“Would you like to hear how my evening went?” I ask cheerily.
I’m in my room the next morning after my run-in with Eli, on the phone with Ellie. She goes quiet for a moment, as if I asked her a trick question and she doesn’t quite know how to answer. “Um…okay?”
“Great! All right, picture it. I’m in my room, minding my own business and about to go to bed, so I can waste an hour on TikTok before I fall asleep, when I hear a knock. On my window. Mind you, I’m on the second floor,” I say.
“Oh, I know.” She sounds amused. Not freaked out or worried for me, which makes me guess she probably knows who it was knocking on my window.
“I throw back my curtains and I see Eli, just his head. He climbed up the trellis, Ellie.”
“Just like in high school,” she says, though I don’t need the reminder.
A sigh leaves me and I fight against the warm memories of Eli climbing the trellis and sneaking into my room back in the day. He was so bad.
And I loved every stolen minute I spent with him back then. It was thrilling.
Exciting.
“What did you do when you saw him?” she asks.
“I let him in. I had to. It was either that, or he could’ve plunged to his death,” I retort.
She laughs. “I doubt he would’ve actually died, but he might’ve broken a bone and ended his football career forever.”
Frowning, I shake my head. I didn’t even think of that. He is such an impulsive idiot sometimes, putting himself at risk in such a foolish way. All because of me.
You’re worth it, is what he would’ve said.
Before we ended things.
“He’s crazy,” I murmur.
“Yes, he is,” Ellie readily agrees. “So tell me. Did you guys…do anything?”
I think of the kiss, how hot it was. How easy it would’ve been to succumb to it. To give in to him. He’s got very persuasive lips.
Persuasive everything.
“No.”
“Really?” She sounds doubtful.
“We kissed,” I admit, closing my eyes. I’m still in bed, in my room, and it’s almost ten in the morning. I’m not one to sleep in, but I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I kept running over what happened. What he said. What I said. The taste of his lips. His hard body on top of mine…
I finally drifted off to sleep only to dream of him. Of course. When I finally woke up, confused and sweating, I realized quickly the house was quiet. Pretty sure everyone is gone and I’m glad. I know Beck is at school, but I don’t know where my parents are, or even when they actually left.
It’s okay, though. I’d rather not face them this morning. Not that they have any clue that Eli “stopped by” last night, but I’m still frazzled by his brief visit.
“Oooh, you guys kissed? Not surprising. How was it?” She sounds like the Ellie I knew back in middle school, when we were so young and silly and gossiped about boys and the popular group and who was going out with who.
“It was terrible,” I lie.
No, it was amazing. Even better than I remember. Is it my mind playing tricks on me? I go without for months, so any little show of attention from Eli sets me on fire? Am I that pathetic?
Or is it just that fiery between us still?
“You’re a liar,” Ellie says, not holding back.
Busted. “Fine. It wasn’t terrible. But I’m still so frustrated with him, Ellie. He says the worst things.”
“He always has,” Ellie points out.
Hmm. My best friend knows Eli better than I thought.
“Did he apologize yet?” she asks.
“No, of course he didn’t.”
Instead of forcing him back out my window, I opened the door of my bedroom for him, so he could exit the house like a normal human being. I asked if he wanted me to walk him to the front door and he said he knew where it was, I didn’t need to bother.
So I didn’t.
Even though I wanted to.
I waited a few minutes after he left, closing the curtains immediately but sneaking looks out the window to see if his car was still parked out front. He sat in that car for a while. I don’t know what he was doing. Thinking? Contemplating coming back into the house and talking to me?
I stood by the window with my heart in my throat, my stomach twisted in knots, secretly praying he would come to his senses and march back into the house, up the stairs and into my room and tell me he was sorry and that he loved me more than anything in the world.
But he did none of that. He eventually started the car and pulled away from the curb, disappearing into the night. I went downstairs, locked the front door, went back into my room and cried my eyes out into my pillow.
“Are you two ever going to be able to fix this?” Ellie asks.
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “Is it best that I just let him go and we move on? First love doesn’t always last forever.”
“No, it doesn’t,” she agrees. “But I thought you two were special.”
So did I, not that I want to admit it now.
“Clearly he’s too wrapped up in his own ego to see what he’s doing,” I say, sounding like a bitter old hag. “I think I should move on.”
“Really?” Ellie squeaks. She sounds surprised.
“Yes,” I say with a nod, even though she can’t see me. “I need to go out with friends. Meet someone new. Maybe lots of someone news.”
That’s never going to happen with the friend group here. Eli is part of it. And I have no single friends here.
Right now, I wish I was in San Diego. I suppose I could go down there if I really wanted to, though I really have nowhere to live. I bet Mom and Dad would rent an apartment for me, and then I could eventually find roommates for the spring semester.
The problem is, my old roommates are in their place for the school year, so I can’t live with them. I really don’t want to live with strangers. And I really don’t want to live on my own either. Sleeping in my own apartment at night, every night sounds…
A little scary.
Not that I would admit that to anyone. I’m supposed to be an independent woman who can handle anything. I’m twenty years old, for the love of God. Years ago, women my age were already married and having children.
I’m definitely not ready for all of that responsibility. Living on my own, being my own person and not attached to someone else—that’s overwhelming too. I was comfortable being part of a team. Ava and Eli.
Eli and Ava.
Now I’m just Ava.
And I’m terrified. Despite everything we’ve gone through, I’m afraid to be on my own and do my own thing.
It’s almost as if I don’t know how.
My experience in Spain was amazing, but I was accompanied by someone the entire time. The host family I lived with had a daughter two years younger than me, and we became fast friends. I also made friends with others who were involved in the study abroad program. We would all see the sights together. I never, ever felt alone, and I was experiencing so many new things, I didn’t have time to think. Or worry. Or wonder what Eli was doing without me.
Okay, that last part is a lie. I definitely thought about Eli, and wondered what he was doing. But then I’d shove him out of my head and focus on what I was doing and experiencing. I could worry about him later.
Like now. It’s all I do. Doesn’t help that he pushes himself upon me every chance he can get. It’s like he can’t leave me alone, and I get it.
Even though he frustrates me and I’d love to sock him in the nuts like I threatened him when he snuck into my room last night, I still can’t resist him either.
I’m just as bad as he is.
“…and you never did explain how Eli ended up at your house, you know,” Ellie says, her words bringing me back to the present.
I tell her about seeing him at Southgate.
“All the restaurants in town and we both pick that one,” I say.
“Not like there are a lot of options,” Ellie says.
She’s so right. “Is it ever going to hurt less? Seeing him?”
“Yes,” Ellie says, her voice soft. “I know it hurts right now and feels overwhelming, but eventually, it’s going to lessen, and it’ll get easier. And someday, you’ll most likely forget all about him.”
“Doubtful,” I automatically say because I can’t imagine ever forgetting about Eli Bennett.
“I know. The fucker,” Ellie mutters.
We both laugh at that. Then I change the subject, asking about her podcast. When she was starting out, I was one of her first guests and we had so much fun and talked so much, she had to edit it down from three hours to one, which we found hilarious.
Back when I could laugh easily and was so confident. I was on top of the world and secure in my relationship with Eli. Even when I was down in San Diego and we had the occasional rough patch due to us living so far apart, I never worried about us. We were strong. We could make it through anything.
Everything.
“I’ll be at my parents just before Halloween,” Ellie says, pulling me out of my thoughts yet again. “Anyone doing anything?”
“If they’re not, we should plan something,” I suggest, suddenly excited at the possibilities. “We should host a costume party!”
“Where would we have the party? Oh wait…” Her voice drifts and I can tell she’s thinking. “I wonder if Jackson’s uncle still owns that cabin.”
“Oh, no way,” I breathe. I can’t imagine having a party there again. Talk about a flashback.
“I think he does. Wouldn’t it be fun to have a party there? We had a lot of good times back then,” Ellie says, her voice wistful.
“Yeah, you dreamily watching Jackson while he strummed his guitar for his fans,” I tease her.
“I was his number one fan though,” she says cheekily. “Even back then.”
“And especially right now.”
“It’s still hard for me to believe sometimes that we’re actually together and living this—life.” She hesitates for a moment. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to rub it in your face or whatever. I’m just really happy.”
“And you deserve to be,” I tell her gently. “It’s okay to express your happiness. You deserve it.”
“It was worth it. Sometimes, we have to go through shit to get to the good stuff on the other side,” Ellie says, my oh-so-wise friend. “Maybe that’s what’s happening with you and Eli, Ava. You’re going through tough times to get to the good again.”
“Yeah. Maybe,” I say, but I don’t believe it.
I’m starting to think our good times are over.
Forever.