No matter how careful your approach or how much your friends and family want to see you happy, you still might get some pushback on your reset. (And if it doesn’t come from them, you might hear it from a casual acquaintance or friend-of-a-friend you encounter while socializing.) No one would take issue with the big-picture goals of changing your health, habits, or relationship with food (because who’s gonna say that sounds dumb?), but your restaurant order, post-workout meal, or sparkling water at happy hour may draw attention, and the rules and structure of your reset protocol may invite teasing, criticism, or skepticism.

This is understandable. Think about the very first time you read the rules of your reset. Your reaction probably ranged from, “Wow, that’s a lot of stuff I can’t eat” to “Aw, HELL NO.” It’s intimidating, and it’s probably a little scary for people to imagine, even if they’re not doing the program themselves.

That said, please don’t assume everyone is going to give you a hard time about your new healthy eating plan. Anticipating their criticism can make you behave defensively, which could prompt family and friends to react to your behavior, not the plan itself. (Translation: By anticipating a conflict, you might actually instigate one!) Whole30er Allyson C. knows this firsthand: “In reality, it was pretty easy to talk to friends and family about my reset, but my perception going into these conversations was that it was going to be a battle. I was expecting negative comments, and that created more anxiety than necessary. My expectation of the pushback actually changed my behavior and diverted my focus.”

I’m going to give you a wide variety of examples of the kind of criticism you might encounter in this chapter, but that doesn’t mean you’ll encounter all (or any) of them. I just want you to be prepared in case you do, giving you a way to respond kindly in the heat of the moment. But let’s enact one rule of thumb here:

Expect the best.

Don’t assume that everyone you eat lunch with is going to make fun of your diet, tempt you with off-plan treats, or criticize what’s on your plate. It’s far more likely that they’ll just be curious, accept what you’re doing matter-of-factly, or not even notice you’re eating a little differently. You may not need any of the tips in this chapter at all, in fact.

But just in case . . .

If you do experience criticism, skepticism, or teasing, you’ll ideally receive that feedback calmly and with an open mind. Assume the other person is just trying to understand, not bash your decision or the plan. See if you can find truth in the points they are trying to make, then thank them for their concern and respond thoughtfully. Above all, don’t get defensive. This isn’t a personal attack on you; they’re just questioning the program.

Let’s talk about the most common criticisms you might hear, and how you can handle them gracefully. These are all valid concerns when it comes to your reset, so if you encounter any of these, answer them as calmly, concisely, and helpfully as you can.

“I could never do that; I love bread too much.” This isn’t a direct criticism, but you still have to handle it carefully. Don’t try to suggest they really could or come up with all the reasons why they should at least try. Acknowledge their feelings, and keep your response simple. They’re already feeling slightly defensive, so don’t say anything that could be perceived as critical of them, like, “It’s only thirty days!” Try something like, “I hear you! It’s definitely going to be challenging.” Or keep it light: “I know, I actually googled, ‘hamburger bun replacements’!” And then just leave it alone, because this comment is just an indicator of their own struggles with food.

“That doesn’t sound sustainable.” Remind them that the reset is designed to be a short-term learning experience, not a lifelong set of rules to follow. Tell them that after the 30 days, you’re looking forward to reintroducing the foods that you’ve missed, to see how you might incorporate them back into your healthy lifestyle. If this isn’t your first reset, you can bring in specific examples from your own history. “During my first Whole30, I figured out that dairy really upset my stomach, so now I skip cheese unless it’s a really special dish. Without that reset, I never would have known what was making my belly bloat. And it turns out avoiding cheese really isn’t hard for me, so it’s been a major win in terms of my quality of life.”

“But you don’t need to lose weight.” Even if you’ve clearly explained food freedom as a health- and habit-focused approach, people still equate eating healthier with the desire to slim down. Share your personal reasons for taking on this reset, because it bears repeating: “I’m not doing this for weight loss. I’m truly looking to improve my energy, see if I can figure out what’s upsetting my digestion, and get my cravings under control.” If they’re worried that you can’t afford to lose any weight, explain that because there is no calorie restriction, you’ll make sure you’re eating enough to support your muscle mass and activity levels.

“You’ll be missing out on key nutrients.” This one often comes from someone who read a magazine article on the “dangers” of eating gluten-free or Paleo. Acknowledge that, yes, grains have fiber and dairy has calcium, but you’ll be eating tons of fresh, nutritious food, including lots of vegetables and fruit, and getting a wide variety of vitamins, minerals, and fiber from other healthy sources. You can outline a day of sample meals so they can see how nutritious your reset diet is, or point out that you can get just as much fiber in a half cup of blackberries as two slices of toast. Finally, let them know that your reset is designed to improve your digestion, which means you’ll be better able to absorb the vitamins and minerals in your food.

“But all those things are so healthy!” You may also get specific concerns about cutting out “healthy” foods like low-fat dairy or whole grains. This is where I’ll direct you back to page 34, where I talked about these foods not as “good” or “bad,” but as “unknown for you.” Explain to your conversation partner that there are good things in these foods, but they are also commonly problematic, and you just want to find out how they work for you. If you have a specific symptom or issue, cite that. “My allergies are so bad right now, and I’m wondering if something I’m eating is making them worse.”

“Why does it have to be so all-or-nothing?” This generally comes from people who believe that willpower or moderation is the answer to any body weight or diet concern. I covered this back on page 27, but you’ll want to personalize your response. “If I could eat everything in moderation, I would. But I can’t, because certain foods make me feel totally out of control. This short-term reset is going to help me get a better handle on my cravings and relationship with food, so I will be able to enjoy those things in moderation later, if I want to.” (You can also cite the basics tenets of an elimination diet here, in which the effectiveness depends on 100% compliance during the elimination phase.)

“There goes your social life.” While you may be intimidated at the idea of navigating a restaurant menu, birthday party, or happy hour while on your reset, don’t let ’em see you sweat. “I’m not going to turn into a hermit just because I’m eating healthy, and it’s not going to be that hard. I know exactly what I will and won’t be eating, I’ll do my homework ahead of time, and I won’t make a big deal about it if you won’t. Besides, social events are about getting together with you guys; it doesn’t matter what we’re actually eating.”

“Unless you have celiac, there’s no need to eat gluten-free.” This is a tough one, given some recent mainstream media articles that (erroneously) suggested that gluten sensitivity doesn’t exist outside of celiac disease. Don’t try to out-science them; instead, keep it personal. “I’m not sure whether gluten is an issue for me, but I know that grains in general are problematic for a lot of people, to varying degrees. This plan will help me figure that out. Plus, I like the extra nutrition I’ll be getting by replacing bread and pasta with vegetables and fruit for thirty days.”

Finally, with all these concerns, emphasize there is an elimination and reintroduction phase. “I’m cutting these foods out as part of the experiment, but I am going to bring them back in to see how they affect me. If it’s all good, I can certainly decide to start eating them again.”

Say “can” here, not “will.” Because there’s a very good chance you won’t always want to.

Quote Science Carefully

You may be tempted to quote the latest Science Daily article or that statistic you read in It Starts with Food, but unless biochemistry is your full-time job, steer away from this strategy. First, you can find “science” to back up just about anything you want to prove, which will just provoke a “he said, she said” argument over whether grains truly are heart-healthy. Second, unless you understand all the nuances of the science very well, you’re likely to stumble with follow-up questions, reducing your credibility. Finally, even the strongest scientific research simply can’t compete with your personal experience. Saying, “In this study, grains created transient permeability in the gut” isn’t anywhere near as effective as saying, “When I gave up grains, my shoulder tendinitis went away. When I started eating bread again, it came back. There must be something in grains that makes my shoulder unhappy, so I just don’t eat them.” Drop mic, walk away.

There’s also one bomb-proof, guaranteed-to-work response to all these inquiries, especially if you’re talking to a member of your parents’ generation: “I actually explained the whole thing to my doctor, and she thinks it’s a great program,” or “Don’t worry, I talked to my doctor about this ahead of time.” If you can get your health-care provider on board with the specifics of your reset, it’ll be really hard for anyone else to argue with their professional endorsement. (Plus, you should check with your doctor before you start any new diet or lifestyle program anyway—he or she could even help you choose the best reset for you, given your context.) The Whole30 has some great resources for talking to your doctor about doing the program, written by highly-respected functional medicine practitioner Luc Readinger, MD. Visit whole30.com/tag/talk-to-your-doc for details.

Finally, despite your most valiant efforts, your friends and family may still not understand why you need to do this, or may not agree that it’s a good idea. If you get to this point and people are just not picking up what you’re putting down, fall back. “Well, I appreciate you hearing me out. I still think this is the best thing I could do for my health right now. If you’re interested, I can let you know how it goes when my reset and reintroduction are over—otherwise, you won’t hear me mention it again.”

And then don’t. Your best strategy in this situation is just to do your thing calmly and quietly, without drawing any extra attention to the fact that you’re eating a little differently these days. Recognize that as much as it stinks, these aren’t the people you can count on for support (at least not yet), so find others to lean on. Don’t withdraw socially; show them that you’re the same family member/friend/co-worker regardless of what’s on your plate.

But don’t let anyone push you around, either.

As Buddha famously said, “Do no harm, but take no crap.”

Just Say No (to Peer Pressure)

“Just have one, it won’t kill you.”

“But I made them just for you—they’re your favorite.”

“What, you’re too healthy now to enjoy a donut with the rest of us?”

“Uh oh, hide the chips, here comes Mr. Health Nut.”

During your reset, you may find yourself in a situation where your social status, commitment to your health, and self-confidence are tested in an ugly way. This is just as likely to come from a total stranger, a colleague, or your own mother, and you need to be prepared—beyond exclaiming, “What the hell, Becky, you’re supposed to be my best friend.”

There are a number of reasons why people might give you a hard time when you change your diet to include healthier fare. Identifying where they’re coming from, finding some empathy, and responding without anger or defensiveness can save this exchange of words from turning into a food fight and keep you on track with your healthy-eating plan.

Concern for you. Your family, friends, and co-workers may genuinely be concerned for your health or sanity on this plan, especially if you didn’t get the chance to talk to them about the details of the plan up front. They may have witnessed you jumping from diet to diet in the past, getting excited about each new plan, then watching your self-esteem plummet (and your waistline expand) when the latest and greatest just doesn’t work long term. It’s understandable that they don’t want to see you go through that again.

If they’re worried about you cutting out whole food groups, becoming obsessed with your body weight, or falling prey to yet another fad diet, educate them on how a reset is different. Emphasize that this isn’t a quick fix or a Band-Aid, and it’s not about weight loss—you’ll be focusing on your habits and emotional relationship with food. Outline a sample day of meals or flash some photos of what you’ve been eating to show them you’re not starving, and the food isn’t actually weird.

What do you mean, you haven’t been taking pictures of your food? Those baked chicken thighs with creamy tarragon dressing over charred leeks aren’t going to Instagram themselves, you know.

They may also feel bad for you because you’re missing out on all the fun foods they get to eat. They may assume you feel deprived, are always ravenous, or feel left out when everyone orders a beer and you’re drinking water.

Don’t lie about this.

If you say, “Oh, no, I would much rather eat a grilled chicken salad than pizza, and I don’t even miss beer,” it’s going to come off as inauthentic, because it’s probably not true. So be honest, but reassure them, too.

You’re not being waterboarded, you’re just drinking your coffee black.

Try saying something like, “You know, I do have cravings, and yes, it’s hard when everyone is drinking beer and I have water. But most of the time, I feel really great. I know this is only a short-term experiment, and I’m already feeling more energetic and less bloated, which is really motivating me to stick to it.”

Defensiveness. Remember when I said you can make people feel bad about what they’re doing just by doing what you’re doing? Picture this: You roll up to the lunch table at work and pull out your leftover peppers stuffed with ground chicken, sweet onions, roasted tomatoes, and cauliflower rice. And a small container of homemade pesto. And a bottle of kombucha. They’re all eating cold pizza and drinking soda. It’s like Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club showing up to detention with sushi in her lunch box. Then the comments come rolling in.

“Oh, don’t look at my soda, it’ll make your pancreas hurt.”

“It must be nice to have all that time to cook.”

“Want some pizza? Of course you don’t!”

Your own healthy food choices and commitment to change acts as an unintentional mirror, reflecting their own poor choices back at them. And sometimes their ensuing frustration will be taken out on you. It’s enough to make you want to eat alone at your desk . . . but you shouldn’t. Try to remember: This isn’t about you, it’s about them and their discomfort with their own less-than-healthy habits. It’s not like you’re being judgmental, critical, or preachy about your new healthy diet and their less-than-stellar habits.

Wait, you’re not, right?

Mirror Check

Take a good, hard look at this one. Are you, perhaps, being a little judge-y or preachy with these folks, even if you mean well? Comments like “I bet you’d like sparkling water just as much as soda,” or “I had no idea how gross pizza was making me feel until I stopped eating it” may be intended as helpful, but will only come across as passive-aggressive, especially if your dining-mates are already feeling a little uncomfortable with their choices. The best policy here is still not to talk about food over food, and never to offer anyone unsolicited advice on their dietary habits. Like, ever. Just don’t.

Your strategy here is a one-two punch: deflect, then change the subject. Make it clear that their food choices aren’t even on your radar, and there are much more interesting things to talk about than what’s on everyone’s plate. It sounds like this: “Ha! Don’t you worry about my pancreas. How did your presentation go?” Or “Yeah, this is one of my favorite meals these days. Did your son win his soccer game?” Or “No, thanks, but I do want to hear all about your date last night.”

It’s quick. It’s direct. You’re not getting defensive or responding with something that could stoke the fire even more. (Like, don’t say, “I make time to cook, Karen. I have the same twenty-four hours as you.” Even if you want to. Be the bigger person here.) If they repeat their remarks, stick to your strategy, ignore or deflect, and change the subject. If it gets really bad or they start ganging up on you, excuse yourself for a minute to get some water, check a text, or use the bathroom. Buy yourself some space, let the conversation move on, and return with a pleasant remark.

Feeling left behind or jealous. This one is especially common with women and their girlfriends but can happen with any group or pairing where food plays a big part in your relationship. Maybe you always meet for drinks after work, or have an indulgent weekly brunch date, or a habit of breaking out the ice cream when discussing your dating troubles. Now that you’re changing your diet, these people feel like they may be tossed out right along with the wine/French toast/Rocky Road—as if your friendship or relationship can’t survive without a solid foundation of comfort food and treats.

They may also be plain old jealous of both your newfound motivation and the attention you may be getting as the result of your efforts. To the outside world, your dedication is impressive and your enthusiasm is contagious; even your lunches are envy-worthy these days. Not to mention that you’re looking leaner, your skin is glowing, you’ve got more confidence, and you’ve started chatting up that cute I.T. tech at lunch.

What if people start paying all this attention to you? What if you decide you need new friends who are just as health-conscious as you? What if you start doing triathlons?

It’s all terrifying, and your friends, family, or co-workers might not handle these fears well. The comments may sound a lot like defensiveness: “I wish I could afford to shop at the health food store” or “Yeah, it’d be easier if I still lived at home like you do.” They may also try to bring you down to size or remind you that you haven’t always been so healthy—low blows that could jeopardize your growth mind-set. It might sound like this:

“You’ve lost some weight, maybe . . .”

“You’re not as fun when you’re not drinking.”

“Don’t forget that just last month you pigged out on nachos, too.”

“You’re just not the same now that you’re doing this new diet.”

Ouch. Just remember, the peanut gallery comments aren’t about you, they’re about the peanut gallery and their own fears, insecurities, and unhappiness with their own habits.

They’re coming from a highly emotional place, and all you can do is reassure them through your words and actions and maintain as “normal” a friendship as you can while they get used to your new dietary habits and healthy lifestyle. Move interactions with these people away from food and into other areas of shared interest. Don’t meet for lunch; schedule a pedicure, a trip to the bookstore, a basketball game, or a hike instead. (Make sure it’s actually a shared interest—suggesting you go to a yoga class when the other person doesn’t know down-dog from a hot dog isn’t going to help your cause.) This will help you avoid the highly charged environment of a restaurant or dining room table, and give you time and space to reinforce all the other ways you two can connect and have fun.

Then just keep on keepin’ on, and in the meantime, continue to be the best friend, family member, or co-worker you can. Work extra-hard not to let your dietary changes get in the way of your friendship, because then your critics will be justified in resenting your new habits. “I’d love to go to dinner, but it’s so hard to go out with this new diet” isn’t going to win you any points, and it only reinforces the idea that you really are changing the course of your friendship. Accept invitations for drinks, and just matter-of-factly order water. Enjoy the birthday party, but pass on the cake. Have people over for dinner, cook them a delicious meal, and don’t even mention this is how you’re eating every day on this new “diet.” Once they see that your relationship isn’t going to change just because you’re eating healthy foods, things should get back normal.

Fear of rejection. Remember when I said food isn’t just food; it’s also love, and sometimes the only way two people have been able to bond or come together? Now imagine that Mom’s cookies, Gram’s lasagna, and your co-worker’s Friday morning “I brought bagels!” are no longer a conduit for connection because they’re not part of your reset. Cue hurt feelings, withdrawal of affection, and lots of taking it personally.

You’re just declining their offer of food, but it feels like you’re rejecting them.

This is especially hard with mothers, because your history with your parents and food are long-standing, habits are well established, and patterns are subconscious. You don’t think about the fact that your mom bakes for you when she’s feeling neglected, or needs to have a hard conversation, or just wants to feel like she’s still your mom even though you moved out years ago. It’s what she’s always done, and all of a sudden you’re saying no to her emotion-frosted peanut butter cookies.

Chances are, the folks who will feel personally rejected when you change your diet have their own dysfunctional relationships with eating. They can’t separate the foods they make you from the emotions or connections they foster, and they may be insecure enough in your relationship to feel like their food is necessary for you to love them back.

Your job here is to gently remind them otherwise.

First, if you haven’t already, be specific about why you’re passing on these foods during your reset. Make it as personal as is appropriate for your relationship. With moms, get into it. Show her that you can connect through authenticity and vulnerability, not just cookies. “Mom, I still love your cookies, but I’ve been totally out of control with my sugar consumption. Even when I tell myself ‘not tonight,’ I can’t stop eating ice cream or chocolate. It makes me feel awful about myself, and it’s really hurting my self-esteem. I’m doing this reset so I can get back in control and enjoy things like your cookies without going totally off the rails, but that means passing on them for now.”

Explain your reasoning in a way that shows your common ground, like a shared frustration with allergies, energy levels, joint pain, or sleep quality. Tell her how your struggles are making you feel, opening up to her in a way that creates a shared bond. Remind her that your reset diet isn’t forever—it’s just a short-term experiment to help you figure out how these foods are affecting you. And if you’re already experiencing benefits from your reset, share that, too! Let her know you’re missing these foods, but the results so far are encouraging you to stick with it.

Then find other ways to connect: Play a game, go for a walk, schedule a spa day, attend a sporting event, go play outside, watch a movie—anything that you both enjoy that doesn’t have to do with less-healthy food. If cooking and eating are significant areas of bonding for you, keep doing that—just suggest a different meal. “I’m passing on lasagna right now, but your chicken cacciatore has always been a favorite. Can you make that for me instead?” (Or better yet, offer to make it together.)

Finally, do stay connected. If their primary fear is rejection, disappearing for weeks at a time during your reset isn’t going to help your situation. Make an effort here. Send photos of your hike, the last book you read, or a recipe that you’d both enjoy. E-mail status updates on how good you’re feeling and the non-scale victories you’re racking up. Schedule visits, make time for short chats, send cards in the mail—anything to reinforce the idea that your relationship isn’t dependent on food.

Threat Level: Orange

Sometimes, all the patience, empathy, and consideration in the world won’t derail your friends, family, or co-workers from being jerk-faces about your new healthy habits. I hope you never encounter this, but here’s what you might experience:

  • They’re constantly tempting you with things you “can’t” eat or drink.
  • They purposefully try to make you feel bad for declining their offers of less-healthy fare.
  • They go out of their way to make you feel different or weird for your eating habits.
  • They always choose social locations that are not conducive to your health concerns, like pizza parlors or the local bar.
  • When dining at their homes, they never prepare options that you can enjoy (or bother asking if there is anything special you need).

What the hell, Becky?

If this is what’s happening, your first inclination may be to launch a full-scale defense, but that move is guaranteed to continue the conflict. Let’s just start off small by first repeating the original tactic I outlined: evade and redirect. Let them know your food choices are not up for discussion at the table. Then immediately change the subject. You can make it light, like, “I’m just trying to keep the grilled chicken people in business. Did anyone see the game last night?” You can speak plainly: “I really don’t like talking about food over food. Let’s just enjoy the meal—has anyone seen the new Superman movie?” You can be really up front: “I get it, you don’t understand my new diet, but now is not the time to talk about it. Dad, how’s the lawn coming along?”

This should at least get you through the meal, after which you can field questions in a more relaxed environment using all the techniques I’ve outlined in this book. Unless people are really dense. Or really mad at you for being so grossly healthy. Or if they’ve been drinking, in which case, you may need to take it a step further and address their rude behavior. If that’s what you’re forced to do, be direct, and be impassive. Say your piece, and then let it rest. Resist the urge to hammer them with example after example. Do not point out their own dietary shortcomings or actually call them jerk-faces. Try these:

You: “Every time I come out to eat with you, you give me a hard time about what I order. That’s not cool. I don’t care what you eat, and I expect you not to criticize me, either.”

“You may not want to do what I’m doing, but I told you I’m in this for the full thirty days. Stop trying to get me to break my commitment—that’s not okay.”

“You know I’m not drinking this month, and I don’t appreciate the high school–style peer pressure. Give it a rest, because I’m here to socialize and have fun, just like you.”

Calling them out (especially if it’s in front of others in your group) may be enough to get them to acknowledge their behavior and stop . . . or it might not do anything at all. Either way, do your best to keep your cool here, because if you come back with, “You know why I’m not drinking, Tom? Because it makes you LOUD AND ANNOYING,” chances are you two aren’t going to be BFFs for much longer. Which may not be a bad thing, because Tom isn’t being a very good friend anyway.

If all else fails, again, be prepared to fall back. Are they really a valued friend or colleague if they won’t respect your wishes and are constantly trying to undermine your efforts? I don’t care how committed and self-confident you’re feeling now; day after day after day of pressure and criticism like this will eventually get to you, and could compromise all the progress you’ve made.

Don’t let that happen.

You are responsible for your own success here, and sometimes that means cutting people out of your life who just want to weigh you down. Hopefully, it’s only temporary, and they’ll realize they weren’t being very supportive and come back around with a better attitude. Just remember one thing:

It’s not you.

You’re not the weird one, you’re not the un-fun one, you’re not the one spoiling the party by passing on the sangria. You should never feel bad about taking steps to make yourself healthier, and you should never let anyone (friend or otherwise) tell you differently.

There’s also nothing wrong with making some new like-minded friends. As your hobbies and interests change, it’s only natural that your circle of friends will expand to accommodate your new lifestyle. Look for people who are supportive and encouraging of your efforts, enjoy the same healthy pursuits, and will reinforce your growth mind-set. You can find these future friends anywhere and everywhere: in the gym, at the beach, on a hike, at a sporting event, or dining at the table next to you. (Restaurants—especially packed ones with closely set tables or places with communal seating—are the perfect way to connect; if the plate of the person next to you looks like yours, strike up a conversation.) Get comfortable chatting up strangers—it’s not as hard as it sounds. “Burger no bun, that’s how I order mine, too. Is this your go-to place for burgers?” or “I’m always looking for new hikes, what are some of your favorites?” are great conversation-openers and may lead you to a new friend or, at the very least, some new, healthy resources in your community.

Go Virtual

Remember, when reality bites, you can boost your support system virtually by connecting with people through online forums, Facebook groups, and social media feeds. While these Interweb friends can’t replace the oxytocin-boosting, stress-modulating impact of real-life social interaction, the more people you have in your corner, the better—especially if your corner at home is feeling kind of empty these days.

How Not to Win Friends and Influence People

You’ve been following all these strategies for communicating your food freedom hopes to the people you love. You’re speaking from the heart, inviting them to witness your transformation and share in the health and happiness you’ve found through the process. These are magical moments, not unlike those feminine protection commercials where two besties run hand in hand through a sunlit field of daisies. Or something.

Sometimes, though, you try so hard to share your authentic experience with others that you turn your reset into a big ol’ bummer for everyone around you—and invite the very pushback you are trying to avoid. The worst part is, you don’t even realize you’re doing it; all you know is that you’re feeling even more isolated and anxious around food. So before we close this chapter out, let’s talk about the ways you may be the one messing this thing up, and how to maybe not do that, m’kay?

Complain carefully. In an effort to “be real” and share your authentic experience—the good stuff and the not-so-good stuff—you turn into a giant complainer, making everyone in your life hate the very idea of food freedom and prompting communal eye-rolling any time you get around food. During happy hour: “I miss wine so much.” At family dinner: “That lasagna looks so good. I’ll just eat my salad and be sad.” At the birthday party: “I really want cake, but I have two more days on my reset, so I can’t.” Womp womp.

Yes, you’re being authentic, but “authentic” doesn’t mean “verbally vomit every thought inside your head RIGHT THIS MINUTE.” You may think you’re just keeping it real by letting them know that sometimes it’s hard, but all you’re doing is making your reset sound Debbie Downer miserable, and reinforcing their preconceived notions that this new “diet” is nothing but hanger and deprivation.

Lesson: Whine with caution. It’s okay to grumble during difficult moments, but be judicious about where, when, and with whom you choose to share those thoughts. Find someone who is already supportive of your efforts, and let her know up front that you’re just venting—the majority of the time, you love what your reset is bringing you. Type out your temper tantrums in an online forum or Facebook group full of people who have been there, done that, and will understand that sometimes, it sucks. Or journal your innermost negative thoughts, because getting it down on paper is often enough to make you feel better. Finally, yes to sharing authentically, but no to dropping your temporary frustrations on an unprepared party, especially if they’re not around to see all the moments throughout the day when you’re actually really happy with your chosen path. You don’t want to give them the wrong idea of food freedom, especially if you hope they’ll someday join you in the journey.

Don’t be preachy. You love your reset. You love it SO MUCH. And you think everyone in the whole world should do it, because it will change their life, too. So you tell them. Everyone. Anyone. All the time. You turn into a one-man (or woman) food freedom fanatic, because in your enthusiasm you really think you’re being oh so helpful.

It’s probably totally coincidental that your co-workers are always rushing back to their desks as soon as you walk into the breakroom.

While your intentions are good, constantly suggesting that your loved ones would look and feel much better if they only did what you are doing only pushes them further away. Keep it up, and you’ll eventually find yourself totally isolated, because people don’t want to socialize with you if you’re always criticizing their food choices, acting smug with your healthy plate, or giving them solutions to problems they’re not ready to admit they have.

Lesson: You can’t do it for them, and the only person you are responsible for in this process is you. Lead by quiet example. Let your reset results speak for themselves. Have compassion, because you know how hard it is to address your health, habits, and relationship with food. Let them come to you—and if they don’t, that’s none of your business anyway. This can be hard when the person you love is clearly struggling, but there are more effective ways of being supportive than shoving your belief system (and lettuce wraps) down their throats.

Stop apologizing. In an effort to be accommodating, you find yourself apologizing for your “weird diet” at every turn. You offer lengthy explanations for why you’re not helping yourself to a bagel, ordering a glass of wine, or having dessert. You hold up the entire table by thanking the waiter profusely for accommodating your difficult order. Every time food appears, you tense up, waiting for everyone’s eyes to move to your plate. You really don’t want to be “that person.”

Except no one cares what you’re eating, or not eating. In fact, you’re the only one making a big deal about it, and you’re actually making things uncomfortable for everyone. Your behavior draws people’s attention to you and your food, and instead of coming across as gracious, people will think you’re not satisfied with your choices, and that taking on a reset makes socializing really difficult.

Lesson: Get comfortable with the idea that this is just how you’re eating. The vegetarian doesn’t apologize profusely for ordering a salad, the nonsmoker doesn’t justify his refusal of a cigarette, and you don’t need to say a thing when ordering sparkling water instead of wine. Thank your waiter for getting your “add this, none of that” order right (a generous tip works here) or your co-worker for remembering to order fruit along with bagels for your business meeting, but understand that you have nothing to apologize for. Show everyone that you can eat well and enjoy social occasions effortlessly, even if you have to fake the “effortless” part for a while. (Speaking of socializing . . . )

Get out there. You are rocking your reset. Making good food choices feels effortless; you’ve settled into an easy routine of shopping, meal prep, and cooking; and you’re racking up non-scale victories left and right. Everything is so good, in fact, that you don’t want to tempt fate—so you find reasons to avoid happy hour, dinner parties, and brunch invitations. You eat at your desk rather than in the breakroom, where leftover pastries from the management meeting beckon. You’d love to visit your mom, but her house is full of temptation, so you put it off for another week. In fact, you put off all your socializing for just another week, or maybe two . . . just until you’re feeling more secure in your food freedom.

Except now you’ve completely isolated yourself, demonstrating to friends and family that food freedom is actually a prison sentence, reinforcing the notion that doing a reset is incompatible with socializing, and making it clear that sticking to the plan is more important than your relationships.

Lesson: It’s not exactly “freedom” if you place yourself in solitary confinement. Not only that—how are you supposed to learn how to stick to your reset in the real world if you’re never out there in the real world? Tough love time: Don’t be such a scaredy-cat. Food (or your friends and family) aren’t out to get you, and you’ve got a dozen strategies for talking to others about the program. Don’t deprive yourself of the fun—get out there and socialize! Bonus: In-person socialization is a powerful moderator of stress, which means the benefits you’ll get from laughing, talking, and dining with those you love can help you relax into your reset that much more.

To Be Continued . . . in Life After

Congratulations! Your reset and reintroduction are over, and you’ve been successful in sharing your journey with those closest to you, recruiting their support and sharing all the benefits of your healthy-eating intervention.

Now comes the hard part.

Dealing with family and friends during your reset is actually pretty easy compared to life after. During your reset, you have a clear set of rules to follow, with little to no gray area. You’ve got the science of an elimination diet backing you up, and a reintroduction plan as reassurance that these food choices aren’t set in stone forever. And if push comes to shove and you find yourself under serious pressure, just blame me. “Look, I committed to this, but that woman who wrote the book has eyes everywhere, so I am not going out to a glass of cheap wine.”

I will neither confirm nor deny that I see all, but #WWMHD (What Would Melissa Hartwig Do) is an actual thing.

After your reset, however, you’ll no longer have the rules, your 30-day commitment, or me to fall back on. This is the best part of your journey (enjoying your food freedom), but also the hardest to explain to others.

Happily, I can help you here, too.