FRIDAY 3 JUNE

My first full day of being a person who has a boyfriend!

Or being a girlfriend … as I guess that’s the normal way to say it.

I feel like a proper adult. At least about nineteen or something like that. If you don’t count the fact my dad has to do my school tie and I still can’t use cutlery properly. Which I don’t – because what is the point of ties and cutlery anyway?!

EXACTLY.

I dismantled my Fort of Mortification because who needs a Fort of Mortification when you have A BOYFRIEND?!

NOT ME!

Then I spent most of the day drifting about the house smiling. Dad kept going, ‘Why do you have such a stupid look on your face, Lottie?’

How rude is that?

But my mood could not be dampened!

Even when Toby knocked on my door and called, ‘Special delivery!’ and left me a present outside my room, I did not react.

When he shouted, ‘It’s got a best-before date of next Saturday – after that it will start losing its potency!’ … I just said, ‘Thanks, Tobes! That’s really … thoughtful of you.’

Because if my brother chooses to spend his time expelling body gas into empty jam jars it’s of no consequence to me – like I say, I’m a proper adult now.

When Mum asked me to help bath Bella, I did it with a smile on my face and I actually enjoyed it. Bella can be so cute! At least until the part when she decided to poop in the water, which was quite frankly one of the most disgusting experiences of my life (second only to her actual birth).

But, even with both of my siblings doing horrible things with their bottoms, I was still feeling as happy as Larry.

‘You know, Lottie,’ said Mum, ‘I’m quite liking this new you!’

I said, ‘Thanks – me too! Would you like me to stack the dishwasher?’

She nearly fainted!

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:

Who even is this Larry guy and why is he always so happy?