Kids can say the wildest (and most embarrassing) things, especially when it comes to sex and love. In this chapter, we'll look at some of the funny ways that kids have approached the topic. They probably had no idea how much their words would shock their parents!
A boy returning home on the first day of school asked his mom, “Mom, what is sex?” His mother believed in modern education and gave him a detailed explanation, covering all the bases of the tricky subject. When she finished the explanation, he produced an enrollment form he brought home from school and said, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that on this little square?”1
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher. A little boy said, “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher turned around to correct him. “Don't you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy proudly. “It means carrying a child.”2
Several years ago I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. I came to my bedroom at 2 A.M. and found my two children with my wife. My wife, Karen, was apparently scared of the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest room that night.
The next day I told the children,”It's okay to sleep with mom when there is a storm like that, but when I am expected home, please don't sleep with mom that night.” They said, “Okay.”
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the kids picked me up at the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had to come into the terminal to wait for my plane to arrive along with hundreds of others. As I was entering the waiting room, my son saw me, came by and said, “Hi, Dad, I've got some good news.”
I reached back and said loudly, “What is the good news?”
“Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!” he shouted. The airport became very quiet.3
Little Mark was engrossed in a young couple hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked, “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”4
A parent from my son, Carson's, school and I had to have a little intervention with their daughter and him. They were talking way too seriously about marriage and having kids for kids their age. The other mom did not think it was appropriate. I thought it was cute at first, but it did get a little obsessive for 5-year-olds. When finishing the conference, I wrapped up the conversation, “So what aren't we going to talk about anymore?” Carson exclaimed, “SEX!” really loudly. I turned beat red. The mom was really annoyed that my son used the “s” word in front of her daughter and asked how he knew the word. He replied, turning to me, “From the show you watch, Sex and the City.” Needless to say, that was the end of our conference.5
One child, when asked how people fall in love, responded, “I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful.”6
One girl stated the following reason for why kissing was invented: “I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.”7
Another boy, upon seeing a couple kissing, said, “He is trying to steal her chewing gum!”8
A 10-year-old boy gave this reason on what makes a successful relationship: “You've got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”9
Here are some titles of love ballads that kids came up with:
“I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends”
“How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?”
“Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo on My Mind”
“Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!”
Five-year-old Christopher Walsh excitedly reported to his parents what he had learned in Sunday School. He told the story of Adam and Eve and how Eve was created from one of Adam's ribs. A few days later he told his mother, “My side hurts. I think I'm having a wife.”11
Just reading these stories kind of makes you remember your innocence when you were younger, before you knew anything about these topics. It can also cause you to reflect on how perverse our culture has made love and sex. In fact, seeing the world through the eyes of a child is really not a bad idea—recovering our innocence, and then looking at it from that standpoint, could be exactly what we need.