LunarSports Reports around the League

MINERS TROUNCED IN EMBARRASSING UPSET

By Aziz Chang, Executive Reporter

The Miners were demolished by the league’s perennial cellar dwellers, the Molemen, in what should have been an easy win. Strike failed, allowing himself to be surprised by the Molemen’s completely new roster of Dark Siders. Many have questioned whether Strike is still the right person to be the Miners’ general manager. After still not clearing his name in connection with several crimes—including throwing last year’s Ultrabowl in a crooked betting scheme—he would be wise to take appropriate actions.

Meanwhile, the North Pole Neutrons dominated the Tranquility Beatdown, annihilating them, 105–84. The Neutrons, unfazed by the two changes in their roster, are poised to take their unprecedented fifth Ultrabowl title in a row. White Lightning is even better at quarterback than Fusion, able to do what the old quarterback could do and much more—a shrewd, bold move by the team’s owner, Raiden Zuna. Additionally, the replacement of their former star rocketback, Chain Reaction, did not affect the Neutrons whatsoever. Meltdown stepped into the rocketback 1 role like a true hero, earning early consideration for league MVP. Raiden Zuna has the early edge for the General Manager of the Year award.

White Lightning and Meltdown are the new faces of the North Pole Neutrons, and the future of Neutron Nation looks stellar. Already with a commanding lead in the season tiebreaker of total points scored, the Neutrons continue to reign unparalleled as the top dogs of the Underground Ultraball League. Raiden Zuna has done something no other team owner has ever done: guided his team to a grand dynasty that may very well last forever.

In an exclusive interview with LunarSports Reports, Mr. Zuna commented on the win, the Neutrons’ outlook for the season, and more. “The North Pole Neutrons have never looked better,” he said. “This five-man roster outshines last year’s by a wide margin. No other team in the league stands a chance. The smart money—including mine—is on my Neutrons to win it all.”

When asked about the Molemen and their new roster, Mr. Zuna said, “It’s unbelievable that the Underground Ultraball League is doing nothing, not even investigating them, considering the destructive act of terrorism taken by the last Dark Sider to play Ultraball. So it’s up to me. I will be investigating every one of them, especially their quarterback, Wraith. And I doubt that yesterday’s theft of nuclear reactor components from North Pole Colony was a coincidence. I will exact vengeance on anyone who dares to threaten the safety of the United Moon Colonies.”

Rallies supporting Mr. Zuna’s calls for counterterrorism have taken place across the moon, in almost all twenty-one United Moon Colonies. According to the latest polls, 81 percent of citizens are calling Mr. Zuna a national hero for taking it upon himself to do what the Council of Governors will not.