3
What Our Culture Says About Sex
Our culture says a lot about sex. Everywhere you look there is a billboard, video, poster, movie or TV program telling us something about sex. Even the music industry encourages us to think about sex. Just look at the lyrics in some of today's popular songs:
I'm tryna put you to bed, bed, bed…
It's getting hot in here, so hot, so take off all your clothes.
* * *
[We would like to quote from this song, but it's too vulgar to put in this book.]
I wanna sex you up…Feels so right it can't be wrong.
I want you to (rock the boat).
Let's make love, let's go somewhere, they might discover us.
Cause we off up in this jeep We foggin’ up the windows.
Boy I'ma make you love me, make you want me…Cause I don't want no one-minute man.
We ain't having sex, We're making memories.
Sex Sells
According to Mediafamily.org, 22 percent of radio segments contain sexual content, with 20 percent of these considered “pretty explicit” or “very explicit.” When there is sexual content on the radio, it tends to be during music segments (44 percent include sexual content) or during talk segments (30 percent). Almost half (44 percent) of sexual messages during talk segments refer to sex outside of pre-existing relationships, whereas less than 1 in 10 messages (6 percent) refer to sex within a pre-existing relationship.9
On average, a sexual scene occurs on TV 6.7 times per hour during the regular family viewing hours.10 In fact, on MTV there are 3,000 sexual references each week.11 Think about that: 3,000 messages a week telling us in subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) ways how we should think about sex and how we should be involved in it right now before we are married.
What is the impact of all these messages? According to the RAND Corporation, people who look at and listen to regular doses of these messages are twice as likely to get involved sexually before marriage. That means they are twice as likely to get their hearts broken, have unwanted pregnancies, and contract a sexually transmitted disease. They could even mess things up so that they are never able to have children. All this comes as a result of what they have seen in the media and how these messages have affected their lives.12
Consider some of the other findings that have appeared in recent news reports about the effects of all the sexual content in the media:
Britt Spooner, female bassist for Neon, stated the following about the way the media markets women in music:
I usually do get comments about the way I look more often than my musical skills I think it is a lot harder and I don't think we've come much further in terms of feminism. Somehow the marketing of women is much more blatantly sexual than it ever was. In fact, being able to carry a tune and sing with musicians is the last thing that comes into it.17
What about some of the popular musicians and actors we see acting out these scenarios on TV—people like Britney Spears and Usher? What is happening with them? Take a look at some of these recent stories:
The actor—who supports his now-divorced parents—credits them for his sense of humor, saying: “My humor came from seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, my mom being naked—just weird hippie stuff, twisted R-rated humor….
“I have no answers to anything. None. Why am I an alcoholic? I haven't a damn clue! What is life about? I don't know. What I do know is, I screw up, and I know that I'm working on myself to be a better person. So I have no apologies….
“I don't understand what it is I do that people want. I don't know what an actor does. I have no credentials. I don't know what I'm doing. To my mind, talent doesn't really exist…it's just a drive to be the best. I think acting is a con game.”18
After two years of marriage, Pink and Carey Hart announced they were getting a divorce. Pink wrote about the split on her website: “The most important thing for you all to know is that Carey and I love each other so, so much. This breakup is not about cheating, anger, or fighting.”19
“Sam let Lindsay back into her life as a friend, but now even a friendship seems impossible,” the article reports a source told People magazine. “No matter how many times she promises to change, Lindsay loses control and starts acting like a maniac.” The article continues, “This week also saw reports of LiLo partying hard and acting ‘extremely oddly and erratically,’ per another Page Six source. After a random encounter with a fellow clubgoer, she allegedly ‘lost it and started yelling and cursing and flying around the room. She was not acting normal.’ This does not sound like a happy life for Lindsay.”20
In December of 2006, Dita ended the marriage after catching Manson cheating with a 19-year-old actress. “I get the impression he thinks I was unsupportive,” she says, “but the truth is I wasn't supportive of his lifestyle, and someone else came along who was.” Manson's alcohol abuse and distant behavior were also cited as cause for the split. He is reportedly fighting for custody of the couple's three cats. A judgement of divorce was entered in Los Angeles Superior Court on December 27, 2007.21
They dated for years, but the marriage lasted only four months. Sources report that both Pam and Kid were in a race to get their papers filed first.22
Sometimes it's hard to separate reality from acting. These two dated onscreen on The O.C. and in real life, but the relationship did not last long.23
“The biggest mistake,” Phillippe said, “is not [working on my marriage], ignoring it and having the marriage fall apart because of laziness.” Phillippe would not comment on reports that a relationship with his costar Abbie Cornish played a role in the demise of his marriage.24
This rocky relationship ended quickly even though Tameka was pregnant with the couple's second baby. Usher now balances a fast-paced career and tries to make time to spend with his sons while still going through the divorce process. “What I do is, I try to get [my work] done and get home on the weekends if possible,” Usher adds, “but when I'm with my boys it's just all about them.”25
In a recent Kaiser Family Foundation study, 76 percent of teens said that one reason young people have sex is because TV shows and movies make it seem “normal” for teens.26 The general message we receive from all of these reports is that people certainly can't be expected to control themselves. Sex is just what people do—particularly young people with raging hormones. So let's get this straight: We can train our dog not to go to the bathroom in the house, but we can't train ourselves? Are we actually saying that a dog is smarter than us? I don't think so.
The broader picture is that those in the media who produce content for teens (such as those at MTV) have a picture of what they want to make young people into.27 For guys, this picture is a “mook”—a gross and immature perverted young adolescent. Somehow, they claim, acting this way will make you feel like a man. It is as if they are trying to train you to be a dog.
Ladies, they have a word for you, too: “midriff.” They want you to act older than you are, strut what you have, and turn the guys’ heads, as if somehow that will make you feel more important and valued. Yet, as you will see in the following stories that you are about to read, this is simply not the case. Once you have given away everything you can possible give away—your body, emotions, heart, purity, modesty—you will still feel empty and used by guys, used by the culture, and used by society.
The message we receive is that it is okay to have sex anywhere, with anyone, and at any time. Do it with anything that moves, and some things that don't. (Hmm . .. that sounds just like a dog.)
You would think that with all these messages floating around we would have a very happy culture. However, this is not the case. In fact, the data shows that people who sleep around and do what the culture tells them to do tend to be far less happy than those who have been married for several years and stayed true to having sex only with each other. We see more heartbreak, diseases and brokenness than ever before. You don't even have to look at the data—just look at all the stories, the tear-stained eyes of the families who have been broken up, and the romances that have been shattered after everybody has given to each other all the sexual intimacy they can possibly give. Whatever the culture is telling us, the answer is obvious: there must be a better way.