FOUR

What to Expect from Your Betrayed Partner

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

—William Congreve

When Trust Is Shattered

As we discussed in the previous chapter, when cheating is discovered your spouse experiences it as a powerful form of emotional trauma. For her, it feels like being hit by a truck—only emotionally, not physically. She feels battered, bruised, and broken by what you’ve done. If she is invested in you, if she loves you and believes in you, and if she is committed to you, then she is emotionally devastated by your betrayal. There is just no avoiding that. And there is also no avoiding her response. In fact, her rage, fear, pleading, tears, vindictiveness, and other forms of emotional instability—no matter how excessive this all seems to you—are perfectly normal and expected reactions in this set of circumstances.

So it’s not at all helpful to whine about her being crazy or bitchy, because in this case she’s neither. Even if you really, really don’t like the way she is acting (and you won’t), and even if her behavior seems very, very dramatic to you (and it might), you need to accept that she is actually responding in an understandable and reasonably healthy way to the pain, loss, and hurt that you’ve caused her to feel.

Let’s take a moment here to reinforce something stated earlier: Your spouse’s deepest pain does not result from any particular extracurricular sex act that you engaged in; rather, her deepest pain comes from the shattering of relationship trust. The moment she found out you cheated, she lost the ability to fully trust you. You, the person closest to her, the one she thought would always have her back, hurt her by lying, keeping secrets, emotionally distancing yourself, and living a double life. As such, you have broken relationship trust. In her mind you were her best friend, her confidant, her lover, her financial partner, her co-parent, and her compatriot in life. And then you betrayed her by sneaking around and having sex with other women.

In your wife’s eyes, you’re like an athlete who secretly throws a game to win a bet. After an act that selfish, how can your teammates (or your wife, your kids, and anyone else you have betrayed) ever trust you again? Who could blame them for alternating between longing for the you they thought they knew and despising the you who threw all their hard work and passion under the bus?

That’s what your mate is feeling—only times a hundred! The most emotionally significant person in her life, the person around whom she has built her past, present, and future, has taken an emotional knife and stabbed her in the back with it, ripping her carefully constructed world apart with lies, manipulation, and a total lack of concern for her well-being.

Inside Her Emotions

In general, the degree of pain your partner experienced when she first learned about your infidelity hinged on the following five factors:

1. What you did

2. How long it went on

3. With whom you did it

4. How she found out

5. Her personal history of relationship safety

Let’s examine each of these elements to help you understand what she might be thinking and feeling right now.

What You Did

Of the five factors listed above, the least important, by far, is what you did. Unless you’ve fallen in love with another woman, your wife doesn’t much care whether you jerked off to porn, mutually masturbated via webcam, sexted with someone you met on Ashley Madison, got a hand-job in your car, or had intercourse with a woman you met at the grocery store. What she cares about is that you cheated.

As I’ve stated repeatedly, cheating is less about the actual sex act and more about the lies you told and the secrets you kept. It’s not any specific sexual act that does the most damage, it’s the betrayal of relationship trust. Whether she admits it or not, your significant other is more upset about the emotional chasm you’ve created than by the specifics of the sex you were having. So no matter what you did, you are likely to hear complaints like this: “You never have time for me or the kids, but you somehow find time to sleep around. How can you treat me that way and still tell me that you love me?”

How Long It Went On

In terms of timeframe, a one-time sexual encounter while traveling on business is typically not as devastating, in the eyes of your mate, as a years-long affair. This is because, from her perspective, long-term affairs undercut everything that happened in your relationship while the affair was taking place. When your spouse learns that you’ve been sleeping with another woman for the last decade, she wonders, All those times that he told me he loved me, and that he loved our kids and our life together, did he mean any of it? Or was it all just a lie? That time we went to the winery and we both had too much to drink and then we made love under an olive tree on the way back to the bed and breakfast—was he happy to be with me or was he fantasizing about her? She might also be thinking about the time you missed your daughter’s basketball game or some other important event, wondering, Was he really at work, or was he having sex with her?

With Whom You Did It

Your choice of affair partner matters in much the same way as the length of time. For instance, an affair with a woman that your significant other has never met and is unlikely to ever meet is nearly always less painful than an affair with her best friend, her sister-in-law, a trusted neighbor, or the nanny. So if you’ve been sexual with someone she knows, that’s double the trouble. And if that person happens to be someone she liked and/or trusted, the betrayal is doubled yet again. Each layer of connection increases her pain.

You should also keep in mind the fact that your spouse will nearly always assume that there was an emotional component to your cheating—that you felt some sort of intimate bond with the other woman. This is true even if what you did was purely sexual. Any evidence she finds that shows there really was an emotional connection just makes things worse. For example, if you’ve written warm, gushing letters to your affair partner, your spouse may be more upset about that than the actual sex. And if you gave your affair partner thoughtful gifts or took her on a romantic weekend getaway? Ouch! Especially if your significant other would have liked those gifts or trips for herself. In such cases, you might hear something like, “We always talked about going to New York in the springtime, but you took her instead! How could you do that?”

How She Found Out

Most people think that if they were in a supposedly monogamous relationship with a cheater, they would automatically know it. They mistakenly think that it would be almost impossible to miss the signs of sexual infidelity. However, this is not necessarily the case. In fact, it is entirely possible, regardless of how many blatant clues you left, that your mate was unaware of your cheating. To a large extent this is because she did not want to believe that you, her closest ally, could betray her, so she subconsciously chose to look the other way and engage in denial about what was happening. Even if she sensed that you were becoming emotionally distant, she probably convinced herself, perhaps with the help of your many “gentle suggestions” (i.e., manipulations), that there was some other cause: you were preoccupied with work, you were worried about finances, or whatever.

It sometimes seems as if the betrayed wife is always the last to know about her man’s extracurricular sexual activities. And that actually makes a lot of sense. After all, a guy who cheats is usually going to focus a lot more on hiding things from his spouse than from the rest of the world. Moreover, in a general way we are inclined to not notice the eccentric, unusual, or erratic behavior of others, especially the people we are close to. And when we do notice, we often create excuses for what the other person is doing. This is particularly true in family settings, where spouses (and kids) need to believe that the significant other (or the parent) is trustworthy and dependable and consistently doing the right thing.

Is it therefore any wonder that betrayed partners are often the last to know? Even women who suspect infidelity may unconsciously opt for ignorance, hoping that their suspicions are not true or choosing to disregard the problem for as long as they can—usually for emotional reasons (love, fear of being alone), practical reasons (kids, finances), or to simply avoid pain.

Unfortunately, the unexpected nature of the revelation is only part of your partner’s pain. The method in which the information is delivered can be equally if not more disturbing. For instance, there is a huge difference between her learning about your infidelity when you remorsefully and voluntarily confess the truth versus the following:

• Walking in on you with your pants down—literally
• Getting an anonymous phone call
• Hearing about it from a group of friends who assumed she already knew (because everyone else certainly did)
• Discovering your stash of porn, your history of sexting, and your use of hookup apps when she borrows your phone or your laptop
• Being called by the police because you’re in jail, snared in a prostitution sting
• Being told by her physician that she has a sexually transmitted disease

So there’s finding out about your cheating, and there’s finding out about your cheating.

Regardless of how your significant other learns about your infidelity, discovery shock is an almost universal reaction. In part, this stems from the fact that while you have known about your cheating from the start (and you may actually be feeling a sense of relief now that your behavior is out in the open), your loved one has just been blindsided by this information. In other words, she is not just learning about it, she’s getting emotionally body-slammed by it. Even partners who had a previous sense that something was amiss with the relationship will experience the trauma of discovery when their worst fears are confirmed.

For a comparison, think about a lingering illness. For a few months you feel unwell. You’re tired a lot, and you have a pesky cough that just won’t go away. Eventually you decide to go to the doctor, hoping for some antibiotics that will clear things up. Instead, after a careful examination, you are hit with the news that you have a life-threatening illness. Even if you suspected deep down that you might have a serious problem, you still feel blindsided when you learn about it.

That is precisely what your wife feels like when she learns about your cheating.

Her Personal History of Relationship Safety

The degree and duration of your significant other’s reaction to infidelity may be related as much to her early life history as to your betrayal. If your mate was abused, neglected, or otherwise traumatized in the past (by parents, siblings, teachers, or old boyfriends), her sense of relationship safety may already be compromised, causing her to more deeply react to the present situation. Thus, she may be reacting to much more than your sexual betrayal. She might also be reacting, in delayed fashion, to her father’s alcoholism and his abandonment of her mother, the fact that she and her sister were molested by a family friend, the fact that her first boyfriend dumped her without warning and started dating her rival, and a whole lot of other stuff that you may not even know about. So basically, if your mate has ever been deceived, abandoned, abused, neglected, or otherwise mistreated by a beloved and/or trusted person, she may have some deep emotional wounds as a result—wounds that will never really go away—and your present-day cheating has probably reopened those wounds. If so, you may be paying for crimes you didn’t commit.

It’s possible you’re now thinking, That’s unfair! And maybe it is, but you need to get over it, because it’s a fact of life that you’re going to have to accept and work with if you want to save your relationship. Your partner’s history of trauma is what it is. If she was betrayed, neglected, or otherwise abused, then that trauma—no matter when it occurred—will almost certainly resurface as a result of your cheating. This is your mate’s emotional reality, and it’s your reality as well. If you could change this aspect of who she is, I would gladly tell you how. But you cannot, so my suggestion is that you not try. You can’t control it, and you can’t fix it. All you can do is accept it and learn to work with it.

Are you still surprised that your wife has responded with fear, anger, rage, and a variety of other strong emotions after learning about your cheating? I hope not. In fact, I hope that by now you are beginning to see that in your wife’s eyes your cheating has many layers, and those layers permeate every aspect of her existence. For her, it’s not just the sex; it’s everything.

The Emotional Roller Coaster

In the immediate aftermath of discovery, your significant other’s emotions were understandably out of control. And you’re probably okay with that because you expected it to some extent. Unfortunately for you, her reactivity is unlikely to dissipate any time soon. In fact, you’re going to have to deal with the emotional roller coaster she’s riding until you’ve reearned her trust. And that healing process can to take many months. For your significant other there is no such thing as immediate forgiveness when it comes to relationship betrayal. Even worse, she will never forget. In her mind, there is before the infidelity and after the infidelity. The fact that you betrayed her trust in you is not something she will easily move past. So for the time being you should expect her to engage in or display some or all of the following perfectly normal symptoms of deep emotional betrayal:

• Detective work. Because your spouse no longer trusts you, she will probably seek out the truth by doing detective work. Searching for evidence of infidelity, she might check your phone bills, your browser history, your e-mails, your text messages, the contents of your wallet, your credit card receipts and bills, your phone apps, and more. She might hire an actual private detective to help with this. She might surreptitiously install tracking software on your phone and other digital devices. And this hypervigilant behavior is likely to occur even if you are now being completely open and honest about your whereabouts and actions.
• Mood swings. Your mate may be sad one minute, filled with rage the next, and then desperately affectionate, loving, and even sexual the next. And her moods might swing from one extreme to the other with little or no warning. The most innocuous triggers are likely to set her off. For instance, you could happily be watching a movie on TV and one of the actresses may look similar to your affair partner (or how your significant other suspects your affair partner looked), and off she goes—tearful and raging. Then, five minutes later she may be apologetic and remorseful.
• Shame and loss of self-esteem. For many of us, our self-esteem is tied (at least in part) to having a successful relationship and family life. In other words, your spouse may have worked very hard to create the best “us.” If so, her self-esteem will have understandably taken a huge hit as a result of your infidelity. She might suddenly feel unattractive and unlovable, no matter the reality. In response, she might overcompensate by trying to lose weight, dressing provocatively, or trying to be hypersexual with you, thinking that if she can somehow “get it right” you will stop fooling around on her. Or she may withdraw completely.
• Global mistrust. By cheating, you have violated your mate’s trust in you and your relationship. This trust must be reearned, and that takes both time and effort. For now, you need to accept that she will question every little thing you do and say. If you arrive home five minutes late, turn off your computer too quickly, or play with your iPhone without telling her what app you are using, her mistrust may be triggered. She will also doubt you in other areas of life: finances, childcare, or even dinner reservations. Her reasoning is that if you lied to her about something as important as sex, you are capable of lying to her about absolutely anything.
• Control, control, control. Because her relationship feels out of control and she no longer trusts anything that you say or do, your spouse may try to micromanage things like family finances, childcare, your free time, and chores. So you might not have much say about the day-to-day rhythm and decision making of your relationship. Even worse, she will probably resent you for “forcing her” into all of this extra work.
• Raging and attacking. If you think that going on the attack is the sole province of men, think again. To paraphrase the quote that opened this chapter: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Your partner may at times behave like a feral cat backed into a corner, hissing and snarling and lashing out. She will attack you verbally, calling you names, devaluing the good things you do, and basically hitting below the belt in any way she can. She might also hire a lawyer, tell the kids what you’ve done, recklessly spend money as a way to punish you, have an affair of her own as a way to get even, toss your clothes onto the front lawn, or hammer your car with a nine iron.
• Obsessive questioning. It may seem as though your spouse is obsessed with your cheating, as if there is no subject on the planet that interests her more than your betrayal. She wants to know what happened, where, with whom, how many times, and all sorts of other minute details. Her obsession may cause her to experience sleeplessness, nightmares, difficulty concentrating, or an inability to focus on day-to-day events. And no matter how much information you give, she will ask for more. Then, when you stop providing information, even if it’s because there is no more to give, she will accuse you of holding back.
• Avoidance. This is the opposite of obsessive questioning, but it is equally likely. Basically, your spouse may work to avoid thinking or talking about your betrayal, possibly engaging in escapist behavior as a way to tolerate the pain and shame she is feeling. She may pretend that the cheating never happened. She might even avoid talking and interacting with you altogether, except for the most superficial communication. Even more perplexing is that she might flip-flop between obsessive questioning and avoidance. One minute she will want to know everything, and the next she will want to bury her head in the sand.
• Escapist (including addictive) behavior. Your significant other may be so distressed by your cheating and the inherent breach of relationship trust that she needs to temporarily escape her feelings. Drinking, drugging, binge eating, compulsive spending, compulsive gambling, compulsive use of social media, compulsive exercise, and compulsive sexual activity are all common responses.

None of these perfectly natural responses are fun for you to deal with, of course. In fact, the emotional roller coaster that you and your betrayed partner are riding is very likely to piss you off at least occasionally, no matter how understanding you are about the fact that you are the cause of this wild and unpleasant ride. When you do get angry, you’ll need to make a choice. You can react to her emotions and make things worse, or you can swallow your pride, your ego, and your desire to be right, allowing her feel whatever it is that she needs to feel. I rather strongly suggest the latter.

Understanding Broken Trust from a Neutral Perspective

To better understand what your spouse is feeling, consider the following analogy. You are a small-business owner. You hire a down-on-his-luck friend to help you in the office. He has the necessary skills, more or less, and you want to help him because you like him. One day you come into work early and catch him with his hand in the safe, and you’ve recently noticed that the petty cash accounting has been off. Because this person is a friend, you verbally rip into him but don’t fire him. You put him on probation but keep him on the payroll. And he is incredibly grateful. Things are great for the next year or so. Then one night you’re staying late at work, and you notice him in the office alone with the door of the safe pulled open. What is your immediate reaction? If you’re like most people, you immediately flash back to the day you caught him stealing. And this will happen even if he’s currently doing nothing wrong.

Well, your relationship is quite similar. If your spouse sees you doing anything that even remotely reminds her of when you cheated, her mistrust will be triggered again—even if you’re not doing anything wrong at that moment. And that is a perfectly natural reaction for her to have.

PILLS YOU DON’T HAVE TO SWALLOW

It is okay (even expected) that your significant other will be incredibly angry with you and that she will (in your eyes) consistently overreact to any perceived slight. It is wise for you to accept these reactions within reason. If, however, she crosses the line, you can try to set some boundaries, perhaps with the assistance of an experienced couple’s therapist.

Unacceptable reactions from your mate include the following:

• Hitting or any other form of physical violence, including hitting walls or breaking furniture
• Turning your kids or other family members against you
• Telling your boss, your neighbors, the press, or other important people what you’ve done
• Devaluing your humanity by saying things like, “You don’t deserve to live.”
• Going to the other woman to give her a piece of her mind

If your partner is behaving in ways that cause you to fear for your physical and/or emotional well-being or the well-being of those around you, especially your children, you don’t have to sit back and take it. You should not, however, respond in kind. Instead, you should politely explain that her actions have crossed the line and that you need to set up some fair fighting boundaries. (Resolving conflicts in healthy, nondestructive ways is discussed in detail in Chapter 9.)

What It Means to Be in the Doghouse

Once they’ve been found out, many men who’ve cheated think that a simple puppy dog apology and maybe a nice necklace or a romantic vacation should remedy the situation. They seem to think that the words I’m sorry should automatically initiate immediate and total forgiveness—that if they show even a semblance of remorse (no matter how insincere), the relationship should magically revert to how it was before they cheated. In fact, if you’re like most of the men who are confronted with their cheating behavior, you instinctively attempted the guy’s version of an apology, which typically goes as follows:

• “Yes, I did it.”
• “I’m sorry.”
• “I never meant to hurt you.”
• “I won’t do it again.”
• “What can I do to make it right?”
• “I know you will forgive me.”
• “What’s for lunch?”

If you tried this tactic, I’m guessing that it didn’t go too well. In fact, you’re probably reading this book because your spouse did not think your apology was enough to reearn her trust. Instead of accepting your expression of regret and forgiving you, she has banished you to the doghouse, and now you’re going to have to jump through a whole lot of hoops before she lets you out of it.

By this point I hope you understand how your partner is experiencing this blow to your relationship. If not, I suggest that you go back to the beginning of the book and read these first four chapters again. If, however, you think you might be ready to begin the healing process, read on, because the remainder of this book is dedicated to helping you and your spouse move forward toward rebuilding your lives and your relationship.

QUESTIONS FOR

Reflection

• Do you think that your cheating deserves the kind of reaction you are getting from your spouse? Why or why not?

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• In what ways has your cheating affected how your spouse sees you and your relationship? (Consider what you did, how long it went on, with whom you did it, how she found out, and her history of relationship trauma.)

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• Does your spouse seem to be riding an emotional roller coaster? If so, can you understand why? And if you do have a sense of why, what can you do to accept this as a normal and even healthy response on her part?

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