Rigorous honesty is not just about the present and the future; it’s about the past as well—including the full extent of your infidelity. However, disclosing your full history of infidelity should not take place without professional assistance, preferably from an experienced couple’s counselor. This is true regardless of how many times your spouse says she wants to know everything right this instant.
No matter what, please do not attempt full disclosure on your own. Doing that is a horrible idea that will probably backfire. Consider the following cautionary tale.
Rich had been cheating on his wife for more than ten years with dozens of women. When she finally caught him in an affair with a neighbor, she insisted that if he did not come clean about every last detail she would immediately leave him. Rich, thinking he might feel unburdened if he just got everything out in the open, complied, answering at first in general terms. “I’ve been cheating off and on for ten years, with a lot of different women.” Of course, with every general statement he made, his wife pushed for details. And with every detail she got, she pushed for still more information. At the end of this process, Rich’s intensely depressed and angry wife packed her bags and left. The next day she filed for divorce, armed with a laundry list of his indiscretions.
Rich jumped the gun on disclosure, and the process blew up in his face. Because his well-intentioned effort to come clean was not properly structured and supervised, it led to a very messy and extremely expensive divorce.
Nevertheless, at some point in the healing process, your spouse may want to know everything about your cheating. A formalized, therapist-supervised process of disclosure is your best chance to meet this very important need, desire, and mandate in a healthy and productive way.
I suspect that right about now you might be wanting to throw this book across the room, because the last thing that you want to do is to tell your partner anything she doesn’t already know. And your male friends, your dad, your brothers, and even some of the women in your life might be telling you that you’re absolutely right, that no good can come from full disclosure. If so, they’re wrong. There are three important benefits of disclosure, but only in a professional setting and only for couples who intend to stay together:
1. You eliminate secrets and unknowns, advancing the restoration of trust.
2. You alleviate your spouse’s fear that you’re still lying and keeping important secrets.
3. You give your mate a chance to clearly evaluate the situation, knowing the entire history of your infidelity and deciding in a fully informed way that she really does (or does not) want to stay with you.
Legitimate Reasons to Not Give Full Disclosure
There are several very good reasons to not disclose the full extent of your cheating:
Since you’ve now read almost this entire book, I’ll assume the first reason does not apply. As for the next two, if your spouse tells you that she’d rather not know any more than she already does or that she’d rather not seek help from a professional counselor, that’s her choice to make. Most likely, however, she will insist on some degree of disclosure, and she will be happy to accept professional help with this process.