I am indebted to the following people:
To my brilliant agent, Richard Pine, without whom none of this would have been possible. You believed in this book when I handed you a short essay about the unknown future, and I am forever indebted to you. To my extraordinary editor, Emily Cunningham, who saw what I hoped to do with this book so early and shepherded it into existence. Thank you for pushing my boundaries and working with me with such kindness, intelligence, and respect. To Jonathan Burnham at Harper, where this book was initially born, who generously gave the blessing to allow it to move with Emily to Penguin Press. To the entire team at Penguin Press for believing in this book and putting forth such effort to bring it to the public, especially the president and publisher, Ann Godoff and Scott Moyers. Thank you to the production editor, Tess Espinoza; to the cover designer, Darren Haggar; interior designer, Amanda Dewey; copyeditor, John Jusino; to my publicist, Juli Kiyan; and Matt Boyd and Grace Fisher, for their hard work in marketing this book to the public. To the entire team at InkWell Management, especially Eliza Rothstein, whose support and detailed attention leave me speechless.
An avalanche of gratitude goes out to the team of doctors and nurses and therapists who cared for my daughter and helped her recover, rehabilitate, and grow into a thriving, funny, active, confident, and bright girl. To Dr. Nareen Hindoyan, one of the kindest and most generous physicians caring for children today, and to the entire emergency department and NICCU at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. To the Regional Centers in Southern California and to the physical and occupational therapists who visited our home weekly, especially Dr. Cheryl Hubert and Birthe Stern Minnick. A special level of love for the kindhearted babysitters who not only helped us while we worked, but also gave openly with their hearts. To Elizabeth Dalla Betta and Elyse Fulton. You made A’s first years warm, comforted, and full of joy.
Thank you to the dozens of people who welcomed a conversation about uncertainty in medicine, and shared their own stories with me. To protect their privacy, I have not written their names in this book, but their words touched me, moved me, and transformed my vision of life.
To experts in the scientific, psychological, and theological worlds, especially Arash Moghimi, M.D.; Andy Hoffman; Imam Tauquer Shah; Rabbi Ed Feinstein; Ernest Katz, PhD; Avihay Kadosh, PhD; Patricia Krief, MD; Adrienne Hollander, MD; Alan Kaplan, MD; Craig Fox, PhD. Thank you also to Laura Splan; Prakash Venkataraman; Lori Uscher-Pines, PhD; and Audrey Reichman, PhD.
Thank you to several friends who never stop holding my hand. To Jen Nevas, Virginia Talley, Kaylyn Betts, Becky Wasserman, Dina Danon. To early readers and dear writer friends whose thoughts helped me put my own on paper, especially Emma Claire Sweeney, Harriet Levin Millan, Emily Bullock, and Jennifer Pooley. Thank you to the UCROSS Foundation, and Sarah Jagels and the St. Malo Beach House for the generous space and time to write. To Alejandra Ayalde for her beautiful friendship and expert support as we went to print.
Mostly, a book like this could not be written without the love and support of my family, “Abby’s” family, who have loved both of us throughout the process of this book and most important, her rehabilitation. Thank you to everyone related to A, who read and reread this book in advance as her advocate. To my mom and dad, Charles and Kathi Silver, whose constant support and love for A and for me are with us daily. Special thanks to my father, a man whose life is a treasure map of inspiration, and who was both brave and generous to open his narrative to me and all who read this book. To my mother-in-law, Etty, who was living a parallel experience of medical uncertainty while I was writing this. To my father-in-law, Mordechai, who I’ll always miss, who taught me so much about love and generosity and kindness. To my siblings, Arielle and Sasha, who are my extra limbs, and my nieces Leah and Ilana, who complete A’s world. To Yael, who is my catastrophic insurance, and to my nephew, Yossi, who is A’s surrogate big brother. And of course, to little L, the newest member of our family, who will change my life in ways I cannot know.
To Amir, with whom life is balanced and peaceful, for whom fatherhood has provided a revived sense of self. For such a private person to be so comfortable with the profound exposure of memoir is formidable. Thank you for supporting everything in this book from its inception, and for not once questioning the components that include you. I love you.
Mostly, for A. This book is for you. Every word in it is infused with my gratitude for your life.