The Lunar World News Report

SPACE EXPLOSION A HARMLESS NATURAL PHENOMENON

By Aziz Chang, Senior Grand High Executive Reporter

The giant “explosion” in space two days ago has been confirmed to be an enormous solar flare. An investigative team organized by Lunar World News, composed of experts from every different discipline, has given their conclusive report to the Council of Governors. “There is nothing to worry about,” said Kaylen Lin, the captain of the Blackguard, who chaired the special commission. “Solar flares of this magnitude are rare, but they aren’t harmful.”

Meanwhile, the Underground Ultraball League has also closed their investigation into the Miners’ Ultrabowl disqualification, the game pundits are now calling “The Strikeout Bowl.” While the Miners have been fined, given a formal warning, and will lose their franchise upon the next infraction, that was the extent of their penalty. Considering how egregious their action was—depriving tens of thousands of fans of an entire half of Ultrabowl action—many are calling for a second investigation.

The Miners are officially the only team to have been disqualified from an Ultrabowl—and twice in a row now. Raiden Zuna, owner of the five-time champion North Pole Neutrons, said, “The Miners are an embarrassment to the league. Taiko Colony has proven that it doesn’t deserve an Ultraball team. Frankly, I’d like to see the Miners moved to Guoming Colony. Don’t you think they’d look good in pink? ‘The Guoming Junkers’ has a nice ring to it.”

Although Mr. Zuna may have been joking about a move to Guoming Colony, there is no doubt that the moon backs Mr. Zuna in a serious way. Polls taken after the Ultrabowl show his approval rating at a record 94 percent, over 40 percent higher than any other colony governor.

The Miners were contacted for this story, but Strike only continued to tell his far-fetched tale of a nuclear bomb in outer space. Beastfire, a leading Ultraball authority and MVP of Ultrabowls IV and V, said, “Of course Strike is gonna try to cover up the cowardly way he made his team retreat. Bunch of frakkin’ crap he’s spewing. What moron is gonna believe that the Miners went up into outer space? No one is that crazy. Truth is that Strike got scared. He’s a gutless chicken. When the pressure is on, he crumbles. He couldn’t take the thought of a fifth straight loss to the dynasty that is the North Pole Neutrons, so he threw the game in a way that would seem so ridiculous that people would have to believe him. But none of us do. We all see through you, Strike. He’s a liar who’s gonna git what’s a-comin’ to him. End of story.”

Governor Katana of Taiko Colony, whose approval rating has plummeted to 13 percent, was not available for comment, as he is still under official investigation for potentially aiding and abetting the Miners in their egregious actions.