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Jessa lay on her back, staring at the ceiling above her bed, hoping it might say something or do something, or anything. Something to break the monotony; a monotony she had created for herself. No! She hadn’t, Jason had. He had been the one to suggest she was bitter. He was the one who used the name of him. The fiend. The rascal. The, the, the...
She curled up into a tight ball. The most wonderful man she had ever met and would ever meet, and now he had run after another woman. A woman who looked like someone he would have mocked a month before and now he was courting her?
A quiet tap, tap came through her door. “Who is it?”
“Jason. May I come in?”
“No.”
“I have something for you. I only want to talk for a short time.”
“No.”
Jason’s sigh could be heard even through the door. “Very well. I have a letter here written by Claire and myself. I know you don’t want to hear from me, but I couldn’t let you keep going on like this. Jessa, please read the letter. If you still wish to never speak to me, I can live with that.”
Jessa’s heart clenched and leaped at the same time. She missed her brother. He could be rather troublesome at times, but she still remembered the night he had let her cry on his shoulder. How could he care for her so much when she had said barely a kind word to him since he had come back?
Her stomach knotted up and she blinked back tears. “Slide it under the door and go away.”
A scratching, scraping noise came from the door, and the light of her candle reflected off of a piece of paper. Jessa gulped and propped herself up on her elbows to get a slightly better look.
“Goodnight, Jessa. Sleep well and know I think of and pray for you often.”
Goodnight, Jason. She couldn’t bring herself to say the words. Jason’s footsteps faded as he left her door.
Jessa stared at the letter. She wanted to throw it into the fire, but she also wanted to pick up the letter and read what Claire and Jason said. She sat up straight, never keeping her eyes off the paper half under the door.
A door down the hall shut, and Jessa glanced at the clock. Half past ten. She needed to sleep. The letter could wait until morning. Maybe then she would be thinking more clearly.
***
She tossed and turned most of the night, the letter calling out to her silently. As first light appeared on the horizon, she fell into a fitful sleep until a sunbeam shone directly in her eyes. She groaned and rolled carefully out of her bed, splashed some cold water on her face, and stumbled toward the wardrobe to pick out her dress. The light gray, the lavender, or the dark gray.
She chose the lavender for a spot of color in her dreary days. As she turned toward her door, the white under it caught her eye and sudden memories of the restless night flooded back along with her brother’s words. Jessa bent over, picked up the paper, and sat on the edge of her bed.
Five minutes later, she had read the letter twice. A gambler? And one who was in debt? One whose father wouldn’t let him have any more money?
Tears streamed down her face. Had Jason made this up? Jessa’s stomach clenched. No, he wouldn’t do something like that. He was too honest for that. Honest to a fault. Something she had always liked about him. One of many things. But this letter.
Jessa shook her head. She needed to eat. Maybe she could process things better then.
***
Jessamine read the letter over a dozen times the next two days. Claire and Jason seemed so sincere. Could they be right about God?
“No!” She threw the letter out of her hand, but it didn’t do enough, so she picked up the nearest object. The book thudded against the wall. Tears streamed down her face as she ran down the stairs, out the kitchen door, and into the woods behind the house. She ran and ran, not caring about the thorns and branches ripping her skirts. Once a good distance from her home, she collapsed to her knees, buried her head in her hands, and sobbed.
Why did everything have to be so confusing? Why couldn’t men be honorable? Why couldn’t life be simple? If God was real, why couldn’t He make things easier? If they were easier, she could believe He existed.
Her sobs quit suddenly. Or did she have things the wrong way around? She hadn’t given God a thought until Sidney rejected her. Now she was. Her head ached from thinking so hard.
Jessa knelt on the ground and looked through the trees. “God, if You’re out there, I want to understand, but I don’t. I don’t even know if You are real. I want to believe You are, but I don’t know if I can.”
She sighed. “Is it too much to ask You to make Yourself known to me somehow?” She paused and waited. After a few long minutes, she stood up and brushed off her skirt. “I thought so. Well, I guess all I can do now is go home and...” She saw her skirt for the first time. “Ugh. I guess I’ll go home and try to repair my dress.”
The trip home took longer than the one there as she tried to figure out where to go and how to get home. She stumbled through the brush and trees, making the dress more and more irreparable. When she arrived home, she slowly opened the kitchen door, peeking in to see if her mother was there. She wasn’t. She tiptoed through the kitchen and dining room and then down the hall. She made it to her room undetected and once inside, she finally started breathing again.
***
Two days later, Jessa walked through town aimlessly. Both of her friends were indisposed, and she had nothing to shop for. She reached the edge of town and turned around. As she made her way back, she saw a familiar form walking toward her.
Her throat clenched. She couldn’t talk to him. Not now. Not with her mind so confused and her anger ready to rise to the surface. She looked up and down the street. No way to cross. Maybe if she kept her head down, he wouldn’t recognize her.
She kept walking. He approached too quickly.
“Jessa?”
His voice still so smooth, so deep, so... She swallowed hard and stopped to look at him. “What do you want, Sidney?”
He pursed his lips. “I’m sorry.”
Jessa narrowed her eyes. “That’s all you have to say? What exactly are you sorry about?”
“Everything. I should have told you I wouldn’t be coming anymore. I should have come straight with you about everything. I should have stopped when I could have a long time ago. Now I’ve lost both of you.”
“What do you mean?”
Sidney ran his fingers through his hair. “She told me to stop calling on her. She saw through me. She knew I was after the money rather than her.”
“It isn’t hard to tell that, Sidney.”
Sidney gritted his teeth. “I thought I hid it well.”
“A woman always knows when she’s being used.”
“Did you?”
Jessa’s mouth went dry. “No, but I thought what we had was real.”
Sidney at least had the courtesy to look away. “It was, I think. At least at first.”
“But not the whole time?”
He pursed his lips. “I don’t know.”
Jessamine clenched her jaw. “Good day, Mr. DeBois. I hope you enjoy your miserable life.” She stepped around him.
As she passed by, he grabbed her arm lightly. “Before you go, I do have a favor.”
“No.”
“Please, just hear me out. I know I hurt you badly and I’m sorry. I really did—and do—like you. I want to see where our relationship could go and if we could return to what we were before I messed things up. Can we at least be friends?”
Jessa wrenched her arm out of his grip. “Absolutely not. After what you did, I don’t ever want to see you again. Good day and good riddance.” She marched away quickly, reaching home faster than she ever had before, nearly bowled Jason over, and rushed to her room. She collapsed onto her bed and sobbed her heart out—again—until she fell asleep.