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Lev
I press my hand to the small of her back as we stare at the snow leopard’s enclosure blanketed by white powder. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”
“She’s always been my favorite.”
“I know.” I let out a heavy breath and a thick cloud of fog fills the air between us. “I come every day. Sometimes more than once.”
“Why?”
I shrug. “I remember how much you loved it here when we were kids, and that you’ve spent every one of your birthdays here since you were seven years old.”
If she’s surprised by my admission, she doesn’t let on. Instead, her face shuts down into the ice-cold Cub I know and love. “So, you’ve really been this close this whole time? We’ve been worried sick every second you’ve been gone ...” Her voice breaks on the words and she clears her throat, takes a deep breath, and hurries on before I can respond. “And not once did you think to pick up the phone?”
“It was easier this way.”
“For whom?” she shouts and glances at a couple and their toddler braving the cold. The parents throw awkward stares our way. “For you? Because it sure wasn’t easy for me, or Saint, or King, or any one of us.”
“I couldn’t call you.”
“Why?”
“Because I wouldn’t have been able to stay away.” I scrub a hand over my stubble and glance at the ground. When my eyes meet hers again, I’m sure she sees my plea. Don’t push me further. “I needed a clean break.”
“What about what I needed? I was broken, Lev. You ruined me, that tape ruined me, and you didn’t even care enough to stick around.”
“You had The Royals. I made Justin go away, didn’t I?”
“I didn’t have you! I needed you!” Tears spill from her lashes and she closes her eyes. “I had Saint, and I had my friends, but I didn’t have the man I love because he left me the moment my life fell apart.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you?” She frowns, exasperated. “Does it change anything?”
I don’t answer. I just hold her gaze, wishing I could go back in time to avoid hurting her this way.
“You’re not ever coming home, are you?”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because nothing has changed. We can’t be together, Scout.”
“Scout? I’m not Cub anymore?”
“You hated that nickname.”
“Things change.”
“And some things don’t.” I rake a hand through my hair, exasperated, angry, hurt, and sorry, so fucking sorry I ever touched her. “I’m not the guy you need.”
“So what? You’re the guy I want. I love you, despite everything, despite knowing I shouldn’t. I love you. I’d give my last breath for you. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“Go home, Scout. Nav will be home soon. He’ll be right next door, and he’ll need you more than ever.”
“I don’t want Nav. I want you.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t want you.”
I shake my head. “I don’t believe you.”
“Ah, Cub, you always were a narcissist. Look, we had something, but it’s just too much like hard work, you know? You’re young, and I’m—”
“An asshole. Don’t you dare patronize me. You took everything, all my firsts, all my heart, and you walked away. You don’t mean any of this. I can see it in your damn eyes.”
“And you deserve better, so I’m giving you that. Go home. Date the quarterback. Date the whole fucking school if you want to, just forget about me.”
“I hate you. I wish I’d never fucking met you,” she snaps, her tears flowing freely down her face. “You’re a coward, Lev Fox.”
I smile, because she’s right, because even now, even when she hates me so much her heart is ripping in two, she loves me. I can live through months and years without her. I can bear seeing her with my brother again. I can take it so long as I know this one simple fact. For a brief moment in time, Scout Taylor was mine. She loved me, even when she hated me.