As someone who has paid very close attention to men’s experiences with relationships, I know how challenging it is for us to develop the skills necessary to create and maintain healthy intimate connections. Moreover, I watch men screw things up time and time again in the same basic ways, only to come around for more. What I love about this book is that Rob keeps coming back, in numerous ways, to this single essential idea: You cheated, you lied, and you deeply hurt the woman you love, so what are you going to do to save your relationship?
I have yet to meet a man who doesn’t have some confusion around intimacy, relationships, and sex. And why would that not be the case? After all, as men we are not raised to respect sex or sexuality. Instead, we are taught to objectify women, to focus more on body parts than companionship and emotional support. Essentially, thanks to pornography and similar societal influences, we are raised in ways that confuse sex with intimacy. And we are taught to fear any kind of emotional closeness. Thus we learn to view sex as something we should turn to as a way to feel like “real men” or to prove we are “real men” to the rest of the world.
Sadly, these internal and unconscious psychological mandates often cause men to act in some really damaging ways. One of the worst is when a man breaks his vow of monogamy and cheats on a loving, unsuspecting partner. Let’s make no mistake here: our male-dominated culture does not value monogamy. Nor does it encourage men to value and appreciate intimacy and connection over or at least equal to the act of sex. However, that is not an excuse for men to break their vow of monogamy by sleeping around, to lie and keep secrets about that behavior, and to betray relationship trust.
The simple truth is men get a lot of messed-up cultural messages. And so do women. So what? Does that mean we’re not responsible for our behavior? Absolutely not. But in this culture of self-help gurus and “psychologizing,” that message sometimes gets lost. Never-
theless, there is absolutely no benefit in supporting someone in being a victim or in sending a message that they are not responsible for their behavior. That is what I love about this book. It’s about men owning their mess and cleaning it up—no more and no less.
One thing Rob does really well in this book is laying out very clearly all of the different ways that a man can cheat on his significant other, getting rid of the whole “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” obfuscation. Thus, there is no confusion about what is cheating and why it causes the betrayed partner so much pain.
When a man cheats on his partner, he violates a sacred trust. That’s why they call it cheating. And that man is responsible for his behavior regardless of his reasoning. She’s lost interest in sex? She’s not as fun as she used to be? She’s not as thin as she used to be? It is hard to be close and intimate with her? She’s thinking about leaving the relationship? The list could go on. But nothing gives a man permission to lie, keep secrets, and betray the trust of the woman he loves. If a man is truly unhappy there are lots of other options—getting honest with his partner, going to couple’s counseling, focusing on other (nonsexual) activities for fun and excitement, and even getting a divorce. All of those things can be done without the lies, the secrets, and the hurtful betrayal of trust.
Another thing Rob has done brilliantly in this book is bring decades of clinical experience and expertise to this topic, stripped of the psychological jargon that so often gets in the way of the message. In short, he has written a book to men, for men, in a language that men can hear. Yet he has also written a book for women, as the information focuses on helping men understand and implement empathy, compassion, and trust in their primary relationship. To be honest, I have never read a book that so usefully and clearly combines the feelings of a betrayed woman with the actions and resources a man needs to help her (and the relationship) heal.
In my own work I talk a lot about the Man Rules, those ideas about being a man that we have internalized since we were very young. These rules come at us from all directions, including our biology, our family, and the collective history of our experience as men. While I have no idea how much of our desire to cheat is nature and how much is nurture, I know that sex is deeply connected to our ideas of being real men.
Perhaps this Man Rule about sex sounds familiar: Have as much sex as possible with as many hot and different women as possible, whenever possible, with as big and hard of a dick as possible.
In that one statement and our attempts to live up to it, whether we are aware of it or not, lies so much of our insecurity, pain, and problems. The difficulty is that so many men do not see how thoroughly this rule runs (and ruins) their lives. This type of sex is so deeply embedded in men’s experience with intimacy that we struggle to understand and execute the emotional connection portion of the equation. Thus, we struggle to give our partners the intimacy that they (and we) deserve.
Sex often stands as the only portal for men’s experience of intimacy. This is a concept I refer to as the sex funnel. All of our experiences of attraction, closeness, and affection go into this metaphorical sex funnel and we lose the intimate connection because the all-powerful feeling of sex takes over. That is a significant part of why men don’t know how to create and foster emotionally engaged, truly intimate connections. But make no mistake, men are not victims here. And this sex funnel isn’t an excuse for infidelity. It does, however, help to explain the motivation for infidelity. As such, it is something men should pay attention to and use to enhance their experience of connection in relationships.
Rob has a great understanding of how embedded these ideas of sex are in the lives and minds of men. And he has written a book that will help men truly understand the impact of infidelity on their partners. Everything else aside, what cheating men have to get comfortable with is standing in the discomfort and repercussions of their behavior while making thoughtful and clear decisions about how to move forward with integrity. Rob lays this process out beautifully, with exercises for men to do at the end of each chapter that are not overwhelming but nonetheless create empathy and compassion for their betrayed partners and ultimately for themselves.
While time is spent in this book attending to past traumas that may have led a man toward lying, keeping secrets, and living a double life, the work does not focus on this. Instead, Rob concentrates on a cheating man’s responsibility for owning his behavior and deciding what he wants to do moving forward. Like a loving parent dealing with a badly behaved child, Rob is trying to get men to put their big boy pants on, take responsibility, and live their lives with honesty and integrity.
It is often said that the most dangerous lies we tell are the ones that we tell to ourselves because they prevent us from seeing reality and taking responsibility for our behaviors. Rob understands this, along with the complexity of sexual infidelity, so he is able to effectively help men look at the truth of their actions by literally listing the ways they try to fool both others and themselves. Again, this is Rob’s no-
nonsense attempt to get the male readers’ attention. He doesn’t pull any punches because that wouldn’t serve the men reading this book.
In my work, I talk a lot about finding compassion for men. That said, our culture tends to taint the idea of compassion with words like soft and tender. But the truth is, particularly for men—and Rob understands this at a deep level—compassion also occurs when we draw a line and say, “I know you can do better. And because I love you I’m going to hold you accountable and support you in your efforts to do better. But I will not tolerate any more unacceptable behavior.” Rob brings that kind of compassion to this book: hand-holding with a solid yet gentle can of whoop-ass.
Sadly, the Man Rules sometimes cause men to do really ugly stuff, particularly as relates to sex and relationships. What is great about this book is that it is designed to not leave the reader feeling judged and shamed about his sexual behavior. In Rob’s mind, whatever a man wants to do to express his sexuality is his business, so long as it doesn’t hurt someone else. Sexual behaviors are part of how men define themselves and so be it. What is not okay, and what this book seeks to confront, is the lying and the betrayal of trust that cheating men perpetrate on their unwitting partners. That is what Rob cares about, because that is what causes so much damage to a relationship. And that is what lands men in the doghouse.
I encourage men to read this book slowly, taking notes and doing the exercises at the end of each chapter. I also encourage men to talk to others in their lives about what they are reading. Moreover, when unpleasant emotions and feelings of being a victim or wrongly punished inevitably arise, men need to go back to this book so they can refocus on the facts of the situation: you did it, you lied about it, and you deeply hurt your mate, so what are you going to do to take responsibility and make things right? And later on, when the dust has begun to settle and a man begins to think that his behavior wasn’t so bad, he needs return to this book yet again to regain his perspective.
I always ask men whose behaviors are making them uncomfortable the following question: “How does this behavior fit in with the man you want to be?” As men read this book and think about their behavior, their partner’s behavior, and where they want to go from this point forward, they need to keep asking themselves that same question: “How does this behavior and thinking fit with the man, friend, partner, and father I want to be?” It is important for a man to remember that he deserves to have love in his life with amazing, intimate sex and connection. It is not too late. Yes, he may have gotten himself into the doghouse, but if he pays close enough attention to the wisdom and the guidance of this book, he can find his way out. And if he really makes this about becoming the best man he can be, he’ll never have to go back.
—Dan Griffin, MA, author of
A Man’s Way Through Relationships