Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.
—Maya Angelou
Better Than Before Is Right Around the Corner
You may not believe this, given the current state of your relationship, but in time, if you sincerely follow the steps in this book, your relationship with your spouse can and will be better than ever. No, it will not look or feel the way it did before you cheated or while you were cheating, but that is a good thing, not a bad thing. When you become an open book with your mate, behaving in trustworthy, rigorously honest ways in all facets of your life, you become much more intimate and emotionally connected. That may not seem like your primary goal right now—you probably just want to avoid divorce—but in a year or two you’ll be amazed at how much you value this benefit of sticking with your mate and healing the relationship.
To rocket yourself and your relationship into the stratosphere, two primary tasks remain: developing and strengthening nonsexual intimacy, and slowly reintroducing sex into the relationship. This is the fun part of the healing process. You will enjoy this, and your significant other will, too. This is the payoff for all your hard work.
Developing Nonsexual Intimacy with Your Spouse
It is sad that our sex-obsessed culture has degraded the word intimacy by turning it into a heavily sexualized term. If you don’t believe me, think about this question: Were you intimate with your spouse last night? In all likelihood, your immediate interpretation of that query is that I’m asking if the two of you had sex last night. So let’s do a bit of damage control with the word intimacy by defining it more accurately.
Intimacy is a state of honesty, vulnerability, and trust between two people.
From this definition you can see that intimacy is not all about sex. In fact, it is possible to have a wonderfully intimate relationship with absolutely no sex at all. Plenty of people do. Nevertheless, in most romantic relationships sex is an expression of shared honesty, vulnerability, and trust. This is especially true for your spouse, who will literally and figuratively “open herself” to you.
Can you imagine how difficult that must be for her after you’ve cheated on her, betraying her vulnerability and ruining relationship trust? To be honest, for a good long while after you’ve cheated, your mate is not likely to want sex with you. And if she does offer sex, it is likely out of fear that you might abandon her. Basically, she might think that you will leave her if she does not provide the satisfaction you were getting elsewhere. But believe me, she will not feel good about this sex. So if you take her up on such an offer, realize that you do this selfishly, and that your self-centeredness in the moment could feel like a further betrayal. That said, if your mate offers sex and you say no without explaining why, she could easily lapse into a shame spiral. So you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, right?
Not exactly. The best way to approach this is to explain that you know you’ve ruined relationship trust with her, at least for now, and that you’ve betrayed her vulnerability. Then you can tell her that you do find her attractive and you do want to have sex with her, but you want her to be fully comfortable with that idea before it happens, and you suspect that you’re going to have to do a lot more to rebuild trust before she gets there. Then you can suggest being intimate in a nonsexual way, such as the following:
It actually doesn’t matter much what you do here. The goal is to spend quality time with your spouse without turning the action to sex. Whatever you are doing, you are silently telling her that you love her, care about her, and want to be with her.
Note: Don’t wait until your significant other tries to be sexual before initiating nonsexual intimacy. Be proactive with this as a way to let her know that you value your entire relationship, not just the sex. And make sure you don’t try to use these nonsexual forms of intimacy as foreplay. If you do that, she will feel manipulated. When the time is right for sex, you will both know. But that may be several months down the road.
In general, the more time that partners who are trying to overcome the pain of infidelity spend together, the better. But this time should not be entirely focused on hurt and healing. You need to enjoy the “good stuff” in your personal fidelity plan, and your relationship needs to experience this, too. This means having fun together—building nonsexual intimacy—in addition to the drudgework of recovery.
About Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It doesn’t happen all at once, and it is usually given only when earned, rather than when it’s requested. So if you want forgiveness, you can apologize a million times hoping it will appear, but you won’t get it until you’ve earned it. Much of what you are asked to consider and do in this book can help you earn it. But forgiveness is not something you should ever expect or demand from anyone, let alone your betrayed spouse. Forgiveness will come when she is done hating you and when trust is restored.
For you, forgiveness may mean, “Phew. She loves me again and we are moving on.” To her, though, it means letting you back into her heart in a way that once again puts you in a position to either love or hurt her. That’s a pretty big difference! So please, give her the space she needs and let her forgive you in her own time.
In the interim, you will have to earn her trust and forgiveness by being a good husband. This means, at minimum, that you are no longer cheating, lying, or keeping secrets, and that you are committed to a life of sexual integrity. It also means you are willing to accept her anger without being defensive, even if what she is saying feels inaccurate, undeserved, or unfair.
Forgiveness is most likely to come when you finally understand that your mate’s anger, scrutiny, and distrust stem from the larger issue— your betrayal—rather than anything presenting itself in the moment. As such, your empathy and patience with her hurt and pain, along with your willingness to be honest and to not push for romance and sex before she is ready are the things that will eventually evoke forgiveness. You will have to feel the pain you have caused, experience your consequences without becoming defensive, and become rigorously honest in all aspects of life. If you can do that, she will eventually forgive you. And when she does, you will be ready to take that in and fully accept it.
Slowly Reintegrating Sex
If you’re like most guys, as you work toward rebuilding relationship trust, you might at least occasionally wonder if you’re ever going to have hot sex again. Or any sex at all, for that matter. Well, you will. In fact, if you rebuild trust and create nonsexual intimacy with your spouse, you will eventually be very happy sexually, because intimate sex is, without doubt, the best sex you will ever have.
When you think that it might be time to reintroduce sex into your relationship, you should do so. But do it mutually. Rebuilding sexual trust is a process, just as rebuilding relationship trust is a process. There are several things you can do to get the ball rolling, but you should not try these too early—that is, before your spouse begins to trust you again. If you do, rather than appreciating your gesture, she will wonder if you are trying to manipulate her emotions yet again. And you should never do any of these things if your actions are not sincerely motivated by love, respect, and affection for your mate.
Things you can do that will help you reintegrate sex into your relationship include the following:
The point of all this is that you demonstrate to your spouse that you are paying attention to her—the real her, not the idealized or sexualized version of her—and you care about her happiness and well-being. A small gift or gesture that demonstrates that you “get her” is much more intimate than something extravagant. Extravagant efforts are likely to be appreciated, but she will ultimately be happier with something smaller that is directed at her inner self.
Eventually, of course, the time will come when both you and your spouse are ready for sex. This is a delicate moment, since the emotional wounds you inflicted are probably still raw and easily reopened. Because of this, is it wise to start slowly, perhaps with romantic activities that fall slightly short of actual sex. Here are a few suggestions:
Soon enough, as long as you don’t do anything that causes your spouse to believe she can’t fully trust you, sex will naturally occur.
At this point, you might remember a statement I made in the opening paragraph of this section: Intimate sex is without doubt the best sex you will ever have. Will it be as exciting and intense as some of the sex you had when cheating? Perhaps not, but it will still be better. If I tried to fully explain why, I would have to write another book, so for now I’ll just give you the shortest possible explanation: The trust and nonsexual intimacy you have built with your spouse throughout your process of healing is unbelievably powerful. It will transform sex with your spouse into something you’ve never before experienced. Even if the sex itself is mediocre, the experience of sharing and becoming vulnerable with your spouse will not be. And you will probably find that this connection with your spouse is far more important than any orgasm, no matter how mind blowing.
I am not lying. Sex will become real in a way that seems unreal. Do you want that? If so, consider the following tips toward loving her better:
Making the Past the Past
If you’ve read this entire book, you are probably very serious about rebuilding trust and saving your relationship. If so, my hope is that you will implement the suggestions outlined here, no matter how onerous they might initially sound or feel. If you do so, your history of infidelity can truly become the past, coloring but not leaking into your present and future. Over time, your mate will no longer experience ongoing anxiety because she is wondering when your next betrayal might occur, and you will no longer experience ongoing anxiety because you are wondering if she will ever trust you again. You will be able to relax into your new intimacy, knowing that any reminders of past infidelity can also be markers of your new, much better relationship.
Your relationship and your life will not go back to what you had before, but why would you want that? Your previous version of normal was broken: filled with betrayals, lack of true intimacy, secrets, and unrequited vulnerability. Wouldn’t you prefer a new normal, in which you are fully honest with your spouse about absolutely everything, and you feel closer and more connected to her than ever?
When working with clients, I sometimes use the analogy of a broken teacup. If you drop it and it shatters, you can glue it back together, but the cracks will always show. However, those cracks do not mean that the teacup is not still beautiful and worthwhile. Similarly, a friend of mine has a large painting in the entryway to his house. Once upon a time this artwork adorned the lobby of an upscale Hawaiian hotel—until a tropical storm swept through and damaged it rather badly. The outer edges were torn, and quite a bit of moisture soaked through the canvas, turning the artwork into a crackled mosaic. My astute, art-collecting friend bought the damaged piece, dried it out, trimmed the badly ripped edges, re-stretched the remainder, and placed it back in its original albeit trimmed-down frame. When the hotel manager saw the new version of the painting, he begged to buy it back, because it was more beautiful than ever.
Much like a repaired teacup or a repaired painting, your repaired relationship can be more beautiful, more treasured, more loved, and more real than ever—in part because it was nearly ruined and discarded. That’s quite an awesome paradox.
Of course, the process of healing from infidelity—rebuilding trust and establishing a new intimacy—is not easy. As I’ve written several times, it tends to be two steps forward, one step backward. Because of this, there will be plenty of days when you want to give up and walk away. You might even wonder whether your spouse will ever let you out of the doghouse. In those moments, when you are unable to envision a future without her pain and anger ruling the day, it is easy to lose hope. But trust me when I tell you that if you are sincere and diligent in your efforts, she will eventually come around. And when she does, your relationship, your future—and your sex life—can and almost certainly will be better than ever.
Questions for
Reflection
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