The Lunar World News Postgame Report
“This is Aziz Chang, here with Lunar World News’s newest member, Beastfire, formerly of the Touchdown Zone. It is such an honor having one of the most famous people on the moon by my side, the MVP of Ultrabowls IV and V, the spitfire, live wire, highflier, Beastfire. How you doin’, Beast?”
“I’m awesome, now that I’m working for LWN, the newest and already most watched source of news across the moon. I ain’t gonna hold no punches as I light up the straight dope on Ultraball. Beastfire goin’ haywire!”
“Excellent. Let’s get right down to the semifinals action. The North Pole Neutrons have advanced to their fifth straight Ultrabowl, after pounding the Cryptomare Molemen, 77–56. In a bizarre move, the Molemen made a surprise roster change just before the start of the game. Taking Wraith out of the lineup, they shifted Smuggler to quarterback, Cutter to rocketback 1, and inserted a rookie named Burial at rocketback 2. The moves drew huge skepticism from color commentators around the moon, speculating on the Molemen’s motives. The Underground Ultraball League has initiated a full investigation. Your thoughts, Beast?”
“That’s some screwy stuff, all right. Wraith sittin’ up in the Molemen’s coach’s box during the game, not speaking to anyone around her? She didn’t even make herself available for the mandatory postgame press conference. Even this dummy knows that ‘mandatory’ means you gotta do it. The question on everyone’s mind: What is she hidin’? She part of some crooked scheme, placing bets against her own team? Probbly. Don’t forget that she purposefully dropped her team from the third to the fourth seed, most likely because she had money ridin’ on it. She could be up to something even more illegaler than that.”
“She appeared to be limping, favoring her right arm as she left the stands after the game. Do you believe the rumors that she was injured and couldn’t play?”
“No frakkin’ way. Ultraball is war. Ain’t no thing as injured. Until that suit don’t close up around you no more, you play, no matter what. You’re in an indestructible suit, for frak’s sake! You go out and you frakkin’ play.”
“Excellent points, B-Fire. Meanwhile, in the other semifinal game, the Miners squeaked by the Beatdown, barely surviving a last-second scare to secure a 63–56 victory. Was it just me, or did the Miners look like a minor-league team?”
“They’s an embarrassment to Ultraball itself. It’s disgusting. TNT and Nitro are an explosive pair—not in a good way. What a frakkin’ mess. It ain’t even worth playin’ the Ultrabowl. It’s just gonna be sad to watch the Neutrons whoop the Miners’ bare butts.”
“The oddsmakers heavily favor the Neutrons in the Ultrabowl, assigning them a seventy-eight percent chance of taking home their fifth straight title. What do you think about that number—too high, too low?”
“Lower than a Dark Sider’s shadow. Don’t forget, Nitro ain’t got no playoff experience. Under the intense pressure of the moon’s biggest stage, I bet her fumbleitis comes right back.”
“Playoff experience. It’s that important?”
“Course it is! Any frakhead knows that. The jump from regular season to the playoffs is massive. Just look at Torch. That dude had been playin’ as incredulous as Nitro, back when he took his Flamethrowers all the way to Ultrabowl VI. But by throwing a fatal interception on the last play of the game, he demonstrated that rookies don’t belong in no Ultrabowl. He’s long been forgotten. Who knows where that sorry loser is now.”
“Some say that Nitro is destined to follow in her brother’s footsteps, the Torch’s Curse now hexing the Miners. Would you say there’s any truth to the Curse, Part II?”
“Frak yeah. The over/under for how many times she fumbles is set at 2.5. I say that’s way, way, waaaay too low. I’m so sure of that, I bet ten thousand U-bucks on it.”
“Ten thousand? Now, that’s putting your money where your mouth is. Speaking of betting, the total amount already wagered on the Ultrabowl is estimated to be seven hundred million U-dollars. The stakes have never been higher. Anything to add before we move to player interviews, B-Fire?”
“Gonna be a frakkin’ crap Ultrabowl. Miners gonna get theyselves pounded. May as well not even suit up.”
“There you have it, folks, you’ve heard it from the foremost Ultraball authority on the moon, the man blazing like a superstar supernova, the legendary two-time Ultrabowl MVP, Beastfire. The smart money—including B-Fire’s—is on the Neutrons to take home their fifth straight Ultrabowl title, and for their dynasty to continue indefinitely.”