I had not seen Gwen since we parted ways not long after her arrival. The infirmary was darkened with the door closed when I passed by on my way to retire for the night. I must admit I walked a little slower than usual as I passed by the door to her chambers. Not a sound could be heard from within and no light illuminated the cracks around the door. I do not know why I thought she would still be up at such a late hour, especially after her long journey here.
I nodded to the guard as I entered my family’s suite. It was my habit to check in on Mother before retiring each night, and I always dreaded it. It was depressing to see her health declining daily. I was not sure if it was the thought of what she had done or if missing him that bothered her the most. It probably did not matter since the end results were the same.
The door to Mother’s bedchamber was open as usual, and the glow of a single candle emitted from the room. Even before I entered I could see that Mother was turned away from the entrance, most likely asleep.
I was surprised when Gwen was the one to rise from the chair just inside, giving me a deep curtsy. “Your Grace.”
I imagined her whisper was for the sake of not waking Mother, but her stiff manner was disconcerting.
I lifted her candle from the small side table and motioned for her to follow. I made my way to my family’s private dining table where I placed the candle and sat down at the very end, indicating for her to sit in the chair angled across from me.
“I can only guess from your proper manner and address that Arlana has paid you a visit. I want you to know that I do not like it. I have enough people bowing down to me as it is.”
She let out a slow breath and her shoulders dropped. “Arlana is right. I have not treated you with the respect that is your due since I arrived. I had gotten too comfortable with you while you were in Aisling. It was necessary then since you were posing as my cousin, but you are in the position of ruler here. It is important that I treat you as such.”
I covered her hand that rested on the table with my own. “Gwen, what I need most right now is a friend. Do you understand what this has been like for me? I had not even been allowed time to absorb what has happened to my family before this job was unexpectedly thrust upon me. All of the responsibility of family and kingdom is on my shoulders. I do not mean to burden you with my cares. I just need someone I can talk to as an equal, someone who does not look to me for the answers. Can you do that for me?”
She pulled her hand from mine and looked down at the table thoughtfully. I felt sure my proposal was about to be rejected. This would set me back in my pursuit of building a relationship with her, but I would find my way around it somehow.
“It has been an unusual experience for someone in my position to have a princess and then a queen as a best friend. Brianna had needed a close friend, but it was also important for her to maintain the respect of her people. With the help of her father, we came to a solution. I show her all of the respect due a queen, but in private, all pretenses are dropped. I would be willing to do the same for you if it would help.”
I let out a long breath. “See, this balance is what I need. Right now it is all about running this kingdom with no more time for a private life. It does not help that I have no idea what I am doing. There was no time wasted during my youth on my training since no one ever expected me to be in this position. Arlana would like for me to rule with an iron fist like my father, but that is just not my style.”
“What about your advisors? Things may be different here in Gilvary, but I would think they would have more say in how you should rule than your stewardess.”
She probably had not expected my laughter. “One of the first things I did when I got back to Gilvary was to rid the castle of anyone I felt I could not trust. I dismissed all of Father’s advisors, the healer, even some of the servants and guards. Brianna had advised against it, but I was determined.
“In hindsight, I probably should have done things differently. As much as Arlana rubs the wrong way, she is the only one left with an inkling of how things should be done here. Judging by the way she pushes against my every wish, I am sure she feels secure in her position. She knows I cannot afford to eliminate her as well.”
“So, why have you not replaced the advisors?”
“I had thought to leave the positions open so Mother could hire whomever she wanted once she regains her health.”
“I see. Well, I guess it is good that you do still have Arlana. She certainly seems to have your best interest at heart.”
Gwen was usually honest with her words, but you could never tell from her expression what she might be thinking. “What exactly did she say to you?”
“You should be concerned with how I treated her. You know my father is the steward at Aisling. I would never want someone showing him such disrespect. In fact, I hate to admit I have managed to alienate at least two of your people in the short time I have been here. You can add Edina to the list of people I probably should apologize to.”
“Edina has always been a bit of a grouch. You should not allow her to bother you. But it does bring a question to mind. Why are you here with Mother tonight? Do not get me wrong. I am extremely pleased to find you here, but Nora is usually with her at this time. Where is she?”
“I came in to give her a break. She will be back at midnight. Reagan, I know you have had a lot on you, but you have only two people looking after your mother. I was told they have been working in twelve hour shifts every single day since she became ill. I know there is a limit on those you can trust, but I would like to add myself and Clare to the list of people caring for her.”
I propped my elbow on the table, resting my head in my hand. Mother would fuss if she was sitting here, but I felt so exhausted in this moment. Here was another ball I had allowed to drop. I had hurriedly set these two women in charge of my mother’s care at the beginning with plans to give them more help, but in the rush of all the responsibilities that had been dropped into my lap, I had forgotten about them.
I made a promise to come up with more people to aid in my mother’s care. We talked about Gwen’s plan for improving her health. She had started telling me about her trip to Gilvary when Nora came in to resume her position, sending us in opposite directions.
Most of what we had said to each other that night was small, insignificant nothingness but it had been a balm to my soul. Since Garrett had married and left for Aisling, I had been left without a true friend in this kingdom. Even when we were discussing the business of Mother’s care, it had been different. Gwen had spoken to me more as an equal, and I had not been lying when I said I needed a friend most of all.
I had been very tempted to tell Arlana to back off the next time I saw her, but I had a feeling Gwen could take care of herself. Besides, Arlana had a way of agreeing to my face while orchestrating things behind my back to suit her own desires. I should have sent her packing along with Father’s advisors, but she was family after all.
Most people found it surprising that the formidable King Coman of Gilvary would hire a woman to look after the affairs of his castle. Most were not aware that she was his cousin and had aided in making the connection between him and my grandparents, securing a marriage to my mother. Knowing Arlana, it was amazing that she had not propagated this information all around the kingdom.
I did not see Gwen again until Sunday. We still did not have anyone to preach the word, but I had sent out a call for musicians willing to play hymns in a weekly gathering in the chapel. To my memory, we had never had music at services before. In all honesty, our former vicar’s sermons had been a bit dry and rather boring. I had still not heard back from the parson in Aisling about a replacement, but I was hopeful for someone better.
I scanned the chapel as I entered from the back. Attendance was already more than double for these weekly meetings from what I had ever known it to be before. Gwen was sitting at the back next to Clare. She smiled when we made eye contact but then went right back to talking to her apprentice. I would have loved to sit with her, but I doubted that would comply with her plan for our public relationship. Besides, Terence was already sitting up front in the family pew, waving me forward. I had to smile at his childlike enthusiasm.
Our parents had never required us to attend services. Garrett and I had only started attending in the last year. Once I took over the responsibilities of looking after my brothers, I had insisted on them showing up even though it was only music at this point. Terence had gladly joined me and seemed to really enjoy himself.
Rian was a different matter. Most times he refused to come, even with the threat of punishment. A quick scan of the room revealed his absence yet again. Sometimes I felt like giving up and allowing him to do whatever he wanted. Then I would remind myself that he was too young for me to lose hope, and he had been through too much. I said a prayer for God’s help with the situation once again as I sat next to Terence.
Every Sunday since these meetings began more musicians had been added. For some reason it was always amazed me when one of the chambermaids or even one of our warriors got up and sang in a perfect pitch. For an hour each week I had been able to forget all of my troubles and just lose myself in the soul-reaching music, but there still seemed the need for something more. I needed to hear the word of God, and I looked forward to the day a parson could be found.
I was disappointed to find that Gwen was nowhere to be seen by the time we made our way out of the chapel and back to the family suite. Another rule I had made up for my family was that we would eat together after Sunday services in our private dining chamber. Rian was already there when we arrived and had started without us.
Glynis began serving me and Terence as soon as we sat down. “Glynis, I appreciate you waiting on us today, but from now on please do not serve our Sunday dinner until all three of us are present. If we need anything else today, I will send for you.”
I inwardly cringed when the smile slid from her face. In that instant I sounded just like my father and I hated it. I had never lacked for confidence in life, but now I seemed to make a mess of things on a regular basis. I would try to smooth it over later. Right now I did not need another witness to the argument I knew was about to ensue with my brother.
“It will be as you say, Your Highness.” She gave me a deep curtsy and then left the suite.
Terence had torn into his food as soon as I had dismissed Glynis. He glanced up at me nervously in between each bite, obviously sensing the impending conflict that had become commonplace between me and Rian since Father’s death.
On the other side of the table, Rian was taking his time with his meal. When he did look my way it was with a look of defiance that was also a trait of our father. Except for the fact that we shared the same shade of light brown eyes, he looked just like our mother while I shared Father’s coloring. I debated on allowing his disobedience to slide once again when he spoke up and began this particular fight.
“When are you going to learn? You are not my father and you are not my king. I can do whatever I like, and there is nothing you can do about it.”
“What you say is true, but I am the head of this household and I carry the job as ruler of your country. As such, I expect you to do as I say. You will attend services and eat with your family on Sundays from now on.”
“Make me.” I wanted to slap the snide look from his face.
Before I could respond, Edina stepped out of the hallway coming from Mother’s chambers. “Your mother wants to speak to the two of you, right now.”
She gestured toward me and Rian. Since taking over as ruler, Edina had started treating me as such, but right then, she was back to the role of nursemaid to the royal children. Rian stuffed more food into his mouth before following me to our mother’s bedchamber.
Mother was sitting at the head of the bed, propped up with pillows. Her thinning blond hair had been freshly brushed and braided. She was being cared for, if only there was a way to make her care about her own wellbeing. Still, the fact that she was sitting up was somewhat of an improvement. Hopefully, with Gwen’s help, she would be back to the beautiful queen she once was and my part of ruling this country would be over.
“Come on in and have a seat.” The smile on her face was another good sign.
She gestured to the chairs on either side of the bed. Rian jumped into the seat closest to the door and leaned away from the bed as if ready for a quick escape. I went around to the other side and gave her a kiss on the cheek before sitting. I noticed Edina had not followed us back into the room.
“Rian, do you not have a hug for your mother?”
She looked at him expectedly. He scrambled across the bed for a brief hug and was back in his seat in no time. His whole countenance had transformed from surly to meek and humble as soon as we entered the room. It was a relief to know that his attitude toward his mother was at least respectful.
She continued to gaze at Rian as he sat back down. “I could not help but overhear the conversation going on in the other room.”
I felt shame for having disturbed her with our arguing, but I would not interrupt to say so now.
“Rian, your father is gone.”
She paused and stared down at the coverlet on her bed for a moment. I wondered if she would go on, but then she looked back up at my brother and continued her speech. “I am not well. Reagan is your guardian now. I expect you to listen to him as you would a parent from now on. Do you understand?”
Rian pressed his lips together. His eyes looked glassy as if he wanted to cry, but his face remained dry. It hit me anew that he was still just a boy.
“Yes, Mother. But you will get better, and it will go back to the way it was. Right?”
“Be that as it may, Reagan is also ruler of this kingdom. Even if my health improves, I will never be strong enough to carry that position alone. It is my hope that he will continue to help. As such, he is the same as your king. We do not treat our king in a disrespectful manner, do we?”
With his head hung low, he looked at her through his blond lashes. “No, ma’am.”
“That is my good boy. You may go finish your meal now.”
Rian slipped out of the room without another word. I noticed he had turned back in the opposite direction from the dining room. He was probably headed to his bedchamber to cry in private. It is what I would have done at his age after receiving those commands.
She turned her gaze toward me and I wanted to howl. What she had said to Rian about my continuing to rule even after she returned to good health was not part of my plan. Lord, why did this lot fall to me?
“Reagan, I want to abdicate my title and the right to rule this kingdom over to you.”
I started shaking my head, but my throat was closed with panic.
She began speaking again before I could get words to form in my mouth. “No, just listen. We both know your father was the true ruler here. Even if I was in perfect health, I would be useless in this capacity. I have no desire to rule. It makes more sense for you to be king.”
I knelt down beside the bed, taking her hand in both of mine. “Mother, you will get better and you will in all likelihood take another husband. What then? Please do not do this.”
I could not tell her that I had no desire to rule either.
“You already rule. Can you not see that having the title would give you more of the respect you deserve? Just because I am stuck in this room does not mean that I do not know what is going on around here.”
“Mother, please. You will always be queen, and I do not want to talk about this. Do not worry yourself about what is going on around here. I am sorry Rian and I disturbed you with our arguing. I promise it will not happen again. I will do a better job from now on. You just concentrate on getting better. No more talk about making me king. Can you do that for me?” I kissed the back of her hand.
She visibly deflated with her shoulders slumping and her head tilting forward. It was a while before she looked into my eyes and nodded. I tried to tell myself that it was relief I saw in her face, but it looked more as if she were truly defeated. If this defeat came from her wanting to give up and me not allowing it, then I could live with that.
I took it as a good sign when she asked me to send in Terence when she dismissed me to finish my meal. She always perked up when he visited.