I could not have been more astonished at the sight of my dad in Gilvary. I knew that he had lived here for a time, but to my memory, he had not once left Aisling since his return there when I was two years of age. My mind raced with the implications as we made our way toward the castle.
“Why have I not received word that you were coming?”
“I wanted to surprise you. Is that all right?”
“Well, I am surprised, but it is a pleasant one. It is so good to see you.” I reached and took his hand as we walked. It was strange how I could still have an intimate relationship with a man who had kept so much from me.
I had written to him with blunt questions about my mother after my talk with Glynis about how she used to work in the castle, which he had blatantly ignored. His reaction was no different than it had always been where it concerned my mother.
It was as if a barrier had been placed at the time we had made that trip back to Aisling seventeen years ago. Everything that happened before then was off limits to me and everything after was wide open territory. I tried again to swallow my resentment toward the part he held in secret.
“So, what brings you to Gilvary?”
His eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled at me. “Well, I thought I would spend a few days here with my daughter, and then I am going hunting.”
“Hunting? I have never known you to do that before.” How had he changed so much since I saw him last? Traveling and now hunting? It did not make sense.
“Get the shocked look off your face. Granted, it has been a while, but I have hunted before. I used to be pretty good with a bow and arrow myself. Who did you think you had inherited the skills from?”
I knew he did not expect an answer. I just shook my head in disbelief.
“I have been in contact with one of my friends here in Gilvary, and he invited me to go on a hunting trip with him. I wanted to see you, so it seemed providential to accept.”
Now he had a friend in Gilvary that I had never heard of before. Everything he had said to me since his arrival left me feeling like a rift had torn us apart. I wondered if it would only grow worse the longer I lived in Gilvary. Not for the first time, I questioned my wisdom in coming here.
After we entered my chambers, he stood in the middle of my sitting room turning in a circle while he took it all in. “You have done well for yourself, Daughter.”
Even though I had nothing to do with these rooms, I felt a swelling of pride at his words. “You can stay in my chambers while you are here, and I will find other accommodations.”
If nothing else, I knew there was a whole west tower empty but for one occupant. Surely I could stay in one of those rooms for a few nights without Juliane even knowing I was there.
“I would not put you out of your rooms. Besides, if the steward here is worth his salt, he will take care to make sure I am made comfortable. I know that is what I would do should a steward from another kingdom visit Aisling. Granted, it has never happened before.”
“The steward here is a female, and her name is Arlana Kelly. I will introduce you to her later.” And if she did not show my father the proper respect, I would go see Reagan. I had never mentioned her harsh treatment to me in any of my letters to home. I knew there was nothing anyone in Aisling could do about it, and I had not wanted them to worry.
After taking Dad’s hat and coat, I gestured toward the sofa. “Make yourself at home while I go to find you some refreshments. I know how tiring that long trip can be.”
He patted the seat next to him. “I am fine. I am more interested in getting caught up with what has been going on with you. Come sit with me so we can talk.”
We spoke a little on my job as well as his before he pulled out a couple of letters and handed them to me. One was from Brianna and the other from Austin. I thanked him and placed them on the table beside us. He stared for a moment at the one on top from Austin, and then cleared his throat before looking back at me.
“Austin spoke to me about the progression of your relationship when he gave me the letter. You know I am very fond of the boy, and I just wanted to say that you have my blessing for whatever the future may hold for the two of you.”
It felt as if my heart had skipped a few beats. I knew what was in that letter. What my father was trying to say without revealing too much was that he was giving us his blessing in marriage.
He knew me better than anyone. He could read my thoughts in my expression when no one else could. “You are still not in love with him.”
I just shook my head.
He leaned back in his seat. “Austin seems to think your feelings for him have changed, and I have to admit I had hoped they had.”
“I have never told him any different. I have tried to change my feelings toward him. Really I have. He hinted at a proposal in his last letter, and that is when I knew for sure that nothing had changed and probably never will. I by no means intended to hurt him, and I hate that you are disappointed as well.”
He reached for my hand. “I would only be disappointed if you married someone you did not love. Your happiness is important to me. For that matter, I would not want to see him married to someone who did not love him either. Are you still in love with Prince Reagan?”
“I never told you that I was in love with him.”
“You did not have to. So, what happened between you two?”
I had not expected this man of many secrets to ask such a direct question. I had just told him the relationship had ended without saying why. I had not wanted him to think Reagan guilty of this sordid mess he was being accused of. If he had not heard about it before now, he would in the next few days of his visit. He may as well hear it from me.
I poured out everything to him—from the beginning of our relationship until it ended. I even went beyond that to share my feelings since it had ended. It felt good to talk it out. Dad never once made me feel like he was judging Reagan, or me either for that matter.
“If it is meant to be, God will find a way to make it all work out.”
I could only stare at him. My dad had attended church all of my life at least. I knew him to be a believer, but I had never heard him say anything about God’s will before. He laughed as if he knew it was an unusual thing for him to say.
“Right after you left Aisling, this friend I mentioned sent me a letter. We had been close when I lived here in Gilvary, but we did not part on the best of terms. He wrote to tell me that he had received Christ as his savior years ago, and he now felt compelled by God to make things right with me. We have been corresponding since then. Talking to him about my past . . . my past with your mother, well, I have come to realize that all of these years of hiding things about that time in my life from you had also affected my walk with God. It seems I owe you two apologies—one for hiding things from you that you had a right to know and the other for not being the godly example I could have been.”
He had made sure I attended church every Sunday. He had been the one to lead me to Christ when I was still a child. I wanted to assure him that he had been a godly example, but right now my focus was on the other part of his confession. He seemed ready to spill everything I longed to know about my mother right then, but years of him clamming up at the most simple question had taught me to keep my mouth shut. I folded my hands in my lap and waited for him to go on.
“This is not going to be easy, so please bear with me. I will start from the beginning. You know I had a good family and a good childhood, but being the youngest of seven boys was not always easy. Everything I ever attempted to do, my brothers had already tried. I was a cocky teenager who wanted to make a name for myself without being constantly compared to them, so when I turned eighteen I moved to Gilvary.”
I tried to picture my dad as this cocky teenager and could not. He looked every bit the reserved gentleman now as he crossed one leg over the other while he inspected his neatly trimmed nails. I sensed that this was not easy for him. How could it be when it went against our entire relationship up to this point?
“I am ashamed to reveal how low I sank once I got away from church and family. It all seemed innocent at first—hanging out at the tavern with my friends after work. That is where I met your mother. She worked there as a barmaid. Her grandmother owned the place. But you already knew this. You said so in your letter.”
“I had been told that she had worked here in this castle and then for her grandmother, but I did not know it was in a tavern.”
He cleared his throat and nodded, but he still would not look at me. “She was beautiful like you, and at the time she seemed very exciting. I hope you will one day forgive both of us once you hear the rest of this story.”
I touched his arm causing him to finally look my way. “You have never been anything but good to me. There is nothing you can say or do that would cause me to be unforgiving toward you.”
He nodded once before looking back down at his lap. “It all seemed like a good time until she became pregnant with you. We were not married at the time. The shame of it seemed unbearable to me. She did not want to, but I insisted that we marry.”
“Did you love her?” I held perfectly still as I waited for him to answer. He did not say anything right away, and I feared I had made a mistake in asking.
“I thought I did at the time. I did care about her in a way that reflects love, but thinking back I have come to realize that I was not in love with her.” He ran his hand over his thin blond hair.
“I am sorry. There is no way to tell this story without it reflecting badly on me and your mother. Just know that I have always loved you, and I believe she loved you too, as much as she was capable of. I am not sure she knew how to give more than she did.”
There was another long pause. “Go on with your story. I am sorry for interrupting.”
“I started going to church again after that. I was young and stupid. I should have given God time to woo her. Instead I insisted that she live up to my own standards. When you were a little over a year old . . .” He shook his head, and I feared he would be unable to continue.
He looked at me then. His eyes were glassy with unshed tears. “She ended her life with a dose of hemlock. I know it was my fault that she died.”
For the first time since this conversation began, I wished he was not looking right at me, trying to catch my reaction. It was shocking at first. Then I realized I had suspected suicide all along. I scooted across the couch and wrapped my arms around him. His body shuddered and when he spoke again his voice was choked with emotion.
“I am so sorry. Please forgive me for everything I did back then and for trying to hide it from you all of these years. I realize now that it would have been better if you knew all along.”
“Whatever you did back then was between you and God. As far as my mother is concerned, she made her own choices. You are not the cause of her death. She could have found another way to deal with the situation if she was unhappy.”
“I know I left a lot out of this story. I just wanted to get through it as quickly as possible, but I want you to be able to come to me with any questions you might have. I want us to be able to talk about anything, like it should have been before now.”
We spent a little more time in general conversation, moving on to less emotional subjects. It was nice to reconnect with him in a way that was familiar to me, but the things he had revealed sat at the back of my mind, pushing for me to take them out and examine them. The knocking on my door was a relief.
I opened to find Arlana, her obvious disdain for me flashed in her features before her countenance changed like the pulling on of a mask. Her smile was almost convincing. “I heard you have a visitor. I wanted to welcome him to Gilvary.” Even her voice sounded cheerful.
A different emotion flashed across her face the second her green-eyed gaze met with my father. If Dad noticed her reaction, he gave no indication that I could tell. He had walked up next to me and held out his hand to the woman. I pressed my lips together to suppress my temptation to snicker. Surely he had no idea about the customs of this kingdom, but when she reached out to him, he took her hand gently in his and bowed his head. Her smile was genuine as she curtsied in front of him—an unusual gesture to anyone but royalty.
“Dad, allow me to introduce the castle stewardess, Arlana Kelly. Arlana, this is my father, Einri Alexander, steward to the king and queen of Aisling.”
No doubt she already knew of his position. The introduction was just a formality. Her gaze never left his face. She stepped closer as they exchanged pleasantries. Dad’s cheeks were flushed, and I wondered if it was a sign of pleasure or embarrassment.
I was surprised when she informed him that he would be staying in the suite usually reserved for the king and queen of Aisling. She offered to show him to his chambers. He did not ask me to go with him, and I did not offer. Hopefully we would spend much time together in the next few days, but at that moment I needed a break for reflection upon the day.