Fall
“You can’t make me go to that ceremony,” I say with all the confidence I can muster. I want to believe no one can make me go, but deep down, I know the truth.
Our coaches—hell, my entire team is going to make me go to that special ceremony being held tonight before the game starts. The one where Fresno State is honoring Asher Davis by retiring his number. His entire family will be there, and when I say his entire family, I really mean the one family who took him in when he needed support back in the day. The people he considers his family now.
The Callahans.
“You’re going to that ceremony,” Tony says, his steady voice doing nothing to calm me down whatsoever. “You don’t have a choice. Our coaches will kill you. Plus, you should be there just to support Ash. He taught you a lot when you were a baby freshman, or have you forgotten that?”
Fuck, he did. Asher Davis is a true homie. Heck, at one point, I thought he was going to be my brother-in-law.
Yeah, that didn’t happen.
We’re chilling at my apartment before we head to the field. Diego and Tony showed up bright and early this morning with donuts for all of us. Not the breakfast of champions but fuck it.
That’s been my attitude for months. Fuck it.
Fuck. It.
“It won’t be so bad,” Diego says with an actual smile on his face. Like he truly believes what he’s saying. “We’ll be together, and we’ve got your back. Not like Drew Callahan’s going to kick your ass out on the field for breaking his daughter’s heart.”
I tamp down the fury that fills me at Diego’s words as Tony sends him an exasperated look.
“Jesus, D. Shut the hell up,” Tony growls.
I say nothing, which is killing me, but damn. I refuse to say something I’ll regret. I’ve done enough of that to last me a couple of lifetimes.
I need these guys. I need their support. They’re all I’ve got. I blew the one thing that was good in my life and it’s like I can’t get her back. We’ve cut each other off completely.
I don’t deserve her anyway. She’s too damn good for me. But also…
I’m pissed at her still. For not even trying to fight back. For agreeing with me that we were done. I’m the one who gave her an ultimatum, and it bit me in the ass. If she would’ve come home and told me she missed me, we would’ve hashed it out. We’d probably be together right now.
But nope. We talked twice before she left for Spain. One minor argumentative conversation where I hung up on her. Then another big one. Like a massive blow out, yell at each other phone call that wasn’t pretty. That time she hung up on me.
I don’t even know if she’s home from her trip yet. Did she return from Europe? Is she still out there traveling around and meeting other people? Other guys?
Fuck, it’s absolute torture thinking of her with someone else.
No one tells me shit either. They’re all silent. Abnormally quiet. Someone knows something. I’d corner Grace if I could, but she went and moved recently because of her new job—teaching in the same school district a bunch of us went to as kids. The minute we graduate, Caleb’s headed up there too, I guarantee it. Doing what, no one is sure of yet, but he’ll figure something out.
Jake’s frozen me out completely too—not a huge loss since he’s down in So Cal, but totally expected. I did his baby sister wrong and now I’m the mortal enemy again. But this time, I’ve got his bros defending me as well. They’re my friends now too. I’m close with Diego and Caleb, his two besties from high school. In fact, Caleb is watching me right now with the most sympathetic look on his face I think I’ve ever seen.
“You should try and talk to her,” he suddenly says, and I stare at him as if he’s grown three heads.
“Hell no,” I say without hesitation. “She’ll claw my eyes out if I try and approach her.”
“You never know,” he says with a shrug. “She might be hurting as much as you are.”
“I’m not hurting,” I say. “I’m too pissed to hurt.”
Skeptical looks from each of them for that comment. I’m such an idiot.
“Women,” Tony says, shaking his head. “They’re the worst, am I right?”
I scoff. “Give me a break. You’re so whipped it’s not even funny.”
“Just as whipped as you were when you and Ava were together,” he throws back at me.
“They are the worst,” I tell him, because fuck me standing, they are. “Who needs them?”
“Not you,” Caleb says.
“Not me,” I agree.
I look at every one of them sitting around in my kitchen. They all have girlfriends. Shit, Diego and Jocelyn are practically married. He gave her a ring over the summer, the sucker. But he’s doing right by her because she’s the mother of their daughter and I get it.
They’re a family.
Tony and Hayden are living together and I think he’s close to giving her a ring too, which is wild to even contemplate. Jackson isn’t around—he’s too busy touring the world with Ellie by his side. Those two lovebirds are living the dream. And then there’s Caleb.
Caleb the player. Caleb the perv. Caleb the idiot.
Caleb who found himself a good woman—Gracie. The both of them were chasing after other people when they shared a connection with each other all along. He’s the one who’s blown my mind the most.
A few months ago, my friends’ relationships would not have bothered me. I wouldn’t have even noticed, too wrapped up in Ava. But now that I’m single and miserable and it feels like something is slowly dying inside of me, I can’t help but see it.
Their happiness. All of them are so fucking happy.
And I resent them for it. A few years ago, when most of these guys were still single and I was the one in a relationship and smug in the knowledge that I had a girl who loved me…
I was on top of the world.
Look how far and hard the mighty have fallen.
Because I’m so far from happy…
We eat more donuts—well, I don’t. My appetite has been for shit since May. I work out constantly too. I’m in the best physical condition I’ve ever been in my life. I’m cut, I have an eight pack, I can run fast as a motherfucker because I’m that much lighter, despite the muscle mass I’ve gained. I’m on fire on the field, and so is the rest of the team. We’re predicted to have a great season, and I believe we will.
But it don’t mean shit. Not if I don’t have my girl by my side.
Once all the donuts have been polished off and Tony and Diego have left, Caleb and I clean up the kitchen, me dumping out the leftover coffee in the to-go cups and Caleb wiping all the crumbs off our tiny kitchen table.
“Has Gracie talked to Ava?” I ask as casually as I can muster.
Caleb finishes cleaning the table and then walks over to the sink, nudging me out of the way so he can run water over the rag he was just using, strangely quiet.
It’s like he’s trying to come up with something first.
“Yeah,” he finally says. “But I don’t know if I can tell you about it.”
I’m frowning. Hard. “What do you mean by that?”
“They’re friends and Gracie has been there for Ava, just like I’ve been there for you. Let’s just leave it at that,” Caleb says mysteriously.
Huh. Look at Caleb keeping his mouth shut. This is big for him.
Of course, Gracie and Ava are talking. I should’ve known. A few years ago, Ellie and Ava both viewed Hayden and Gracie as their sort of big sisters to go to for advice. They would have girls’ nights over at Hayden and Gracie’s apartment. Jocelyn would be there too. They’d probably cackle and put together voodoo spells on us guys to get us to do what they wanted.
Or maybe not. Shit, I don’t know what those girls were up to half the time. I was oblivious. Confident my girl would always want to be with me, just like I always wanted to be with her. Yeah, we had some conflict over the years, especially once she went away to college in San Diego. And yeah, shit got tough sometimes when she was gone. But we were going to make it. Together forever.
Months after we split, and it still hurts so damn bad, I can barely stand it.
“Is she coming to the ceremony tonight?” I ask Caleb.
“Who? Ava?” He shrugs. “I don’t know if she’s home yet.”
“Shouldn’t she be? Wouldn’t she be in school right now?” We’ve been in school since late August and it’s almost the end of September. SDSU follows a similar schedule.
“From what I understand, her study abroad program went past the beginning of the school year. To the point that she won’t be at San Diego State for the fall semester. She’ll start back up in the spring,” Caleb explains, clamping his lips shut when he realizes he’s probably said too much. “Someone mentioned that to me.”
“Who?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugs, but I’m sure he means Gracie.
But I don’t call him out on it. They all tread carefully around me, as if they’re afraid I’ll lash out if they say the wrong thing. Which I totally would, I can’t deny it.
“The Callahans will be there tonight,” I say morosely. “Not Jake, since he has a game, but the rest of them will be.”
And I don’t want to see them.
The words hang unspoken in the room. I know Caleb gets what I’m thinking. I can see it on his face. If Ava really is back from Europe and not even enrolled this semester, then I’d bet she’s around. Maybe she’s holed up with Mommy and Daddy until the end of the year? Or is she back in San Diego having the time of her life?
Too many questions and what ifs and no one will give me an answer. I’d guess most of them don’t actually know. The only way I could find out every bit of information is if I spoke to Ava herself. But that’s the last thing I want to do.
She left me, just like everyone else important in my life does. My parents. My brother. Hell, even some of my close friends. I thought Ava was the one person who would never do that to me, but even she let me down.
I need to forget her. Banish her from my life. She made her choice, and the longer I’ve gone without talking to her or seeing her, the easier it gets.
Somewhat.
Damn, I fucked everything up. But too late now. I’m sure she hates me. But I couldn’t take the idea of her just leaving me without discussing it first. I overreacted. Instead of being rejected by the one person who means the most to me, I rejected her first. I thought by doing that, I wouldn’t get hurt.
Big mistake. I’m still hurting.
“Yeah. They will be.” That’s all Caleb says.
“I don’t want to talk to them.” Actually, I’m dying to talk to them, but I can’t admit that.
“I doubt they really want to talk to you either.”
Ouch. That was a fuckin’ zinger. I rub at my chest, trying to ease the ache there. “Good. Guess we’re all on mutual terms then.”
“Look, Eli. You don’t have to act like a tough guy for my benefit. I know you’re suffering. I know you miss Ava, and I get it. I’d miss the shit out of her too if I were you.” He leans forward, his gaze imploring. “You might be able to fix this. You could probably talk to her and work it out. I doubt she’s over you.”
I watch him, my gaze roving over his face, looking for any clue that he might know more than what he’s saying. “Have you talked to her?”
Caleb slowly shakes his head.
“Heard it come straight out of her mouth that she misses me and wants me back?”
Another headshake.
No.
“Then I ain’t saying shit to her.” I rise to my feet, running my fingers through my hair once. Twice. A couple more times, tugging on the ends so hard it hurts. At least I’m feeling something. “Please tell me there’s a party after the game tonight.”
“Probably,” Caleb says with a shrug. “Why?”
He used to live for parties. He was the good-time guy of our friend group. You couldn’t take anything he did or said seriously. I used to be that kind of guy too, until I fell completely in love with Ava.
And then she moved away to go to college, and I started to feel bitter.
Resentful.
Pissed at myself for feeling that way.
Under pressure because the weight of this football team seems to settle on my shoulders. If we mess up or lose, I immediately think it’s my fault. Even when I know it’s not. But I’m their quarterback, their leader, and they all look up to me. I don’t want to let them down, especially since this is my last season.
Plus, there’s school. Grades. I’m struggling, trying to juggle it all, but all I can give is my best. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m going to do when college is over. I thought I had a plan, but it’s been ruined thanks to my impulsive actions.
Then there’s my family life, which is a joke. My dad isn’t around. My mom is flighty. My brother, as usual, is off doing his own thing and leaving it all on me.
“I need to get fucked up.” Fucked up so I can forget…
Everything.