KITTY
“I’M SERIOUS.” I say as Jordan laughs in my face. “I want a divorce. And I want you to move out as soon as possible.” How can he think this is a joke? How can he not want the same? I plan to move out of this giant home, too. I don’t want to live next door to my parents and I don’t want to live in a home they’ve paid for. I’m sure they’ll want me out as soon as they hear that Jordan and I are done anyway. They haven’t exactly been pleasant to me since I lost the baby. They hate when I throw off their perfect plan. I can only imagine what they’ll say when I tell them I’m leaving Jordan and no one will be living in this massive house. I don’t care anymore though. I can’t live my life for Jordan or for my parents or for anyone else for that matter. I want to live it for me.
“You’ll never find anyone as good as me.” Jordan spats back, becoming defensive after I insist that I am serious.
I answer with silence.
“Why would you want to leave me? What have I done to you that is so horrible?”
I can’t possibly sum up the wrongness of our relationship in just a few words, so I don’t. Instead I answer him with this: “We’re just not good together, Jordan. I want us to both be happy and we can’t be happy if we’re together. We’re at each other’s throats all of the time. This is no way to live. I want more than this. I want to be happy. I want to laugh. I want to have a life with someone instead of this, whatever this is…” I let my voice trail. I mean every word of what I’ve just said. Maybe it hurts him to hear those words, but I don’t care anymore. I just can’t care. I have to get it off my chest, although I am careful to say it all in the nicest way possible. I’m not divorcing him to hurt him; I’m divorcing him so that we can both breathe again. So that we can both live our lives in a better way. It only seems fair. I’ve been so bitter about losing the baby that I couldn’t think straight for a while. But for the first time since that horrible moment, a moment I will never forget, a loss I will never stop mourning, I feel a sense of peace. And peace for me, now, simply means a path to happiness. I see a path to happiness and it’s not perfect, but I know it’s what we both need. We’re not good together and we never will be. I believe there’s a better life out there for us both. I don’t care if I end up living alone for the rest of my life, I’m okay with that. I would rather take the risk of being alone than stay in a loveless marriage.
Jordan and I talk for more than two hours. It’s the longest conversation we’ve had in years; certainly the longest we’ve had as a married couple. When the conversation comes to a close we hug, and that to feels foreign to me. We are ending one chapter and moving onto the next, separately. I think now we both know it’s for the best. Jordan says he’ll pack his things and be out by the end of the week. We decide that we’ll go through the house together, tomorrow, to separate our things; the joint things that really belong to us together. You don’t realize how many things you collect over the course of a relationship. Pots and pans, bedspreads and blankets, televisions- all of those material things that make a house look like a home when in reality the only thing that can really do that is something we never had, something that you can’t buy; love.
I DECIDE TO HEAD outside for a walk alone after Jordan and I finish talking, or rather, finish agreeing on a divorce. I find it almost funny that it’s been our longest and best conversation since saying I do. At first I just walk a lap around the block. It is less than a quarter of a mile. When I return I’m not ready to head back inside. The house is too stuffy and I would rather be outside in the fresh air with the sunshine warming my face and hands. I take another lap around the block but still it is not enough to leave me wanting to go back inside the house that has been our hollow home. I walk past our house again but this time instead of going around the block I head down the street in the opposite direction and just walk. I have no idea where I’m going now and that’s okay with me. I don’t need to have a plan right now. I just know I need to breathe the fresh air. I need to feel the sunshine. As I walk I study the houses, houses I’ve never really bothered to look at before because I’ve always been in a rush to get to work or fighting with Jordan in the car. But now when I look at the houses, I realize how beautiful each one is. Some are brick. Others are log homes. Some are old. Some are new. They are all different and that is part of their allure. Eventually I find myself near the school. I wander over to the duck pond that sits less than a mile away from where I work. The pond is full of ducks and geese, and like the houses I’ve walked past, the ducks vary in color and size. Their quacks seem to call me toward them and I obey. I begin walking the perimeter of the pond and watching the ducks swim around in the center. To my right a set of parents kneel on the ground with their small child who can’t be more than two or three year’s old, tossing pieces of bread to the flocks of hungry geese. The child squeals with delight and I can’t help but wonder what our child would have looked like. I continue to walk and turn my attention to the ducks swimming in the pond rather than to the child feeding the ducks on land. I came outside to walk and clear my mind, not to rehash the past or the what-could-have-beens. I turn the corner and see a man about my age walking a small dog. He has blond hair and blue eyes and his dog is trotting at his side without a leash. The dog looks up at his guardian from time to time as the two continue to walk in my direction. As we cross paths I can’t help but feel a sense of familiarity, but then I shake my head and know that that’s ridiculous. I don’t know this man and he doesn’t know me. We lock eyes for a moment and both politely nod and say hello. And then, for whatever reason I ask if I can pet his dog.
“Sure.” He smiles and his blue eyes draw me in.
With his approval I bend down and reach my hand out for the dog to sniff.
“His name is Lucky.” I hear the man say above me. The dog begins licking my hand and so I pet him, watching his eyes light up and his tail wag swiftly back and forth.
“He’s sweet.” I say.
When I stand back up the man tells me that he found the dog a while back as a stray and they’ve been buddies ever since. I smile and tell him to have a nice day as I start to walk forward again.
“I’m Travis.” He suddenly offers and I turn to meet his eyes.
“Travis.” I repeat his name. “I’m K-“ I almost introduce myself as Kitty, I’ve become so used to it. But then I correct myself. “I’m Casey.” We stand in silence for a beat after that, oddly it doesn’t feel awkward. We hold each other’s gaze a bit longer and then I laugh as the dog licks my leg and wags his tail. I say good-bye and we both walk our separate ways. As I draw in a breath of fresh air I am suddenly filled with the realization that everything will be okay. I am certain of it. I don’t know how or why. I just know. And that is all I need.