Blogging was a step for me.
A vital step. A necessary step. Because every single breakup hurts. It feels like the end. It feels like game over. My divorce felt that way to me. But it turns out that when you actually sit down with people in committed relationships and ask them to go backward, they always paint the road as a series of game overs that always, always, always continued.
A few years ago I stumbled upon a fascinating study published in The Telegraph.
A team of researchers was trying to figure out just how rocky the royal road to romance is, so they found people in deeply committed relationships with life partners and worked backward through their personal histories to see just how many relationships and sexual experiences had led them to where they were right then.
(Sidenote: What a bizarre research study! “So who did you date before Frank? Joe? How long were you with Joe? Did you cheat on Joe? Any one-night stands between Joe and Frank?” And yes this assumes you’re dating the Hardy Boys.)
But it makes sense, right? Because everyone we kiss and everyone we date and everyone we sleep with shows us and grows us and teaches us and enlightens us and helps us continue down our lifelong journeys to understanding ourselves a little bit better and a little bit better and a little bit better until we ultimately become the richest, fullest, deepest versions of ourselves possible.
In that sense every single breakup has a purpose.
Every single breakup is a step.
Shall we get specific?
According to that study the average woman will kiss fifteen people, have seven sexual partners, four one-night stands, four disaster dates, three relationships that last less than a year, and two relationships that last more than a year, fall in love twice, be heartbroken twice, cheat once, and be cheated on once—all before she finds a lifelong partner.
Whew!
What about men?
Well, the average man will kiss sixteen people, have ten sexual partners, six one-night stands, four disaster dates, four relationships that last less than a year, and two relationships that last more than a year, fall in love twice, be heartbroken twice, cheat once, and be cheated on once—all before he finds a lifelong partner.
Does that sound like something you want to go through?
Me neither.
But in a way, isn’t it also relieving to hear?
Because it may help shine a light on the invisible steps ahead of you on the staircase you’re climbing on the way to the long-term, committed relationship you may desire.
I’m not saying it’s easy! When I was living alone it took me more than a year before I started going out on first dates again. And when I finally did I was completely crushed when somebody I felt a little connection with or who I shared a first kiss with didn’t text me back. I was fragile. I was heartbroken. The rejection destroyed me.
I became friends with a young gay guy who lived across the hall. He always had guys going in and out of his apartment. When I would tell him how shattered I was about someone not texting me back, he’d always have a huge smile pasted across his face and say the same thing: “NEXXXXT!” His words felt sharp, but maybe he was just better than I was at getting to the future faster.