WEDNESDAY CAME. Jess had already made her decision. She sat out in the paddock with her elbows on her knees, forcing herself to breathe evenly. The springtime smells of freshly cut pasture and wattle flowers, mixed with horse, wafted up her nostrils and a tractor spluttered somewhere across the valley. She closed her eyes, savouring the warmth of the early-morning sun on her face. It seemed all wrong that it could be such a beautiful day.
Beside her, Diamond grazed on the soft new grass. Rip, rip, chew – it was a familiar sound that helped Jess feel calm. The pony nibbled closer and closer until she was snuffling at Jess’s lap. She smiled and rubbed the pony’s forehead. ‘Diamond.’ She put her face against the pony’s cheek. ‘I love you so much, little girl.’
She glanced at her watch: half an hour to go.
Diamond shifted her weight from one bandaged leg to the other and closed her eyes to chew, as though she too just wanted to stay in this moment.
Caroline burst out of the flyscreen door, buttoning a threadbare flannelette shirt above her sarong. ‘Crikey, Jess, John’s here already!’ she called. John Duggan’s car rumbled down the dirt road and slowed before turning into the driveway.
Jess stood and put her arms around her pony’s neck. She buried her face into Diamond’s mane.
She heard a car door open and then slam.
I can’t do this.
Footsteps.
A soft voice.
‘You okay, matey?’
Jess pulled her head out of Diamond’s mane and looked directly into John’s eyes. They were kind and wise, and she trusted them. ‘I’m doing the right thing, aren’t I?’ She had to be absolutely sure.
‘Yes, I think it’s the right thing, if you really care about her. She’ll always be in pain, and that pain will only get worse.’
Jess nodded. A cold, sinking feeling pushed down on her, making her feel heavy and stiff.
John put a hand on her shoulder. ‘What do you want to do? Would you like your mum to take you up to the house?’
‘No, I want to stay.’
John glanced across at Caroline.
‘She’s okay,’ said Caroline. ‘We made this decision together, didn’t we, Jess?’
Jess nodded and looked down at the ground. If she made eye contact with anyone right now, she would fall to pieces. She led Diamond slowly to the old coachwood tree at the top of the garden.
John stood with his feet apart and his hands behind his back. ‘There are two needles,’ he said. ‘As soon as I give her the second one she’ll be gone. It’s very quick and she won’t feel a thing. She’ll be gone before she reaches the ground.’ He paused. ‘Okay?’
‘Yep,’ she whispered. Her heart slammed against her ribs.
‘All right, here we go,’ said John softly. ‘Is this where you’d like her to rest?’
Jess nodded. Her heart felt as though it were trying to jump out of her body. She concentrated on breathing.
‘Here we go, little one,’ said John, giving Diamond a pat and then, with his hand cupped under the pony’s neck, he pressed his thumb onto her jugular to distend the vein.
Jess’s eyes froze on John’s hand as he inserted a needle. Blood dripped onto the ground.
‘It’s okay; it’s just a little blood. I’m putting the syringe on now.’ John hooked the syringe onto the needle and pressed the plunger. Then he pulled the syringe off, hooked a second one on and injected the final dose. ‘There we go, little girl,’ he said, as he took the halter from Jess and eased Diamond to her knees and onto the soft earth.
‘I love you, Diamond!’ Jess cried, as her pony gave a last long exhalation, then lay motionless. Jess’s knees buckled and she lay over Diamond’s warm body, her face against the pony’s neck. She could hear an eerie distant whine, like a helium balloon deflating across a room; it was coming from her own lungs.
‘It’s okay, darlin’.’ Caroline knelt beside her. ‘Breathe in and out slowly. You’re hyperventilating. It’s okay. She’s out of pain now. We couldn’t have her in pain.’
Jess concentrated on her breathing and began to feel calmer. A strange nothingness settled over her. ‘Oh, Mum, she’s really gone.’
She laid her cheek on Diamond’s neck. It was so still.