Act I, Scene ii

Enter GUARDIANO, FABRITIO, and LIVIA [and SERVANT]

GUARDIANO
What, has your daughter seen him yet? Know you that?
FABRITIO
No matter, she shall love him.
GUARDIANO     Nay, let’s have fair play,
He has been now my ward some fifteen year,
And ’tis my purpose – as time calls upon me –
By custom seconded, and such moral virtues,	5
To tender him a wife. Now, sir, this wife
I’d fain elect out of a daughter of yours.
You see my meaning’s fair; if now this daughter
So tendered – let me come to your own phrase, sir –
Should offer to refuse him, I were hanselled.	10
[Aside] Thus am I fain to calculate all my words
For the meridian of a foolish old man,
To take his understanding! [To him] What do you answer, sir?
FABRITIO
I say still she shall love him.
GUARDIANO     Yet again?
And shall she have no reason for this love?	15
FABRITIO
Why, do you think that women love with reason?
GUARDIANO
[Aside] I perceive fools are not at all hours foolish,
No more than wise men wise.
FABRITIO     I had a wife,
She ran mad for me; she had no reason for’t,
For aught I could perceive. What think you,	20
Lady sister?
GUARDIANO [Aside] ’Twas a fit match that,
Being both out of their wits. [To him] A loving wife, it seemed,
She strove to come as near you as she could.
FABRITIO
And if her daughter prove not mad for love too,
She takes not after her; nor after me,	25
If she prefer reason before my pleasure.
[To LIVIA] You’re an experienced widow, lady sister,
I pray let your opinion come amongst us.
LIVIA
I must offend you then, if truth will do’t,
And take my niece’s part, and call’t injustice	30
To force her love to one she never saw.
Maids should both see, and like – all little enough;
If they love truly after that, ’tis well.
Counting the time, she takes one man till death,
That’s a hard task, I tell you; but one may	35
Enquire at three years’ end amongst young wives,
And mark how the game goes.
FABRITIO     Why, is not man
Tied to the same observance, lady sister,
And in one woman?
LIVIA     ’Tis enough for him;
Besides, he tastes of many sundry dishes	40
That we poor wretches never lay our lips to –
As obedience, forsooth, subjection, duty, and such kickshaws,
All of our making, but served in to them.
And if we lick a finger then sometimes
We are not to blame: your best cooks use it.	45
FABRITIO
Th’art a sweet lady, sister, and a witty –
LIVIA
A witty! Oh the bud of commendation
Fit for a girl of sixteen! I am blown, man,
I should be wise by this time – and for instance,
I have buried my two husbands in good fashion,	50
And never mean more to marry.
GUARDIANO     No, why so, lady?
LIVIA
Because the third shall never bury me.
I think I am more than witty; how think you, sir?
FABRITIO
I have paid often fees to a counsellor
Has had a weaker brain.
LIVIA     Then I must tell you,	55
Your money was soon parted.
GUARDIANO [To FABRITIO]      Light her now, brother!
LIVIA
Where is my niece? Let her be sent for straight.
[Exit SERVANT]
If you have any hope ’twill prove a wedding,
’Tis fit i’faith she should have one sight of him,
And stop upon’t, and not be joined in haste,	60
As if they went to stock a new-found land.
FABRITIO
Look out her uncle, and y’are sure of her,
Those two are nev’r asunder: they’ve been heard
In argument at midnight, moonshine nights
Are noondays with them; they walk out their sleeps,	65
Or rather at those hours appear like those
That walk in ’em, for so they did to me.
Look you, I told you truth; they’re like a chain,
Draw but one link, all follows.

Enter HIPPOLITO and ISABELLA the niece

GUARDIANO     Oh affinity,
What piece of excellent workmanship art thou!	70
’Tis work clean wrought, for there’s no lust, but love in’t,
And that abundantly; when in stranger things
There is no love at all, but what lust brings.
FABRITIO
[To ISABELLA] On with your mask, for ’tis your part to see now,
And not be seen. Go to, make use of your time;	75
See what you mean to like; nay, and I charge you,
Like what you see. Do you hear me? There’s no dallying.
The gentleman’s almost twenty, and ’tis time
He were getting lawful heirs, and you a-breeding on ’em.
ISABELLA
Good father!
FABRITIO     Tell not me of tongues and rumours!	80
You’ll say the gentleman is somewhat simple –
The better for a husband, were you wise,
For those that marry fools, live ladies’ lives.
On with the mask, I’ll hear no more, he’s rich;
The fool’s hid under bushels. [ISABELLA puts on mask]	85
LIVIA     Not so hid neither,
But here’s a foul great piece of him, methinks;
What will he be, when he comes altogether?

Enter the WARD with a trap-stick, and SORDIDO his man

WARD
Beat him?
I beat him out o’th’field with his own cat-stick,
Yet gave him the first hand.
SORDIDO     Oh strange!
WARD     I did it,	90
Then he set jacks on me.
SORDIDO     What, my lady’s tailor?
WARD
Ay, and I beat him too.
SORDIDO     Nay, that’s no wonder,
He’s used to beating.
WARD     Nay, I tickled him
When I came once to my tippings.
SORDIDO     Now you talk on ’em,
There was a poulterer’s wife made a great complaint of	95
you last night to your guardianer, that you struck a bump
in her child’s head, as big as an egg.
WARD
An egg may prove a chicken then, in time; the poulterer’s
wife will get by’t. When I am in game, I am furious;
came my mother’s eyes in my way, I would not lose a fair	100
end. No, were she alive, but with one tooth in her head,
I should venture the striking out of that. I think of nobody
when I am in play, I am so earnest. Coads-me, my
guardianer! Prithee lay up my cat and cat-stick safe.
SORDIDO
Where, sir, i’th’chimney-corner?
WARD     Chimney-corner!	105
SORDIDO
Yes, sir, your cats are always safe i’th’chimney-corner,
Unless they burn their coats.
WARD     Marry, that I am afraid on.
SORDIDO
Why, then I will bestow your cat i’th’gutter,
And there she’s safe, I am sure.
WARD     If I but live
To keep a house, I’ll make thee a great man,	110
If meat and drink can do’t. I can stoop gallantly,
And pitch out when I list; I’m dog at a hole.
I mar’l my guardianer does not seek a wife for me;
I protest I’ll have a bout with the maids else,
Or contract my self at midnight to the larder-woman,	115
In presence of a fool or a sack-posset.
GUARDIANO
Ward!
WARD    I feel myself after any exercise
Horribly prone. Let me but ride, I’m lusty,
A cock-horse straight, i’faith.
GUARDIANO     Why, ward, I say!
WARD
I’ll forswear eating eggs in moonshine nights;	120
There’s nev’r a one I eat, but turns into a cock
In four and twenty hours; if my hot blood
Be not took down in time, sure ’twill crow shortly.
GUARDIANO
Do you hear, sir? Follow me, I must new school you.
WARD
School me? I scorn that now, I am past schooling.	125
I am not so base to learn to write and read;
I was born to better fortunes in my cradle.
Exit [WARD, GUARDIANO, and SORDIDO]
FABRITIO
[To ISABELLA] How do you like him, girl? This is your husband.
Like him or like him not, wench, you shall have him,
And you shall love him.	130
LIVIA
Oh soft there, brother! Though you be a Justice,
Your warrant cannot be served out of your liberty.
You may compel, out of the power of father,
Things merely harsh to a maid’s flesh and blood,
But when you come to love, there the soil alters;	135
Y’are in another country, where your laws
Are no more set by, than the cacklings of geese
In Rome’s great Capitol.
FABRITIO     Marry him she shall, then,
Let her agree upon love afterwards.     Exit
LIVIA
You speak now, brother, like an honest mortal	140
That walks upon th’earth with a staff;
You were up i’th’clouds before. You’d command love –
And so do most old folks that go without it.
[To HIPPOLITO] My best and dearest brother, I could dwell here;
There is not such another seat on earth,	145
Where all good parts better express themselves.
HIPPOLITO
You’ll make me blush anon.
LIVIA
’Tis but like saying grace before a feast, then,
And that’s most comely; thou art all a feast,
And she that has thee, a most happy guest.	150
Prithee cheer up thy niece with special counsel.     [Exit]
HIPPOLITO
[Aside] I would ’twere fit to speak to her what I would; but
’Twas not a thing ordained, Heaven has forbid it;
And ’tis most meet that I should rather perish
Than the decree divine receive least blemish.	155
Feed inward, you my sorrows, make no noise,
Consume me silent, let me be stark dead
Ere the world know I’m sick. You see my honesty;
If you befriend me, so.
ISABELLA [Aside]     Marry a fool!
Can there be greater misery to a woman	160
That means to keep her days true to her husband,
And know no other man! So virtue wills it.
Why, how can I obey and honour him,
But I must needs commit idolatry?
A fool is but the image of a man,	165
And that but ill made neither. Oh the heart-breakings
Of miserable maids, where love’s enforced!
The best condition is but bad enough:
When women have their choices, commonly
They do but buy their thraldoms, and bring great portions	170
To men to keep ’em in subjection –
As if a fearful prisoner should bribe
The keeper to be good to him, yet lies in still,
And glad of a good usage, a good look
Sometimes. By’r Lady, no misery surmounts a woman’s!	175
Men buy their slaves, but women buy their masters;
Yet honesty and love makes all this happy
And, next to angels’, the most blest estate.
That Providence, that has made ev’ry poison
Good for some use, and sets four warring elements	180
At peace in man, can make a harmony
In things that are most strange to human reason.
Oh but this marriage! [To him] What, are you sad too, uncle?
’Faith, then there’s a whole household down together.
Where shall I go to seek my comfort now	185
When my best friend’s distressed? What is’t afflicts you, sir?
HIPPOLITO
’Faith, nothing but one grief that will not leave me,
And now ’tis welcome; ev’ry man has something
To bring him to his end, and this will serve,
Joined with your father’s cruelty to you –	190
That helps it forward.
ISABELLA     Oh be cheered, sweet uncle!
How long has’t been upon you? I nev’r spied it;
What a dull sight have I! How long, I pray, sir?
HIPPOLITO
Since I first saw you, niece, and left Bologna.
ISABELLA
And could you deal so unkindly with my heart,	195
To keep it up so long hid from my pity?
Alas, how shall I trust your love hereafter?
Have we passed through so many arguments,
And missed of that still, the most needful one?
Walked out whole nights together in discourses,	200
And the main point forgot? We are to blame both;
This is an obstinate, wilful forgetfulness,
And faulty on both parts. Let’s lose no time now.
Begin, good uncle, you that feel’t; what is it?
HIPPOLITO
You of all creatures, niece, must never hear on’t,	205
’Tis not a thing ordained for you to know.
ISABELLA
Not I, sir! All my joys that word cuts off;
You made profession once you loved me best –
’Twas but profession!
HIPPOLITO     Yes, I do’t too truly,
And fear I shall be chid for’t. Know the worst, then:	210
I love thee dearlier than an uncle can.
ISABELLA
Why, so you ever said, and I believed it.
HIPPOLITO
[Aside] So simple is the goodness of her thoughts,
They understand not yet th’unhallowed language
Of a near sinner. I must yet be forced –	215
Though blushes be my venture – to come nearer.
[To her] As a man loves his wife, so love I thee.
ISABELLA     What’s that?
Methought I heard ill news come toward me,
Which commonly we understand too soon,
Than over-quick at hearing. I’ll prevent it,	220
Though my joys fare the harder. Welcome it?
It shall nev’r come so near mine ear again.
Farewell all friendly solaces and discourses,
I’ll learn to live without ye, for your dangers
Are greater than your comforts. What’s become	225
Of truth in love, if such we cannot trust,
When blood that should be love is mixed with lust?
Exit
HIPPOLITO
The worst can be but death, and let it come;
He that lives joyless, ev’ry day’s his doom.
Exit