“Don’t let us make imaginary evils, when you
know we have so many real ones to encounter.”
—Oliver Goldsmith (1730–1774)
Brace yourself for some bad news—if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’ve become trapped in a horror movie. I know, I know—it sounds crazy, but you’ll just have to trust me for a minute, OK? This book has a knack for finding its way into the right hands—if it’s found its way into yours, there’s a reason.
Questions. You’ve got a million. Lord knows I did. “How’s that even possible?” “Why me?” “Am I going to die?” Nobody knows the answers to those first two. Maybe you fell down a rabbit hole, or took one too many pulls off the ol’ peace pipe. Or, in the words of Aldous Huxley, “Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.” As for the last one? The answer’s “yes, and that right soon”—unless you do exactly what I tell you over the next 170 pages.
I’ve spent the better part of my life (if you can call it that) trapped in the Terrorverse—sleeping with one eye open and one finger on the trigger. For almost 20 years now, I’ve tangled with all manner of ghosts, demons, slashers, and half-retarded hillbillies. I’ve vanquished vampires, blown the heads off my share of zombies, even danced with the devil himself—all without a lick of help. And you know what? I’m still here, so I figure I must be doing something right.
I’ve also watched a lot of good people die (spend enough time in a horror movie, and you’re bound to lose two things: friends and appendages). I’ve also watched screenwriters and directors—the invisible gods of this godforsaken land—become increasingly clever and cruel over the years. So I decided to write down what I’d learned, in hopes that new arrivals to the Terrorverse (that’s you) would stand a better chance of making it all the way to the end credits. Sharing the skills I’d learned from a life spent dodging the kills.
From this moment on, nothing is what it seems. You’re not a human being, you’re a character—and filmmakers are doing everything in their power to kill you, even now. Supernatural powers and curses are real, and numbers like 666 and 237 can kill you just as easily as a butcher knife. Log cabins are slaughterhouses, cornstalks are antennas for evil, and aliens never, ever come in peace.
And me? I’ll be your guide through hell. I’ll teach you how to perform an exorcism, survive a night of babysitting, and navigate a cemetery (without become a permanent addition). I’ll teach you how to escape the inescapable, spot harbingers of impending doom, and defeat a haunted house. Most importantly, I’ll show you how to make life miserable for the screenwriters and directors who are trying to end yours.
So I suggest you stick close, pay attention, and avoid breaking the Terrorverse’s only commandment: Thou shall not be stupid.
Now come with me if you want to live …