The descriptions and stories in this book purposefully do not identify specific individuals or their stories. Since confidentiality lies at the very center of the psychotherapeutic relationship, I have taken the most exacting measures to preserve the privacy of real people. All names are fictitious, and other recognizable features have been changed. Furthermore, the people and circumstances portrayed in these pages are composite in nature; each case represents a great many individuals whose characteristics and experiences have been adapted conceptually, carefully altered in their specifics, and combined to form illustrative viewpoints, characters, and stories. Any resemblance of such composites to actual individuals is entirely coincidental.
This is not a book about morality, cultural beliefs, cultural norms, or religion. It is not written as a challenge to those who enjoy recreational sexuality or “nontraditional” sexuality, either casually or as a lifestyle. It is not my job, as a mental health and addiction professional, to judge such behavior in any way. Instead, I have written this book to help men whose sexual activity outside a primary and supposedly monogamous relationship is causing significant problems for that relationship and in other areas of life.
Although there are many views about whether things like pornography, virtual sex, casual sex, anonymous sex, and various forms of “nontraditional” sex are right or wrong, good or bad, moral or immoral, it is not the intent of this book to define or address these issues in any meaningful way. I support every adult in his or her right to engage in any solo or mutually consensual (and legal) sexual activity or experience that provides pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment. I do not believe that anyone, therapist or not, has the right to judge what turns someone on or how a person pursues sexual activity, as long as that person’s choices do not violate the intrinsic rights and safety of oneself or others.
In short, this work is not focused on what is morally, ethically, or politically correct for any individual or the culture at large. The primary goal of this book is to help men who struggle with infidelity but don’t want to lose their primary relationship to eliminate their extracurricular sexual activities and rebuild relationship trust. Most of all, I want to offer these men and their significant others hope, letting them know that both long-term change and healing are possible.