7

What Parents Say About Sex

 

 

 

Nothing.

That's right…nothing. Most parents don't say anything to their kids about sex. They feel awkward about approaching the topic, and this makes their kids feel awkward. In the process, not much of anything is communicated, and even when something is communicated, the information is less than helpful.

I am reminded of one 15-year-old boy who told me that the sex talk he received from his parents went something like this: He saw one dog humping another in the kitchen and asked his mom, “Mom, is that what sex is like?” His mom said, “Yeah, pretty much.” That was the entire sex talk.

In this chapter, we will look at what some teens have said their parents told them about sex, and what they wished their parents had told them.

What Teens Say Their Parents Told Them About Sex

It's an awkward subject, but mom did a pretty good job. I was kind of weirded out at first, but I have known that it is a precious gift from God to give your spouse.

(Gender and age unknown)

My mother gave me the old-fashioned birds-and-the-bees talk. She told me I was healthy enough to get pregnant.

(Female, age unknown)

They told me, “Save sex for marriage.” They told me it was a treasure and that I needed to guard it with all my heart.

(Female, age 17)

My parents did not talk to me a lot about sex because it seemed like they thought the less I knew the better off I would be.

(Gender and age unknown)

It was a while ago…I guess it was kind of awkward. Now it would be easier to talk about.

(Female, age 16)

They sat me down and told me why not to do it. I mostly learned things when I was at youth group or reading the Bible. I mean, it's not hard to see. It's all over God's Word because it's so important.

(Female, age 15)

My mom seemed very nervous, like I should be telling her. But I think if I were in that situation, I would have been nervous too. I just told her that I knew, and she told me things she figured out on her own.

(Female, age 16)

Mostly my mom talked to me about relationships and sex. She did warn me to watch out for any creepy guys who might try to pull something.

(Female, age 16)

I'd say they made it clear that sex was only for reproduction, and that it's only okay after marriage. I wish they would have told me how it destroys peoples’ lives and futures or given me an effective way to say no to make a guy get it right away.

(Female, age 16)

The only time my mom explained anything about sex was when I started my period. She explained why it was happening, but she didn't go into details, because I was 10.

(Female, age 16)

Many times the subject was avoided.

(Female, age 20)

My parents did not want me to be surprised when I heard about sex at school.

(Female, age 17)

They were pretty vague.

(Female, age 15)

They did a pretty good job and it didn't disturb me or my sister too bad. LOL.

(Female, age 15)

They gave me good information. Some of it was indirect, but I picked it up.

(Female, age 17)

We had multiple talks about it. They were more serious.

(Male, age 16)

They talked about how the Bible says sex was a gift from God for marriage.

(Female, age 16)

They were nervous and did not think I knew this stuff. They didn't go deep.

(Male, age 17)

They gave me their honest opinions and thoughts and everything.

(Female, age 15)

They told me to wait until marriage.

(Female, age 21)

They talked about how to stay pure.

(Male, age 19)

They said sex creates a tight emotional bond between two peoples’ hearts that, outside of marriage, causes an immense amount of emotional pain when you break up.

(Male, age 19)

They spoke about purity and why it's important, and that I'm worthy.

(Female, age 18)

They wouldn't have told me anything. We had a very awkward household. There was no dad in the picture.

(Male, age 23)

They said sex is something beautiful and not disgusting.

(Female, age 17)

What Teens Wish Their Parents Had Told Them About Sex

I think I would have liked to hear my mom talk about some of the things in her past. I would have liked to have been given the emotional part of it.

(Female, age 16)

I would have rather found out from them than the media.

(Age and gender unknown)

My dad just stared at me and Mom was real preachy about it. I wish they would have just made it more casual.

(Male, age 19)

My parents never really had “the talk” with me. I guess they figured I wouldn't have sex. I wish they would have mentioned the regret and agonizing pain of it.

(Female, age 16)

My parents never really talked to me about sex, but then I don't know if I would have wanted them to. I learned about abstinence through them, and that was good. I wish they would have told me that not everyone supports abstinence and that I will be constantly surrounded by people who are having sex when I'm older.

(Female, age 16)

The struggles were not addressed. I wish my parents would have told me how hard it is to remain pure. I wish they would have told me how they overcame their own temptations at my age or how they failed.

(Female, age 17)

We never really talked about it. My mom gave me and my sister books on the Christian perspective about premarital sex, and that was it.

(Female, age 18)

I wish they would have told me how easy it is to slip and go from making out to losing your virginity. No one ever explained to me how fast and crazy it can be with all your hormones going.

(Female, age 16)

There was no talk. I wish I would have known the importance of purity.

(Female, age 17)

I wish they would have told me how important it is to keep my virginity. It brings shame and guilt, and sex should be saved for marriage.

(Female, age 18)

My parents were never up to talking about sex. I wish my mom would have been more open with me about her past relationships.

(Female, age 18)

They explained to me why I need to stay pure and how to stay pure. I wish they had told me more about how hard it is to not have sexual thoughts.

(Male, age 17)

The talk was not as good as I would have liked. I learned way more at my class at school than at home. I wish my parents had said more what it is. I would have liked to have a healthy understanding of sex so I knew the dangers about it.

(Male, age 16)

They talked about physical purity, but it was not concrete enough for me to develop boundaries or guard my heart. I wish they would have told me how sex is attached to emotions.

(Female, age 16)

I wish they would have told me how beautiful it is to wait and helped me understand that better.

(Female, age 16)

We did not really talk about it much. I wish they would have said what a trap sex would be.

(Male, age 20)

My parents just told me not to have sex. It was not really a conversation. I wish they would have told me that it has consequences..

(Female, age 15)

I wish they would have been more open and honest about leading me to purity. I wish they would have given me more answers and more of a Christian perspective.

(Male, age 19)

I wish they would have started talking to me about it at a younger age. I wish they would have been the first to reveal some of those things to me and also show biblically why to stay pure.

(Male, age 19)

I wish they would have talked about it more.

(Male, age 19)

I wish they would have sat down and talked with me instead of giving me a book.

(Female, age 19)

I wish they would have talked to me about it.

(Female, age 18)

I wish they would have been more open about it. Not that they had to have every detail, but I shouldn't have had to find out as much as I did from the Internet.

(Male, age 20)

I wish they would have had one-on-one conversations with me where they found out what was really going on.

(Female, age 19)

I wish that they would have just told me.

(Female, age 18)

I wish they would have taught me about sex.

(Female, age 19)

I would have liked to have them tell me how to keep my thoughts pure and guard my emotions.

(Female, age 19)

I would have liked them to talk about the true heart behind why I should wait.

(Female, age 19)

They could have told me that pornography is evil.

(Male, age 19)

I would have liked to have heard how sex tears the soul. I wish my dad would have given me more insight about his teenage years and girls in general.

(Male, age 18)

If they had talked to me about sex, I would have wanted them to tell me that I should wait for the person I am going to marry.

(Male, age 21)

I wish they would have been more open and told me more about how bad they felt when they didn't stay pure for each other.

(Female, age 16)

I wish they could have told me more about what God says about it.

(Female, age 19)

I wish my parents had told me something so that when we learned about it in school I wasn't the only clueless one.

(Female, age 16)

I wish at a younger age they would have really explained to me how precious sex is.

(Female, age 16)

I would have liked to have heard stuff about what an orgasm is, because I had to find that out from my friends.

(Female, age 16)

I wish my dad would have talked to me about it. One time I heard something on the radio about dads taking their daughters out on dates to model what it should be like, and I thought that was a really great idea for both parties.

(Female, age 20)

They could have told me that staying pure doesn't just mean you don't have sex; it means you don't do anything that you know you wouldn't want God to see. That includes your thoughts, because He does see it all, and it starts in your mind.

(Female, age 15)

I wish they would have said that it's normal to have those feelings and to want to have sex. Otherwise, it's not regarded as something priceless.

(Female, age 16)

I wish they had told me “why not” instead of “do not.”

(Female, age 20)

I wish they would have talked to me more about relationships and boundaries.

(Female, age 21)

They could have told me how it affects you emotionally.

(Female, age 16)

I wish they had told me how it makes you feel afterward–unworthy–and the value of purity.

(Female, age 24)

I would have liked to have heard about the side effects and the emotional pain sex causes if you do it before marriage.

(Male, age 19)

I wish they would have told me earlier. They started talking about it when I was 9 or 10, but by that time I already had a perverted view of it.

(Female, age 19)

They should have told me not to do it.

(Male, age 22)

They could have been more open about the things they struggled with and the things I would face. Also, I wish they had not been afraid to talk about the awkward things, like oral sex, homosexuality, masturbation, and so forth–the different things teens struggle with.

(Female, age 19)

I wish they would have explained about masturbation.

(Female, age 19)

I would have liked to have them tell me about the consequences of sex and God's plan.

(Female, age 22)

I wish they would have had one-on-one conversations with me where they found out what was really going on.

(Female, age 19)

I would have liked them to tell me how it creates a tight emotional bond between two people's hearts that, when done outside of marriage, causes an immense amount of emotional pain when you break up.

(Male, age 19)

They could have told me more details about the emotional attachment involved with masturbation and oral sex, and why it's wrong.

(Female, age 19)

I wish they had told me God's advice and view on it and why purity is so important.

(Female, age 20)

They could have talked more about it. I'm still confused by some emotional stuff, but I now know how to go about a godly relationship. My parents will talk now, though.

(Male, age 19)

I wish they would have been educated on what true emotional / physical purity is, how to communicate what sex is, and the need for godly relationships. I wish they would have known about masturbation being wrong or communicated that to me.

(Female, age 18)

They should have told me about the different temptations and how to overcome them. I was really unprepared for high school.

(Male, age 19)

I wish they would've sat down with me and actually talked about it, now that I've had to experience so much.

(Male, age 20)

Parents’ attitudes about sex seem to range from telling their kids nothing to threatening them with death if they ever do anything to handing out condoms and saying, “By the way, it's okay if you want to go and get on the pill.” If parents are not going to teach their kids what is proper and what the best use of their bodies is, where are they going to learn?

When our kids were young and began to ask where babies came from, my wife, Katie, and I gave mild answers. As they got older, they were ready to understand more and more. My wife and I always tried to have a loving marriage and treat each other openly with love and respect and, when they were the right age, we told our kids that we loved each other so much that we made a baby, and they came out. That formed the right picture in their mind of what sexual intimacy is all about.

Many parents are afraid to talk about sex because they blew it when they were young and don't want to tell their kids the truth about their own background. Some parents are afraid to share about their past with their children because they worry it will send a message that it's okay for them to follow in their footsteps.

Although it may be gross to imagine your parents being involved sexually, you know it happened, or you would not be here! However, as you've seen in this chapter, not all parents know how to communicate to their kids the wise use of their body, even when it's raging with hormones. Maybe that is why you are reading this book—you, too, are curious about sex and how you can have great sex for your whole life. If so, keep reading!