Although this book is not written for you, in many ways it is about you. In fact, my primary goal here is to help your man understand the pain he has caused you, the ways in which he has violated you, and what he must do to regain your trust. Ideally, after reading this volume, he will grow in many important ways, becoming not only a better partner but also a better man.
Nevertheless, I expect plenty of betrayed women to purchase this book for themselves, read it, and then hand it to their cheating partners. If this is the case with you, it is possible that you will not agree with every little thing I say. You might even think, “Ugh, only a man would write that.” In such instances, I ask you to remember that I am ultimately writing for men, and I have chosen to do so using language and ideas that men will understand and relate to. Please trust this process.
The suggestions for relationship improvement provided here are based on twenty-plus years of experience as a therapist specializing in sex and infidelity issues. Over the years, I have worked with hundreds of cheating men and their betrayed partners. Because of this, I have a very good idea of what you are thinking and feeling. I know where your pain is. I also know what your cheating spouse needs to do to make things right. So even if you do not agree with every word contained in these pages, I hope that you will trust the process of healing.
Within this work there is a rhythm, pace, and pathway to his emotional redemption and your relationship healing. So I ask you to put aside your understandable fears and suspicions and your potential desire to control the process, understanding that I will eventually steer your mate toward empathy and long-term behavioral change—as long as he truly wants to make things right with you. Unfortunately, if he is merely going through the motions, no book (or therapist) can really help. Nor can any amount of hand-wringing, demands, or tearful challenges from you. However, if your spouse is ready to move past his cheating and develop a deeper intimate connection with you, this book can and will facilitate that process.
I suggest that you let your man work at his pace and with his own sense of commitment, even if waiting for him is difficult. If he wants to keep your relationship whole and make things right, and if he is ready to value the life he shares with you, the information and suggestions in this book will eventually be as effective as tipping the first domino in a well-lined-up row. All will fall, one right after another. But it takes time and effort (and sometimes outside assistance) to properly line up the dominoes. In fact, you will probably need a couple’s therapist to guide you and your mate through this process. But that is secondary to what your man can learn by reading this book and following its directions.
If you are uncertain about staying in your relationship, that is an understandable place to be. I only ask that you be honest with yourself and your partner about this. Don’t use your questioning of the relationship as a threat; simply let him know that your uncertainty is a reality. Of course, if you are prepared to stay with him and to make your relationship work, please let him know that, too, as it will be helpful to all concerned.
One important final note: There is nothing you have done to make your man cheat, so please do not blame yourself for his infidelity. If he was unhappy or feeling lonely and unfulfilled, he had many options other than what he chose to do. So his choice to cheat is on him, not you. Nothing you have done translates into an automatic free pass on infidelity. Thus, it is important that you give yourself a break, tending to your own needs with compassion and self-care, and understanding that your spouse’s behavior is not your fault and it never was.