NINE

Seven Ways to Make Things Better

Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching.

—C. S. Lewis

Making It Right

The preceding two chapters discussed what you can do to begin the process of getting out of the doghouse—embarking on a path of rigorous honesty, and establishing (and sticking to) fidelity-related boundaries. Once you’ve done those things, you’ve made a great start toward repairing your relationship and reearning your spouse’s trust. However, you’re barely out of the starting gate in terms of making things right with her, and you’re still looking at many months of (slowly decreasing) mistrust and emotional volatility.

The good news is that if you are rigorously honest and stick to your personal fidelity plan, you’ll wake up one morning and realize that it’s been several days or maybe even several weeks since your partner has blown up or acted as though she doesn’t believe you.

There are numerous things you can do to speed up this process, including the seven listed below:

• Develop empathy for your spouse.
• Learn to disagree in healthy and productive ways.
• Instead of telling her you care, show her you care.
• Keep relationship trust in mind at all times.
• Anticipate and deal with potential hazards before they happen.
• Don’t forget about your own self-care.
• Express gratitude to your spouse.

Develop Empathy for Your Spouse

The single biggest step you can take toward rebuilding relationship trust and a more intimate bond with your mate involves empathy. Empathy, in case you are wondering, is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another sentient being. This is something that most women are naturally good at and most men are naturally not good at. For instance, if your spouse’s best friend has been diagnosed with cancer, your spouse will automatically feel exactly the same emotional anguish as her friend, because that’s how women are wired. Conversely, if your best friend has just been diagnosed with the same disease, you’ll probably react with a desire to fix it, making suggestions on what he might do to get well. In other words, women typically deal with problems by sharing the emotional pain, while men deal with them by looking for a solution.

This does not mean that men do not experience empathy. We do. When we’re playing softball and the pitcher takes a line drive to the groin, what is our first reaction? We automatically wince and say, “Ouch!” We feel this man’s physical pain, even though it didn’t happen to us. That’s empathy. So we’re actually pretty good at empathy when it comes to physical pain. But we tend to fall short when it comes to the emotional stuff. So basically, when your significant other is feeling the emotional anguish caused by your betrayal, instead of empathizing (i.e., stepping into her shoes and feeling her pain), your natural tendency, as a man, is to look for a way to stop her crying. That’s what guys naturally do.

As you read this you might be thinking, I have plenty of empathy, so don’t lump me in with the other insensitive jerks you normally deal with. I’m different. If so, I’ll just say (with the utmost respect and understanding) that if you truly had empathy for your spouse, you wouldn’t have cheated. Instead, you would have thought, Wow, I really want to have sex with this other woman, but I know that my wife would feel betrayed and confused and would find it hard to ever trust me again. And then you would have walked away.

Even though emotional empathy does not come automatically to most men, it can be developed with practice. And the more empathy you feel, the easier it is to understand and show patience with your wounded mate’s sometimes erratic and seemingly inexplicable reactions to your cheating. So instead of blaming her or thinking that there is something wrong with her or feeling incredibly frustrated with her, you can start to understand what she is feeling and why she is dragging you along on her emotional roller-coaster ride.

Deciphering your mate’s thoughts and feelings is not easy, of course, and you won’t learn how overnight. Initially, you’ll need to learn how she thinks and feels through open and honest communication coupled with a bit of trial and error. You will have to consistently put yourself in her shoes and say things like, “I sense that you’re feeling some anxiety right now. Is that correct? If it is, can you explain what you’re anxious about? I really want to understand what you’re feeling.”

In general, however, you can bet that if she’s behaving in a way that doesn’t make any sense to you, she is likely feeling one or more of the following:

• Fear of further loss and abandonment
• Shame (feeling unworthy of love, as if the cheating were somehow her fault and she deserved it and can never expect anything better from you or anyone else)
• Self-doubt (fearing that whatever move she makes will be the wrong one)
• Anxiety (the constant fear that something bad is lurking around the corner)
• Worries about the future (related to finances, separation/divorce, or caring for the kids)
• Intrusive thoughts and mental pictures of your cheating

All these things are very natural reactions to traumatic betrayals by a loved one (i.e., you). Fortunately, as you learn over time to empathize with her fear, shame, self-doubt, anxiety, and whatever else she is feeling—when you are able to feel these things with her—it becomes much easier to understand and accept her ups and downs.

Learn to Disagree in Healthy and Productive Ways

As mentioned repeatedly throughout this book, being in the doghouse is not fun. For starters, your partner gets angry with you for seemingly no reason, and there is little you can do to calm her down. For the most part, you just have to sit there and take it. And usually that is what she wants. Occasionally, however, your mate will want to argue with you. In fact, she might almost insist on it, no matter how hard you try to sit quietly. This is especially likely when you are being rigorously honest.

That seems unfair. You do the right thing, yet she still wants to fight. However, these disagreements are not a bad thing. Believe it or not, arguments can evolve into deeper relationship intimacy. In addition, her desire to argue with you is a strong indication that she still cares about you. Think about it: Do you argue with people you don’t care about, over topics you don’t care about? Probably not. So her wanting to fight with you is a sign that she still cares about you and your relationship. The trick, of course, is learning to resolve these conflicts in ways that strengthen rather than diminish your relationship, which can be very difficult after you’ve cheated on her.

Sometimes when I have clients who seem to disagree and fight a lot without accomplishing much in the process, I present them with the following guidelines for respectful conflict resolution, asking them to read the agreement, sign it, and take a copy home so they can work on resolving conflicts not just in therapy but in the wider world. I suggest that you now read through these guidelines, and if they appeal to you, you can present them to your spouse as a way of turning potentially nasty arguments into meaningful and productive conversations.

Respectful Conflict Agreement

The purpose of this agreement is to create a safe and intimate environment for conversations when we are in conflict—establishing respectful guidelines and boundaries that allow for the healthy expression of emotions, ensuring that both parties feel heard even if full agreement is not reached.

• We agree that we are allies and on the same team.
• We agree to review this agreement weekly and before attempting to resolve any conflict. We agree to do our utmost to uphold this agreement.
• If either of us needs a time-out to cool off, we agree in advance that the first time-out will be for fifteen minutes. The person requiring the time-out agrees to say, “I need a time-out for fifteen minutes. I am not leaving the discussion or the relationship. I just need a short time-out.” That person then leaves the room, going for a short walk or having a brief phone conversation with a supportive friend—always returning on time to finish the discussion.
• We agree to limit discussions of loaded topics to twenty minutes. A timer can be used if either of us wishes it. When the time is up, if the conflict is not resolved, we will agree to either continue the discussion for another twenty minutes or to schedule a later time to complete the conversation.
• We agree to not discuss loaded topics before 9:00 am or after 9:00 pm. (This can be adjusted depending on the couple’s needs and lifestyle.)
• We agree that we will not engage in name-calling, we will not use offensive language, and we will not be emotionally abusive.
• We agree that we will not be physically abusive. This includes but is not limited to shoving, hitting, slamming doors, and breaking or throwing things. We also agree to not engage in threatening behavior that we know our partner fears, such as threats of abandonment or exile. If either of us is in fear of the other, we agree to be honest about our feelings.
• We agree to identify the issue that needs to be discussed and to keep the conversation about that issue only. At the same time, we understand that the problem at hand may trigger, for one or both of us, a core issue from childhood or elsewhere in our past. When this occurs, we agree to differentiate between the present and the past as best we can.
• We agree to not attempt conflict resolution while driving, while in bed, during the workday, at a place of employment, when hostile behavior may escalate (such as after a few drinks), or when one of us is feeling low, vulnerable, tired, hungry, or otherwise not up to the task.
• We agree to not attempt conflict resolution in public or in the presence of family members (especially our kids). If conflict erupts at these times, we agree to acknowledge the upset feelings, and to set a time to discuss the issue.
• We agree to close a conflict resolution conversation with a couple-affirming prayer. (If the couple does not wish to engage in prayer, I generally suggest a couple-centered affirmation, such as, “We love each other, and we know that our differences and disagreements are part of what makes us special.”)
• We agree to ask for help if either of us feels unable to remain respectful in our attempt to resolve a particular disagreement.

  We enter this agreement willingly and lovingly.

Signature of Partner A: _________________________________

Signature of Partner B: _________________________________

The principles in this agreement probably seem relatively logical and straightforward to most readers. However, these common sense guidelines can still be hard to follow. Because of this, I always stress the first item on the list: We agree that we are allies and on the same team. My intent here is to help you and your spouse understand that you should not be fighting each other; you should instead be fighting the problem, whatever that might be. When two people agree that they are on the same team—the team that wants to make things better—strong disagreements tend to dissipate, and it becomes much easier to work together toward a common goal.

I also like to point out the final item on the list, allowing one or both parties to ask for help if and when conflict resolution goes awry. And for some couples, especially those who are battling years of hurt and disagreement, this happens relatively often. No matter how hard they try to be on the same team, sometimes they need the impartial input of a third party (usually a therapist or clergyperson). However, with practice and commitment, even the most troubled partners are able to improve their communication and conflict resolution skills.

Instead of Telling Her You Care, Show Her You Care

When you are making amends and seeking forgiveness, actions speak much louder than words. You can tell her a thousand times that you’re sorry and that you really do love her. But after dealing with all your lies and secrets, she’ll find it hard to believe your words. So your actions need to back you up. The following suggestions can help with this:

• Listen to what your spouse says and try to really hear it. Let it sink in. Try to see things from her perspective and to feel what she is feeling. More important, do this without becoming defensive or reacting with any other form of negativity. This takes a lot of practice, and you will not always do it perfectly (especially at first). However, your spouse will appreciate the effort you are making, and in time you will get much better at it. If you are struggling, it is best to repeat back to her what you think you have heard, allowing her to guide and correct your interpretation to make sure you really do understand.
• Remember the dates and events that are important to her. You may not be focused on the anniversary of your first date, but if she has it on her calendar, you should put it on yours as well. This also goes for her sister’s birthday, your child’s school play, the neighborhood picnic, her night out with the girls, and any other event she values.
• Spend time with her, preferably doing things she enjoys or helping her with tasks she doesn’t enjoy. For instance, get up early and do the laundry while she is still sleeping. (And don’t expect a gold star for doing it.) You can also ask her to join you on activities that you find fun, even though they might not be her favorite. When you do this, it is wise to tell her that you know this activity is not at the top of her enjoyment list, but if she wants to come along anyway, you would happy about that. If she chooses to join you, great. If not, at least you asked. It doesn’t really matter what you do together, as long as she understands that you really do want to spend time with her.

Even if you implement the above suggestions imperfectly, your spouse will notice the effort you are making. Listening to her, making what’s important to her important to you, and wanting to spend time with her all tell her that you really do value her and your relationship. As she sees you consistently doing these things, her anger will slowly ebb. She will still have her moments, but they will gradually become less intense and less frequent.

Keep Relationship Trust in Mind at All Times

As mentioned throughout this book, you will be in the doghouse until you repair relationship trust. To this end, you can implement the following tactics:

• Make rigorous honesty a way of life not just with your significant other but with everyone. When she sees you being honest with every person you encounter, she is more likely to believe that you are also being honest with her.
• Keep your commitments. Suit up and show up when and where you say you will. Keep your promises to her no matter what, even if doing so is wildly inconvenient. If she sees you keeping your daily commitments, she is more likely to trust that you’re also keeping your commitment to fidelity.
• Be patient. You cannot rebuild relationship trust overnight. It’s a process, and it takes both time and a considerable amount of conscious effort. Even worse, it’s usually a two steps forward, one step backward situation. You’ll think you’re doing great and she is finally coming around, but then something will upset her—you probably won’t even know what—and it will suddenly feel as if you are back at ground zero. This is normal. So don’t get angry about it.
• Understand that the new version of relationship trust you are building will not be as unconditionally accepting as the old version. As such, you will need to maintain much tighter boundaries than before: calling if you are running late, admitting when you are wrong, and fessing up if you tell a lie or keep a secret. And you might need to maintain these new boundaries for a very long time.

It is hard to accept your mate’s continuing distrust when you know that you are finally being rigorously honest about all aspects of your life. However, doing so is part of the healing process for you both.

Over time, as you continually work to reearn her trust, she will come around. One day you’ll wake up and realize that she hasn’t questioned you in weeks. And that will feel incredible. Even better, because you had to work so hard to reestablish relationship trust, you’re much less likely to break it again in the future.

Anticipate and Deal with Potential Hazards Before They Happen

The process of healing from infidelity does not always go smoothly. In fact, many former cheaters will relapse at least once or twice. When this occurs, the best they can do is admit what they’ve done and amend their future behavior. With a bit of preparation, however, these setbacks can be avoided altogether, especially if you know the warning signs to keep an eye on.

The most common warning signs of a potential backslide are as follows:

• Overconfidence. “This is going really well. Maybe I have the problem licked and I can let my guard down.”
• Denial. “See, I can stop cheating any time I want. Now that I’ve proved this, I can look at and flirt with other women like a normal guy.”
• Isolation. “I can handle this on my own. I don’t need to go to therapy and I don’t need to be in constant contact with people who support what I’m trying to do.”
• Blame. “If my wife hadn’t gotten that new job that takes up so much of her time and energy, I wouldn’t feel the need to go online to socialize.”
• Excuses. “I know that being alone with my computer is a danger zone, but I need to stay late at the office to finish this important project.”
• Slippery Situations. “The buffet at that Chinese restaurant across the street from where the prostitutes hang out is really good, so I’m going to have lunch there.”
• Minimization. “I’m only looking at a little porn. It’s not like I’ve gone back to having affairs.”
• Devaluating Feedback from Supportive Others. “The people in my therapy group just want to control me. The stuff they want me to do might work for them, but they don’t understand my situation.”
• Feeling Like a Victim. “I don’t understand why I have to deprive myself when everybody else can look at porn and have webcam sex without fear or problems.”
• Rationalizing. “It’s okay for me to sneak around a little when I’m traveling for work. My fidelity plan doesn’t count when I’m in a different state, right?”
• Ignoring Previously Agreed-Upon Guidelines. “I know that I promised my spouse I wouldn’t look at porn or flirt with other women on hookup apps, but what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.”
• Feeling Entitled. “I’ve been putting in double-duty at work, and nobody seems to appreciate the effort I’m making. I deserve a little something just for me.”
• Taking or Returning Calls, Texts, or E-mails from Former Cheating Partners. “I can’t help it if she won’t leave me alone, and it’s mean if I just ignore her. Anyway, what’s the harm in just chatting?”

When you are faced with any of these warning signs, it is best to be honest about that right away with your therapist and/or an accountability partner. Talking about your temptations in this way will greatly reduce their power and the hold they have over you. The good news is that you needn’t share this with your spouse. In fact, she probably doesn’t want to know about the occasional wandering thought. She’s much more focused on the things you actually do.

Don’t Forget About Your Own Self-Care

Sometimes men who’ve cheated on their intimate partners get so focused on repairing the relationship that they forget to take care of themselves. In the first few months of the healing process, this may be a reasonable response. Essentially, you feel so awful about your cheating that think you don’t deserve any sort of external support, enjoyment, or personal fulfillment. Instead, you throw your entire self into repairing your relationship. And while this is an admirable objective, it is difficult to sustain. Over time, the shiny new adventure of rebuilding your relationship turns into a chore from which you never get a break. When that occurs, your motivation inevitably wanes.

If this happens to you, don’t fret. You are not alone. In fact, at least half the men I treat for infidelity-related issues experience this to some degree. They become so focused on rebuilding trust and healing the relationship that they lose track of life. Beyond their job and the work of staying married, they are aimless, and this affects them emotionally and mentally.

When I encounter such men, I try to expand their focus by asking, “What do you want from life beyond your relationship?” Most of the time they are startled to realize that they have no idea. At that point I suggest they think about ways in which they can start to once again enjoy life, typically asking them to create a list of life-goals beyond the development of sexual integrity.

One of my clients, Gavin, created the following list and shared it with me during an individual session:

• I want to be present in my life rather than tuned out and unavailable.
• I want to earn a promotion at work so I can be a better provider for my family.
• I want my spouse and kids to love and to trust me.
• I want to be truthful in all my affairs.
• I want to be a good person: a good neighbor, a good member of my community, and most of all a good family man.

Gavin was pretty pleased when he shared this list with me. Or he was until I said, “Yes, that’s all very nice. But what else do you want?” Unsurprisingly, Gavin was a bit frustrated with my response. So I asked, “Do you want to go on an amazing vacation? Do you want to join a softball team? Do you want to start a new hobby? Do you want to repaint your house? What about Go-Kart racing with your buddies from work?” Gavin admitted that a few of those options interested him. “So why are they not on the list?” I asked. “All I see now is work, work, and more work. What about having some fun?”

My point to Gavin (and to you) is this: If you’re not going to have some fun and enjoy your life while you are in a relationship, then what’s the point of being in a relationship?

This is where the “good stuff ” portion of your personal fidelity plan comes into play. As you may recall, when I described this plan I talked about actions aimed at relationship repair and enjoyable activities—things you can turn to (other than cheating) that make your life fun and interesting. This is because long-term happiness, both individually and within a relationship, requires more than just sexual fidelity.

In the beginning it may be okay for you to fill your suddenly available free time with nothing but therapy and trust-building exercises, but eventually that will get dull and boring. To avoid or escape the downward drift that so many men experience, you need to care for yourself in ways that cultivate not only your honesty and your relationship integrity but also your sense of fun and your enjoyment of life. Recognizing this, you may want to add a few (or all) of the following items to your “good stuff” list (if they are not already on it):

• Build solid male friendships. Men who cheat typically have very little going on in their personal lives beyond work and their relationships with women. Many of these men have, over time, completely moved away from male friendships. However, few realize this until after they have stopped cheating for a few months. As part of the healing process, you may need to create and build friendships with other men. These connections are an opportunity to both give and receive much-needed emotional support. They also give you a chance to enjoy guy stuff.
• Spend time in nature. Many unfaithful men say they feel alone in the healing process. Some say they have felt alone for as long as they can remember. A powerful way to realize that you are not alone, that you are in fact part of a vast interwoven universe, is to spend time in nature. Whether it’s something as simple as a daily walk in the woods or as major as a trip to the Grand Canyon, nature shows you that we’re all in this together: birds need trees for their nests, trees need soil to grow in, soil needs worms to churn it and nourish it, and so on. Nature also provides all sorts of opportunities for enjoyable time with your spouse and kids, such as camping trips, hikes, and whale watching.
• Have fun. Taking time out for hobbies, game playing, exercise, sports, travel, quality time with family, and other enjoyable activities is an essential part of the long-term healing process. If you feel as if you don’t deserve to have fun after all the bad stuff you’ve done, it may help to think about enjoying life as part of the “daily medicine” you must swallow. So regardless of whether fun is deserved, it is necessary, if for no other reason than it recharges your batteries in ways that make it easier for you to do the less enjoyable work of rebuilding trust and healing your relationship.
• Create a “home” at home. When cheating becomes a significant life priority, there is little time to create an environment that is warm and inviting. In other words, cheaters tend to ignore not only their emotional (inner) selves but also their outer selves and their environment. In the process of healing, when you take some time to paint your bedroom, plant a garden, clean the garage, build a deck, or remodel the kitchen, your outer world improves. That helps with your inner world, too, because your home becomes a source of pride as well as an enjoyable hobby.
• Adopt and care for a pet. Numerous studies have shown that people with pets are happier, healthier, and more connected than those without pets. This makes sense. When asked to give an example of unconditional love, many people immediately think of the love they have for their pet and their pet has for them. Moreover, caring for the physical and emotional needs of an animal helps to temporarily take the focus off of you, which is usually a relief. Plus, adopting and caring for a pet is something fun that you and your spouse (and kids) can do together.
• Hang out with your kids. Many cheaters forget how much they love and enjoy their kids. They get so focused on cheating and keeping their infidelity secret that they withdraw from family altogether. That is a terrible shame and a gigantic missed opportunity. If you have kids around, don’t miss out on the emotional miracle that active interactions can bring. Find out what interests them and nurture those interests. Feel free to share your own interests and hobbies with them. The more time you spend with your children, the stronger your bond will become. This is something you can do to rebuild your family even when your significant other is angry with and sick of you.

Of course, every guy is different, so every guy needs to create his own unique methods of self-nurturing. Gavin, for example, eventually created an amended list of goals for an enjoyable life. To the items he initially listed, he added the following:

• Join the gym and get in better physical shape.
• Working with my spouse, redecorate our home.
• Reestablish my spiritual life by going back to church and joining the men’s group there.
• Find a new hobby, preferably one that I can enjoy with family and friends.
• Plan and schedule a dream vacation for next summer, and in the interim have a weekend getaway with the family. Perhaps a trip to Disneyland?
• Go out for coffee or dinner at least once a week with my male friends, letting them know what is going on in my life and working to re-establish ties with them.
• Volunteer at least once a month for causes I believe in. Ask the kids if they want to come along and help out.

As Gavin began to incorporate these goals into his life, his motivation for healing his relationship increased. His amended goals helped him understand that life after cheating can be incredibly enjoyable. He admits that he still misses the dramatic rush provided by cheating, but he has learned to appreciate the healthy pleasures of socializing with friends, providing real support to people he cares about, and developing a hobby. Rather than chasing an erratic life filled with gigantic ups and downs, he is now able to enjoy the relative peace and serenity that his reconstructed relationship provides. And the fact that he is clearly enjoying his own life has made it much easier for his wife to trust that he is now being honest and faithful.

THE DEMANDING SPOUSE

It is possible that your mate will somehow think that your time is now her time. She will say, “You cheated, and now I don’t trust you, so unless you’re at work, you’re not allowed to do anything that doesn’t involve me.” If so, you need to draw a line with her, perhaps with assistance from your couple’s therapist. In other words, you are allowed to go golfing once in a while. No, you don’t get to play 36 holes every day. But if she expects you to completely give up a hobby you enjoy, she’s asking for too much. Nevertheless, you have to continue to prove that you are trustworthy in order to enjoy these pleasures. And that won’t work if your former affair partner happens to also be part of your Sunday golf group.

Express Gratitude to Your Spouse

As you may remember, writing a list of things you are grateful for is a great way to combat the negative emotions that tempt you toward infidelity. What I didn’t tell you earlier is that sharing your gratitude list with another person—your spouse, for instance—is a wonderfully intimate act. This is doubly true if one of the items on your list is something like, “I’m grateful for the chance to rebuild relationship trust with my wife,” or, “I’m grateful that I have a chance to learn and grow and become a better person.” As long as you are sincere and haven’t put a particular item on your gratitude list just to impress your mate, this gesture will be appreciated.

NO MANIPULATING

Betrayed partners can smell an attempt to manipulate their feelings from a mile away, and that’s exactly the sort of thing that can undermine all of the other trust-building work you’ve been doing. That said, if and when your gratitude is sincere, you can let your mate know about it. She may not pat you on the back for it the way you’d like, but she will certainly recognize that you are making an effort, and every little bit helps when you are rebuilding trust and intimacy.

When you express gratitude to your significant other, try to use we and our statements that indicate you’re starting to view your life and relationship holistically, the way your significant other sees it. Your spouse will not be particularly impressed when you say, “I’m grateful that I have a good job and a great house for my spouse and kids to live in,” or, “I’m grateful that my kids are healthy and happy.” She would much rather hear you say, “I’m grateful that we have a nice house to live in,” and, “I’m grateful that our kids are healthy and seem to enjoy life.”

This may seem like a subtle difference, and it is. But when it comes to rebuilding intimacy, little things mean a lot. The shift from I and my to we and our is something that your partner is certain to pick up on both consciously and subconsciously. More important, when you start reframing things in this way, your own thinking will change to reflect it. That is something that bodes well for the long-term health of your relationship.

QUESTIONS FOR

Reflection

• Do you think that you now have empathy for your wife and what you’ve put her through? If not, how can you develop empathy for her?

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• Do you think that you and your mate can implement the respectful conflict agreement suggested in this chapter? If so, do you think it will help your relationship?

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• In what ways can you engage in healthy self-care? Do you think that these areas of your life were neglected when you were cheating?

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