We’re at the Bulldog game the Saturday before Halloween and we’re actually tailgating. It’s me and the girls—Hayden, Gracie and Jocelyn—and my parents, who aren’t at Jake’s game this Saturday because he has a bye week. Beck and Jos’s sister Addison are with us too. I guess they’re friends? I don’t know what’s going on, but I see the way Beck looks at Addie sometimes, and I wonder if he has a little crush.
I’ll have to ask him about it later.
Dad doesn’t make his beer butt chicken anymore. Instead, we’re having Mom’s “world famous” (quote from Dad) chicken wings. She marinates half of them in teriyaki sauce and the other half in spicy hot sauce overnight. Then Dad barbecues them, and I have to admit, they smell amazing. Usually I don’t like eating wings—a lot of work and mess for little reward—but Dad is so excited for us to try them, I’ll do it just to make him happy.
Hayden and Gracie always act a little starstruck around my father. Gracie admitted once she thought he was a total DILF and that’s just…ew. I can’t imagine my dad with anyone else but my mom. And those two still act like teenagers in love sometimes. When I was younger, I thought it was embarrassing.
Now I watch them and I feel sad. I think of Eli and how he ruined everything.
The jerk.
That I’m here tonight to watch him somehow feels wrong. I should boycott this game. Really I should be at some frat party in San Diego right now with my friends, flirting with a cute boy who won’t give me a bunch of shit for my life choices.
But Dad has box seat season tickets and we always have more than enough room in that thing to have lots of people come watch the game. My dad didn’t go to Fresno State, but because we live so close, he likes to support the team. Plus, they’re a D-1 school and maybe someday Beck will play here. Jake was always meant for greatness. Not that Beck isn’t a great player, because he so is. He just has a different attitude about football.
For Jake, it’s life. He took it seriously from the time he was six and started playing in the youth leagues. Beck has been playing just as long too, but he doesn’t live for it. Not like our big brother.
Eli has much the same attitude as Beck. He could give or take football, though playing for the Bulldogs through the years, I noticed he started to take it more seriously. He’s their leader this year, and he’s having the best season of his college career, which is perfect, considering he’s a senior. I’ve watched highlights on ESPN and YouTube. The boy is on fire. He’s throwing perfect spirals that land most of the time in Diego’s outstretched hands and it’s truly a sight to witness.
“Do you need any help, Mr. Callahan?” This comes from Gracie, who is currently watching my father with adoring eyes.
Oh boy.
“I’m good, Gracie.” He flashes her a smile from over his shoulder and I swear I just heard her sigh. “And I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, but call me Drew.”
“Okay—Drew.” She giggles.
So does Hayden.
I roll my eyes.
“I think your friends have a crush on your father,” Mom whispers to me.
I make a face. “It’s kind of gross.”
Mom waves her hand. “It’s harmless.”
“You really don’t mind?” I meet her gaze, noticing how unbothered she looks.
“If I had an issue with every woman who’s had the hots for your dad over the years, I’d be long gone by now,” Mom says with a laugh.
Her confidence in my father is staggering, but then again, it’s not; they truly love each other and nothing can keep them apart.
I remember feeling like that with Eli…
My phone buzzes and I pull it out of the back pocket of my jeans to see I have a text from Ellie.
Where are you?
I send her a quick reply.
Me: Tailgating before the game. Where are YOU?
Ellie: Wouldn’t you like to know?
Hmm. What’s up with that?
I watch my friends fangirl over my dad while Beck and Addie are making semi-awkward conversation, as Jocelyn looks on with amusement. Mom is going through the food in the giant ice chest that currently sits in the back of her brand-new Range Rover and I go to help her, shrieking when cold fingers suddenly touch my bare arm.
Whirling around, I let out another, much louder scream when I see Ellie standing before me with a giant smile on her face. I pull her into my arms and clutch her close, fighting the tears that want to spill. I can’t cry. Not right now. But I’m so happy my best friend is here—it’s been months since I’ve seen her—that I squeeze her extra hard, worried I might never let her go.
“I’ve missed you,” I tell her, my voice shaky.
“Surprise,” she murmurs as she gently pulls out of my embrace, though she still keeps hold of my arms. Her smile is kind, her eyes brimming with tears just like mine. “We kept our coming here a secret.”
“You suck,” I say with a sniff, giving her another quick hug.
“But aren’t you glad?” She laughs, wiping beneath her eyes. “We only just got here about an hour ago.”
“Did you drive or fly?”
“Drove.” Ellie rolls her eyes. “Jackson wanted to go over the Grapevine with the windows down on the Porsche, blasting the radio.”
“So old-fashioned,” I tease. “Tell me he was at least streaming.”
“Nope.” Ellie shakes her head. “He wanted the radio on. Said something about keeping it authentic? He’s so funny sometimes.”
I take a step back, really drinking her in. She’s wearing jeans and a navy Bulldogs sweatshirt. Her hair is longer than usual, and the ends are wavy. Her dark brown eyes sparkle and there’s a flush to her cheeks. I give her yet another hug. “You look so happy, El.”
“I’m really happy.” She drops a kiss on my cheek. “You look sad.”
“I am,” I say, being completely honest. We separate from each other again, though we’re still standing close. “It probably wasn’t a good idea, coming to this game.”
“It’ll be fun. We’ll all be together, watching the boys. Like old times,” she says.
“Right, but now it’s my turn to be the one watching the boy who won’t have anything to do with me.” I wince. “Sorry. You know what I mean.”
Yeah, I’m actually referencing how Jackson used to be. She existed only when it mattered to him. Otherwise, he’d ignore her or just treat her like a friend.
Now though? Their relationship is true goals. He adores her.
I glance around, looking for Jackson, but he’s nowhere to be found.
“Where’s your boyfriend?” I ask Ellie.
“With the team, can you believe it? The special teams coach always had a soft spot for him and Jackson still has his phone number. He arranged to show up in the locker room as a surprise,” Ellie explains.
“I don’t know how they let him in. They’re usually pretty strict about that stuff.”
“When you’re a celebrity who used to play for the team, no matter how briefly, I guess they’ll let you in.” Ellie beams.
Gracie and Hayden join us and they both hug Ellie, all of us chattering and playing catch up with each other. Jocelyn eventually joins our group as well, her little sister tagging along, listening to all of us as we talk about college and men and the future. Addie’s eyes get wider and wider the more we say, which is kind of amusing.
“Boys are nothing but trouble huh,” she says, after everyone listens to me complain about Eli, and they insert their two cents.
We all laugh.
“They are,” her sister agrees. “But some of them are also worth the trouble.”
“Sometimes,” I add.
Everyone’s focus turns to me.
“What’s going on with you two anyway? And don’t give us a bunch of bullshit,” Gracie says. “Caleb says Eli has the NFL looking at him.”
I feel like I’ve been socked in the stomach, I’m so surprised. “Really?” I squeak out.
She nods. “Isn’t it awesome?”
“Diego too,” Jocelyn adds. “Those two are having a phenomenal season. Scouts are here this weekend. I’m pretty sure they’re both going into the draft in the spring.”
I’m stunned. Happy for Eli and Diego. Extra happy for Eli, despite everything. But this is the opportunity he never believed he could have. From the time we first started dating, he always said he wasn’t going to be a big football star. He loves the game, but he never fully believed in himself.
“That’s amazing,” I finally say, when it feels like they’re all watching me, waiting for my reaction. My gaze goes to Jocelyn. “I’m so happy for Diego. For you too.”
“It’s exciting,” she says with a smile. “But Diego warned me not to get my hopes up. Nothing may come of this, but we both can’t help but dream of NFL stardom.”
“How is Eli dealing with it?” I ask my friends. Ellie shrugs because, of course, she doesn’t know.
The other three women though? They should know.
“Caleb says he’s excited,” Gracie says.
And that’s it. That’s all she offers. Hayden and Jocelyn nod in agreement, and then they change the subject.
I can’t stop thinking about it though. I go through the motions and fill my plate with food when my parents declare it’s ready, but I don’t really eat any of it. I sit with Beck and Addie, half-listening to their conversation while my friends all sit with my parents and talk about football, something I’m not interested in discussing.
I just want to sit in my thoughts. Eli’s life is moving forward at an accelerated rate while I’m over here stalled. I wish I was celebrating with him. Celebrating him. I can’t help but be proud of him.
So proud.
Who’s in his corner? His friends, of course. The women who are with me right now—minus Ellie, who will always, no matter what, be in my corner. Do his parents know and more than that, do they care? What about his brother, Ryan? What does he think? Has Eli told him yet?
Sighing, I get out of my chair without a word to Beck or Addie and make my way over to a garbage can, dumping my mostly full plate of food. Mom spots me, and she must’ve noticed my plate.
“You weren’t hungry?”
I shake my head, saying nothing.
She frowns. “You all right?”
“Did you know about Eli and the NFL?” I blurt.
Her expression barely shifts. “Yes.”
I gape at her. “And you didn’t think to tell me?”
“I don’t know how to bring him up in conversation with you right now,” she admits. “And I figured you might not even care.”
“My problem is I care too much,” I stress. “I wish you would’ve told me. Gracie mentioned it and I about fell over, I was so surprised.”
“He called your father,” Mom says, her voice low. “Right after he found out.”
“What?” I say it so loudly, everyone swivels their head in our direction. My cheeks turn red with embarrassment, but thankfully they all look away and resume their conversations.
Mom nods. “Your father mentioned it to me that night. I guess Eli had no one else to share it with and wanted to tell your dad.”
“Was Dad nice to him?” They haven’t always had the best relationship. My father used to actively dislike him. Didn’t help, that one time Dad caught Eli in the back yard with me in the middle of the night.
We were young and in love and no one was going to stop us. Not even my father.
Just like with Jake, my father eventually came around. My mom always had a soft spot for Eli. She likes broken boys though.
And Eli Bennett is definitely a broken boy. He used to be my broken boy.
Now I’m the ex who finds out his important life events second-hand.
“Yes, he was nice,” Mom answers.
“Huh.” I wish he would’ve called me. I wish I was the first person he wanted to tell.
“Kind of risky, considering how your father feels about him,” Mom continues.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Your father doesn’t approve of the way he treated you when you went to Spain. I don’t either. But he said all of the right things to Eli and told him that he’s proud of him. That’s all Eli really wanted.”
Just as I suspected, Eli still doesn’t have any familial support. It’s so badly fractured he had to talk to my dad to get an adult’s approval.
“Why didn’t he tell me?” The moment the words leave me, I feel pathetic. He didn’t tell me because we’re not together. I don’t deserve to know. I’m out of his life, just as he’s out of mine. I don’t tell him what’s going on with me, why should I expect him to let me know about the NFL?
“You’re not his girlfriend any longer,” Mom reminds me gently. “And you’re still mad at him, right? He probably thought you didn’t care.”
Probably. Has he already moved on? Maybe he just wanted to brag.
See Drew Callahan? I’m worth it. I’m worthy of you and your family. Your daughter. I have potential, even though you never really believed in me.
I can hear Eli say those exact words in my head, though he’d never repeat them to my father out loud.
Bet he thought it though. I know how he works. How he thinks.
I know Eli Bennett better than anyone else on this planet. But I don’t have to worry about him anymore. He’s not mine.
No matter how badly I secretly want him to be.