Epilogue

To Unmarried Christians

There is one body and one Spirit —just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call —one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

EPHESIANS 4:4-6

GOSPEL-SATURATED LIVING is possible for every believer, not just for those who are married, which is why we think it’s important to take a moment to speak to our unmarried brothers and sisters. According to the United States Census Bureau, in 2014, 107 million Americans who were eighteen and older were unmarried (45 percent of the population). Of these, 53 percent were women and 47 percent were men; 63 percent had never been married, 24 percent were divorced, and 13 percent were widowed. Of that 107 million, 18 million were age 65 or older.[49] To neglect the emotional, mental, physical, relational, and spiritual needs of such a substantial population is poor stewardship.

There is much that church leaders and Christian married couples can learn from unmarried brothers and sisters. Even the term unmarried is one example. Although technically those of you who are unmarried may be single, not all who are unmarried have never been married. Some of you may be divorced or widowed, either with or without children. We need to consider your needs. Every believer, regardless of marital status, has a story that needs to be appreciated, heard, and valued. We want you, our unmarried brothers and sisters, to feel embraced and understood.

Our Humble Approach

Before we jump in, we want to acknowledge a few limitations on our end. We married young —in our early twenties —and never lived on our own before we got married. With this in mind, neither of us is going to act as though we know what it means to live as a Christian who is divorced, never married, or widowed. We’ve been transparent throughout this entire book, so we’re not going to start frontin’ now.

Next, we want to express heartfelt appreciation to all our unmarried brothers and sisters who have spent countless hours sharing their stories with us over these past ten years as we’ve served as leaders in the local church. We have drunk deeply from your wells of wisdom and have gained a greater devotion to seeing the unmarried believer celebrated and included in the family of God, local church, and overall global mission. Although we can’t identify with your every struggle, we can empathize with you as believers who are being progressively sanctified daily. Our hearts are for you, and we desire the privilege of encouraging you in your faith as you engage in fighting the same worldly system as your married brothers and sisters in Christ.

We want these words to be read with an Ephesians 4:29 perspective —that our conversation with you would be a blessing to others. As we speak with you, our hope is that our married brothers and sisters are edified and given insight for action. We long to see the interpersonal relationships of the entire body of Christ improved as we come together to meet one another’s needs.

Unmarried brothers and sisters, first allow us grace to affirm your value! We view you as spiritual warriors in the army of God, equally colaboring on the front lines in the body of Christ’s spiritual war. The body needs your vantage point, voice, and vocation to reach the lost and produce disciples. We know you may have experienced wounds within the church, and we want to speak life to those wounds. We have a few goals: to acknowledge the giftedness of your status, provide a biblical framework for it, and challenge our Christian leaders (and married couples) in local churches to create spaces of communal inclusion for you.

You’re Not Second-Class Citizens

D. A.

We often hear unmarried believers of various ages express frustration about the lack of space for them in the local church. Many feel that the “singles ministry” in their church is like Youth Group 2.0 or College Group Part 2. The content of teaching lacks biblical and practical depth. Church events, sermon illustrations, and the overall rhythm of church life seem directed more toward married couples and families. Many of our unmarried brothers and sisters wrestle with thoughts of being second-class citizens in the Kingdom of God!

To all our unmarried family members, please know this couldn’t be further from the truth. We know from Scripture that God the Holy Spirit does not indwell married saints in a greater capacity than those who are unmarried. The gospel message does not declare that unmarried people receive a discounted payment for their sins.

On behalf of church leaders and married Christians on this side of eternity, we want to offer you a heartfelt apology. We apologize for not including you more; for pigeonholing you to volunteer in ministries you feel profile your unmarried status; and for assuming that since you’re not married, you have more than 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, and 365 days in a year to live on mission. These misunderstandings have created feelings of abandonment, isolation, and neglect, causing you to feel like stepchildren in the body of Christ.

We want to walk in repentance by loving you in word and deed. The greatest way we can express our love to you is by telling you that you are not second-class citizens in the Kingdom of God. Being unmarried does not remove your need for sound doctrine, quality shepherding, and opportunities to use your spiritual gifts to edify saints in your local churches. You are equal participants in the great commandment, great commission, and great commitment. Since there is equality for all saints in Christ (Galatians 3:28), we want to fight for equity in meeting your needs with the same passion and vigor as we do for all other saints in Christ’s body.

Consider also the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 and how he has much to say regarding your status being a gift and how you can steward this gift. In verse 7 Paul says, “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.” Paul admits in the next verse he was unmarried when he wrote this epistle.

Marriage is not a prerequisite for being used by God to edify your brothers and sisters in Christ, including those who are married. You have unique contributions to offer through your life experience, biblical knowledge, and ministry expertise in areas beyond babysitting or serving as youth workers or Sunday school teachers. The truth in Scripture you mine during your personal devotion time can, and should, strengthen the spiritual walks of all those sitting around the table you’ve been invited to. We pray that you receive more invitations to share meals with married couples and that when you do, you contribute the things that are simmering in your hearts.

Paul also said each person’s status is a gift. In this context, the word gift means God-given generosity to find contentment in sexual matters.[50] Although there are different statuses for the unmarried —divorced, never married, and widowed —Paul’s wording provides each unmarried person with the comfort and truth that God has given him or her grace for a specific season. This grace allows them not only to mature during this season of life but also to participate in communal life in the body of Christ.

Gleaning from Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, here are some benefits of this grace, which is available to all in Christ, married and unmarried alike: boasting in the work of Christ (1:28-30); holding other members in the body accountable (chapter 5); running from sexual immorality (6:12-20); walking in wisdom regarding Christian liberties (chapter 8); fleeing idolatry while doing all things in life for God’s glory (chapter 10); and participating in the Lord’s Supper (11:17-34). This grace also includes edifying the body of Christ through spiritual gifts (12:1-11); embodying the love of God (chapter 13); participating in orderly worship (14:26-40); defending the faith by proclaiming the gospel while walking in assurance because of the Resurrection (chapter 15); and helping those in need (16:1-4).

All of this to say, no matter your age or status, whether you’re loving the unmarried state or lonely because of it, God has not forsaken you. His grace for you will never run out. Married couples in the body of Christ need to be running alongside you (and you them) during this marathon of the faith we’re enduring together (Hebrews 12:1-2).

Now, before you assume all the things we’re saying are romantic and unrealistic, let’s consider what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9: “I say to those who aren’t married and to widows —it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust” (NLT).

Yeah, Paul just got real. Let’s not be so naive regarding the desire for sexual intimacy and pleasure while being unmarried. God created sexual intimacy as a gift, and it’s tough to abstain when you’re desiring sex. Sometimes you may be tempted and put yourself in a situation where your goal for the evening is to have sex, while other times someone has pursued you and you give in for a moment’s pleasure.

This is where authentic accountability and biblical counsel are necessary. Paul says it’s “better to marry than to burn with lust”; however, we know that marrying just to have sex is not healthy. Marriage is not the cure for lust, so getting married and assuming that your burning desire for sex will go away is unrealistic. This is why Paul makes the appeal regarding self-control. If an unmarried person is wrestling with lust but is able to remain pure, Paul says, stay unmarried in order to avoid “worldly troubles” (1 Corinthians 7:28). Paul unpacks what he means in verses 32-38: Married people face a different set of challenges, namely “family responsibilities,”[51] that may put limitations on living on mission.

In the same line of thinking, many unmarried people know such limitations because they, too, are blessed to have children. Their availability for going on mission trips, serving in multiple ministries, and fellowshiping a few nights a week should be regulated based on the needs of their children. After all, their children are their first ministry, not the programs their church offers.

We want to talk about one more misconception here: that the unmarried person has more time for ministry. Sure, unmarried people may not have spousal responsibilities and some may not be parents, but many are knee-deep in their careers, have hobbies, are involved in various forms of outreach, or leverage their time serving others. They can be just as strapped for time as married believers, often due to being involved in fellowship, school, or ministries in the church after they get off work. The best way to dispel this misunderstanding in the church is for the married and unmarried to spend time together, perhaps over meals, talking through commitments, brainstorming about how to offer mutual support, and fanning the flames of passion in areas of special interest.

Elicia and I have benefited greatly from our relationships with unmarried brothers and sisters. Some of the unmarried sisters in our local church lent us their expertise and wisdom when we were struggling with our son Duce’s speech delay. They had come over for dinner other times, but this time they schooled us during dessert.

Their counsel was comforting and timely, and we didn’t take it with a grain of salt simply because they’re not mothers! No —we affirmed their skill sets, education, and training and let them know we would follow their advice.

This is one simple way of affirming the unmarried: inviting them into community, allowing them to provide counsel and wisdom —and not pressuring them about getting married, asking why they’re still single, or trying to hook them up on blind dates. If the words of Paul express the unmarried status as a gift from God, where contentment and mission are tangible realities, we should echo this to our unmarried brothers and sisters.

If our unmarried brothers and sisters do indeed express a desire to be married, we must not automatically turn into matchmakers who seek to hook them up with every prospect we come across. We should affirm that their desire to be married is not sinful (1 Corinthians 7:9, 28) and at the same time ask them for grace, as married couples, to walk alongside them through the process of praying for a spouse as they remain pure until the Lord answers favorably. We should desire to protect the hearts of our unmarried brothers and sisters who long for marriage. Sometimes, infatuation and longing for the one can blind a person to the dangers others may see.

This is why gospel-saturated marriages are necessary in local churches: They provide those who desire to get married with a picture of two broken people who have both entrusted their hearts to God (through salvation in Jesus Christ) and each other while living in a broken world that keeps trying to break them apart.

A gospel-saturated marriage puts its blemishes on display so onlookers can see the present tense work of God. This will help the unmarried who desire marriage to not allow the idea of marriage to replace Jesus on the throne of their hearts.

Purity in Relationships

One struggle that unmarried brothers and sisters have shared with us is that few sermons speak directly to their reality. There are plenty of sermons, illustrations, and applications that deal with marriage and family, but application for unmarried people tends to be limited to general sweeping statements.

Therefore, we’re devoting a section to purity in relationships —not because we think unmarried people are the only believers called to purity but because we want to honor you by digging into what this looks like in your current situation. The complexities of how to remain pure while living in community with other believers is rarely, if ever, touched on by a full sermon. We typically receive five common questions from unmarried believers who desire marriage but want clarity on navigating through this tension.

1. How is an unmarried believer who desires to be married supposed to live?

We are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27), and this means that our desire to love someone of the opposite gender and have a committed relationship with him or her comes from God, and it is both natural and healthy. It is not wrong to desire to be married, just as it is not wrong to be unmarried and not desire marriage. In Scripture we see two common relationships between men and women: brothers and sisters (1 Timothy 5:1-2) and married couples (Ephesians 5:22-23).

We challenge our unmarried brothers and sisters to view God as their primary source of love, since He was the only one who demonstrated His love for us while we were unbelievers (John 3:16; Romans 5:8). Because God loves us perfectly, we should look to Him to fulfill the longings in our hearts. For some, this means trusting Him to supply the spouse He desires, in the timing He desires (Genesis 2:18, 24). As Proverbs 19:14 says, “House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.” For others, He gives a unique measure of grace and giftedness as He calls and designs them for singleness (Jeremiah 16:2; 1 Corinthians 7:7). In the body of Christ, we must respect God’s calling on each person and entrust the Lord to lead him or her as He desires.

All unmarried believers must strive to live on mission for His glory. Living on mission in community will provide the framework necessary for fellowship and holy living. Community will safeguard you from trying to walk in purity while in isolation. Isolation leads us toward condemning ourselves when we fall into sin rather than running to the cross and the community of faith for grace, hope, and spiritual restoration (Galatians 6:1-2).

2. How will I know if he or she is “the one”?

This is a much-debated question. Some people believe there’s no one person for any of us but rather a certain type of person. Others believe there is only one person for each individual. We encourage you not to focus on “the one” but instead to evaluate the character of a potential spouse. We’ve provided the following questions to help you:

These questions take time to answer. One key part of discerning someone’s character is spending time with him or her in community as well as one-on-one. Your family, local church leadership, and holistic discipleship team should be able to see how you and this person react to life situations in the moment: holiday gatherings, church functions, meals in homes with friends, and dates in public venues. You’ll be able to see the multifaceted vantage points of the person’s character while dealing with everyday life issues such as traffic, long admission lines, and relational conflict.

Over the course of time, the filters we humans put on our actions and words fall away because we become more comfortable around others. It’s during these times that those close to you need to assess both you and the person you may marry. Your close community will know if you’re being superficial or genuine, and they’ll be able to see how your potential partner treats you in light of your actions.

Your church leadership and holistic discipleship team are there to help you pump the brakes before you rush into marriage or to help you realize that you are ready to enter into the covenant of marriage.

3. How will I know it’s the right time for marriage?

This subjective question is regularly met with a diversity of answers: “No one is ever ready”; “Wait until after you get your degree”; “Wait until you’re five years into your career.” Discerning the right timing is really discerning the will of God (which we’ll discuss in the next section), and this is best done in community with your local pastor (or church leadership) and holistic discipleship team. However, we do want to provide a suggested framework for discerning where you are in your relationship. When we’ve provided counsel to unmarried couples, we’ve asked them to identify where they are in their relationship and where they desire to go. Here are the five stages of relationship:

Without labels in relationships, there is ambiguity, and people’s hearts get broken too easily. Now, demanding a label for the sake of security can be just as damaging; being too aggressive may come off as needy and desperate. In light of this, we suggest seeking a label if exclusive time together on the phone (including texting) and going out is becoming normal. If there are emotional investments being made (e.g., purchasing sentimental gifts, daily communication, scheduled dates), it’s time to label what you have and then discuss if you should pursue a future pathway (maintaining the wise counsel of church leadership and your holistic discipleship team).

4. What is an acceptable sex life for the unmarried believer?

Every believer, regardless of his or her status, is called to live a life of sexual purity. As we talked about earlier in this book, we are all to pursue purity both before and after marriage.

Sex is a beautiful gift from God to humanity. The framework in which God desires this gift to be enjoyed is within the boundaries of marriage between one man and one woman. We fully understand that many may disagree with us; however, this is our biblical conviction. Stating this creates space for us to hold our ground while respecting those who disagree with us and desiring to engage in continued conversation with them.

Regarding the question of an acceptable sex life for the unmarried believer, we must say that all sexual activity outside of marriage, as God defines it, is sinful. In 1 Corinthians 6:18, Paul instructs believers to “flee from sexual immorality.” The Greek word Paul uses for “sexual immorality” is porneia, which can include any sexual activity outside of the framework God has set. Sexual immorality of every kind is condemned in Scripture;[52] it’s never accepted, championed, or overlooked.

The word Paul uses to describe sexual relations was often used to describe the lighting of a fire.[53] The boundaries for abstinence for the unmarried are similar to those in place for a fire in a fireplace. If someone wants to start a fire, the flue must be opened and the logs and kindling must be set; however, without a spark or flame, the fire won’t burn. When the fire is ignited, it burns beautifully, providing warmth and light. As long as the fire remains in the fireplace, it’s fulfilling its intended purpose. If it gets outside of its boundaries, it destroys everything in its path until it has either burned out or is put out.

In a similar way, the God-given boundary for sex (fire) is marriage (the fireplace). Since humans are sexual beings, we already have every component necessary for a fire, but outside of marriage we’re not within the fireplace. If we put ourselves in a position where we allow another person to light our fire outside of marriage, holistic danger —emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual —may result. The potential destruction includes emotional baggage, mental stress, a loss of purity, and possible physical issues ranging from disease to pregnancy.

This is why Paul says that abstaining from sexual immorality is the best safeguard. Like us, he lived in a sexually charged world, and yet he still provided this counsel. It is possible for any unmarried Christian, regardless of age, to keep this command. “Possible” doesn’t mean easy, though, which is why it’s necessary to walk in community with other believers who can hold you accountable (and vice versa).

5. How do I move forward from the guilt of my past sins?

The gospel speaks to all our sin, including sexual sin. If we have embraced Christ as our Savior, He’s provided forgiveness for our sins and bought us out of slavery (Ephesians 1:7, Romans 6:6), and we no longer have to obey our sinful desires (Romans 6:1-14). It’s crucial for those who’ve had a sexually sinful past to not feel as if they’re damaged goods, unworthy to be loved, or second-class citizens in the Kingdom of God.

When it comes to the sinful choices of your past, you can move forward just as every other believer can. These four Cs can remind you of your positional reality in Christ:

Remember, the gospel-saturated life empowers every believer to apply the gospel to all areas of life, including sexual encounters. Condemnation comes from only one source: the enemy of your soul (Romans 8:1). If you follow Christ, you are walking in forgiveness. As you walk forward in sexual purity and forgiveness, God will use any mess in your past as a message of comfort to your brothers and sisters who are struggling in their fight for purity (2 Corinthians 1:3-7; Galatians 6:1-2).

We encourage you to critically think through how you’ll fight for purity in your thoughts, relationships, potential engagement, and marriage. Be proactive in doing so! Ask yourself questions regarding your thought life (What will I allow and not allow my mind to dwell on?), dating (What are my standards for investments of time in a relationship that may not lead to courting or engagement?), engagement (What are the sexual standards we will live out before we take our vows?), and marriage (How will my spouse and I pursue purity for the remainder of our lives?). Develop a biblical philosophy for each of the areas and share them with those you’re in discipleship relationships with.

We Are the Church

Many unmarried believers have experienced seasons of isolation and loneliness, and our hearts grieve with theirs. It’s imperative for the local church to create space for our unmarried brothers and sisters. We can do so by inviting them to live life with us outside of church functions; walking in gender-specific meaningful discipleship relationships together; and considering their differing needs based on age. (Unmarried believers in their twenties have different sets of needs than those in their forties —but you can’t seek to meet the needs of unmarried believers you’ve never taken the time to meet and get to know.)

Married believers must also fight off the urge to show pity by attempting to hook up unmarried believers. We must refrain from doing this especially if we do not have a meaningful relationship with them or their permission!

The entire church must affirm the value of our unmarried brothers and sisters, and those who are married can do this by engaging with them in regular gospel-saturated conversations. We’re all fighting off the same worldly system together, and we as the body of Christ must be unified. When one is hurting or doubting their value, may we rush to them and remind them of their identity in Christ. As we do this, we’re empowering them to walk with us as we pursue purity in our relationships. We’re all equal citizens in the Kingdom of God —a family —and we must begin to embody this reality as a testimony to the watching world.