As shameful as it was to think such a thing, losing Gwen hurt worse than losing my father to death. And I had added to her pain with my own selfish proposal. I would give anything to take back my words, especially when they did not reflect my true feelings.
I had done everything short of having her summoned. I just wanted to catch a glimpse of her to assure myself that she was all right, but two days had passed by without me seeing her beautiful face. I had not seen the Sawyer woman either, not that I had been looking for her. It would suit me to never hear from her again.
It was a relief when Garrett finally arrived. I needed a friend, one I knew would give me sound advice. He sat across from me in the sitting room of my chambers going on with his excited babble about his life with Brianna and the baby that would soon be added to his family.
I was happy for him, really I was, but it only increased my longing for the same type of life shared with Gwen. Other than a few words and a nod here or there, I did not interrupt. I wanted his undivided attention once I began my own woeful tale.
We were so different in appearance. He took after our mother with his blond curly hair and pale green eyes, and I had my father’s dark features. I wondered if looking at me reminded him of the torture he had endured. He looked happier than I had ever seen him, but I did not miss the glimpses of sadness around his eyes when his face relaxed. I hoped he did not bring up the subject of our father. It was in every letter he had sent me. He may have the need to talk about it, but I just wanted to forget.
“You are not usually this quiet. What is going on to cause you so much anxiety, Brother?”
I should have known he would see my distress. I was a couple of years older, but he had always been the one to look out for me.
“Gwen and I have been courting. It had gotten serious to the point that I had planned to propose soon. But it is over now.”
He leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “Brianna told me that Gwen has a habit of breaking off relationships as soon as they become serious. Maybe she just needs more time. You can be charming when you want to be. With some effort on your part, she will come around.”
“That is not the problem. I believe if I had asked her, she would have said yes.”
“What made you change your mind about her? I hope for your sake that your explanation is a good one, because I would hate to be in your shoes when Brianna finds out that you hurt her friend.”
I stood and paced the floor. “I was summoned to Farris’ office as soon as we arrived here. He seemed to take great pleasure in introducing me to a couple of his loyal subjects—a girl who is with child, claiming I am the one who got her that way, and her father, demanding I marry the girl.
“Garrett, if I had been with a woman before, you would know it. You know we all took Father’s law for unwed mothers seriously. I would never have let it get that far, not even with Gwen who is the only woman I have ever loved. And I now know what God has to say about the subject as well.”
Garrett leaned back into the couch. I stopped in front of him, waiting for his response. “Had you met this girl before coming here?”
I sat back down in the armchair across from my brother. “We did kiss. It was the day of Brianna’s arrival to Gilvary just before the beginning of last Session. We ate together in the dining hall that night, but that was the last time I saw her. You know I spent the rest of my time with you after that. Other than Gwen, there have been no other women since then. Once I realized my reputation was not pleasing to God, I changed my ways, so why am I being punished now?”
“Just because we ask for forgiveness, it does not exclude us from the consequence of sin. But you may be hasty in your judgment in thinking of this as punishment since you did not participate in the sin that caused this pregnancy.
“This ordeal will certainly be a trial for you. Just make sure it does not cause you to turn away from God. Satan would love nothing more than to see you stumble.”
“You sound like a preacher. Why does your faith come so easy to you while I struggle to understand what God expects from me?”
He counted out his reasons on his fingers. “I study God’s word. I have the counsel and preaching of a strong church leader—something you have not had in Gilvary until recently. I am married to a believer who helps to keep me in line. And I have faced the biggest trial of my life, an ordeal that I would not have survived without the love of Christ. That trial has kept me on my knees. Make sure your trials do the same for you.”
I saw a strength in my brother that had not been there before. What our father had put him through had not broken him. I doubted the same would have been true for me.
I told him what Farris had proposed, that the woman reside in Gilvary. He said it made sense to him, but we would consult with Brianna. She had more training and experience in dealing with kingdom politics.
The night of the ball had arrived. I sat at one of the tables at the edge of the dance floor with the two royal couples. The only woman I had offered to dance with was Brianna, but she claimed she was too tired. I suspected it had more to do with my current situation and the fact that her friend was hurting because of me. She claimed to believe my innocence, but there was a scowl on her face every time she looked my way.
She had counseled me about my troubles. I could tell she wanted to say otherwise, but she stressed the fact that my kingdom came first. I still did not have the full support of my people. I had to tread carefully.
If only Gwen and I had married before now. Her needs would come before the kingdom’s then. For that matter, this situation probably would have never happened. What would be the point of this woman’s false accusations if she had no chance of gaining a title?
I looked across the table at the king and queen of Dermot. I had never seen Queen Babree looking quite as confident as she did on this night. She had never been an ugly woman, but with her dark features and large nose, she was never as beautiful as my mother. I wondered if Mother’s absence had anything to do with the bloom in her cheeks. Protocol required me to ask her to dance, but my heart just was not in it.
I pulled my betrothal ring from my pocket again for what seemed like the hundredth time and ran my thumb across the light blue stone. I had used the ugly ring from the vault as a guide for having this one sized. It should fit Gwen perfectly. I had planned to propose on this very night. I still wanted to, but I knew what the answer would be.
I believe my gaze was not the only one immediately drawn to Gwen as she entered the ball room an hour after the dancing had begun. The top of her deep blue dress was covered in sequins that shimmered in the candle light, drawing my attention like a beacon in the night. Layers of sheer fabric flounced out from her tiny waist and cascaded to the floor. Her pale blond hair hung in curls around her face and down her back, and she had on a tiara and matching jewelry that was the same sapphire blue as her dress. She looked like a queen standing there with her head held high.
I jumped up from my chair and headed straight for her. Several other men had already made their way to her, but they took a step back at my speedy approach. Her eyes widened as I drew nearer. I wanted to take possession of her hand, sending a message that she belonged to me, but I stopped myself just in time.
“You are breathtakingly beautiful tonight as always, My Lady.” I bowed low in front of her after giving her the proper address for the queen I still hoped she would one day be.
She nervously touched the jewels at her throat before giving the expected curtsy. “Thank you, Your Highness.”
My throat nearly closed up in the effort to hold back on my emotions. “I believed you promised the first dance to me.”
She glanced up and then away. I thought for a second she might deny me the privilege. I stood waiting as the emotions played across her features. I could imagine her wanting to say no but then convincing herself that she could not deny the crown prince. I hated the feeling that she was forcing herself to dance with me, but I did not have the strength to let her out of that promise. This may be my last chance to hold her in my arms.
I held out my hand and she took it. I noticed there was no ring to match the rest of her jewelry. I still hoped one day mine would grace her finger.
I led her out on the dance floor and pulled her to me. She gasped and her body stiffened at first but soon she relaxed and we moved together as if we were one person. I had no doubt this woman was meant to be mine. She studied my face as if she were trying to memorize it. This scared me more than before when she had been trying so hard not to look at me.
“I have missed you.”
She drew her brows together. “It has only been three days.”
“It feels like an eternity.”
She glanced nervously at the couples dancing on either side of us. “That woman, is she here?”
“No. I have not seen her or her father since that meeting in Farris’ office. I can only hope God allowed the ground to open beneath them and it swallowed them up.”
“Reagan.” Even with her reprimand, she seemed to relax after hearing that the woman was absent. What was she afraid of?
I pulled her closer until her body pressed against mine. “I . . . I want you to know that when all of this is over, I am coming after you. Do you hear me? I know God is going to work this out and when it is all straightened out, it will be you and me again. I will not rest until you are mine.”
I had started to tell her that I loved her, but that would not have been fair.
“You think you know what is going to happen, but you have no idea. God may mean for you to end up with this woman. I cannot continue pining for you when we may never be together again. For now, it is over. Try not to think about me anymore. Just do what you need to for your kingdom and forget about me for the time being.”
“I may as well try to stop breathing because that is the equivalent of me not thinking about you. All my hopes and dreams are full of you. I am in love with you.” Hang trying to be fair. Life was not fair for either of us right now.
“Reagan, I cannot do this. Do not seek me out again unless you have a medical emergency. Please. My heart cannot stand what you are putting me through.” Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears.
I hated myself for being the cause of them. The song ended right at that moment. She took a step back, but her gaze was still locked with mine as if it was the last time she would ever look at me.
A man with sandy hair and blue eyes stepped up. “Gwen, may I have the next dance?”
“Austin! I did not know you were here.” She took one last look at me before taking his arm and dancing off in the opposite direction.
I did not know who the man was, but I recognized the name. He was the one who had been sending letters to her since her arrival at Gilvary. I had hoped he was a relation of hers. That hope was dashed by the longing I saw in his eyes as he looked at her.
I stood there watching them dance for a moment. There was nothing inappropriate in his movements. He had undoubtedly never done anything in his lifetime that would even hint at something untoward. He could probably give Gwen a life of ease, unlike the stress she would have if she were with me. Maybe some men would want that for the woman they loved. Not me. As selfish as it was, I wanted her there with me through every struggle and hardship thrown our way. I wanted to be there for her as well.
When I could stand the torture of watching them together no longer, I left the ballroom and headed for my chambers.