Riverdish

Claudius and Clifford Blossom were both born and raised in Riverdale. Growing up, the two of them were the best of friends and did everything together. However, once it became clear that Claudius was being groomed to inherit the Blossom Maple Farms empire, Clifford grew infuriated. On their fourteenth birthday, Clifford threatened his twin at Sweetwater River. Holding a rifle, he warned him of the Blossom Curse, which stated that it was fate that one twin would meet a violent end at the other’s hand. Terrified, Claudius ran away that night and joined the Merchant Marines, convinced that he could outrun the family curse. It was not until Clifford died that Claudius made his grand return to Riverdale, conveniently timed on the day of the reading of Clifford’s secret will.

Isn’t it funny how family members come crawling out of the woodwork once there is money at stake?

Claudius’s return stunned residents, namely Cheryl Blossom, who, upon seeing a man who was the spitting image of her deceased father, fainted from shock. For you see, Cheryl had no idea her father had a brother, let alone an identical twin! Boy, do we love the zany secrets of the very wealthy. Aside from the lure of the family fortune, Claudius always had a soft spot for Penelope Blossom. When the two reunited at Thistlehouse, they concocted a scheme to remove Nana Rose and Cheryl from the family business and continue Clifford’s lucrative side gig involving the town’s drug trade.

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You know what they say: never trust a man who wears copious amounts of dark turtlenecks. Claudius may not have been in town for long, but he very quickly became a key player in Hiram Lodge’s master plan. Along with Penelope, Penny, Malachai, and Sheriff Minetta, Hiram recruited Claudius to join his motley crew, which he dubbed the New Southside.

(Begins playing “A New Argentina.”) Which reminds us, we would absolutely see a production of Evita starring Mark Consuelos as Che.

There is truly nothing more sinister than a band of evil villains gathered around a shadowy table conspiring. So hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wives—something wicked this way comes. This crew is clearly up to no good.