DURING THE WINTER, around the time I had my crush on Louie, Lenny and Ellen Rossi had been going together. Ellen was too heavy, but she had a few assets like a pretty face and a big bust. Ellen never worried about stuff like if it was proper to chase after boys. She was a born flirt and would do things like plop herself down on a boy’s lap and run her fingers through his hair.
Ellen and Lenny went together on and off for months. They had a stormy relationship with lots of fights, breakups, and make-ups. Then Ellen had started going out with Nicky James, this tall, gawky, freckle-faced boy, who at one time had had a crush on me. Ellen and Nicky had broken up right before Ellen had gone away to summer camp.
I was very glad that Ellen was away while I was first going with Lenny. I wanted our relationship to have a good foundation before she came back. I always knew that if Ellen was around, it could mean trouble for Lenny and me.
But summer couldn’t last forever. And on the first cool day that hinted of fall, the word spread throughout the neighborhood that Ellen had returned.
The next morning was Saturday. I was on my way with my mother to go shopping to buy some things for the new school year, when I ran into Fran. She was the one who broke the news to me.
“I’m going over to Ellen’s,” she told me. “Danny’s supposed to meet me there later, along with some of the other kids. I think Lenny will be coming, too.”
“Lenny?” I felt this clutching in my stomach. “He didn’t say anything to me about going to Ellen’s.”
“No?” Fran shrugged her shoulders. “Well, maybe I’m wrong. Try to come by anyway.”
Now my entire morning was ruined. I knew Fran didn’t make that up about Lenny’s going to Ellen’s. She must have heard it from Dan who probably heard it from Lenny. But Lenny hadn’t said a word to me about going to Ellen’s. That meant he didn’t want me to know, which meant he had motives for going that I wouldn’t be very happy about.
All through the shopping trip I kept thinking of Lenny and Ellen. What if she had lost weight during the summer and looked positively gorgeous? What if he decided he still liked her more than he liked me? By the time I arrived back home I was burning with anxiety. What had happened while I was gone?
I decided against going to Ellen’s. Instead, I would sit up on the park wall and wait for someone to come along who knew what had been going on there this morning. Once I had the picture, then I would decide what to do.
Danny and Fran were the first ones to appear. They had good news and bad news. The good news was when Fran had told Lenny I knew he was up there at Ellen’s, he said he had no intention of going after her. The bad news was that he, along with Nicky, Sheldon, and Roz, was still up at her house.
After a while, Sheldon and Roz came along. “Boy, that Ellen really changed over the summer,” Roz reported. “She seems quieter, more mature—almost sophisticated. I think she’s lost weight, too.”
“Oh, really?” I pretended to be indifferent. This was not what I needed to hear. I began working myself into a terrible state of mind. Lenny knew I would be back early from shopping. Why would he still be up at Ellen’s house unless he was interested in her again?
I could picture Ellen right now, sitting in Lenny’s lap, her chubby arms thrown around his neck. I could hear her telling him how much she missed him and bringing her lips so close to his that he couldn’t resist kissing her. I started feeling as sick as if this had really happened.
That’s when Lenny showed up, walking toward the wall, accompanied by Nicky. I saw him coming and didn’t know how to handle it.
What do you say to your boyfriend when you know he’s just come from his ex-girlfriend’s house? Do you ask him if he enjoyed himself, if he still found her attractive, if any old feelings are still there? Do you pretend that you’re so secure you’re not worrying about it one bit? Or do you get angry and tell him he had some nerve visiting her when he’s supposed to be going with you?
I didn’t know what was the right way to act with Lenny. I certainly didn’t know what was the right thing to say. Out of fear of making the wrong decision, I wound up not saying anything to him at all.
“Hi, Nicky,” I said, totally ignoring Lenny. “Did you have a good morning?”
“Oh yeah.” Nicky looked at Lenny and laughed. “We had a great morning, didn’t we, Lenny?”
“It was okay.” ‘Lenny sounded annoyed as he said it. I was hoping he would say something to explain the situation and make me feel better, but he didn’t. He spotted Billy coming down the street and walked over to talk to him. He spent the rest of the afternoon talking to Billy, Sheldon, and Nicky. It was as if I wasn’t even there.
Now I felt really awful. I knew I shouldn’t have ignored Lenny when he came to the wall. He probably figured I was mad at him, and of course, I really didn’t have any reason to be mad at him—except for what I was imagining in my mind.
But it was too late to do anything about it now. There was nothing I could think of to say or do without making myself look like a fool. So I hung around the wall, talking to Roz and Fran and feeling miserable.
* * *
That night, Danny stayed over at my house. My mother and his had arranged it so he wouldn’t have to go back home on the subways late at night when it was so dangerous. My mother put up a cot for him in my brothers’ room.
I was hoping that with Danny around, we could get another couples’ date going. Lenny and I would have a wonderful time, and he would tell me I was the only one for him. It didn’t work out that way. Roz was being punished by her father for some little thing that she had done and wasn’t allowed out that night. Donna was stuck home baby-sitting for her two little brothers. Instead of making an effort to get things right with me, Lenny went off with Sheldon, Nicky, and Billy to organize a card game with some other boys in the neighborhood.
There was nothing for me to do but to go over to Fran’s with Danny. I felt like I was in the way there, hanging around with the two of them. To make matters worse, Ellen called to speak to Fran. I had to drag it out of her, but Fran finally admitted what Ellen had told her.
“Ellen says she had forgotten how cute Lenny was over the summer. She would find it very easy to start liking him again.”
“Oh, she would, would she?” I said angrily. “Doesn’t she know that Lenny is now my boyfriend?”
“See, there you go getting all hotheaded, Linda,” said Fran. “That’s why I didn’t want to tell you what Ellen said. Besides, it doesn’t make any difference whether Ellen likes Lenny. What matters is who Lenny likes—Ellen or you!”
“What’s wrong with his liking both?” Danny put his arms around Fran and me and hugged us together. Fran squirmed loose from him and hit him over the head with a pillow for that remark. But to me, it was serious.
“Maybe Ellen’s willing to go along with a situation like that,” I said. “But I’m not. Lenny’s going to have to make up his mind which one of us he wants!”
“Why don’t you take it a little easier, Linda?” Danny suggested. “Things have a way of working out. If it’s meant to be for you and Lenny to stay together, something will happen to get Ellen out of the picture. If it isn’t—well, you’re better off finding out Lenny’s not for you before you get too serious and really get hurt.”
“It’s too late for that already,” I said glumly.
Dan and Fran laughed, but I wasn’t kidding. Lenny and I had only been going together a little over a month—not a very long time, to be sure. But time had nothing to do with the way I felt about Lenny. He had to choose me over Ellen. He had to!
* * *
I was very nervous, not knowing what to expect the next morning when our crowd met at the park wall to go to the beach. Fortunately, Ellen wasn’t there, and Lenny was in a good mood because he had won at the card game. When we got to the beach, he organized a “chicken fight.” The girls climbed on the boys’ shoulders, and everyone tried to knock each other into the water. We were all laughing so hard that any hard feelings seemed to be forgotten.
But a little later, when we were up on the blankets drying off, things abruptly changed. “Uh-oh. Look who’s coming,” Donna announced.
I looked up and my heart sank. Renee Berkley was making her way toward us, but it wasn’t Louie who was accompanying her today. It was the person I least wanted to show up on the beach, Ellen Rossi. And she had lost enough weight over the summer to risk being seen in a bikini almost as skimpy as Renee’s.
If you asked me, she was still too fat for a bikini, but nobody bothered asking me. I saw Lenny eyeing her appreciatively as he pretended to be busy digging a hole in the sand.
I was tempted to go over and step on his head, but I controlled myself. Instead, I made a supreme effort to be big and went over to greet Ellen.
“Hi, Ellen. How’ve you been? Did you have a good summer?”
“Sure did. Camp was great, even though the food was awful. But then again, that’s how I lost the weight to fit into this bikini!” She giggled and twirled to show off her new figure.
The boys all responded to this with whistles and howls. Ellen absolutely ate it up. “Anyhow, I’m glad to be back. I hear you and I have something in common now, Linda.”
“We do? What’s that?”
“Lenny! We’ve both gone out with him now.”
“Oh yeah, Lenny.” I tried to smile, but I couldn’t. I knew what she meant by this statement. We both went out with Lenny so that made us equals. She regarded Lenny as fair game.
Well, I didn’t look at it that way. Lenny was my boyfriend now. Ellen had had her shot at him, and she blew it. She wasn’t going to come between us if I had anything to say about it.
But as I was thinking of something clever to say to let her know all this, Ellen lost interest in talking to me. She walked to where Lenny was digging and began to fuss over him.
“Oh, Lenny! Look at that hole you’re making! It’s got to be the biggest hole I’ve ever seen! Soon you’ll get down so deep you’ll hit water!”
What a jerk she looked, making a fuss over a stupid hole. But Lenny didn’t seem to realize Ellen was being a jerk. He was too busy staring up at the view of her bikini from the perspective of his hole.
“I’ve hit water already,” he said, hoisting himself onto the sand. “Time to give up on this hole.”
“Good!” Ellen giggled. “Because this ocean air has given me an appetite. Why don’t we go up on the boardwalk and see what there is to eat?”
All anyone had to do was mention food to Lenny and he was already salivating. “Great idea—I’m starved,” he agreed. Then, as if an afterthought, he added, “Anyone else for the boardwalk?”
Once Lenny said that, all the other kids decided to come along. All except me. I wasn’t about to chase after Lenny as he did exactly what Ellen asked him to.
Instead, I sat on the blanket by myself and took out the lunch I had brought from home. It was a peanut butter sandwich. I took a bite out of it and chewed. Yuck! Somehow it had gotten full of sand. Disgusted, I threw the sandwich away. I wasn’t really hungry, anyway.
I lay back and watched the clouds drift across the sky. Was I doing the right thing by not following Lenny to the boardwalk? Did I come off as cool and above it all, or was I being a fool and playing right into Ellen’s hands?
I rolled over onto my stomach. It seemed a long time that everyone was gone. Maybe I should go to the boardwalk and see what was happening. But then I would look twice as silly, as if I didn’t trust Lenny with Ellen. After all, there were lots of other kids there with them. What could be going on?
I found out a short time later, when Roz and Donna returned from the boardwalk. They brought with them nothing but bad news.
“Some of the kids are playing the games again,” Roz reported. “Would you believe that dumb Nicky is wasting his money trying to win a teddy bear for Renee, even though he knows she’s Louie’s girl and has no interest in him?”
“If you ask me, Lenny is even dumber,” said Donna. Then she looked at me and clapped her hand over her mouth. “Sorry, Linda. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Don’t be sorry. Tell me what you were about to say,” I urged, even though something told me I wasn’t going to like it.
I didn’t. “Lenny’s trying to win a bear for Ellen,” Donna admitted.
“Not that he wanted to—she just kept begging him, so he couldn’t refuse,” Roz tried to explain.
“Sure he could have—if he cared anything about my feelings,” I said sadly. “How quickly he forgets that I’m the one who’s supposed to be his girlfriend.”
It was bad enough to think about Lenny there on the boardwalk with Ellen. But when, a few minutes later, I saw them actually walking back to the blanket together, a little bear displayed proudly in Ellen’s arms, it was more than I could take.
Leave it to Ellen to rub it into me. “How do you like my new teddy bear, Linda? Isn’t it cute? Wasn’t it sweet of Lenny to win it for me?”
I was filled with this urge to tear that bear from her chubby fingers, throw it in the hole Lenny had dug, and bury it so deeply it could never be found again. I fought it back. The last thing I needed to do was show how jealous I was in front of all the kids. But I knew that if I stayed in that situation, I wouldn’t be able to control myself much longer.
“Real sweet!” I managed to force out the words. Then I whirled around and stalked off toward the ocean and began walking along the water’s edge. I had to be by myself just then. I had to walk off the tension. I had to let the wind that whipped off the water and the waves that lapped against my feet carry away my anger, hurt, and pain.
I knew Lenny would probably be annoyed at me for running away—it wasn’t the way he liked me to act.
But what did it matter? If he really cared about me and having me for his girlfriend, how could he have treated me this way? How could he be so uncaring about my feelings as to openly choose Ellen in front of everyone?
* * *
I was hoping Lenny would at least try to talk to me on the way home from the beach, but he didn’t. And I didn’t trust myself to attempt to talk to him. I was too afraid I might lose my temper or say something to make the situation worse.
All the next day while I was baby-sitting, I thought of Lenny constantly. Although we had only been going together a short time, he was already a big part of my life. We had shared so many thoughts and feelings and wonderful times. Why did Ellen have to come along to ruin everything?
That night, our crowd was hanging around the candy store by my corner. I looked out my window and saw that Ellen wasn’t there, but Lenny was. I went downstairs, hoping this might be the time to set things right between us again.
Lenny was standing in the center of the group when I got there. He was telling a joke, and he had everyone laughing at how funny he looked and talked. He was laughing, too, obviously enjoying the attention he was getting.
I felt like an outsider among my own friends. I tried to join in the laughter, but I wasn’t really part of it. How could I be when inside I was numb with fear about what might happen to Lenny and me?
For a while I managed to put up a front, joking around with some of the other boys. I wanted to show Lenny that I could have a good time no matter what was going on with him. I wanted to believe that if I ignored the tension between us, maybe it would go away.
It didn’t. I noticed Lenny kept checking his watch. Finally he said something to me, “Linda, I’d like to talk to you. Why don’t we go sit in your hall?”
“Okay,” I said numbly. I followed him into my building. We sat on the steps between the second- and third-floor landings. It was a spot we had often come to before, to be alone and talk together, a spot we had stood at, kissing each other good-night.
It had always felt good to be with Lenny at that spot—until now. I leaned against the wall for support and stared at him through frightened eyes. I waited for what I knew was coming.
“Linda,” he began. “It’s hard for me to say this to you, so I want you to just try to listen.”
I sucked in my breath. After this kind of beginning, what followed couldn’t be anything I wanted to hear. I told myself to keep control, no matter what. “I’m listening.”
“I know you think I like Ellen again, but that’s not the problem. I just don’t like what I see happening to us since she’s been back. Going together with you has been great most of the time—don’t get me wrong. But I don’t think I’m ready for the kind of relationship you want. I need more freedom. I don’t want to have to answer to you or worry about it if what I’m doing is hurting your feelings. Do you understand?”
Understand? All I could understand was that Lenny had been my boyfriend, and it had been wonderful. But now he obviously didn’t want it that way anymore. How could he expect me to feel but hurt?
It was hard for me to say anything. I was so afraid I would start to cry. “Y-you mean you want to break up, don’t you?”
He swallowed hard. “I think it’s better for us to go our separate ways now, Linda. Before we really hurt one another.”
“Okay,” I said hoarsely. “If you feel that way.”
Silence. He took my hand and squeezed it briefly. Then he walked down the stairs without looking back.
I wondered what he was going to say to his friends. That he had gotten rid of the burden, the girl who liked him too much? That he was now free to mess around with Ellen or any other girl?
And what was I going to say to everyone? How could I face a group of people who knew I had just been dumped?
I realized the sooner I did it, the better. I would force myself to go outside, laugh, and show everyone that none of this bothered me. The pain didn’t exist. It didn’t matter at all.