I was lying in front of the door to the underground palace. I had returned to the cold black Realm of the Dead and the contrast it made with sun-drenched Umihebi Island was stark. It was just as Izanami had said it would be. And should she ask me if I were disappointed, I would have to answer that I was. Mahito’s fickleness and betrayal had left ice in my heart. I felt that the Realm of the Dead was a suitable place for me now.
‘Welcome home, Namima.’ Izanami pushed the door open and stood before me.
I pulled myself to my feet and bowed. ‘Thank you. Seeing the world of the living has calmed me, Izanami-sama. Thank you with all my heart for allowing me to go.’
‘Namima, that was a heartless thing to say!’ Izanami gave a bitter laugh. ‘Those who have seen the radiant beauty of life should find it a little more painful to return here.’
‘No, Izanami-sama. My experience has taught me a valuable lesson. You told me that it was better not to know what happens to the living after we die. I did not understand the wisdom of your words then. But now I do. I have been naïve. From now I will serve you with the utmost trust and sincerity. So, please, think well of me.’
Izanami nodded her approval. Then she opened wide the two outward-swinging doors into the underground palace. ‘Come in, please, Namima. I have a surprise for you.’
My head tilted to the side in curiosity, I followed Izanami along the corridor lined with the immense pillars. Ahead I saw a tall man dressed in white standing in the shadows. I halted. The prospect of looking at him was so disgusting to me that I could not make myself move any closer.
‘What is the matter, Namima?’ Izanami turned back to me. ‘It’s Mahito, isn’t it?’
‘Why is he here? Izanami-sama, did you bestow upon him one of your droplets of death?’ I prostrated myself at her feet.
‘What are you talking about?’ Izanami spoke softly. ‘You killed him.’
I raised my head in disbelief. When I was a wasp, I had stung him between the eyes. Had that caused his death? Now Kamikuu and the children were alone. What had I done? ‘Was it my sting, Izanami-sama?’
‘Yes. The poison of the sparrow wasp is powerful. Normally Mahito’s spirit would have been set adrift. But it seems he died with regrets so he is here in his living form.’ She retreated into her chamber.
Mahito looked as if he did not know what to do with himself. He gazed forlornly at the ceiling, which melted into the darkness.
‘Mahito.’
When he heard me call his name, he shifted his gaze in my direction. His face betrayed no emotion.
‘It’s Namima. Don’t you remember me?’
‘Namima?’ Mahito stared at me blankly and shook his head. ‘I feel I’ve heard the name before, but I can’t remember where. I’m sorry.’
He turned to stare in the other direction, a confused, forsaken look on his face.
‘I was your wife. I gave birth to your daughter aboard ship. We called her Yayoi. After that, you killed me. And I found myself here.’
How could he not remember me? His response had so shocked me my head began to reel, and it was all I could do to stop myself screaming at him.
But Mahito just shook his head again. ‘When was that? And you say I killed you? Are you sure? I don’t remember any of it. And, besides, Yayoi is my younger sister.’
‘No, she’s not. She’s our daughter – yours and mine. And I’m Kamikuu’s younger sister. I was the priestess of the darkness.’
Mahito did not register even the slightest remembrance. ‘Kamikuu is my wife, the priestess of light. But the priestess of the darkness was Nami-no-ue-sama.’
‘And Namima followed Nami-no-ue-sama. You came to see me often while I was in the Amiido.’
Mahito wasn’t listening to me now. ‘Where is this place? And why am I here by myself?’
‘This is the Realm of the Dead. And you’re here because you’re dead.’
‘I’m dead? But Kamikuu was praying for me. She was to make sure I came home safely.’
Mahito sank dejectedly upon one of the cold palace stones. He must have thought he had died while he was at sea, fishing. Struck by the futility of our exchange, I left the hall. I didn’t exist in Mahito’s memories. Did this mean my own memories of having loved him were now just adrift in space? It seemed reasonable that they would disappear along with my past. Did that mean I didn’t exist anywhere? That I never had? If so, there would be no point in begging him to forgive me for killing him. My spirits sank deep into the gloom of the underworld palace.
Wilful and proud, did I envy Izanami her task of selecting a thousand people each day to die? Was that why I had killed Mahito with my poisonous sting? How I had loved him, even after he had killed me. But Mahito – insubstantial spirit that he was – was himself still in love with Kamikuu. Separated from her now for all eternity – all that was left for him was to become an empty drifting spirit, never to be free of his earthly desires. Knowing this meant that peace for me, too, was impossible.
And now I knew of one other kind of emptiness. I had assumed that my bitterness and anger would evaporate as soon as I had killed Mahito. But once the spark of bitterness is lit, it is difficult to extinguish. Even with Mahito as dejected as he was, the flame of my bitterness still flickered. Did I have no choice but to suffer?
Izanami had said that humans were not gods. How then could she understand the torment of my feelings? I wandered purposelessly along the corridor until I found myself in front of the chamber into which Izanami had disappeared. The door was closed. Like Izanami’s heart.