AFTER OUR EXIT from the 2011 WOMEN’S WORLD CUP IN Germany, I had two days at home with Mum and Dad before returning to Boston. I often rent my own house out when I am away from England and it’s nice to return home for some home comforts. But on this occasion, it is fair to say that I was miserable for the whole forty-eight hours. My mum tells me that she was walking on eggshells in her own house, unsure whether to talk to me or not.
The reality of the situation, the frustration of it all, sunk in slowly. I sat down and re-watched all of the 120 minutes and the penalty shoot-out of our quarter-final against France, just to allow myself some kind of closure. It wasn’t a happy thing to do but it was necessary.
I flew back to the USA at around the time of the semi-finals of the World Cup. When I got back I was given three or four days off by the Boston Breakers to get over the jet lag. My ankle injury would obviously take a lot longer than that. By the time I had recovered from the flight, it was time to watch the final.
Obviously there was massive hype in America that weekend as the USA were in it. The whole country was pretty much gripped by it. Everywhere you went, people were talking about it.
All the Boston players were given the weekend off, so Alex Scott and I were able to get out of the town and go and stay at one of the team owners’ houses by a lake. We met up with a few of our team-mates and watched the match at a bar nearby.
It felt weird, to say the least. Alex and I were sat there watching something happening miles away on a television screen and we knew that, had things been a little bit different, we could have been over there on that pitch.
I didn’t know which team to root for. Obviously the Americans were supporting their country, but deep down I wanted Japan to win, for what it would mean to them. Having said that, I was living and playing in the US so I was also cheering for them at the same time. We all knew that if the USA won, it would help the growth and development of the professional game there. But if Japan won it, what would that mean for women’s football in Asia and across the world? My heart had also been touched by Japan; they were the underdogs and they had played such good football during the tournament. There were also those terrible tragedies the country had endured.
The fact the final went to penalties felt both good and bad. It brought back painful memories, of course, but I could also now properly empathize with the losing team. It is still a cruel way to settle a final, though.
When the Breakers’ USA players returned to camp some days later, I was still dealing with my own disappointment, and obviously they were also now dealing with theirs.
Then Aya Sameshina, Japan’s left-back at the tournament and our team-mate at Boston, turned up with her Women’s World Cup gold medal. That broke the ice somewhat. I felt very happy for her. The American girls were really humble too – but what a situation for us all to be in! It was awkward and nice at the same time. I saw the medal but I couldn’t touch it. Aya hung it up in her locker. She was very proud of it. It was a case of ‘what might have been’ for the rest of us. I felt that very much.
The Women’s Professional Soccer league had been stopped mid-season to allow us all to play in the World Cup. On our return, I was obviously out of action due to my ankle. It was now that I started to fully realize how much damage I had done by ignoring the pain for so long. But hindsight is a wonderful thing, and it takes no account of adrenalin, emotion or occasion.
Nevertheless, playing on in that match did hinder my recovery. I didn’t play a full ninety minutes for Boston after the WPS league restarted. I managed just another forty-five minutes for them in all, which wasn’t ideal. My end-of-season statistics showed ten games played and nine games started, largely due to the injury I’d picked up in Germany. I pushed it to the absolute limit in that game against France. It kept me out of football for three months.
I missed the beginning of England’s Euro 2013 campaign too, which started with a very disappointing 2–2 draw – because we had led 2–0 – in Belgrade against lowly ranked Serbia. We let ourselves down in that one, and it may yet prove costly. I also missed the subsequent matches: a 4–0 win against Slovenia in Swindon and a goalless draw against Holland in Zwolle.
My international comeback eventually came at the end of November, at the Keepmoat Stadium in Doncaster, for the return fixture against Serbia. This time England won 2–0. I came on as a seventieth-minute substitute. It was good to be back on the field wearing an England shirt again but I still didn’t feel fully match fit, so to get the last twenty minutes in that one was a bonus.
It was a comfortable win for us but it was a little annoying that we only got two goals. After the disappointing result in Belgrade, we had been left playing catch-up behind Holland in our group, and with only one team qualifying automatically for the finals it’s crucial that we score as many goals as we possibly can against such teams. Four days after we drew with Serbia, Holland beat them 6–0 at home. We have since beaten Croatia by that very same scoreline. But we have made winning the group a lot harder for ourselves due to that slip-up in Belgrade.
Alex and I spent the rest of the year in early winter training at Arsenal. I would soon be back to full fitness. I was looking forward very much to my fourth season with Boston. It promised to be a good one. There were also some important Euro 2013 qualifiers coming up, and just around the corner there was the big one, the London Olympics.
But then, out of the blue, I received the devastating news that the 2012 WPS season had been suspended due to financial reasons. Suddenly I was without a club again. I received the news via an email. It was the second time that something like this had happened to me, the first being when the Women’s United Soccer Association league folded in 2003 while I was at Philadelphia Charge. I couldn’t believe it. It came as a total shock to me.
I didn’t speak to anybody in America about it. I just had this email sitting there from my head coach telling me what had happened, apologizing for it and explaining that, in the circumstances, it was felt that the best option was to suspend the league.
I have always felt that if a professional women’s football league is going to work anywhere in the world, it’s going to be the USA. But once again that no longer looked like being the case – at least not at the moment anyway. Admittedly, the fervour around the women’s game in the States had not been what it was in 1999 after the USA won the World Cup and it all went crazy over there, but it was still a very good product, with the best in the world playing out there.
I really couldn’t understand it. All I knew was that I had to find another club. But what were my options? I had such a big year ahead of me, culminating with the Olympic Games, so it was very important that I made the right decision. There was a fair amount of worry and a bit of a stress involved in making that correct decision, I can tell you.
There was an offer for me from FFC Frankfurt, in Germany. Birgit Prinz, their star player for so many seasons, had just announced her retirement. But the offer was not straightforward. Due to the transfer window in Germany, I would not have been able to play for Frankfurt until after the Olympics – not a good fit for me, then. I needed to be playing on a regular basis to put myself in the best position possible to be selected for the Euro qualifiers and the GB team.
Alex and I had been training with Arsenal Ladies in the off-season, before planning to go back to America, so when the WPS was suddenly suspended, conversations naturally developed there, in our own backyard. We were there and we were easily accessible. We were training with the team, we knew the girls well, and we were comfortable with the whole set-up. We had both had very successful years with the club too. So it would be an easy transition for us both to make.
In hindsight, with the connection I’d enjoyed with Arsenal for so many years, from being a fan as a young girl to playing for them for a number of years and winning the whole lot with them, I suppose the Gunners were always going to be one of the favourites to sign me if I could sort something out with them. Geographically it’s great for me too. I also fancied playing in the new Women’s Super League in England, particularly after hearing so much about it. So I agreed a season-long deal and joined them for the third time in my career.
I was to wear the number 23 shirt this time round. The number 6 means a lot to me, given my success at Seton Hall; the number 8 shirt is the one I always wanted to wear at Arsenal for obvious reasons, and I did that; and the number 10 shirt is the one I wore for Boston and, more importantly, the one I still wear for England. That has everything to do with the position you play at international level, of course, but I do love that number. It’s an attacking number. Pelé, Diego Maradona, Lionel Messi and Wayne Rooney all wore or wear number 10. Marta wears 10 too. I chose to wear number 23 at Arsenal because it was one of only a few numbers left.
My old boss, Vic Akers, played a big part in sorting out my move back to Arsenal for me. Although Laura Harvey is now the team coach, I didn’t really have too much contact with her during that whole process. There are contrasts between the two of them. Laura has a different coaching style and a different philosophy to Vic, but it still feels like the old Arsenal. I still see Vic at training anyway. He’s not really down there to watch our sessions, but he is still working at the training ground. He will come and watch us sometimes, and when he does he is always involved with all of the banter with the girls.
By the way, back in America, the WPS has now folded. Boston Breakers remain, for now, as a team. The club doesn’t want to lose the franchise and the big hope over there is to get a professional league back up and running sometime. That is the hope, but of course we will have to wait and see if it happens. With the problems that have occurred over the years, I think it’s understandable for me to feel that there may always be some kind of issue with women’s football at the highest professional level. Let’s just say that I don’t think things will ever run smoothly. It’s a shame, but that’s the way it seems to be.
Whatever happens, I won’t be over in America to see it. I have decided that my time in the States is over. I am going to be thirty-four years old in October 2012 and I plan to see my career out at Arsenal. I am content with that. My American journey has come to an end. I would have liked to have had another year out of it and to have seen out my contract with the Breakers, but I got to live in Boston for three years and I am grateful for that. I am also so glad that I went back out to the States and left there, in the end, with happy memories. I was quite fearful about going back in 2009 and having to face the demons I’d had when I was out there before.
For me to do all that had a lot to do with Alex being out there with me. She knew what I had been through and she was on hand to help me recognize a given situation if ever I began to slip into the wrong frame of mind. I also knew myself a lot better the second time round, and I knew all about the sort of support network I needed to have around me.
Thankfully, the second time around in America was nothing like the first time for me. It feels really good that I did go out there and that I saw it out. I ended my time there on a high. I am so pleased and so proud to have done that.
So, now I am an Arsenal player again. It is good to be back. How long it will last, who knows? I just want to enjoy the moment. I have certainly had thoughts about when would be a good time to end my playing career. It crossed my mind, briefly, immediately after the 2011 Women’s World Cup. But there is always a low period after being knocked out of a tournament, so I don’t dwell too much on that. London 2012 is obviously a big goal for me. Euro 2013 in Sweden would be a target too, should England qualify.
I honestly haven’t thought about anything after that. I would love to say that I could go on to play in the 2015 World Cup in Canada as well, but that’s a hard one for me to think about right now. I will be thirty-six years old by then, and as much as I would love to put myself forward for that, I appreciate that there are young players coming through who are champing at the bit to take my place. We’ll have to wait and see. A lot depends on how my body feels – this season, next season, and so on.
When the day does come to hang up my boots, I’m not sure what I will do next. I don’t know if coaching is for me. I have been told that I’m good at it. But finding the confidence to stand up in front of a group of people and coach them will not come easy.
Playing the game is what comes naturally to me. I have reached levels in my playing career where I knew I would be happy if I called it quits the next day. Coaching is an entirely different prospect. I would have to work at that a lot more. To be honest, I am a little bit scared that I wouldn’t be good enough to do it, and that’s where my lack of confidence kicks in again. But I guess it would be another challenge, and who is to say it won’t happen? I have started my level two coaching, so it’s definitely a possibility.
The other thing I would say is that I think there are many more opportunities for female coaches in America than in England, due to the college game and youth soccer. There are many more paid opportunities over there. In our country, I don’t see an easy route I could take, other than perhaps being involved in the England set-up somewhere along the line. But until I stop playing it’s hard to know how that could happen.