I’m so mad, I’m shaking. Can he feel it, from the way he’s gripping my arm? He’s so close, his body heat emanates toward me. And all that barely restrained anger contained in his body radiates too. His hazel eyes are greener tonight, as they blaze at me, and when I glance up, I catch him staring at my lips.
As if he’s thinking about kissing me.
I don’t want him to. If he does, I might not be able to stop him.
“Why does it have to be about proving our love to each other?” he finally asks, his voice low. Husky.
Sexy.
Shit.
I need to get out of here. Being alone in a room with a drunk, pissed-off Eli is not good. He’ll most likely try to pounce.
And I won’t be able to resist.
“It doesn’t,” I say. “You’re the one who always puts conditions on our relationship.”
“That is such crap and you know it.”
I say nothing, because I know I’m right. He’s always had these expectations from our relationship, and half the time, I felt as if I couldn’t meet them. Especially once I went away for college.
That was the kiss of death for us. I see it now. With actual physical distance, we grew more detached. I firmly believed we’d survive just fine. Look at my sister and Ash. She was in Santa Barbara while Ash was here for the entirety of college. Four long years. And now they’re engaged and still madly in love. Maybe even more in love than they’ve ever been. I thought for sure Eli and I were solid. We could survive anything.
But Eli and I are not Autumn and Ash. They were stronger. Ash is definitely more mature than Eli. He’s not as selfish either.
I still love Eli, but I meant every word I said earlier. He is truly the most selfish human I know.
“Ava…” His voice drifts and he tugs me even closer, our bodies gently colliding. Heat explodes through my veins, making my skin warm and my body ultra-aware of our proximity. “I miss you.”
Those three words are worse than a kiss. They completely devastate me and I close my eyes so I can’t stare at his handsome face any longer. “Don’t,” I say weakly, my body swaying toward his.
It knows what it wants. My mind and my heart can’t control anything right now.
“Don’t what? Express my feelings? If I don’t, I’m going to explode. You should know, Ava. I’m still pissed, but I miss you like fucking crazy.”
My heart thumps wildly in my chest at his declaration. I miss him too, but I can’t say the words out loud. To do so would make me feel like I’m giving in.
I can’t do that. Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
“Do you miss me?” he asks.
He sounds like a scared boy afraid to hear the truth. But when I study his face, all I see is the man he’s become. Breathtakingly handsome with those pouty lips and the intense eyes. The sharp jaw covered in light scruff. He tilts his head to the side, waiting for my answer and I suck in a breath, ready to deny it.
Before I can utter a single word, his mouth lands on mine. Soft and still, as if he’s asking a question.
Should I do this?
Do you want this?
I yield beneath his lips, mine parting slowly as he pulls away, only to deliver another devastating kiss, taking this one deeper.
Yes , I silently answer him.
I want this.
Within seconds, he’s got his arms around my waist and my back pressed against the door, his tongue in my mouth, circling my own. I respond like a woman starved, my arms curling around his neck, my fingers sinking into his hair. It’s been so long since we’ve done this. Since I’ve touched him. Kissed him.
It feels fresh and new, tingles spreading all over my skin like it’s the first time we’ve ever kissed. A groan sounds from deep in his chest and I answer with a whimper. He pushes against me and I can feel what I do to him. He’s already hard.
God, what are we doing? We broke up. We shouldn’t be kissing.
But I don’t stop. It’s as if I can’t. We just kiss and kiss, swallowing each other’s moans and heated breaths, our tongues twisting, Eli’s hands wandering. He catches the hem of my dress and slips his hand beneath it, his fingers lightly running along the outside of my thigh. Goosebumps follow in his wake, I can feel them, and a full body shiver steals over me.
Without hesitation, he grabs hold of me more firmly and next thing I know, he’s lifting, my legs automatically going around his hips, my dress bunched up around my waist. He wedges himself in between my thighs, his denim-covered erection nudging against the front of my panties, making me moan.
It’s like I can’t stop making noise. Can’t stop moving with him. Can’t stop kissing him. I gasp for air when he breaks the kiss to run his mouth along my neck, his tongue licking, his teeth nipping. I try to pull him in closer, as close as he can get, and he lifts his head, breathing heavily.
My eyes are still closed, but I can feel him watching me. Slowly, I lift my lids and find his gaze on me, his damp lips parted and swollen, the look in his eyes…
Still angry.
I frown.
“You can’t deny that,” he murmurs, his hand coming up to cup the side of my face. “What we feel for each other still. It’s there.”
I don’t say a word because he’s right.
I can’t deny it.
“I’m sure you’ll walk out of this room as if I don’t affect you,” he continues, his voice growing stronger, his hand falling away from my cheek. “You’ll go back out to your friends and act like nothing happened. Or you’ll tell them we got into an argument. They’ll call me all kinds of names and you’ll agree with them, but deep down, you won’t be able to stop thinking about this.”
He kisses me deeply, his tongue stroking mine.
“Or this,” he whispers against my lips as he thrusts against me nice and slow, his hardness pressing into my softness. I bite back the whimper that threatens to escape, not wanting him to know just how much he affects me.
He has to know though. My panties are wet. Can he feel them? And the way I kissed him. So eager and willing.
I sort of hate myself right now.
“I hate you,” I whisper, my throat aching. I don’t hate him. Not even close. I hate what he did to me. I hate how he pushed me away and made me feel like utter garbage. I hate more that I’m back in his arms and giving in so easily.
But I also love him. I love him so damn much, it hurts.
I hurt all over.
“Keep telling yourself that,” he whispers, his mouth settling on mine briefly before he pulls away. Slowly he lowers me to the floor, where I land on wobbly feet, and he lets me go completely, backing up a couple of steps. “Go.”
I blink up at him, trying to control my shuddery breaths.
“Go on, get out of here,” he urges, his voice hard as steel. “Before I do something we both might regret.”
Scrambling for the handle, I push open the door and stumble out of the bedroom, striding down the hall with my head bent, my hair covering my face. My mind is awhirl with about a million emotions, none of them I can fully comprehend. I don’t know how to feel, I don’t know what to tell my friends, and I sure as hell don’t know how to pretend that nothing just happened between Eli and me.
Somehow, though, I’m able to function. Lifting my head, I find myself in the living room, my friends watching me. They all look worried, especially Jocelyn. I approach the dining table, smiling and shaking my head at a cute guy who asks me if I want a beer. I’ve never seen him before in my life, but the moment I walk past him, I hear Eli tell the guy, “Leave her the fuck alone.”
I don’t stick around to hear what else is said.
“What happened? Are you okay?” Hayden asks when I collapse into the empty chair.
“How long have I been gone?” I lift my hand, my fingers still shaking as I run them through my hair, hoping I seem nonchalant.
“Fifteen, twenty minutes, I think?” Gracie shrugs. The other girls nod their agreement. “Did you two have a fight?”
“Yes. We argued.” It’s just like Eli predicted. “It was…we got nowhere in our conversation.”
Hey, that’s not a lie. Our conversation really went nowhere.
Jocelyn touches my arm. “Did he upset you?”
“No more than usual,” I say with a shrug. Her hand falls away. “Why do you ask?”
“Your face is really red. Like you’re mad or—something.” She sends me a searching look and I glance away, uncomfortable with her scrutiny.
I don’t want her thinking something else happened. I’m not going to tell them Eli kissed me. And that it was the hottest kiss we’ve shared in…
Forever.
Nope, I’m keeping that little fact to myself.
I fill them in briefly on the argument, only offering up the main points: he still doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. I still think he’s a jerk. They all nod in agreement and lightly insult him with the exception of Gracie. Her silence is so obvious that Hayden finally has to say something.
“Are you really not taking our girl’s side here?” she asks Gracie.
“Hey, I just lived with him for a year,” Gracie says. “I witnessed the demise of their relationship.”
I wince. What a way to put it.
“Meaning you witnessed him being a complete raging asshole,” Hayden mutters, sending me a ‘don’t worry, I’ve got your back,’ look.
“He really wasn’t that much of an asshole,” Gracie admits. “Yeah, he overreacted and should’ve never made her choose. That was a dumb move on his part. But he suffered over it. A lot.”
I hate hearing that. I want to believe he didn’t suffer at all. That I’m the only one who took the brunt of our breakup while he went about his business as if nothing ever happened between us.
It’s easier to believe that’s how it went down, because I’m the victim in that scenario, which garners sympathy and….
And since when do I want to play the victim?
“Do you regret coming tonight?” Jocelyn asks, her face full of concern.
“No.” I shake my head. “I don’t regret it at all. That first conversation between us after the breakup needed to happen. Maybe…eventually, we can be friends.”
Doubtful. I can’t be just Eli’s friend. Not after he kissed me like he did.
I don’t know what to do about this. About us.
So I’m going to pretend nothing ever happened. It’s easier that way.
Safer.
The hairs on my arms prickle with awareness, as if someone is watching me, and I glance over my shoulder to find it’s Eli standing with his friends, a beer clutched in his hand and a thunderous expression on his face. He doesn’t look away from me. He just stares, as if daring me to do something, to say something.
I stare at him in return, half tempted to go to him. But that would be stupid.
So stupid.
Instead, I turn back around, smiling at something Hayden says, even though I have no idea exactly what it was. I nod and laugh, grateful I haven’t had a drop of alcohol tonight. I experienced that kiss with Eli completely sober, and God, it had been so good.
Freaking magical.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been held by someone who isn’t my family or a close friend. I crave closeness.
Ugh.
I crave Eli.
Even if I can’t have him.
Ever again.