By the time I step out of the office, the sky has fallen. The winter storm has shuttered the entire District, and the snow is almost five inches high. It’s exactly the same gloom I feel after Kate’s visit. And absentmindedly, without checking the weather this morning, I left the house with only black tights and ballerina flats, so walking home is not an option.
I pull out my phone to call an Uber. Just as I expected, the rate has tripled because of the weather, and no one is taking my request. The street is empty in front of my office building. It’s almost ten p.m.
I spin in place, deciding which way to go, debating whether to brave this storm or cower in the office where it’s safe and comfortable. I almost laugh at this. Even the weather is playing with me. I zip my red coat all the way to my chin and pull the heavy faux-fur hoodie up to protect my head.
“Decide, Angelica, decide!” I fume under my breath.
My phone suddenly buzzes in my hand. Drew’s face flashes on my screen. With trembling hands, I almost drop the phone in the thick snow accumulating in front of me. I don’t answer, shoving my phone back in my purse. I start walking toward my apartment, anxiety taking its toll.
“What do you think you’re doing?” a voice shouts from behind me.
I freeze. It’s the voice that’s been inside my head for the past decade and all the more vividly in the past few weeks. I continue walking forward, ignoring him. “Gel, it’s freezing, and you’re not even wearing proper shoes.”
I stop.
Slowly, I turn around to face him. My heart warms at the sight of him. He looks fragile tonight. Vulnerable.
We are still a few feet apart, and yet I feel his heart on mine, putting weight on me, pinning me down. Suddenly, I can’t breathe. I put my hand over my chest and start rubbing it. I watch Drew follow my hand with his eyes.
“I still make you feel trapped?” he asks uncomfortably, his eyes glued to my hand attempting to appease my frantic heart, stepping forward and immediately retreating again. “I thought ten years was enough. But I see it wasn’t time you needed. It was to get away from me.” His voice breaks. He bends his head, shoulders sagging, before raising it again to hold my gaze.
The crack in his voice betrays his pain. I instinctively want to run to him, to comfort him. Instead, I stand frozen in place.
We stare at each other for what feels like forever. My tears gather in the corners of my eyes.
“I see that now,” he finally concedes before turning to walk away.
I suddenly feel cold inside, as if I am being torn to shreds. My heart has decided to double the tumble. With every step Drew takes, widening the distance between us, it hurts with a feeling so potent I can feel my heart breaking bit by bit.
Then I panic. For whatever it’s worth, we have to clear it all tonight and maybe, just maybe, we can both finally move on. And be truly free.
Free. If I hold onto this love and never fully live it, will I ever be free?
I take a step toward him, about ready to run.
“Drew!” He continues walking. “Drew, you scare me.” My hands ball into fists. “Loving you frightens me. I can’t be with anyone who has so much power over my heart. I can’t love anyone more than I love myself. I don’t want to be like Dad.”
He stops mid-step but doesn’t turn around. Suddenly, the snow starts to fall more heavily, blanketing the tops of our heads.
“I had to learn to stop compromising, because it’s all I ever did.” I let the tears fall down my cheeks this time, showing my true self, standing naked, baring my soul. “I promised the universe so many things that eventually hurt me because I wanted someone so badly—for Mom to stay, for Dad to work less, for you to stand next to me forever, for your family to accept me as their own. I kept telling myself that I was willing to give up something, anything, so I could have everything else. But, is that how I should live? Why do I need to compromise on things I deserve?”
“You don’t need to. Not with me. Never with me.”
“Kate—”
“We both know what you saw was nothing but a trick of the eye that you exploited to justify leaving, leaving me, breaking us. What compromise did you have to make for that?”
“I compromised myself—and I was done compromising.”
We let the snow fall, silence slicing between us. We hold each other’s gazes, the need to be accepted, heard, and understood palpable.
Finally, he closes the distance and moves swiftly toward me. I clasp my hands to stop the tremors.
“You will always have me,” he whispers. “You don’t need to lose anything, especially yourself, for my love. Gel, you’ve had my heart from the time we first met to this very moment. And I am willing to compromise, to give it all up just so I can love you again. For you to let me love you again. And if you don’t love me enough, I have all of mine for both of us.”
“Why?” I have to ask. I don’t understand why he loves me so. My mother clearly didn’t, and my father barely spoke to me. So why does he love me like this?
“You have to know who you are, Gel.”
“I don’t think I’m enough—for you, your family, your dreams …”
“Angelica, you are plenty enough. The past ten years have been a blur. I was just existing, and for the first time, at Christmas, you made me feel alive again.”
“Drew—”
“I love you more than my ambition. I love you more than my dreams. I love you more than anything in this world before, or now, and for years to come. You have to know that. I can’t go back to living without you. I love you. I love you so much it hurts not to see you smile or hold your hand or simply breathe the same air you’re breathing.”
“Drew.”
“I will do anything to make you want to be with me again, and I will wait until you’re ready to love me. It will be my life’s work to wait for you to love me again.”
Does a love like this truly exist?
“You’ve always had my heart. It’s in your hands right now. It’s the reason I tried to run away …” I stammer as I speak.
“Will you give me a chance again?” The pleading in his eyes pulls me in. I need to be brave this time around. I need to understand that loving Drew doesn’t mean loving myself less. In fact, letting myself love him again means I am finally winning.
Is it time to stand up to my demons and finally conquer my fears? Is it time to give my heart a reprieve, to let it run wild and free, to beat with joy—and though uncertainty is a given in this world, should I just embrace it and be happy? Truly happy. No questions. No buts. Just be.
“Yes.” I whisper into the wind. I see Drew’s surprised, happy face take this in.
“And spend the rest of our lives together, for real this time?”
“Yes,” I say.
Suddenly, the doors of a car parked a few feet from us fly open. I turn to see Nancy and Laceley and Cindy, and then there’s Bert, who is looking at me guiltily, excitedly getting out of the car.
“Give her Lola’s ring now, Drew!” Cindy screams, jumping up and down.
“Now!” Laceley echoes.
I look at Nancy’s expectant face close to tears, her hands over her mouth in nervous anticipation. I turn back to look at Drew, now on his knee deep in the snow, a small box in his hand.
“Angelica Patricia Mendoza, you are the reason I am on this earth. I believe that, and I’m not kidding. I can’t imagine my life without you in it again. With all my heart and my soul and all of me, which you own, I ask if you’d be willing to stand next to me, not just as my wife, but as my partner and my equal. Will you marry me tomorrow at noon?” And then he opens the box to show me Lola’s ring. But I snap it shut immediately. And everyone gasps. I pull him up to face me. Everything around us goes quiet, and everyone seems to be holding their breath.
“Drew. I don’t need to see the ring to decide. This is not a compromise to get the better diamond. I will marry you, with or without it.” A click in my heart, a clarity in my head, and just like that, I feel free. This time around, I feel confident in my response.
“Cindy, Kate said to take a photo as soon as she says yes,” Laceley cajoles her sister.
“But she hasn’t said yes yet,” Cindy protests, holding her iPhone steadily toward me and Drew.
“Angelica, sweetheart?” Nancy says, and I turn to her. Tears are streaming down her cheeks. “Will you take us all as your family? Because we truly, truly, want you in ours, anak.” A mother I yearned for and thought I never deserved. A father who speaks to me. And sisters who will forever be mine. And then, there’s Drew, who—and though for years I refused to admit this—is a big piece of my joy.
“Yes!” I burst into tears, and Drew reaches out to me and takes me in his arms, holding me so tightly, so strongly, I don’t think I’ll ever want to let go. “Yes. Yes, to you all.”
“No compromising,” Drew whispers in my ear. “We shouldn’t compromise for love. You’ll always have me, Gel, and as you can see, my entire family wants you in their lives just as much as I do. You are not just my number one. You’re my only one. My only love.”
“I deserve you,” I whisper close to his ear.
“You do. And more, my love. And more.”
The End