Lion was at breakfast the next morning; he walked slowly and his eyes were tired. I asked him how he was feeling and he said he’d woken up with a bad headache but it was better now. When we all sat down at a table with our cereal and toast I said I wanted to talk about the hand. I started to explain what was in my mind, slowly. I took out the notes I’d made when I was building my hand prototype. But Carla and Lion and Nico weren’t paying attention—they were looking at the television. On the screen a woman was talking about Inquiry. She said there was going to be an announcement momentarily, and the clank of utensils and the clatter of trays went silent.
The screen cut to a man standing in front of an NSP research building, where my uncle’s lab used to be. He said the rescue mission wouldn’t be going forward. It was too risky to send another crew after Inquiry when there was no definitive proof the crew were still alive, and when there were serious unanswered questions about the integrity of the fuel cells that powered both Inquiry and Endurance. He went on, saying that after long and careful consideration NSP was suspending the Explorer program, effective immediately.
I felt a cold sweat on my palms and heard a low buzzing in my ears. All around us, kids were talking loudly.
Lion leaned forward on the bench. June? he said. June are you all right?
I nodded. My head felt oddly separate from my torso. Heavy and unwieldy. Like it was full of sand.
The rest of the day the hallways were oddly subdued. Our teachers gave us work to do at our desks instead of at the whiteboard. Kids showed up at class late or not at all. When I arrived at Materials lab no one from my group was there. I sat with a girl from the adhesive tape group and two boys who had been working on a flotation device. The girl read a book and the two boys played a computer game, and after a while I got out my math book and did equations.
The next day was strange too. Everyone seemed sad or annoyed, even the teachers and the women who served us our food. A few girls from my dormitory went home. Carla showed up late to Materials lab, and then she and Nico left early. The short time we were all at the table wasn’t the same. Carla, Lion, and Nico didn’t talk like they used to. Lion didn’t draw and Carla didn’t boss us around. Nico didn’t argue like he did before.
The next day in the yard I saw Carla walking with Netty and Brianne. They passed by the cafeteria and moved into the field.
I caught up to them. The temperature had dropped again and my boots crunched through ice-covered snow. Aren’t you supposed to be in physics? I asked Carla.
She shrugged and didn’t look me in the eye. Netty and Brianne walked ahead.
We’re going to watch the test launches, Carla said.
The other girls reached a wire fence and climbed over it. Carla hurried after them, and when she got to the fence she started to climb it too.
Can I come? I called after her.
The girls were already several paces away on the other side.
Can you get over the fence? Carla looked doubtful.
I wasn’t sure either. But I got over it easily. I hopped down.
We walked for a long time across a field deep with uneven drifts of snow. Our feet punched through to knee height in some places and hit the ground hard in others. The sun came out from behind the clouds for a minute and I blinked. Netty and Brianne were laughing about a boy I didn’t know, and Carla laughed too.
The sound of the rockets got louder as we walked and soon the air seemed to vibrate with noise. It wasn’t one sound now but a group of different sounds crashing against one another all at once.
We reached another fence. On the other side was more snowy field, but beyond that I could see a group of gray structures. I knew them well—one of them was my uncle’s old building. But the other girls stopped once we were over the fence. Netty pulled a blanket from her backpack and spread it on the snow. The sound was tremendous, as if the air itself were being cracked open, over and over. We sat down and looked up, our fingers in our ears. The rockets were so close it felt as if they might fall out of the sky and onto our heads. It was impossible to talk; we screamed a few things at one another and then gave up and just watched.
Then all at once, the sky emptied. A single rocket burned through the sky, its crackling roar fading like a lone firecracker. It was five o’clock, when the launches stopped for an hour. I hadn’t realized how much time had passed.
We’re late for Materials, I said to Carla.
Netty and Brianne got up from the blanket and started wandering toward the buildings in the distance.
Lion will be wondering where we are, I said. And Nico.
Carla got up from the blanket slowly. She watched the other girls move farther away. All right, let’s go, she said.
We walked back. The sky was big and blank above us. The crunch of our boots in the snow was loud.
I asked Carla about physics and about Candidate Group. Didn’t she want to move up anymore?
She walked stiffly, hugging her arms to her chest, and told me she’d failed her last physics test. I’m not going to be a Candidate, she said. I don’t think I want to be.
But the hand, I said. We could still win—
We won’t.
I wanted to say something to make her feel better, but I couldn’t think what. They’re going to change their minds about the Inquiry rescue mission, I said after a minute. When they find proof the crew are still alive.
You don’t understand. Her voice was sharp but her eyes were wet. I’m glad the mission was called off.
Why?
Because I don’t want Amelia to die June.
Ahead of us ice-coated snow reflected the blue-gray sky. Beyond that was the dark outline of our school buildings.
I’m not going to be a Candidate either, I said.
Maybe not this year. Only because you’re younger than everyone else. But you will next year.
We reached the dormitory and went inside. We took off our coats and gloves, rubbed our hands together.
I don’t want to be a Candidate if you aren’t, I said.
That’s stupid.
It’s how I feel.
Carla lay down on her bed and put her headphones on. It’s a stupid way to feel.