“You are the only friend I have.”
My head snapped upward at Juliane’s declaration. How could this be? She probably did not have many friends here, but I did not see how she labeled me her only friend.
I always kept my weekly visits at a minimum. I had no desire to interact with the woman who was causing Reagan so much pain. Now that I thought about it, I had never seen another soul in this tower. I knew servants came bringing food and to clean her room. I wondered how they had been treating her if she could refer to our brief interactions as friendship.
I took a step closer to where she sat perched on the side of the bed. “What about your father? I know he is more than just a friend, but surely the two of you are close.”
She looked down at the floor. “You are right. He is no friend. Besides, I have not seen him in over a week. I have not seen anyone but the servants since coming here. I am grateful for all they do for me, but they refuse to even look at me. Prince Reagan has visited a couple of times, but I know he will not return. He said so on his last visit. It gets so lonely here, especially at night.”
I tried to push away the alarm I felt at the news that Reagan had been here. I told myself it was none of my concern. He had every right to see whomever he liked. I could not deny that the thought of the two of them together crushed my spirits a little more.
As healer her despondency was my concern. I tried to think of some way to take care of this without me having to spend more time with her. I wanted to suggest she take her meals in the dining hall, but a glance at her overextended belly told me it was probably not a good idea for her to attempt the stairs now that she was only two weeks away from her due date.
“Why at night? Are you not sleeping?”
“Yes, I get plenty once I finally fall asleep. It’s just that I think about the fact that I am in this tower all alone more so at night. It may not make sense, but I believe if I just knew someone occupied the room next to me, I would be all right.”
Guilt settled over me like a wet blanket. I had been so caught up in my bitterness, it had blinded me to my patient’s needs. At the prickling of my conscience, I knew what I needed to do.
“I work during the day, but I could sleep in the next room—at least until the baby is born. Then you will have constant company and will need me no longer.”
She took both of my hands in hers and smiled up at me. “Could you? That would be wonderful.”
For the rest of the day my mind kept going back to Juliane saying that Reagan had been to see her. Had he thought to try and build a relationship with her? After all, they could end up married.
More than likely he had been trying to talk her into dropping the lie and admitting that he had not fathered her child. Maybe he told her that he would no longer visit because she had refused. She had said he would not be returning.
It seemed no matter how hard I tried, I could not stop thinking about Reagan. Pouring myself into my work had not helped. A relationship with Austin had not been the answer. Focusing on teaching archery to the children of Gilvary had not worked either. Maybe by getting closer to Juliane and thinking of her and her baby as Reagan’s future was what I needed.
I went to Arlana to let her know that I would be staying in the room adjacent to Juliane until after the baby was born. It was her job to get someone up there to clean the room, but I had already resolved that I would do it myself if necessary. I at least expected some snide remark from her.
She studied me for a moment with a finger over her lip. “You know, that just might be the thing.”
“What do you mean?”
“If you befriend her, you could get her to change her mind and drop this nonsense.”
That had never entered my mind, but I knew better than to try and argue my point with Arlana. Let her believe what she wanted. She promised to send someone right up to clean the room.
Oddly enough moving in next door to Juliane had hardly any effect on our relationship. In fact, I did not see her much more than I had before. My duties seem to increase every day. Most nights I came in so exhausted I would go right to sleep despite the lumpy bed and the unfamiliar surroundings. Juliane did seem in better spirits, so I suppose there was a purpose in me being there.
Resolving to stop thinking about Reagan had done nothing to stop him from entering my dreams every night. We most often spent our time together picnicking by the Erin River. The dreams were always so real I could almost feel the warm sunshine on my skin. Sometimes we would just talk, but more often than not we would lie back on the blanket while he held me in his arms, kissing me senseless.
“Wake up, Gwen. You need to wake up.” Had I fallen asleep in my dream? How could that be? The sunshine disappeared in an instant as I opened my eyes to a darkened room.
“Gwen, I think my time to deliver has come. I need your help. Please wake up.”
“I am awake. I am coming.” I was disoriented and my hands shook until I got a candle lit.
Everything was laid in preparation for this event. I covered her bed with the oiled cloth and helped her get into position for me to examine her. A contraction started as soon as I touched her belly.
“The babe will indeed make an appearance soon, but it could be many hours or even days with this being your first. You should try to rest as much as possible between contractions.”
I pulled the covers over her and smoothed her hair back from her face. She closed her eyes and leaned into my hand. When was the last time anyone had given her a caring touch? It was a natural thing for me to do as I had for many other mothers-to-be until I thought about whom I was caring for.
I turned away to build up the fire. It would be a while before I would need it to boil the water necessary for the delivery, but it would knock out the chill that had settled in the room since we had retired for the night. I was surprised to hear another contraction coming on so soon after the last one.
Four hours later at three in the morning on the fifth of March a healthy baby boy was born. It was a much faster and easier delivery than I had ever expected. I inspected his pink rounded body as I cleaned him up. He expanded his hearty lungs in protest, but quieted after I swaddled him and offered my finger for him to suckle.
Most mothers could not wait to get their hands on their newborn infants. Juliane was sound asleep by the time I finished my preparations. The work she did on this night after the lack of activity before the delivery must have aided in wearing her down.
I sat and rocked the babe in my arms while I studied his features for the first time—not as a healer, but as a woman. I ran my hands through his thick dark hair while he blinked up at me through swollen lids.
He was beautiful to behold. I felt a sudden love for this child that I could not explain. I had held babies before but none had caused the stirring in my heart that this one did. As I rocked and held him close, tears streamed down my face at the loss of Reagan’s future children that would never be mine.
The plan had been for me to return to my own chambers after the baby was born, but that is not how it worked out. Juliane had as little to do with the babe as possible and for the life of me I could not understand it.
How could she look into his beautiful face and not want to spend every moment with him? Holding him had opened up a longing in me that could not be quenched. Would I ever hold my own child in my arms? If I did, who would the father be?
No amount of coaxing would convince Juliane to love her child. She made sure he was fed, and I had to wonder if even that was sufficient. I started dividing my time between the baby and the queen leaving most of everything else to Clare and her sister whom she had taken as an assistant.
The baby did grow despite the lack of attention from his mother, while Finelle was getting weaker and less respondent with every passing day. It seemed no matter what I tried to do now, my best efforts were met with failure. The whole reason Reagan had brought me to Gilvary was to care for his mother, and I was losing her. The future had never looked so bleak.