Reagan had spoken to Rian about the ending of our relationship like it was nothing to him. It had been seven and a half weeks. Maybe that was enough time for the healing to take place. If that was true, why did I feel the hurt of it so deeply still? The loneliness I felt was overpowering at times.
I made a vow to myself as the sleigh pulled away from the front of the castle. I would move on and forget a relationship with Reagan had ever existed. His indifference would help to snuff out that spark of hope for a future that would see us together once again.
Instead, I would turn my attentions to Austin. He had written me every week since we parted. My responses had been half-hearted at best, but I would try harder to make it work. The man had never done anything to cause me pain. He deserved my best efforts, did he not?
Two letters from him waited in my chambers when I got there. I took my time answering him with the longest letter I had written yet. I did not have the nerve to add words of endearment. I hoped he would take the length of my missive as a sign of more interest on my part.
I spent the rest of my afternoon enjoying the comforts of my chambers. It was good to be home. Twice there was a knock at my door, which I ignored. The people of this castle had done without me for almost two months. Clare could care for any needs that arose for one more day.
I awoke early the next morning, ready to return to the work that had brought me to this kingdom. I arrived at the infirmary before Clare, and from her notes was able to catch up on everything that had happened in my absence. I was alarmed to hear that the queen’s health had declined further while I was in Dermot. I could almost feel Clare’s fear and frustration in the words she pinned.
She arrived just after I finished reading. It was a comfort to see her friendly smile again. “Good morning, Clare.”
“A good morning to you as well. I am glad to have you back. How was your trip?”
“Lonely. I wish you had been able to go with me, or better yet, that I had stayed here.”
“Lonely? How could you have been lonely when you had the charming prince to keep you company?”
“Actually . . .”
Just then Arlana strutted through the open door. She had been avoiding me since Reagan came to my rescue, but on this day she wore the look of superiority like armor—a look I had learned to fear. Would things go back to the way they were now that Reagan and I were no longer a couple?
She kept her gaze trained on me as she drew closer. “You could not be found yesterday. Where were you?”
“In my chambers.”
“I knocked twice, but you did not answer.”
The thought of lying and telling her that I had not heard the knocking entered my head, but I pushed it aside. “I am sorry you were inconvenienced. I decided I needed to rest after my travels.”
“No matter. Prince Reagan wanted you to see to that wench claiming to be carrying his child. I put her in the west tower where she would be away from everyone else. Prince Reagan does not want her coming so close to his chambers. He would like for you to see her in her bedchamber instead of here. You can go there in a day or so. It will not kill her to wait. I am sure you have had no occurrence to visit the west tower before. Clare can show you the way.”
I placed my hand over my chest trying to still my thundering heart as I stared at Clare. This was happening sooner than I had expected. I had not had a chance to share this with my friend, and she had obviously not heard it from someone else yet. She looked from me to Arlana with narrowed eyes and pursed lips.
I placed my hand on the counter beside me and schooled my features before looking back at the castle stewardess. She was the type to use one’s anxiety against them. “I will take care of it.”
She took a step closer. “I still do not believe you are the right girl for the prince, but you are a better choice than this other one. Hmm, it’s a wonder that Prince Reagan did not marry you while in Dermot and save himself this trouble.”
“He did ask, but I felt it was not the right thing to do. He would lose the respect of the kingdom.” Why had I shared this with her? I turned back toward Clare. She was glaring at me now with her arms crossed.
“How noble of you. I am sure the people would get over a speedy marriage versus a life-long disaster caused by an inferior queen.” Arlana’s voice dripped with contempt. How would it be if I pointed out that Reagan was not yet king?
I knew the fastest way to end this conversation was to stop talking. After a few moments of silence, she finally gave one last barb before turning to leave. “I will let you two get back to work, such as it is.”
I followed and shut the door behind her.
Clare started rearranging the already neat supplies on the shelf above our work space. I could tell she was angry, but surely she realized that given the opportunity, she would have heard it from me first.
“Clare, you know I consider you my closest friend here at Gilvary. I had every intention of telling you this morning. I did not anticipate the information coming from Arlana first.” I walked over to stand beside her.
She finally stopped what she was doing and turned to face me, angry tears brimming in her eyes. “How could you turn your back on Prince Reagan at a time like this? Do you think him beneath you just because he may have fathered another woman’s child?”
She could have slapped me and I would have been no less shocked. “I have done nothing wrong. And furthermore, I do not believe Reagan has fathered anyone’s child.”
“All the more reason why you should have married him. It’s obvious that he adores you. Why wouldn’t he? Look at you. With your thin figure and beautiful features, you could have any man you wanted. If fact, you could have the crown prince. What more could you ask for? Do you have any idea what it is like for plain, dumpy girls like me to see you throwing away one good man after another? My chances of happiness are slim to none, while you . . . oh, never mind. You would never understand.”
I was not sure what she meant about me throwing away one good man after another. She knew nothing of my past relationships, and Reagan was the only man I had given my attentions to since coming to Gilvary. She had shown signs of jealousy before, but not like this. I had not realized she felt such bitterness. The only thing I did not understand was how I could be blameworthy in this situation.
“No, you are the one who does not understand. This has nothing to do with my looks. Did it never occur to you that I had no more control over my basic appearance than you or anyone else for that matter? Have you ever seen me flaunt my good looks, or even try to improve upon them? No, you have not. There is nothing I could do to my exterior that would change who I am on the inside.” I slapped my hand against my chest for emphasis.
“You know, this is pointless. My choice not to marry Reagan is of no concern to you anyway. I do not have to answer to you or anyone else.” I left her standing there with her mouth open. Dale was passing by when I slung the door open causing it to bang against the wall. He jumped clear across the hallway. He stared open-mouthed looking much like his sister. He shifted his gaze to look past me to her.
I stepped next door to my room to get away from both of them before more words were said. I stood just inside my room trying to control my temper. I could hear mumbling from the infirmary. Clare had the consolation of her family here, while I had no one.
I could not remember the last time I had been this angry. The last person I had expected to turn on me was Clare. Had we really just argued over my looks? There was only one thing I wanted to do every time I felt this way. I pushed away from the door and headed to my bedchamber.
I changed into a tighter fitting blouse and strapped on the bracers that covered the lower part of my arms. I lifted my bow and ran my hand down the smooth wood. It had been a while since I practiced. I tightened the string and then laid it across my bed. I put on my short jacket that I had designed especially for shooting. It would not keep me as warm as my cloak, but it would allow for more mobility. Lastly, I made sure my quiver was loaded with arrows and strapped it onto my back.
In Aisling there was an archery range set up for the women of the castle to use, and they were encouraged to do so. That was not the case here in Gilvary. The only one I knew about was the one Reagan had set up in the royal family’s private garden. I was not sure if I was allowed to still use it now considering I was no longer in a relationship with the prince. When I approached the door to the family chambers, the guard glanced nervously in my direction, but he did not stop me from entering.
Everything was quiet as usual in the family suite. I walked on past the queen’s open chamber door without looking within. I was not ready to face her yet. I braced myself for the chill as I stepped out the back door. The snow had been shoveled from the garden pathways. It was cold, but the sun was shining and the wind was almost non-existent making it warmer than the day before.
The beady eyes of Reagan’s falcon watched me as I walked by his cage. I made my way past the snow covered foliage to the back wall. The target was still there at the end of the path to the right. I stood there staring at it for a minute as I took deep breaths to help center myself and to calm my nerves.
I reached over my shoulder and took an arrow from my quiver. I held the end between my first two fingers and placed the notch against the bow string while lining the end with the arrow head against the middle of my bow.
I took my time aiming my first shot. There was no battle going on around me, no one to impress, nothing to prove, and no expectations from me or anyone else riding on this shot. I dropped my shoulders, took a deep breath and then released it along with the arrow. It cut through the air and hit the target with a thump in the third ring from the center.
There was a snicker from beside me. I glanced over to see Rian peeking out from behind a tree. “Is that the best you can do?”
I looked back toward the target as I readied another arrow. “Do you believe you can do better?” I let go of this one faster. It landed right on the edge of the bull’s-eye.
Rian stepped closer to me while he studied the target. “Who taught you to do that?”
I had already drawn another arrow and it had flown to the target, this time hitting dead center. “Everyone in Aisling is taught to fight.”
He scuffed the toe of his boot in the packed snow in front of him. His cheeks and nose were red while the rest of him looked pale. How long had he been out here in the cold, and why was he by himself? He should have been out playing with the other children. I could hear their laughter coming from around the corner of the castle.
“I used to take fencing lessons, but ever since . . . but I do not take them anymore.”
He had been going to say since his father’s death. I supposed it was up to Reagan to look after the boy, but he had so many responsibilities and no one to share them with. My next arrow landed in between the two in the center—precisely where I had aimed it.
“Can I try?”
I studied his face for a moment. With his stocky build and blond curly hair, he looked a lot like Garrett, but where Garrett’s eyes were green, Rian had the same caramel-colored eyes as Reagan. There was sadness present in all of the brothers’ gazes that was never there before. It was more dominant in this youngest one. At this moment I could also see the longing to be accepted.
“You may.” I held the bow out in his direction. He stepped closer to take it.
“Careful, it is heavier than it looks.” I handed him an arrow and stepped back without further instruction.
His movements were awkward with the unfamiliar weapon that was too large for him, but he eventually notched the arrow and took aim. He had not pulled back far enough for the arrow to go any distance. It ended up in a bush a few yards to the right of the target.
His face turned red. He lowered his brows and glared in my direction. “My coat got in the way.”
I reached and took the bow from him. “That is why I wear tight clothing when I shoot.”
“I want you to come out here and give me lessons every day.”
“Are you asking me or commanding me?”
He seemed to think it over. “Commanding.”
“In that case, the answer is no.”
“But I am the prince. You have to do what I say.”
“And I am the healer. My job is to take care of sick people. Instructing children is not part of my job description. Now if you ask me in a respectful manner, I might be persuaded to give you lessons, but you would have to agree to follow my teachings to the letter and without argument.” I walked away from him to retrieve my arrows.
“Will you, then?”
“Will I what?”
He blew out his breath and slumped his shoulders. “Will you please give me archery lessons?”
I took my time answering. I wanted it to appear as if my decision took a great deal of consideration. “Yes, but there are conditions. You will have to get permission from Prince Reagan. You will need your own equipment. I can make a list of what you will need so your brother can approve it. And, I want the archery range set up out there.”
I pointed outside the garden wall. I did not want to come to the royal garden again. I did not want any chance meetings with Reagan—especially in a private setting like this.
Rian looked to where I pointed. “I do not want to do it out there, at least not until I can hit the center of the target.”
“I would be surprised if any of the other children have more skills than you possess at the moment. These are my terms. Take it or leave it.”
He hung his head. “All right.”
“Now, I need to go check on your mother. I will send a message to Prince Reagan in the morning.”
“If I get pen and paper, can you write it now before you go in to Mother? I will deliver it to him myself. That way we can start tomorrow.”
I wanted to smile at his enthusiasm but held it back. “Yes, I can do that, but I will need to see his answer in writing.”
He ran off toward the door leading into his family’s suite. He called over his shoulder. “I will meet you at the dining table.”
I did smile after he was out of sight. All of my troubles had been temporarily forgotten as I had spent time with the youngest Barnali prince. I knew he would be a difficult but welcome distraction.
After leaning my bow and quiver next to the queen’s bed chamber door, I peeked in to find her facing away from me in the darkened room. Nora sat in the chair near the door knitting. She looked up at me expectantly without stopping her work.
“I will be back in a moment to give you a break.” She smiled and nodded her head.
Rian already had the parchment and all the supplies necessary for me to write my request spread out on the table. I started with my request for permission to give Rian lessons and then went on to list what we would need, including my desire to have the target moved. I felt sure he would comply with everything. After all, I had been the one to give him lessons while he had hidden himself in Aisling.
I blotted the ink and folded the letter. As soon as it was in Rian’s hand, he ran. A laugh escaped me, and I was struck with the realization that it had been over a month since I had heard the sound.
I went back to the queen’s bedchamber and motioned for Nora to leave. I struck a match to light the candle next to Finelle’s bed.
She turned and looked at me. “Gwen, I am so glad you are back. I hope the trip was not too horrible. I have to say, I did not miss going.”
I let my face relax, trying to hide my initial reaction to her appearance. She was almost as thin as when I had first arrived at Gilvary. She turned her body fully toward me and patted the bed beside her. Just this small act had her gasping for every breath. I took her hand in mine and could feel that her pulse was slower than it should be.
“The trip itself was not too bad, but I think maybe I should have stayed here. You were doing so well, but I can see you have lost weight in my absence.”
She placed her other hand on top of mine. “You must not blame yourself or anyone else for that matter. I just do not have an appetite. I had hoped you would return wearing Reagan’s betrothal ring.”
She had changed the subject, and I wished I could do the same. I had no idea what to say to her. She must not have heard of the sordid mess that her son was being accused of, and I certainly did not want to be the one to break the news to her.
“I am flattered, but I do not believe we are meant to be together.”
“I know about the girl. I just wish you were the one carrying his child.” I did not know which statement shocked me the most.
“Queen Finelle, things have never gone that far between Reagan and me. He claims to have never been in a physical relationship with this woman or any other, and I believe him.”
“I did not mean in that way. I meant that I wish you were already married. I would love to see my first grandchild before I leave this earth.”
“I hope you do not leave us for a long time to come. Besides, Garrett will be the one to present you with your first grandchild, I suspect by the end of March. That is just over a couple of months away.”
She gave me the same blank look she always did whenever I mentioned Garrett’s name. Then her face crumpled with tears. “This is entirely my fault. If Coman was still here, he would know how to fix this.”
I brushed her hair back from her face. Her skin was so dry and paper thin. I was surprised she had any spare moisture left for tears.
“Shh. Do not cry. I believe God has a plan for Reagan. He will work it out. We just need to pray about it.”
“I doubt very seriously God is interested in my prayers. It would probably hurt Reagan more if I attempted to speak to God on his behalf. I will leave the praying to you.”
Her words caused a chill to run through me. “Finelle, are you a believer?”
“I do not deserve to be. I killed my husband. And my sons . . . I have not been the mother I should have. I should have died along with Coman.”
“If you ask God to forgive you, He will. He wants you to turn to Him. He wants to claim you as His own. All you have to do is ask.”
“I do not deserve God’s favor. I do not want to talk anymore. Just let me rest.” She closed her eyes, effectively shutting me out.
I sat there stroking her hair and her hands. I wiped the tears from her cheeks while I prayed for her. I had been praying for her healing since I arrived in Gilvary. Now my prayers would take a different turn. The body was always meant to be temporary. I just hoped hers would carry her into old age. But the soul, it would last forever. I was more concerned for her soul now.