It was half four in the morning. Faded light blanketed the city before her, and Evie could see the occasional wink of the Dublin Spire glinting in the distance. She stood for a few minutes, feeling the chill of the morning air about her body. She couldn’t remember waking up. Annalise slept serenely on the armchair. The spire caught her eye again in the distance, keeping watch over the city-centre streets. She read somewhere you could see it from outer space.
‘Evie, are you awake?’
‘I’m fine Annalise, just fine. Go back to sleep.’ Nothing had changed. If anything, Kasia looked worse than earlier. Her face was a patchwork of bruising and cuts, purple, yellow, blue and black, a rainbow of blows that could still take her from them. Evie began to cry. She abandoned a lifetime of poise while she cried, for Paul probably, but mostly for Kasia, whose life was in the balance.
‘Oh, Evie, are you all right?’ Annalise came to her side. There was something about Annalise. They had a connection that made it possible for Evie to let go more than she ever had with anyone else; even, she had to admit, Paul.
At seven, Grace knocked at the door. She brought with her two cups of strong tea and news that the baby was stable. Against all the odds, she was far more robust and healthier than expected. Evie was delighted with the baby. If only Kasia would come round soon to share this wonderful time. Evie had never experienced a newborn baby before and even now, amidst the angiuish and fear for Kasia, she felt it was wondrous. She whispered the news into Kasia’s ear.
‘Did you see that?’ Evie whispered. ‘She moved. Did you see the expression in her face? Tell me you saw it? It was as though she heard you, Grace. Tell her again about the baby.’
‘Get a nurse,’ Grace said before repeating the words she’d said to Kasia. ‘Such a fine baby, with your eyes, Kasia. She has long arms and legs, a strong baby girl. She will be fine.’ It wasn’t strictly true. There was no guarantee that any of the babies in the special care unit would make it, but Kasia needed optimism. She needed something to come back for.
Suddenly Kasia’s body tensed rigidly. It lasted for a split second, but when she relaxed Evie felt it was as though her spirit left them. Later she’d wonder if she’d imagined it. Then it seemed as if every buzzer in the hospital started to squawk and whine. Lights flashed and doors crashed open; frenzied, efficient doctors and nurses pressed their way to Kasia’s side. For Evie, the next few seconds were a blur. She couldn’t remember if she stood back or if she was pushed. She found herself next to the nursing station, holding a cup of tea she’d never drink, watching as a large doctor attempted to resuscitate Kasia.
‘Will she be okay?’ Grace asked a nurse. It was all happening too fast. Kasia couldn’t die. Not when things could be so good for her. For all of them. Not with the baby.
‘Her heart has stopped. We have to get her breathing again, and then we’ll have to find out why.’ An older nurse shepherded the three of them out into the waiting room. ‘This is no place for you. Trust me; the team will work hard to make sure she pulls out of this.’
The waiting room was little more than a white box: no windows, no colour, save for a cheap Degas print, faded blues and purples and pinks and ballet dancers long since dead. She had, from the moment they arrived in the hospital, studiously ignored the memories from the last time she was here. This time was very different. Then she didn’t think she had anything to live for, now the very person who pulled her through was fighting for her life. She couldn’t think about any of this, no matter how it tried to invade her thoughts. She knew the reason, too. It was guilt, pure and simple. No matter which way she turned it over, her attempted suicide had brought Kasia and her baby to this place. So they sat there silently until a bright-eyed doctor knocked quietly on the door. He seemed impossibly young to Evie to pass on bad news; he must, she reassured herself, be here to tell them all was well.
‘It’s not good, I’m afraid,’ he said. Evie didn’t hear much else. She flapped back into a chair, felt the world muffle in about her. All the happy pills in the world would be of no comfort to her this time. ‘She’s in surgery now,’ he said, his face stonily serious.
‘They managed to get her heart started, which has to be good?’ Annalise said. Grace remained silent.
‘Yes, but she’s not breathing, not independently. If the damage done by a haemorrhage is too severe…’
‘So she was haemorrhaging?’ Grace whispered.
‘I’m afraid so. The surgery will take hours. If it’s successful, she’ll be in recovery after that.’ He spoke softly. ‘You probably won’t be able to see her for the remainder of the day.’
‘Will she make it?’ Grace asked the one question they were all afraid to ask. If they were operating, there was a chance of success, surely?
‘I can’t say. I’m afraid we’re back to waiting.’
‘So, it’s no different to last night?’ Grace’s voice sounded as if it came from deep in her gut. There was too much emotion here not to have affected all of them starkly.
‘No. I’m afraid not. The worst has happened. We feared that there might have been trauma severe enough to cause bleeding; she really is badly injured. We’re very lucky she was here, near enough to operate quickly. It will depend on how tough she is and the damage done.’ He spoke to Grace. Maybe he sensed that she was the strongest of them. ‘She’s already lost a lot of blood – with the baby,’ he sighed. It was all he could say.
‘So…’
‘So we need to start praying,’ Evie croaked the words.
‘That’s as much as you can do.’ He knelt down in front of Evie. ‘We’re doing all we can for your daughter. She’s in the best place possible.’
*
It was the most dreadful shock. Far worse than Paul dying, Evie surprised herself by admitting that to Annalise. Was it worse than finding out Paul hadn’t told Annalise that he was still married to Evie? Was it worse than finding out that Kasia had been in the car with him that night? It was a hundred times worse, because with Kasia, she knew she was losing her future. Of course, there were conversations to be had, but Evie decided weeks ago that she was leaving Carlinville to Kasia. She hadn’t said anything because she wasn’t sure how Kasia would react. After all, it is only people who are dying, or planning on it, who talk about making wills. Evie didn’t want people believing that her thoughts might be wandering in that direction again. Far from it, as it happened – Evie felt she never had more to live for.
She knew it was down to these three women. Since Paul left, for the first time in her life, she had back-up. She had an odd mixture of family, who were no relations and yet they were all connected. The turning point was that awful day she woke up after she’d tried to… Funny, although it had probably been the lowest point in her life, that was when things started to improve.
Having Kasia in the house certainly helped. Grace too, doing this exhibition; it meant a lot to Evie. It was going to be a celebration of what Paul had left behind. Maybe this was his greatest legacy. Once she would have preferred to keep his other lives hidden from public view – now, she didn’t care. Kasia was more important than what people thought. She had become the glue that bound them all together. She had to make it through this, she just had to.