CASEY “KITTY” WIENER
I CATCH TRISH AND Eddie’s eyes as I slowly walk toward Jordan. I quickly look away. They know my secret and I hope to God they never tell another soul. I am taking the steps, although I don’t know how. I know this isn’t what I want, but it’s what I have to do. It’s what I promised to do when I said yes to the engagement. Add to that, I may very well be pregnant. There is no choice here. I am an adult and I need to do what adults do; keep promises. Besides, it’s not like I can run away when my dad’s arm is intertwined with mine, pulling me toward exactly where I’m heading. Jordan and I may never be in love like Trish and Eddie, but we’ll be a family. We’ll be good parents. After all, Jordan likes to put on a good show. Maybe having kids will soften him again. Maybe having a child will make him look at me differently; as if I’m worthy of his attention. As if I matter to him at all.
The eyes of our guests won’t leave me. If only I could find the guts to turn around and look them in the eyes and tell them all how I really feel. Tell them I feel trapped. Tell them that I’m not sure this is what I want. Tell them I need more time. Instead, I keep walking forward, allowing my dad to walk by my side. When we reach Jordan, my dad turns and lightly kisses my forehead. He’s never done that in my life and it feels weird. We’re not a family who hugs or shows any affection at all. He is quickly gone, marching back to his seat in the front row of white chairs with my mother. I watch as they turn to each other and smile as if this is the greatest day of their lives. I can’t help but wonder if they felt this giddy on their own wedding day.
I am standing alone with Jordan and the Priest. We don’t have any bridesmaids or groomsman. It is just the two of us, standing before our invited guests.
I feel like I’m floating above my body. I’m not in it. I can’t be or this wouldn’t be happening. I would stop it. I would say something. Of course I would! Instead I’m outside of my body, watching it take me through the motions with a fake smile plastered on my face. My makeup is merely war paint; a mask to hide behind in front of the crowd. How can I stand here watching myself and be so powerless? I realize I am standing alone, with Jordan and the Priest, in front of our family and friends. I try to focus on the bright sunshine that is feeding our skin with Vitamin D. I try to focus on its warmth. But it isn’t enough to bring me back to my body. I’m still watching; still an outsider somehow. Will it be this way forever?
I hear the Priest saying something in the background but the words are all jumbled. Nothing makes sense to my ears. I cannot comprehend any of it. “We’ve written our own vows.” I hear Jordan say. And then he begins. But instead of talking to me, he turns to talk to the crowd. I told you he is good at putting on shows. Why isn’t he saying the vows to me? Why is he talking as if I’m not even here? “When I met Casey” he clears he throat, “I knew she was someone special. We met when we were still in college. She was feeding the ducks at the pond and I was running by. Our paths happened to intersect and well, the rest they say is history.” The crowd chuckles. I want to roll my eyes, but apparently I’m not in control of my movements anymore. He goes on to say the rest is history. We are that history, our lives are that history. Panic continues to rise inside of me and I wonder how I’m not passed out cold on the ground. I don’t know how I am doing this. All the while, I’m looking at Jordan’s clean shaven face and appearing as if I’m madly in love. At least I think I’m appearing that way. The crowd “ooh’s” and “aw’s” at all the right moments during his vows- or speech, whatever it is. I miss half of what he’s said because I’m so busy trying to figure out how to re-inhabit my body. He catches my attention again when he turns to face me. “Kitty” he calls me. Kitty? He’s never called me that, ever. Where is this coming from? Maybe it’s a nightmare. Maybe I’ll wake up and realize none of this is real. I reach to pinch my left arm, hard. It stings. It’s real. This is real. Ohmygosh, this is real. And now I’ve missed more of what he’s said. All I know is that he’s calling me Kitty and that’s not my name. I thought I was only changing one name today, and that was bad enough.
A moment later, after more jumbles of words I hear the crowd let out a collective murmur of laughter. I think they are laughing at me. I think it’s my turn to speak. I feel light headed. How can I be outside of my body, watching myself, yet feel so much? I can see the figure of the Priest in his black robe, but his face is a blur. Jordan is holding onto both of my hands as we face each other. I try to focus on his fingers. Something to steady myself. I feel wobbly even though I am standing on bare feet. “Casey Kitty” he whispers. We catch each other’s eyes. I crumple my brow. Casey Kitty? Really? And then I realize, I crumped my brow- I have some sense of control again! I smile at the realization and then know that Jordan thinks I’m smiling at him. He’s waiting for me to recite my vows. Our invited guests are waiting. Everyone is waiting on me. Everyone’s eyes are on me. I’m a princess for a day and they’re eagerly waiting for me to speak. I don’t remember writing my vows. I don’t have a piece of paper with me. I glance at the palms of my hands, no notes or hints there either. What do I say? I open my mouth to speak, but sound doesn’t seem to follow. The guests are quiet. The only sounds I can hear are a few birds chirping from the mature oak trees standing a few feet behind us and the nasally breath of the Priest. He sounds like he is getting over a cold. “Jordan” I finally say in a voice barely above a whisper. He nods, encouraging me to continue. His face is slightly red and I know I am embarrassing him. “Jordan, I don’t know what I did with my vows. I forgot to bring them down the aisle with me. I guess it was the nerves.” I pause as everyone politely laughs. “But I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me what to say today. What I want to say is-“ I pause, cautious of my next words as I realize the impact they will have on my future. “I love you Jordan. Fate brought us together at the duck pond all those years ago and love has kept us together since that time. I’m relying on love to carry us into our future, too. I’m relying on our love to last. Because today I’m making a promise to you, to be your wife, your spouse. Through good times and bad. I am yours and you are mine.” How am I saying these words? Where are they coming from? I gulp, holding back tears, but not for the reasons everyone thinks I am. I glance out to the crowd and catch Trish’s eyes. My heart sinks. If only I could have been braver. If only I could have spoken the truth. But I’ve said what I’ve said. It’s out there now. And in a moment we will seal the deal, forever.
The Priest recites his words and Jordan says “I do.” I follow suit, “I do.” I don’t move a muscle. Jordan is still holding both of my hands. Another collective “aw” rumbles through the guests.
“You may now kiss your bride.” I hear the Priest announce with his nasally voice.
Jordan leans down to kiss me. His lips touch mine softly, briefly and then he pulls away. We are married. I am Mrs. Casey “Kitty” Wiener. My kindergarten students will call me Mrs. Wiener for the rest of time. Goodbye Casey Jane. I silently say goodbye to my old self, although I realize I haven’t known that girl in a long time. Before the night is over, everyone is calling me Kitty. I don’t know how the nickname stuck, but I suppose it’s better than being called Mrs. Wiener.