This trip could not have come at a better time. Things had become too heated between me and Reagan. We had not been alone once since this journey began, which I saw as a good thing. The separation helped to slow down our courting, giving me time to clear my head.
We had not flaunted our budding relationship with those we had met during this trip, but neither had we tried to hide it. Some had winked and smiled while nudging each other as they jested good-naturedly at our expense. Most did not recognize that a relationship existed—or at least pretended not to care. A few were downright hostile at the thought of their crown prince cavorting with the lowly servant from Aisling.
Every eligible daughter of the nobles who shared their hospitality with us had been preened and dangled in front of Reagan. None made it a secret that they desired a union between them and the crown prince.
One man in particular had outright offered his beautiful daughter’s hand in marriage along with a sizable dowry. I sat in silence, trying to keep the amused look plastered on my face, telling myself that was how I really felt, but my relief was too great for my own comfort when he graciously declined. I was happy to climb back into that sleigh for the last leg of our journey.
I had never relished the freezing temperatures of winter in Dermot, but I could not deny the beauty of the snow-covered mountains around me. I slid to the edge of my seat to get a better look as we approached the castle. Was Brianna already there anticipating my arrival? I could not wait to see her again. I worried about her making the long trip in her condition. In the last letter I had received, she assured me that she had never felt better.
Whenever I had traveled to Dermot before, I had always posed as Brianna’s handmaid and stayed in the royal suite with her. Still, I was no stranger to the servants’ quarters. Each castle provided a dormitory to house visiting servants—a large open room lined with single beds. I had expected to stay there, but after Reagan made a point of introducing me as his healer, I was shown to a small, unadorned room. It was more than I ever would have hoped for, and I was grateful for the privacy it provided.
My disappointment at finding that the King and Queen of Aisling had yet to arrive only lasted a moment. Brianna’s birthday was the following day. This would allow me extra time to find her a gift from one of the temporary booths set up outside the castle. I had knitted her a scarf. My skills were rudimentary at best. I would still give it to her, but I wanted to add a little something more.
I awoke early the next morning with happy anticipation. For the first time, I would be able to peruse the wares without being trailed by the guards that had always accompanied us when I was with the queen. I decided to skip breakfast. I wanted to do my shopping before everything was picked over. As I neared the booths, the scent of breakfast pastries caught my immediate attention.
I nibbled on a warm blueberry muffin as I meandered through the booths. I found a necklace for Brianna. It was nothing special, just a silk choker with tiny cogs and gears attached. I also found a green and white quilt for the baby—not a birthday gift, but I would not be there for the birthing and wanted her to have it in time.
It was mid-morning when I entered the front of the castle to find Reagan pacing the foyer. “Where have you been?”
A part of me bristled at his tone, but then I noticed his drooping shoulders and the dark circles under his eyes. It looked as if he had missed a night’s sleep. Was he ill? At the sound of a throat clearing, I noticed Filib standing off to one side of the entry-way.
I took a step closer to Reagan, placing a hand on his arm. “What is wrong?”
Reagan’s gaze darted around the small room. The only other presence was that of the doorman, standing sentry by the entrance. He took my arm and pulled me further inside the building.
“We need to talk in private. Filib will chaperone.”
I looked at the advisor as we passed. His blank expression gave nothing away. I had to extend my steps in order to keep up. The library was empty when we entered. Filib halted his steps just as he entered the door, while Reagan pulled me along further into the room.
My panic had been replaced with irritation by the time we stopped. I jerked my arm out of his grasp. “Look, this is my first trip here without Brianna. I did not know that I was not supposed to leave the castle without your permission, but that gives you no right to manhandle me.”
The minute the words were out of my mouth, I realized they were not exactly true. As a ruler, I suppose he had every right, but our relationship complicated things.
He raked his hands through his hair and plopped down in the armchair behind him.
“Although it would have kept me from worrying if I had known where you were, that is not what this is about. Please, have a seat.” He indicated the chair across from him, and I complied.
“I have spent all night agonizing over how this conversation will turn out. I do not even know how to begin other than to just spit it out and see where it ends up. There is a woman here. She is with child. She is claiming that I am the child’s father, but that is impossible.”
It felt as if my blood were draining from my body leaving a cold numbness behind. No words would form. I could only stare.
He leaned forward and took my hand in his. “Please say something.”
What did he want me to say? I swallowed hard before speaking. “And this is someone you have shared a relationship with?”
He looked down at his feet. “Not exactly.”
I sat up straighter and pulled my hand from his. “What is that supposed to mean? You either had a relationship with the girl or you did not. Which is it?”
“She attended Summer Session at Gilvary. We kissed. I swear that is all we did. Do you believe me?” His brown eyes looked directly into mine in a silent plea for me to accept his claim as the truth. Could I do that?
I thought about all the stolen moments we had shared, the heated kisses, with our bodies held so close together, our clothing and the small warning in my head had been the only thing holding us back.
He shook his head as if he could read my mind and was disputing my very thoughts.
“Gwen, I am still a . . . as hard as it is to believe, I have never been with a woman before in that way. I know I have no one to blame for my reputation but myself. That aside, I hope you know that I am telling you the truth. The chances of me being the father of her child, of me being the father of any child, is zero. Please believe me.” The pleading quality of his voice was hard to ignore.
It was true that I had allowed our kisses to go further than they should. Even our first kiss had gone too far, and I had told him so. I had warned him it could not happen again with us unmarried. I should have stuck to my convictions.
But he had never pressured me to take our intimacy to the ultimate level. I had never had to stop him from a physical union because he had never tried to take it to that point.
I let out a breath and some of my tension drained away. “I believe you, Reagan, I really do.”
He seemed relieved at my certainty of his innocence. I had not realized I had scooted closer to him until he reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. We were both sitting on the edges of our seats, our knees almost touching.
“As long as you believe me, I can face anything. I do not care what anyone else thinks.”
His lack of caring would not make it go away. “What are you going to do? About the girl, I mean?”
He drew back further into his seat. “There is a law, one that only applies to the citizens of Gilvary, that forces any man accused of fathering a child into matrimony. I have until the babe is three months of age to prove my innocence.”
“How would anyone be able to prove either way who fathered the child?”
“My father used to be the decider. I do not know who will end up determining my fate. God knows I am not the father. Hopefully, He will intervene. Maybe she will change her mind and name the guilty one before that time.
“Meanwhile, Farris thinks it would be best if she delivers in Gilvary so we can keep an eye on her. If you attend her, she will not have an opportunity to switch the baby with one who looks more like me.”
I would have no choice but to care for the needs of the woman who had ruined my happiness because of what could only be counted as greed. The only reason she could have for ensnaring Reagan in this trap was to gain the throne for her and her child. The thought twisted my gut.
His eyes lit up and he reached once more for my hand. “If you marry me now, before this comes out to the public, no one will be able to force me into a marriage to this woman.”
“You are only suggesting this because you feel desperate right now. We both know you will do what is best for your kingdom first. If you try to avoid facing the laws of your country, you will lose the respect of the people. If you truly believe God is in control of this situation, then you have to follow His lead. We both do.”
This was a reminder of why I had not wanted to get involved with Reagan in the first place. Rulers had to put their kingdoms above themselves. If Reagan were a peasant, no one would care about this scandal he was caught up in. I was only a servant, but because of my involvement with him, my reputation would be dragged through the mud along with his. Once this accusation came out, everyone would think me just as guilty of premarital relations as this unmarried girl who had found herself with child.
His brown eyes looked glassy as they gazed into mine. “I do not want to lose you.”
“Neither do I.” I sucked in a gulp of air, trying to choke back a sob. I tried desperately to gain control over my emotions. I did not want to cry in front of him. It would only make things harder than they already were.
“Then will you continue to see me until I can find a way out of this?”
I wanted more than anything to tell him yes. I could not stand the thought of being separated from him. “What you are asking would not be fair to either of us. People love gossip. They love drama. Most will believe you to be guilty, and they will already think of me in that light as well. If I allow our relationship to continue, it would not help your case, it will only add to their gossip.”
His grip on my hand became painful. “If you turn your back on me now, surely everyone will think you believe me to be guilty. That would only add to the appearance of my guilt.”
I jerked my hand from his grasp. “What about me? You could end up married to this woman. Where would that leave me? I have no grand aspirations for marriage, but who would want me then? I will not be used in this way. I am sorry, Reagan, but it is over.”
I had to get away from him before the tears started. I walked quickly past Filib. Neither man tried to stop me. I held back until I was through the door of the library. Then I broke into a run. My eyes blurred with tears. I passed a couple of servants in the hallway, their mouths gaped as their stares followed me, and I ran faster. I did not stop until I was in my room. I laid face down across the bed, burying my face in the pillow.
It took a lot for me to cry, but for some reason, it was always hard to stop once I got started. My mind would conjure up all of my past hurts, thoughts I had suppressed but was too weak to sustain in moments like these.
Just in the last few months, there had been the uncertainty of my decision to go to Gilvary, my fear of failing in my attempt to heal Queen Finelle, the hardships I had endured at the demands of Arlana, and now I could add unrequited love.
Love.
Oh, why did my treacherous heart wait until my relationship with Reagan was over to let me know that I was in love with the man? The expected joy of love realized was nonexistent, snatched away by the whims of a foolish, manipulative woman I had yet to meet. Recognition of my feelings for this man only added to my heartache.
Upon further thought, it was pointless to acknowledge my affections. Reagan had never even hinted at love to me. His earlier marriage proposal had to be the least romantic in the history of romance. I had been a fool to allow things to get to this point.
Someone lightly tapped on my door, interrupting my thoughts. It could only be Reagan and I was not ready to face him.
“Miss Gwen, you left your bag in the library. I have brought it to you.” It was Filib’s voice I heard from the other side of my door.
I swiped at my wet face trying to erase all evidence of my tears, but I knew it was of no use. If nothing else, the red splotches in contrast to my pale skin would give me away. I cracked the door open, hoping Reagan was not with him. I was touched by the concern I saw in the advisor’s eyes. He seemed to have the same caring personality as his sister, Clare.
He slid the bag through the opening of the door, and I took it from him. “I just want to say I’m sorry for what you are going through.”
“Thank you.”
He nodded and then walked away. He seemed to sense that I did not want a conversation with him. This was the most interaction I had ever had with the man, but he had shown me compassion when I needed it most. For that I was grateful.
I stayed in my room for the rest of the day, only venturing out once to eat with some of the servants in the kitchen. I wanted to make sure my composure was completely intact before I saw Reagan again.
I did not have to worry about anyone trying to make conversation with me. I had never fit in with most other servants. In Aisling, I was the queen’s friend, and in Gilvary, the healer. I was both of those things here, but an outsider as well. I had never felt so alone.
Brianna did not show up until two days later. This was probably for the best. It had given me time to gain some sense of composure. I decided not to tell her anything about Reagan. I had not had a chance to inform her we were in a relationship before, so there was no point in bringing it up now that things had ended. She would find out about Reagan’s troubles soon enough. It was not my place to tell her.
I greeted my friend with all the enthusiasm I could muster, but it was not enough. “What is the matter with you, Gwen? You seem subdued. I thought you would be happier to see me.”
“I am happy to see you. I was hoping you would have arrived on your birthday.” I handed her two of the wrapped gifts as a distraction.
“You remembered!”
“Of course I did. These are not much. Hopefully you will like them anyway. As you can see, my knitting skills leave much to be desired, but no one should notice my missed stitches once it is bunched up around your neck.” I gestured to the scarf now in her hands, hoping my smile looked genuine.
“You made this? I did not know you knew how to knit.”
“Agata taught me. How is she doing?” Agata was Brianna’s childhood nursemaid. She still took care of some of the queen’s personal needs and helped out with various jobs around the castle. She had a tendency to mother everyone she came in contact with.
“She is as ornery as ever. She cannot wait to get her hands on this baby. I do not believe my own mother could be any more excited if she were still alive. Oh, Gwen, I love it and I have a new outfit that will go perfect with this.” She held the necklace I had bought her up from its packaging for a closer look.
“I have one more gift, but it is not for your birthday. I am not likely to be there when your child is born. I wanted him to have something from his Auntie Gwen.”
She paused from untying the package to look at me. For a moment I thought she may have glimpsed the misery hidden behind my smile. “You know, it could be a girl.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “Is that what you are hoping for?”
“Not really. This child will be heir to our throne. I would think Garrett would want a boy, but all of his hopes are set for a girl child. I will be happy no matter which way it goes. I only hope Garrett will not be too disappointed if it turns out to be a boy.”
I placed my hand over hers and gave it a squeeze. “I am sure once it is safely delivered, he will be overjoyed no matter what.”
She finished opening the package and ran her fingers across the tiny stitches holding the quilt together. “Oh Gwen, it is beautiful and green will go for a boy or a girl. I love it!”
She reached and gave me a hug making me realize just how much I missed my friend. When I thought of the loneliness I would face back in Gilvary, I almost broke down and begged her to take me with her.