SUNDAY 7 AUGUST

7.15 a.m.

Got up at 3 a.m. because Dad booked us on the cheapest flight he could possibly find.

We are now sitting on the plane, and I feel like a zombie.

Bella is absolutely GAAAAAHHHHing her head off, Toby has his fart gun out, Dad’s wearing a bucket hat because he thinks it makes him look ‘down with the kids’ and Mum’s just asked if it’s too early for a G&T.

The other passengers sitting all around us keep tutting and sighing. Honestly, it’s so embarrassing!

Luckily, my seat is on the row in front of them so I’m basically pretending we are not related. When the flight attendant went past with her trolley and asked if there was anything I wanted, I said, ‘Non merci, madame!’ in the hope that everyone would think I am an unaccompanied French exchange student.

To distract myself from the hullabaloo, I’m listening to Harry Styles and daydreaming about the holiday … eating croissants and pains au chocolat, using my extensive knowledge of French, such as bonjour, au revoir and merci … and erm … moving on … wearing my new bikini in the pool! Lying on a sunbed with a towel over my head so I can watch TikToks on my phone.

Ohh la la – it’s going to be très good!

4.24 p.m.

We have just arrived at campsite Le Petit Bois, which means ‘the Little Wood’. It was a slightly stressful journey. Mum said to Dad, ‘Remember, they drive on the opposite side of the road here,’ just as Dad was about to drive headlong into a massive lorry.

We are staying in a safari tent, which is big and beige and has a nice wooden deck with sunbeds on it. Dad says it’s what’s called ‘glamping’, which apparently means glamorous camping, but I don’t see what is glamorous about having no toilet, shower or running water.

Our tent has four rooms – the living room/dining room/kitchen and three bedrooms. Technically I’m not sure they can be described as ‘rooms’ as I don’t think pieces of material count as ‘walls’. However, that’s just my opinion.

Dad said, ‘Right, first things first – beer!’

I said, ‘WHOA! Hold on there, big fella. First things first – what’s the Wi-Fi password?’

He had the audacity to laugh!

‘Lottie, we are camping – there is no Wi-Fi!’

‘Sorry, Dad. I didn’t quite catch that. What do you mean by there is no Wi-Fi?’

‘I mean … there is no Wi-Fi. We are totally off-grid. Isn’t it fabulous?’

At this point, dear reader, I began to hyperventilate. I started feeling sick and weak and I had to go and sit down and do some breathing exercises.

‘So let me get this right – you have dragged me ALL the way to France, away from ALL my friends, and I won’t even be able to use my phone?! Do you not understand that having access to a stable Wi-Fi connection is a basic human right?!’

‘Oh, don’t be dramatic, Lottie!’

‘I’m not being dramatic. What on earth do you expect me to do here with no internet?!’

‘There is LOADS to do. Why don’t you go and explore while we finish unpacking?’

My response to that was ‘URGH’ and an eyeroll so big that it made my eyeballs ache. Thanks, Dad!

Now I’m in my ‘room’ writing this and I can hear him muttering to Mum about me. ‘If she’s got an attitude like this already, Laura, imagine what she’ll be like at fifteen. God help us!’

‘I CAN HEAR YOU!’ I shouted.

I don’t think they understand that if I can’t message Daniel for two weeks I will probably die. I mean, we’ve just had our first kiss FGS – it’s a pretty monumental moment in a young girl’s life!

Right – I’m going to check the campsite out. BRB.

6.12 p.m.

Just back from my explore. Apart from the lack of Wi-Fi, it’s pretty cool here actually. (Don’t tell Dad!) Well, much cooler than Sunny Beach in Wales anyway (which isn’t particularly hard). I’ve drawn you a handy map to help you get your bearings. I’ve put the names in French because it may be useful if your French teacher suddenly springs a pop quiz on you (don’t worry – you can thank me later).

The good news is that Mum ordered takeaway pizza from the pizza van for dinner and it’s just arrived – yum!

6.44 p.m.

The pizza was SO good. It must be extra delicious here because France invented pizza … Hang on, maybe that was Italy?! What did France invent then? Oh … French fries, of course – doh!

Did England ever invent anything nice to eat?

Hmmmmm …

AHA, I’ve got it – the humble, yet incredibly delicious Pot Noodle.

I actually have six of the Chicken and Mushroom variety and six of the Beef and Tomato variety under my camp bed. I brought them in case there was nothing I could eat here. Not just a pretty face, eh?

I had forgotten that France invented fries though, so I should be fine anyway.

Gah, I’m rambling again. What I came here to tell you was that we’ve just met our neighbours in the tent next door. They are called … and I kid you not … the Nutters! Yep, I swear on my life! Cross my heart and hope to die. (Incidentally that’s a strange phrase, isn’t it? Why would anyone hope to die?!)

Here is a portrait of them …

They seem quite nice and friendly. They’ve invited us over to join them for a beer/Orangina. Dad is delighted and keeps saying stuff like, ‘You see, this is the beauty of camping! Meeting other like-minded, outdoorsy families!’

I don’t know why he’s described himself as ‘outdoorsy’, as he barely leaves the house except to go to work. Unless you count the local pub garden … which he probably does.

8.13 p.m.

Escaped back to the tent for a bit of peace. I have changed my opinion on the Nutters. Dad and Mum have struck up a good friendship with them (mostly revolving round the consumption of alcohol) but I’m a lot less keen.

The twins are nine years old and a bit intense. Hailey kept wanting to brush and plait my hair and Bailey kept staring at me and asking if I have a boyfriend – he’s like nine, so how is that even relevant to him?!

The weirdest thing is that the entire family is obsessed with Kylie Minogue. They play her songs on a loop and seem to know every single word to every single song she’s EVER written. Bonkers.

9.03 p.m.

Discovered that the tent doesn’t offer much privacy – Bella’s stinky nappy smell has infiltrated my entire ‘room’ and Toby keeps undoing the zips and poking his head through the ‘wall’ and going ‘SURPRISE!’ every twelve seconds, which is not irritating AT ALL.

Suddenly missing home and Jess, Poppy, Daniel and my hammies very much.

9.35 p.m.

I wonder if Daniel thought I was good at kissing? I wonder what he’d rate me out of ten? I’d rate him 8.5/10. I’m deducting 1 point because his lips were ever so slightly dry and maybe he should use some lip balm … The other 0.5 deduction is because of the BBQ Beef Hula Hoops taste … although TBH I didn’t mind it that much. At least it wasn’t Wotsits.

10.14 p.m.

Shattered but can’t sleep.

Dad and Gary are singing ‘I’m Spinning Around’. Badly. VERY BADLY.

11.07 p.m.

Thank goodness – someone has finally called campsite security on them. (I strongly suspect it was Mum.) The security guard came over and gave them a lecture about respecting fellow campers. Apparently there is a ‘no amplified music’ rule after 10 p.m. Dad was quite cross because the music wasn’t amplified so didn’t break any rules. The security guy said that shouting counts too. Dad said it wasn’t shouting, it was just singing, but they obviously agreed to disagree as he came home and got into bed, muttering to himself.