They say that your whole life flashes in front of your eyes in the moments before you die. I knew that mine had, in a moment that seemed to last a lifetime. But life had come back to reclaim me from the light of perfect peace, before it finally drew me in. And in the seconds between sleeping and waking, as I lay in a strange and distant place, the memories still lingered, filling my brain at first with confusion and then quite suddenly a perfect clarity. For seeing my life like that, as if it had all happened yesterday, made me realize just how wrong I had been about everything.
I had imagined I was strong, but now I saw that I was weak, so weak that I made my poor sad mom seem like the strongest person in the world. I had been afraid of becoming like her, but in reality I was worse, for at least she had stayed to try to face her feelings, whereas I had selfishly run away. I had run away from my emotions, run away from my responsibilities, hidden even from myself. And now, in the moments before the memories faded and I reentered my life, I felt the ache of shame.
It seemed as though a great weight rested on my chest, and the ache in my heart began to overtake my whole body, dragging me down. I felt my eyes flutter, and closed them again as a bright light scalded my eyeballs, and way off in the distance somewhere I heard a voice.
“Her responses are good.”
Were they talking about me? Where was I? Vague memories of vibrant colors filtered through my mind, filling me with sadness and confusion. I attempted to open my eyes, but they seemed glued down, and then I felt myself drifting once more, higher and higher, until the distant voices disappeared and I was alone in the darkness.
When I attempted to open my eyes again, my eyelids parted uncomfortably. There was a blinding pain inside my head that dulled my thoughts, but it was the awful nagging agony in my whole body that made me want to cry out.
“Daniel!”
My lips mouthed his name, but no sound emerged. I tried to move, but I felt pinned down. And then someone grabbed hold of my hand and warmth crept through me, the warmth of safety and comfort.
Hope flickered inside. “Daniel?” I whispered.
Cool fingers stroked my brow, and I closed my eyes again. Daniel had come back to me, and now I could sleep.
Where was I? The room was in darkness, but beyond it were lights and sounds I didn’t recognize. There was something in my hand, something irritating. I lifted it up. A tube. There was a needle in my hand and a tube. I was in hospital, but where was Daniel? He was here. I felt his hand, holding mine. And then I remembered. Daniel was dead.
Agony rose inside me, fresh and raw, as if Daniel’s death had happened only yesterday. An image of his waxen face flashed into my mind and I cried out into the darkness as a suffocating sorrow dragged me into a deep dark place. And then someone really was there beside me. Soothing hands, a low voice…a man’s voice.
“Daniel?” I murmured, opening my eyes.
“No,” he said. “It’s Ben. Do you remember me—from the park?”
Ben? I felt muddled and slow as the memories filtered back. The car! Oh, my God! I started to struggle, overtaken by a mindless panic. He pressed me back, his hands firm but gentle against my shoulders, his honey-brown eyes reassuringly familiar.
“It’s okay, you’re going to be all right. Just relax now.”
How could I relax though, when my mind was in turmoil? Daniel, I wanted Daniel.
“I’ll give her something to help with the pain. It will calm her down,” another voice interrupted.
The bright smiling face of a young nurse loomed over me. “Just a little prick, Lucy and then you’ll feel much better.”
The warm hand still held mine as my eyelids drooped. Calming me as I floated out of my body into a strange foggy place where the pain spiraled away but my brain no longer seemed able to function. Who was Ben? I knew him so well, and yet I couldn’t quite find the slot in my life into which he fitted.
“I’ll be here when you wake,” he whispered. I closed my eyes and felt a warm blanket of comfort slipping around me.
When I woke again, it was still dark, but there were lights in the distance. I could hear the hum of voices and a monitor bleeped beside my bed with a regular rhythm. My whole body ached unbearably, and I couldn’t move my left leg, but when I wriggled my toes and flexed my fingers, they all worked and my mind felt sharp and clear.
I recalled stepping out into the road and I recalled—my mind turned sharply away from the image of a black BMW, uncomfortable with it. I recalled running through the park, slithering and sliding through piles of old brown leaves in my silly red shoes…and meeting Ben.
In the moment that I found the slot to fit him into, suddenly I saw him, sitting beside my bed. His eyes were shut and he lolled uncomfortably in his chair. Why was he watching over me? Who should be watching over me? And then I remembered Alex.
I shivered at the thought of Alex, for he belonged to before, before the new clarity had overtaken my brain and awakened me to myself. Once again I knew how weak and self-centered I really was. I had been unable to cope with the tragedy of Daniel Brown, and that was why it still felt as though it had happened only yesterday. Because I had never faced up to my pain and learned to live with his death.
I had lost myself in a crazy physical affair with Alex Lyall, seeking solace in pure sensation with a man I didn’t even like or trust. As well as my poor dear mother, I had let Aunt V and Edna Brown down.
I lay back on my pillows, trying to collect my thoughts. In one moment my mind was crystal-clear, and in the next I felt fuddled and vague. Memories from my childhood kept popping into my head, as though the events had occurred only yesterday, while the immediate past seemed a whole world away. Where had I been since Daniel Brown? It felt as though I had inhabited someone else’s body, lived someone else’s life.
“Lucy?”
Ben’s deep voice snapped me back to the present. I turned to look at him with confusion in my eyes.
“How do you feel?” he asked softly. “Do you remember me now?”
I nodded, wincing as a searing pain shot through my body. He reached out to clasp my fingers, then dropped them again as if embarrassed by the gesture.
“The park…I met you in the park…Why are you here?”
He leaned down toward me.
“I just wanted to see that you were all right. Should I go?”
“No!” I reached my hand out to him without knowing why. “No…please…stay if you want. Is Aunt V here?”
He frowned. “Aunt V?”
“Surely they must have told her. How long have I been here? Why hasn’t she come?”
I struggled to sit up, but a fiery pain racked my whole body. He placed a hand tenderly on my shoulder, urging me back.
“Shh, stay still. You must stay still and not upset yourself. I’m certain your aunt will be here soon. I’ll ring for the nurse.”
Before he could press the buzzer, another thought flashed into my mind, and I reached out to stop him.
“What day is it? How long have I been unconscious?”
“It’s Monday,” he told me. “You have been unconscious for three days.”
Tears filtered through my lashes as I recollected Aunt V’s plea for me to attend her special day. I had let her down—again. Oh, what must she think of me now?
Ben took a tissue and gently wiped away the tears that had quickly turned into a torrent. I was crying for Aunt V, for Edna Brown, for all the lost time and, finally, for Daniel.
“Just let it all out,” Ben told me. “You’ll feel better.”
Would it? I wondered. Would I ever feel better again?
He sat again then, clutching my hand, and I felt as if his strength were seeping into me.
“Sorry,” I said, making an effort to smile as my tears dried up. Ben let go of my fingers and smiled back with such a warm, honest expression on his face that I squirmed with guilt. I didn’t deserve his sympathy.
“Does it hurt?” he asked softly. I bit my bottom lip, and as tears threatened anew, he stood.
“Look, why don’t I go and fetch the phone and you can call your aunt yourself?” he suggested.
My response was instant. “Oh, yes…please.”
I half raised myself in excitement before falling back with a cry as a sharp pain pierced my chest.
The blond nurse burst back in through the swing doors. “Now, don’t try to move, Lucy,” she told me in a firm voice. “We’ll have to sedate you if you do.”
I breathed deeply, fighting to control the agony that filled my body.
“Why? What have I done to myself?” I asked with a flicker of panic. “Is something broken?”
She gazed at me with open honest eyes.
“It’s up to the doctor to fill you in on all the details, but you have some broken ribs, a broken leg, a very nasty head wound and so many cuts and bruises that it looks as though Picasso has been at work on your body. But don’t worry—you’re going to be okay, if you lie still. Honestly,” she promised.
I managed a smile. “I believe you. It just hurts so much.”
“Well, we can give you something for the pain, and it’ll hurt less if you try to stay still. Let’s get you ready for the doctor.”
Ben had withdrawn to the rear of the room, but now he stepped forward, his strong, dependable figure towering over the bed. He stood awkwardly for a moment, moving from foot to foot, then he coughed behind his hand and the nurse peered around with a smile.
“I was just about to go and get Lucy the phone,” he said, glancing at me.
“Wouldn’t it be better to wait until the doctor has been?” she suggested, with just the right amount of authority to tell us that her words weren’t really a suggestion at all. “He’ll be here in a minute, and I don’t want Lucy getting herself all excited before he arrives. She’s been unconscious for three days, remember, and she has to take things very slowly.”
She checked the monitor beside the bed, jotting things down on my notes with a distracted but convincingly reassuring voice.
“Now, don’t go worrying yourself,” she ordered, popping her pen back into her top pocket. “I’m sure your boyfriend will have already contacted your aunt. He did promise, too. She’ll probably show up any minute, although…” She eyed me and looked away again. “I’m afraid that we haven’t actually been able to get hold of him just yet. He said to phone him as soon as you woke up, but…”
She hesitated; unsure what to say, and in the moment of awkwardness that followed, my disappointment about Aunt V became anger, a burning anger channeled toward Alex.
“I don’t want him to know,” I blurted.
The ever-present tears welled behind my eyes again and the ache inside my head began to throb like a hammer inside my skull.
“I don’t want him to know that I’ve woken up.”
The nurse shot Ben a dismayed glance, but he just stared at me, his brown eyes full of understanding. How could he understand, though? How could he know anything?
“I don’t want you to phone him,” I repeated for his ears only. “I just want Aunt V.”
“Then why don’t you give me her number and I’ll go outside and phone her myself,” he proposed in a quiet, soothing tone.
I felt as though he could solve my every problem, and a sudden sense of security dried my tears.
“We can do it from here, if you like,” suggested the nurse.
He shook his head and looked at me appealingly. “Please…Let me do it. I’d really like to.”
When I nodded eagerly, she shrugged. “Okay then. I’ll just run some more checks on you, Lucy. Dr. Abraham will be here in a minute and he’ll expect me to have recorded everything.”
I lay back on my pillows, eyes half closed. Suddenly I felt so tired, as if everything was overpowering me. I longed for the purposeful presence of Aunt V with every fiber of my being, and a shiver ran through me when I remembered Alex. What was I thinking? What had happened to me in those long months since Daniel’s death had broken my heart? The answer—as it had already—came at once, again and again. I had run away.
The nurse’s bright voice broke into my reverie. “You are a very lucky girl, you know.”
I digested the information while she adjusted the needle in the back of my hand. Was I? Was I really lucky…but why?
I stared at her with disbelief and she paused, narrowing her eyes. “Do you recall what happened to you?”
Her tone was forcedly casual, but as I met the query in her eyes, all of a sudden I knew. With crystal clarity I knew.
“I died,” I said quietly. “I think I died.”
How did I know that? What, or who, had put those words into my mouth? Lights flashed inside my head and a sense of peace stole over me. The nurse stopped what she was doing and gazed at me in alarm. I met her gaze with certainty and saw confirmation in her eyes.
“Yes,” she murmured, on edge and uncertain how to react. “Technically you did. Your heart stopped for five minutes, and no one could be expected to survive that. In fact, you’re a bit of a miracle, really. Do you remember any of it?”
Did I remember? Strange, muddled feelings flooded me. But what was real and what was just a dream?
“Only vaguely,” I told her, “but I know, though, that I wasn’t afraid. There were colors and lights and a kind of softness and warmth. I felt safe, I suppose.”
I paused for a moment as memories overtook my soul, feelings I couldn’t explain.
“I remember feeling so very, very safe, and all the time the light was calling out to me. And then, when I woke up, everything seemed different. Or maybe it’s just that I feel different.”
“I’ve heard something similar before,” she told me. “About the light and everything. From others who have had a near-death experience, like you.” Then she smiled. “Hey…and I’ll bet that Ben hasn’t told you about his part in it. He’s the one you should be thanking.”
I stared at her vaguely as she nodded with excitement.
“He saved your life.”
An image of his kind, caring brown eyes slipped into my mind. Was that why he was watching over me? “Saved my life? Ben? What do you mean? How did he save my life?”
“After the accident,” she told me. “He kept you breathing until the ambulance arrived, and he’s been here almost ever since. No doubt he wants to make sure you’re going to be fine after all his efforts.”
I lay back on my pillow, struggling to digest this new piece of information as she studied the chart on the end of my bed. When the doors of the ward swished open, I searched eagerly for Ben, but a much smaller person walked briskly into the room, a swarthy man with a crisp white doctor’s coat and a warm smile. He looked at me with delight in his dark eyes.
“Well, well, well. Who would ever have thought it!” he exclaimed. “How long has she been awake?”
A middle-aged woman with graying hair had accompanied him. She held a clipboard tightly in her hand and bristled with her own importance, stepping forward as my nurse began to speak to the doctor.
“She woke up earlier in a bit of a panic, and I gave her something for the pain. That was when I sent the message to you. And when she woke up about half an hour or so ago she seemed very lucid. It’s remarkable.”
“‘Remarkable’ is an understatement,” declared the doctor, smiling at me. “A miracle of modern medicine—that’s what you are, young lady.”
I smiled back at him as the nurse drew the curtains around my bed.
“Right, then,” he said. “Let’s have a peek at you.”
I was lying flat, so I couldn’t really see the extent of my injuries, but much of my body appeared covered in purple and yellow bruises. The doctor didn’t appear too concerned about that, however.
“Superficial,” he remarked. “Nothing to worry about there.”
He stood back for a moment, nursing his chin between thumb and forefinger as he pored over my chart, firing pertinent questions at the nurse, who hovered attentively beside him.
“Well, Miss McTavish,” he eventually declared, “you are probably one of the luckiest young women I have ever met.”
I returned his smile with genuine gratitude.
“Thank you, doctor. So when will I be able to go home?”
“One step at a time,” he told me firmly, but there was a twinkle in his eyes. “You need to keep fairly still for a while to let your ribs heal, and the cast on your leg will have to stay on for six weeks or so. But the break is clean, so it shouldn’t cause you any problems. It is really only your head injury that we have to be careful of.”
I automatically reached up to feel the dressing on the side of my head. The nurse took hold of my hand and placed it firmly back down beside me.
“Don’t mess with it,” she ordered.
“It is not actually the wound itself that is of concern to us,” the doctor explained. “It is what has happened inside your head. But you are well past the danger point. All we have to do now is watch your progress for the next week or so, and then hopefully, you will be able to go home. If, that is, you have someone to care for you.”
I imagined Aunt V bustling bossily around me.
“Oh, yes,” I told him. “I have someone very capable.”
He stared at me for a moment longer, then gave a curt, satisfied nod. “Well, we’ll see how it goes. I’ll be ’round again on Friday.”
The woman who had accompanied him jotted something down on her clipboard, accorded me a brief smile and followed him as he marched out of the door, already intent on his next patient.
My nurse moved across the room and picked up a small silver tray. “So!” she exclaimed, walking toward me with delight in her blue eyes. “I told you he’d be pleased. Now I’m going to give you an injection and then you can get some sleep.”
I clutched at her arm. “Nurse…”
“‘Pam, ’” she said gently, “You can call me Pam.”
“I need to see Ben. I need to know that he told my aunt.”
Putting down the tray, she pursed her lips and shook her head. “Two minutes, that’s all. If he’s not back in two minutes, you’ll have to wait until you wake up.”
I watched as her slim figure disappeared through the doors, and then I saw him, a head taller than everyone else, striding down the corridor. He burst into the room with a broad grin on his face.
“Your aunt V sounds like a real Tartar,” he declared. “She was furious that she hadn’t been informed. The hospital staff may cop it when she arrives.”
Relief washed over me. “She’s coming? She really is coming?”
“At about a hundred miles an hour, I should think.” Ben smiled.
I put out my hand to him and he folded it quite naturally into his broad palm. His hand felt firm and strong, but slightly rough…a worker’s hand.
“Thank you,” I said simply. “And thank you for saving my life.”
He glanced awkwardly at the floor for a moment, then grinned, shrugging. “Anyone would have done the same,” he insisted.
For the tiniest moment his hand tightened around mine, and he gazed at me with such warmth in his honey-brown eyes that the breath caught in my throat. He glanced away uncomfortably, placing my hand carefully on the bed.
“Anyhow, I am afraid that I have a train to catch in twenty minutes, so I really do have to go. I’m sure your aunt will be here very soon, though, and—if it’s all right with you—I’ll return to see you at the weekend.”
Disappointment flooded me, taking me by surprise. Not having Ben to call on would feel strange. I had known him so short a time, but somehow he seemed to fit into this new world of mine. Or was it my old world come back to reclaim me? I shook my head to try to clear the confusion overwhelming my mind.
“Of course,” I told him eagerly. “I’d love for you to visit me again…and…thank you.”
I leaned to rest against the pillow when he had gone, feeling drained and weak. The pain that had racked my body had settled into an ache and all I wanted to do was to sleep, so when I heard the door swish open I presumed that it was Pam, back to give me my injection. As Alex’s deep voice burst into my head, I felt a shiver run down my spine and my eyes snapped open.
“I saw your friend leaving,” he remarked in an icy tone. “Cozy little visit was it?”
“Ben saved my life,” I told him.
His lips curled into a sneer and he peered at me with glittering black eyes; those same eyes that I had found so fascinating such a little while ago. Now I realized that they were emotionless and empty. Was that it? I wondered. Was it that very lack of feeling that had drawn me to him in the first place? I was determined not to look away.
“Why didn’t you call Aunt V?” I asked him. He shrugged, splaying his perfectly manicured fingers.
“What do you want that old trout for? Anyway, I’ve been too busy. Besides, she can’t do anything for you that the nurses here aren’t capable of. When are they letting you out?”
“Not for another week or so,” I told him. When a flicker of relief crossed his face, I drew a deep breath. “But you don’t need to worry.” For a moment I hesitated, weighing his reaction. “I won’t be staying with you. I’m going home.”
His face remained utterly impassive but his eyes narrowed slightly. Was he annoyed? I wondered, as I stared into their emotionless black depths. Suddenly he gave a sharp laugh.
“Just as well. It was getting a bit boring, anyway,” and with that parting shot, he marched out of the room, almost knocking Pam over in his haste.
“Good riddance to bad rubbish,” she remarked quietly, having obviously overheard our conversation.
I just lay quivering in my bed. Was he really gone? Was he out of my life for good? Oh, I hoped so.
“Right, then,” she said kindly, clasping my arm. “Time for that little prick and then you can sleep.”
I felt muzzy almost as soon as she removed the needle from my arm. The pain in my body began to float away, but images filled my mind. Images of Alex’s cold, snakelike eyes, Ben’s gentle features and finally, totally, Daniel Brown’s loving, lopsided grin.
“Oh, Daniel,” I groaned to myself. “Why didn’t you keep your promise?”
For a moment, before sleep overcame me, I had the strongest feeling that he was there, right beside me, and the pain that flooded my heart had nothing to do with my injuries. I tried to open my eyes again, but they were stuck fast together and I fell asleep with his name on my lips and fresh hope in my heart.