Ashley
My life sucked.
Really fucking sucked.
Like, I couldn’t even think of a worse time in my life than right now, not after I stared down at the stick again, read the instructions, and groaned.
“No. No. No. No. No.” I screamed the last no as I reached into the box for another one. The first stick had to be wrong.
Forcing myself to pee again was hard, but I managed to do it, and of course, that test lied as well.
“I’m not pregnant. I refuse to be pregnant.” I couldn’t be. I knew I had a cycle. Life had been crappy, which was why I couldn’t remember exactly when I had a cycle.
Melinda, the woman I worked with during lunch shifts, had asked if I was pregnant. I’d mentioned the sickness bug I kept getting in the morning. Woman must have thought I was crazy or something because I didn’t even put the two together. Morning sickness and pregnancy.
It wasn’t like Earl and I had been cautious. He hadn’t wanted anything between us.
Now, I was on edge. I was pregnant.
It didn’t matter how many tests I tried to use to tell me something different, it wasn’t going to change the fact I was pregnant.
My hand rested on my stomach. A baby. Earl’s baby.
I had to call Emily, but I stopped myself.
I couldn’t tell her. At least not yet. I’d need to see a doctor. It was too late to call to arrange an appointment today. Sitting on my bathroom floor, I rested my head against the wall.
“Why did this have to happen, huh? It’s not that I don’t want you, I do. I’m not sure I know how to take care of myself,” I said. I kept rubbing my stomach. Would I have a boy or girl? “I always imagined your daddy being with us. You know. I had my entire life mapped out. I’d go to college, get a great education, a job. I always wanted to be a television cook. Not a chef. I like creating my own meals and all that stuff. I’d meet a really great guy. We’d fall in love, get married, and then you’d be born. Look at me, talking to myself.”
Tears filled my eyes, and I groaned at the unfairness of the tears.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t cry.”
Getting to my feet, I grabbed the boxes and the used tests, then threw them in my trash. I washed my hands, splashed my face with water, and gave a deep breath.
“I’m fine.”
I wasn’t fine.
Life in England wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do.
The truth was I missed Earl no matter where I was, and with each day that passed, the more I hated myself for my feelings for him. It wasn’t right. I shouldn’t love a man who sold women.
I’d even made myself a pros and cons chart. First with the cons. He was a human trafficker, he killed people, he wasn’t a nice man, bossy, took too long in the bathroom, and he enjoyed eating frozen garden peas. Again, peas weren’t something I enjoyed, especially not frozen garden ones. Yuck. For the pros, and I hated this. An excellent kisser, great in bed, kind, sweet, considerate, loving, protective, and I felt safe with him. The list went on and on, and I hated that I could think of anything nice to say about this man.
I released a growl and went to my kitchen, pouring myself a glass of water.
“I’m not doing it anymore.” Raising my hands in the air as if to ward off whatever being was haunting me, I grabbed my keys and let myself out of my apartment.
I left the building, not thinking where I was going until I found a pub. It wasn’t too busy when I took a seat at the bar. While there, I ordered a beer. The guy behind the counter asked me what kind and listed off a whole load of ales and lagers and bitters, to which I told him I didn’t care, to just pick one.
So many options.
With a pint of beer in front of me, I stared at the glass.
I wasn’t a drinker and certainly not a beer drinker.
I was pregnant. Beer was bad for the baby. I wasn’t a bad person, and I couldn’t harm this baby.
With my hands flat on the counter, I rested my chin on my hands and stared at the drink. I wasn’t going to drink it. I wasn’t going to touch any alcohol, and first thing in the morning, I’d get an appointment and confirm I was indeed pregnant.
Time ticked slowly by.
I stared at the glass.
People came and went.
Tiredness consumed me. I’d already paid for my beer. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I got to my feet, and left the pub, going back to my apartment. I stepped over the threshold, feeling all the fight leave my body. I turned and felt something tear beneath my feet.
Flicking on the light, I caught sight of a large brown envelope. It had been slid beneath my door.
I quickly closed and locked the door before bending down to pick up the envelope. I didn’t recognize it, and there was no stamp or sign on it to show it had been delivered by a postman or courier.
After tearing into the envelope, I reached in and found a single newspaper clipping.
At first, I didn’t focus on it. I looked back into the envelope and was surprised at the waste, seeing as there was only a single piece of paper, and it wasn’t even the size of the envelope, it was tiny.
Whoever had posted this through my letterbox, they didn’t want me to miss it.
On the back, I couldn’t make out the story as half of it had been chopped off. I turned it over and saw the headline: Cargo of missing girls found. Families are in the process of being contacted.
With the paper in my hand, I walked back to my seat and sat down.
I read the short piece. The story was taken a few days ago. A cargo of kidnapped girls had been found. The girls had been badly beaten and suspected of being sold to the slave trade.
Human trafficking.
Who would send me this?
“You weren’t home.”
I released a scream and fell off the edge of the sofa where I’d crawled over.
That voice.
I knew it. Gripping the edge of the sofa, I peered over the top to find Earl sitting in the corner of my sitting room. His boots only appeared in the light of the lamp I’d switched on.
“You scared me.”
“I didn’t mean to. This was posted first, and then I let myself in when you didn’t respond.”
“You’ve got a key to my apartment?”
“I arranged for you to be here,” he said.
“Of course you did.” It should have been good to see him, but at that moment, I was so angry. He’d broken into my apartment, was sitting on my furniture, and I was supposed to be grateful for that?
I wasn’t.
I was angry. Totally angry.
He was alive, which also made me really happy, but this man had abandoned me. Had told me he was done with me. He’d gotten bored with me, and now I was supposed to what? Be happy to see him?
“What is this?” I asked.
He leaned forward, and I saw parts of his hands were bandaged. “This is me turning over a new leaf.”
I groaned. “I’m not going to have this conversation with you in the dark.” There was no reason to be afraid. I stood, went to the light, and flicked it on.
Still, he sat here. He blinked a few times, adjusting to the light.
He was here, in my living room. Talking to me.
My mouth went dry.
“Where were you?” he asked.
“You don’t get to ask me any questions.” I wanted him to stay silent so for a short time, I could just look at him and try to understand what was happening right now.
Tonight, I’d found out I was pregnant with this man’s baby, sat in a pub, didn’t drink a single drop of beer, came home, and discovered him here.
“Why are you here?” I asked.
“I came back for you.”
I shook my head. “No, you let me go, remember? You’d grown bored. You had enough of me.”
“Why is it so easy for you to believe the lies I fed you but you can’t accept the truth?”
I ran fingers through my hair. “You wanted me gone.”
“I had to have you gone.” He got to his feet and took a few steps toward me.
I held my hand up. “No! You don’t get to come here to my carefully organized world and be a part of it. You made your choice. You had your fun. I’m not a virgin anymore, Earl.”
“You think I give a fuck about your virginity?”
“You cared enough to want to take it!” I slammed my foot down. I didn’t care how childish I might look. He wasn’t going to get away with this. I refused to let him.
“Ashley, this isn’t about your virginity. You read the article.”
“So you’re trying to be a hero now?”
“I had to let you go. Your life was in danger. I wasn’t going to let you die because of me.”
“And what, now my life isn’t in danger?”
“The man who was going to hurt you is gone.”
“Gone?”
“Dead.”
“I can’t be hearing this stuff.” I turned on my heel, about to walk away. I released a scream as his arms wrapped around me. His face pressed against my neck.
I wanted to hate his touch.
The moment I felt him against me, I melted. Even as I screamed and tried to fight, my body submitted.
For a few blissful seconds, I allowed myself the chance to enjoy him. But it was only a few blissful seconds before the pain returned and there was no way I was going to let him get over this.
I yanked myself away from his arms, taking him by surprise with my fight. Spinning around, I slapped him hard across the face. I only did it once, and he looked at me in shock.
“You don’t get to come in here after what you did and pretend everything is okay. You hurt me, Earl.”
“I know. I’m going to do everything in my power to make it right, Ashley. I’m not going to leave. I won’t hurt you. I’ll give you your space, but I’m not going away. I’m here to stay, to be the man you deserve. The man you can fall in love with.”
He opened his jacket, and I watched as he removed a single red rose.
So beautiful.
I wanted to tell him to stay. To hold me. I needed to tell him I was pregnant.
I said nothing as he left my apartment.
The silence was deafening. I was alone.
The newspaper clipping was still in my hand.
I didn’t know what the fuck was going on anymore.
****
Earl
During the days, Ashley worked at a café. It was a small greasy spoon. Offered good old-fashioned traditional English breakfast, chips, and all the good stuff people seemed to enjoy. There was no smoking allowed on the premises, and signs were displayed for people to see.
I listened to a few grumbles, but no one complained.
Tea was served by the gallon in silver teapots, with little plastic tubs of milk and sachets of sugar for people to make their own drink.
It was charming.
Ashley came in around ten. She wore a pastel-pink uniform, no apron, and her was hair tied back. The women who were cooking had on hairnets. I sat in the corner. There were no booths, no privacy, and the tables were quite close together.
She spotted me immediately.
I watched her close her eyes and she appeared to be counting to ten before she came toward me, a small notepad and pen in her hand. “What can I get you?”
Her accent was cute. A little twang of English softened her tone.
“I’ll have the full English,” I said. I had no idea what I was ordering. I’d never done breakfast in London before.
“With or without black pudding and mushrooms?” she asked.
“The full works.”
“Okay. I’ll do you a tea refill.”
“Ashley, I want to talk to you.”
“Then make an appointment,” she said. “I’m busy. I work.”
I wanted to reach out and grab her. I gave her space.
She went to a few other tables before taking my order up to the counter. One of the women took it and then started to point at a few tables and gave her hand a shake. Ashley smiled, and then I watched her go start cleaning the tables of the plates that had been left. By the counter, along the opposite wall, were stands where the trays needed to be taken. Clearly, people had left their trays for others to clean up the mess.
I couldn’t tear my gaze away from Ashley. She worked efficiently, but I noticed her gaze kept straying to mine. I didn’t know if she was annoyed with my presence or just couldn’t seem to help it. She was as drawn to me as I was to her.
Being apart these several weeks had been long enough. I wasn’t going to allow her to get away again.
Ashley came back with my pot of tea and my breakfast. The plate was huge. A couple of slices of toast, bacon, sausage, hash browns, fried eggs, beans, tomatoes, mushrooms, and what I assumed was black pudding. All on one plate.
“Enjoy.” She turned on her heel and left.
I’d ordered the food. I was going to eat it.
I started on it, and Ashley kept on looking at me.
She didn’t work at the café for long. Only a few short hours until after the lunch rush. I finished my breakfast and ordered tea.
The lunch rush came, and when she disappeared, I waited by the staffroom door for her to exit.
She’d been hoping to sneak out before I caught her. She had a tight grip on her bag as she looked at me. “What do you want?”
“To talk. To spend some time with you.”
“I’ve got a doctor’s appointment,” she said. “Maybe some other time.”
She tried to brush past me, but I captured her arm. “Are you sick?”
“No. I’m not sick.”
I checked her over, not trusting her opinion. She’d lie to me, and I needed to know if she was okay.
“Damn it, Earl. I’m fine. Clearly, I’m more than fine.” She pushed at my arm, and I let her go but got into step beside her.
“Then I’ll come to the doctor’s with you. I can drive you.”
Ashley stopped and turned toward me in the doorway of the café. “No. I can do this on my own.”
“Either you get in my car willingly, or I force you.”
“You can’t do that.”
“I can do whatever the hell I want to. Push me. Try me.”
She glared at me, stormed out of the café, and stopped on the street. “Tell me then, which one is your car?”
With her arms folded, she looked up and down the street. “I don’t see anything.”
“I parked around the back.” I took her hand, and she didn’t fight me.
Pressing the button, I unlocked the car then held the door for her to climb in. She did so, muttering under her breath.
I went to the driver’s side, climbed in, and started the ignition.
She gave me directions to her doctor’s, but I didn’t need them. I’d gotten a thorough background check done on her while she’d been working. I might not had been back in the States, but I still had men at my fingertips, willing to do whatever I needed.
The doctor’s surgery was full. I struggled to find a parking space. Ashley kept saying she’d jump out of the car, but I found a spot, and then once I was parked, I followed her into the surgery. She booked herself in, and we took a seat.
“You’re not coming in with me,” she said.
“I am. I need to make sure you’re okay.”
I wasn’t going to be left alone. I’d fucked up once, and Ashley needed to understand I wasn’t going anymore.
People coughed. Some had one leg crossed over the other. Many people were on their cell phones. Others were reading a magazine. The crinkling of the paper offered a distraction.
Ashley’s name flashed above the screen.
As much as she hated me right now, she wouldn’t cause a scene, and getting me out of the surgery would require a scene. One I was more than happy to partake in to get what I wanted.
The female doctor was waiting, and the moment we sat down, she asked what seemed to be the problem today.
I waited.
Ashley kept offering me glances.
“I … er … I took a couple of tests last night, and I wanted to see if they were accurate.”
Tests?
“Pregnancy tests?” the doctor asked.
“Yes.”
Everything fucking faded.
I looked at Ashley, and she wouldn’t meet my eyes.
Was that where she’d disappeared to? A pharmacy? I only snuck into her apartment, I didn’t snoop.
The appointment was a blur. Ashley talked and the doctor took some blood, promising to have the results back very soon.
I was a little dazed. I shook the doctor’s hand on the way out.
Neither of us spoke as I got into the car.
Pregnant. It wasn’t like I’d attempted to be safe. Every chance I got, I fucked her pussy raw. There was nothing between us, and now there was a chance she could be pregnant.
“Say something,” she said.
“Why didn’t you tell me last night?”
“I’d just found out myself, and I wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind.” Her hands shook, and I watched as she clenched them into fists. “It … surprised me.”
“Do you want to get rid of it?” I asked.
“What? No, of course not.”
“Some women do.”
“I don’t. Okay. I … I’m not sure how I feel right now, but it could be a couple of false positives. I’m sure it has happened before.” She shrugged her shoulder. “Can you take me home, please? I need some space.”
“I can’t give you space.”
“Earl, don’t do this.”
“I just found out that you could be pregnant.”
“And you think I wasn’t freaking out? I found out before you turned up back in my life. I got to see the stick change, believing my baby’s daddy wanted nothing to do with me.”
“You should have told me last night. You weren’t even going to tell today.”
Ashley groaned. “You’re right. I didn’t know when I was going to tell you, or if I was even going to. The way you dumped me back in Crude Hill, you hurt me, Earl. I … damn it, I was fucking falling in love with you, and you just threw me away because you were done with me, and it hurt. I struggled and I couldn’t be back in that place. So I left. I’m trying to make a life here, but I can’t stop this feeling. I love you and you hurt me, and it’s not going away. Now you’re back and I might be pregnant and everything is all so confusing. So please, don’t look at me as if you’re accusing me of something because right now, I will fucking flip out. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just surviving.”
She sounded like she was falling apart, and I understood her so much. I knew what she was going through.
Sinking my fingers into her hair, I pulled her close and locked my lips against hers, kissing her.
It had been too long since I’d kissed her.
As I slid my tongue across her lips, she opened up for me, and I plunged inside.
She moaned my name. Her hand came to my cheek, and I knew she felt it too. She loved me. She fucking loved me. I didn’t deserve her love. I wasn’t a good man. I relished in others’ pain, but hearing her say the words, now that was a sweet victory. One I couldn’t deny loving.
Ashley had no idea how fucking obsessed I was with her. The lengths I would go to ensure her safety.
She was my soul mate. The other half of me.
The age gap could go and get fucked.
This woman was mine.
Ashley put her hands on my shoulders. “No,” she said. “We have to be sensible. We don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“I don’t care, Ashley. Pregnant or not, you will be soon. I’m not letting you go.”
“Until when, Earl? When you get bored? When you decide?”
“Never.” I stroked my thumb across her cheek. “You need to understand, I’m not going anywhere because this is the only place I want to be.” There was nothing anywhere else.
Ashley was my family. My future. My path.
Wherever she went, I would follow.