The world breaks everyone, and afterward,
some are strong at the broken places.
—Ernest Hemingway
It’s Not About Right and Wrong, It’s About What’s Real and True
If you’re like most guys who get caught cheating, you probably experienced one or perhaps a combination of the three reactions listed below:
1. Clarity, version one. Discovery of your cheating caused you to realize how much you truly value your significant other and how much you want to heal your relationship. So when you were finally confronted about your infidelity and asked to make a decision—her or me—you knew immediately, deep in your soul, that you wanted to stay with your long-term mate no matter the cost. Before that moment you may have bounced easily from your spouse to other women and then back to your spouse. But suddenly, with your relationship on the line, you realized that you’d been risking the one thing in your life that matters the most.
2. Clarity, version two. Revelation of your infidelity provided you with some much needed impetus to leave your primary relationship, helping you understand that you probably should have ended it a long time ago. You saw, very clearly, that you were partnered with the wrong person, or at least that the emotional bond between you and your significant other had disintegrated to the point where it couldn’t (or shouldn’t) be saved. Now you understand that the best way to handle this is directly, finding an honorable way to walk away from the unhappiness you have been living with and making better choices in future relationships.
3. Indecision. Your spouse’s discovery of your infidelity forced you to examine both your primary relationship and your cheating, and you realized that you want to continue with both. You understood that your mate provides stability and a home life, whereas your infidelity provides excitement and escape from what feels like an otherwise unexciting life. So one minute you love your spouse, and your relationship with her seems like the most important thing in the world, but just a little while later you can’t bear the thought of life without cheating, at least just a little.
My rather strong guess, based solely on the fact that you’re still reading this book, is that you fall into either the first or the third category. If you fall into the first category, good for you, because it will be a lot easier to walk away from your past behavior and focus on what’s important in the future.
If you fall into the second category, it’s possible that you got into your long-term partnership for the wrong reasons and just hung in there too long. Maybe you were young and inexperienced and didn’t know any better. Maybe you felt pressured by your or her family for whatever reason (e.g., religion, pregnancy). If so, now is your chance to step back and reassess, knowing that guilt, shame, fear of being alone, fear of financial insecurity, and fear of what other people will think of you are not good reasons to stay in a bad relationship.
If you’re in category three, struggling to know what you really want, you needn’t despair, because this chapter will help you decide what the next right step is for you and those around you.
Note: This chapter is worth reading even if you are already certain that you want to stay in or walk away from your primary relationship, because it will help you understand your reasons.
Making the right decision about staying with your mate and working on your relationship or moving on to something else can be confusing, especially if you are facing (and feeling overwhelmed by) the heated emotions of your significant other. If you’ve had an emotionally charged long-term affair and that woman and her feelings also enter the fray, it gets even tougher. In such cases, you might find that you have two women demanding a decision, and they will probably want your answer right this instant. In addition, you almost certainly realize that any decision you make is going to affect the rest of your life, not to mention the lives of your kids, your spouse, your affair partner(s), friends, family, and others.
HAVING YOUR CAKE AND EATING IT, TOO
If you’ve been having a long-term affair, you may find yourself thinking that you love both women equally and you’d like to continue with both your primary relationship and your affair. If so, be warned: Even though keeping things as they are might seem like a great idea to you, it won’t appeal to the women in your life. If you suggest this, it will almost certainly blow up in your face, and you may ruin two relationships instead of just one.
If You Stay
Assuming you opt to reinvest in your primary relationship, you need to understand that no matter how hard you work to restore it, things will never go back to the way they were before you cheated. After all, you have betrayed your partner on a very deep level, and she will never forget that fact. At the very least, she will never again implicitly trust you the way she once did. As my mother used to say, you can’t un-bake a cake. The damage is done, and your relationship cannot ever return to what it once was.
Even worse, repairing a broken relationship is a lengthy and often unpleasant process. For starters, you will almost certainly have to come clean about all of your cheating, not just the parts your significant other already knows about. You will have to become totally honest about everything else, too, even when the truth pisses her off. You will have to sit quietly while she rages at you for no particular reason. You will have to relinquish all sorts of privacy. You will have to put up with her questioning your every move and even the thoughts you might be having.
Getting out of the doghouse is not a leisurely stroll in the park. Despite your desire to work it out, at times it will seem that breaking things off would be easier and cleaner for you both. But if you walk away from the woman you still love, what might you miss?
For an analogy, let’s turn the to the sports world. In 2004 Shaun Livingston was a tall, lanky, eighteen-year-old point guard generally regarded as a can’t-miss NBA prospect. Based on that, he skipped college, entered the NBA draft, and was selected fourth overall by the Los Angeles Clippers. In 2007, just as he was approaching NBA superstardom, he shredded the inner workings of his left knee. Basically, the only thing connecting his thigh to his calf was skin, and even though there had been many advances in modern orthopedics, nearly everyone assumed that his basketball career was over. There just wasn’t any way he was ever going to regain the quickness and explosiveness that made him a star.
Livingston could have taken the easy way out, deciding that his career was over, and nobody would have blamed him. After all, he’d earned millions already. He was also personable and intelligent enough to launch a second career as a commentator, coach, or front office executive.
But Livingston made another choice: he spent almost two years rehabilitating his knee and another five years bouncing from team to team (ten in all) trying to reestablish himself. Finally, in the summer of 2014, after a solid season playing mostly as a backup for the woeful Brooklyn Nets, he signed a long-term deal with the Golden State Warriors, where he became one of the league’s most valuable role players. He also helped Golden State to its first NBA title in forty years.
Livingston today is certainly not the basketball player that he once was. His game is vastly different, relying more on brains and skill than sheer athleticism. But his on-court contributions are as valuable as ever, and he’s got a championship ring to prove it—all because he chose the unpleasantly rocky path of healing, deciding to save his seemingly demolished playing career no matter what.
For Livingston, the decision to rehab his knee and suffer all sorts of indignities—pay cuts, trades (three times), being released (four times), ten-day contracts (twice), and a demeaning stint in the NBA’s Developmental League—could not have been easy. He surely must have experienced a great deal of ambivalence, frustration, shame, and uncertainty along the way. But he always confronted the decision making process intelligently, weighing the pros and cons and ultimately concluding that his love of playing the game outweighed his dislike and fear of injuries, rejection, and career and financial instability.
The process of deciding whether to stay in and repair a damaged relationship is, in many ways, similar to Shaun Livingston’s basketball journey. So when you are thinking about whether to save your relationship or move on to something else, even if you find that you are tortured with mood swings and indecisiveness, you should absolutely not make your choice without weighing the pros and cons and fully considering all aspects of your decision.
To Stay or Go: Fourteen Questions to Ask Yourself
Unfortunately, there is no cut-and-dried formula for deciding if your committed relationship has enough positive aspects to make the difficult work of healing worthwhile. Nevertheless, by honestly answering the questions below you will likely gain some degree of clarity—especially if your answers are supplemented with honest, empathetic, and impartial feedback from a therapist, a trusted friend, a spiritual advisor, and/or a supportive family member.
1. Do you enjoy spending time with her? If you have come to genuinely dislike (or no longer appreciate) your spouse as a person, that’s an obvious red flag. After all, one of the primary reasons for being in a long-term romantic partnership is that it’s fun and enjoyable. If you find that you dread spending time with your significant other, if being with her feels like a chore, then you may lack the solid foundation that is necessary for rebuilding the relationship.
2. Do you trust her? Trust is a key element in a healthy relationship. If two people trust each other, if they know they have each other’s backs no matter what, that’s a solid relationship foundation. Of course, you’ve almost certainly decimated your partner’s trust in you by cheating on her, and it will take a long time and a lot of concerted effort to earn back that trust. So the question here, really, is whether you still trust her to be there for you. If you do, that’s worth a lot. How many people in this world would you trust with your home, your finances, your kids, your feelings, and everything else that’s important in your life?
3. Do you play well together? If you and your mate have at least a few common interests—hobbies and activities that you can enjoy together—that’s a strong indicator of a relationship worth saving, especially if those interests are an important area of life for one or both of you. This means that if you and your mate find each other’s activities, recreational pursuits, and anecdotes fun and entertaining (or at least not too boring), then the two of you probably enjoy being together. However, if one of you feels trapped and dragged along on an uninteresting ride, that bodes poorly for your long-term relationship health. This does not mean that you have to love all her interests, nor she yours. If her passion for knitting puts you to sleep, so be it, as long as the two of you have at least a few interests that you both enjoy.
4. Do you share core values and beliefs? You and your mate are not going to agree on every little thing, nor should you, but to make the relationship work over the long haul you need at least a little common ground regarding things like religion, politics, finances, education, and raising kids. If you have this in your relationship, then you have a solid foundation upon which you can rebuild. Conversely, your relationship’s potential is significantly diminished if one of you feels forced into a certain belief system or way of living, accepting it only to make the other person happy or to avoid rejection and abandonment.
5. Do you have kids? Children are not the only reason to stay in a relationship, but they’re a darn good one. After all, no matter how much you struggle with your spouse, you’re going to love your children, and you will always keep their welfare in mind. So you need to consider the ways in which they will be affected if you and your spouse separate. You should also keep in mind the fact that your ex will probably get at least half-time custody if you split up, so you won’t see them nearly as often, which is distressing for everybody. (If the kids are hers from a previous relationship, you might not see them at all.) In short, breaking up a family is a significantly more profound decision than splitting up a couple, because the lives and futures of several people, some of whom may be too young to fend for themselves, are at stake.
6. Do you and your spouse usually find a way to resolve disagreements? In any intimate relationship, conflict is inevitable. It is also useful because it helps us to define our boundaries. In healthy relationships, arguments and disagreements are actually growth opportunities: chances to learn patience, empathy, and new ways of thinking and relating. However, when a relationship is not so healthy, even the smallest issue can become a smoldering resentment (usually tied to other, much deeper and more enduring concerns). So even when you and your spouse are unable to agree, if you can at least amicably disagree most of the time, then you probably have something worth saving.
7. Are you free to be your own man? As stated above, good relationships are built on commonality. But too much closeness and agreement can feel smothering and enmeshed (to both of you). If you feel uncomfortable with or discouraged from having your own interests, friends, and activities (not including your cheating), then you may be in an excessively entangled, fear-based relationship, and that’s far from ideal. The best relationships involve separate people with separate identities, with each person free to think and act as he or she sees fit (within certain mutually agreed-upon limits).
8. Do you respect each other? If you and your partner each bring something special and meaningful to the relationship, then it is much easier to respect each other’s opinions, interests, beliefs, and contributions. If, however, the relationship is drastically unequal, with one person running the show at all times, you will probably continue to struggle. In a healthy relationship, each person values and respects the other exactly as he or she truly is. This is not to say there can’t be an imbalance of power in certain areas. For instance, you might be the primary breadwinner while your partner takes charge of the house and the kids. There is nothing wrong with this arrangement, as long as neither of you feels used, put-upon, exploited, or unappreciated, and the lines of communication are open regarding growth and change.
9. Do you still enjoy sex with her? You’re probably well past the puppy-love stage when you first started dating and having sex, no longer feeling the same type of electric shock with your wife that you get when you spot a hot new woman. So the question here is not about crazy wild “instant hard” hotness every time you look at your spouse; it’s about whether you feel a continuing spark of sexual attraction to her and if you enjoy the physical intimacy that you still have with her (or that you were having until she found out about your cheating).
10. Does she support you emotionally? If you think that your mate is not there for you when the going gets tough or that she expresses constant disagreement, dismissal, negativity, criticism, control, or indifference toward your thoughts, beliefs, goals, desires, or activities (aside from your sexual infidelity), that’s not a great indicator of long-term relationship well-being. If, however, she works to help you succeed and leaves you feeling as if you consistently have someone in your corner cheering for you, then your relationship is much more likely to survive.
11. Does your relationship roll with the punches? It is important for both you and your significant other to understand that a relationship is not stagnant. If growth occurs or is sought and both parties accept and even cheer that, then there is a great foundation on which to rebuild. Conversely, the more resistance to change there is, the tougher it will be to heal your relationship, because a major part of the healing process involves making changes.
12. Are your relationship expectations realistic? No person or relationship is perfect. If either you or your spouse consistently expects the other to look and act in a certain way, then disappointment is inevitable. In a healthy relationship, both partners must accept and respect each other, warts and all. No person can consistently live up to another
person’s fantasy of perfection, and expecting someone to do so is a recipe for disappointment, resentment, pain, and failure.
13. Have you done this before? Do you have a history of ending relationships because of your cheating? If so, no matter how you feel about your significant other, it’s probably time to take a long hard look at your thoughts and behaviors regarding long-term commitment. If the common denominator in your failed relationships is you, the happiness that you seek will never be found by simply moving on to someone new. So you might want to stick with your current relationship while you make changes within yourself. If you do, you may find that you end up with something truly special.
14. Are you both invested in saving the relationship? It takes two to tango. If you want to keep your relationship alive but your mate seems determined to end it, there is little you can do about that. If your desire to save your relationship is one-sided, then there really is no relationship to save. In such cases, the best that you can do is accept this fact, grieve, and learn from your mistakes. (Many women say they are done in the heat of the moment but don’t really mean it. If you think this might the case with your spouse, then don’t give up. But if she really does seem finished, you may need to just back away and move on.)
Once again, there are no set rules for determining when a relationship is or is not worth saving. Nor is this book written to convince you to either stay or move on. Ultimately, you must decide this matter for yourself. If, however, you find that you’ve answered yes to more than a few of the above questions, then you’ve probably got something that is worth the effort.
I’d also like to reiterate that it is wise to share your responses to the questions above with other people: a therapist, a spiritual advisor, trusted friends, or supportive family members. These are people who know you and your relationship well, and, as impartial observers, they can see and point out the things that you may be missing or ignoring. In all likelihood, you will find their input invaluable, even if you don’t always like what they have to say in the moment.
Do You Need More Time?
It’s entirely possible that you still have not made a definite decision about staying or going, even with the clarity you got from the questions above. You may still want to continue with both your primary relationship and your cheating. You may even find yourself changing your mind every five or ten minutes about which seems more important.
If you find yourself waffling between your marriage and your infidelity, you can try to postpone your decision for six weeks or so, giving yourself (and the women in your life) time to calm down and think more clearly. This is best done with guidance from a therapist.
If you choose to play for time in this way, do not tell your mate that you are unsure you want to stay with her. If you do that, she is likely to render your assessment process moot by deciding that she’s not willing to wait. So if she tells you, “It’s me or her, and you need to decide right now,” I suggest you respond with something like, “I’m not planning to leave you. But please give me some time to get my head cleared, even though I don’t deserve it after what I’ve done.” You might even want to ask for some time apart, assuring her that you don’t want this to be long-term. She will probably not like that idea (unless it’s hers rather than yours), but you are unlikely to gain the clarity you need while you are still residing in an angry household.
If you and your spouse decide to take some time apart, this does not mean that it’s time to move in with your affair partner. You need to take some time away from her, too. As a general rule, I suggest that rather than moving into a hotel room or an apartment of your own, where you will probably feel bored, lonely, and tempted to cheat, you move in with your parents, a sibling, or a close friend. You will get much needed emotional support there, and cheating will be much less of an option.
It is important for you to understand and accept that taking time out to think things through is exactly that. It is not any of the following:
Regardless of your current indecision, if you ask for time to sort things out, then you absolutely must stop cheating. Completely and totally. Right now. You just flat out cannot tell your spouse that you are putting your relationship with her on temporary hold so you can clear your head and then continue to engage in infidelity. That is something she will never forgive. Never. So don’t do it.
It is also important to note that your affair partner may be just as unhappy as your spouse about this requested time-out. If so, your approach with her should be the same as with your mate. Ask for time apart so you can clear your head and make a good decision. Whatever you do, do not lie to her about time you’re spending with your spouse. And don’t lie about anything else, either. In other words, don’t tell your affair partner that you’re planning to leave your marriage so you can be with her, unless you have unequivocally made up your mind to do so (and have considered this decision for a few days or weeks to be certain).
Decision Time
Regardless of whether your infidelity was casual or emotionally connected, there are three primary considerations: the past, the present, and the future. If your infidelity was entirely casual and you feel no emotional connection to your extracurricular sex partner(s), these considerations apply only to your significant other. If, however, you’re in a long-term affair with a woman you care about, both relationships must be examined.
If you find yourself comparing one relationship to another, as you are likely to do with an emotionally connected affair, you need to understand that this is not an apples to apples comparison. It’s more like apples to cookies. In other words, your fourteen-year marriage with two kids is not comparable to your relationship with a hot twenty-five-year-old who thinks everything you do is magical. These are just entirely different things. With your primary partner you have a history, home, family, friends, intermingled finances, standing in the community, and all sorts of roles and responsibilities. With your affair partner you have the excitement of illicit sex but little of the rest. You’ve likely never had to mow her lawn, pay her bills, take out her garbage, pick up groceries on your way home after a long day at work, live with her bad moods, or take care of her when she’s ill. So, as I said, it’s apples versus cookies.
Looking at Your Past
As you work on making your decision, start by thinking about your history with your long-term partner—and make sure you don’t rewrite it just because she’s incredibly pissed off and unpleasant right now. After all, you’re the one who cheated, and that’s why she’s so upset, so put that aside and look at life with your significant other before you sullied the relationship and earned your little trip to the doghouse. Ask yourself the following:
If you’ve been in a long-term affair, you should now ask yourself the same questions about your affair partner.
Looking at Your Present
When you are analyzing the present, it is again important that you push aside your mate’s justifiable anger so you can look at the situation objectively. Ask yourself the following about your spouse:
If you’re in a long-term affair, you’ll need to ask the first two questions about your affair partner, too.
Looking at Your Future
Now think about the future. Ask yourself the following:
Breaking the News
Whatever decision you make, you need to tell the women involved. And while you should not rush the decision making process, you should not delay informing the women involved once you have considered the facts and reached a firm decision. In other words, don’t string your spouse or an affair partner along just because you’re dreading the pain of giving her some bad news. And regardless of your decision, remember that your goal is to move forward with integrity, no longer lying to your spouse or anyone else about your romantic intentions.
If you decide to stay with your significant other and your infidelity was of the casual variety, where you did not feel much (if any) emotional connection to your cheating partners, it should be fairly easy to break things off. You can simply delete their contact information from your phone and computer, unfriend them on social media, delete your hookup apps and profiles, delete any texts and/or photos related to your cheating, and move forward. Sure, a past sex partner might try to contact you once in a while for a quickie, but all you have to do is say, “No thank you,” and then block her number so she can’t call again. You don’t even have to worry about upsetting her, because you (hopefully) did not lead her on in a way that would cause her to feel overly attached.
If you decide to stay with your significant other even though you’ve been in a long-term affair with a woman that you care about, things are more difficult. In all likelihood you will balk at the idea of simply breaking things off, especially if you’ve grown heavily entangled in her life. After all, this is a person you care about, who cares about you in return, and breaking things off is going to hurt her. A lot. And she may not go quietly, either. If things get really difficult, you may need to involve your therapist or some other trusted advisor who can help you explain your desire to save your marriage and to live with integrity moving forward, which means ending the affair, no matter how painful that may be.
QUESTIONS FOR
Reflection
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