TWO

Well, Okay, I Guess You Could Call It Cheating

There is no point in using the word “impossible” to describe something that has clearly happened.

—Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency

Denial Is a Beautiful Thing, Until It Isn’t

Franklin is a forty-year-old married father of two teenage daughters. Ten years ago he discovered online pornography. His sex life with his wife had diminished significantly after their daughters were born, so porn seemed like a great alternative. When feeling horny, he didn’t have to bug his harried wife for sex anymore. Instead, he could go online for fifteen or twenty minutes, find some hot pics or videos, and take care of things on his own. He also began to enjoy chatting up random women on dating websites, social media, and “adult friend-finder” apps. If these women were open to mutual masturbation via webcam that was even better. But he never met with or had sex with another woman in person. Thus, in his mind, he had never cheated.

A few months ago, Franklin’s wife uncovered his secret world of online activities when she borrowed his phone and found the apps and webcam videos on it. She was incredibly angry and accused Franklin of serial infidelity. He, however, insisted that he had never cheated because all he’d ever done was look at porn and chat online. “It’s no different than my dad looking at Playboy when I was a kid,” he argued. “So why are you giving me such a hard time?”

It’s no surprise that his wife disagreed with that assessment. She said, “You may think that it’s the same as a magazine or video back in the day, but it sure doesn’t feel that way to me. This isn’t something that sits in a drawer next to our bed or in the closet. This is content that our children could find, that I have seen you using. And not just occasionally, either. It would be one thing if we had an amazing and intimate sex life, but we don’t. In fact, you rarely approach or encourage me to have sex. So how I am supposed to feel? I mean, you have no problem having sex with these ‘paper dolls’ or whatever they are to you, but what about me? How is this not like an affair if I feel just as left out and alone? Besides, even if this is just entertainment for you, how come you don’t seem to care how it makes me feel? Since when did my feelings come second to your sex play?”

PAID SEX AND PORN: RARELY FUN FOR ALL

Men who use porn and/or paid webcam shows tend to see idealized women’s body parts and graphic, hyper-intense sexual acts—but not much else. What they tend to not notice is that the women depicted are in fact real people, with real thoughts and feelings. Moreover, many of these women have life histories filled with profound abuse, neglect, poverty, and addiction—which, by the way, is what landed them in the sex industry in the first place.

As such, if you are an avid consumer of porn, strip clubs, webcam sex, escorts, and the like, you need to understand that the women involved are probably not enjoying themselves as much as you might think. In all likelihood, these women are “performing sex” to pay for childcare, make the rent, or feed a drug habit. They might also be reenacting painful early-life trauma and abuse. In short, these are typically women who have very few genuine survival options other than being a sex worker (for far too many reasons to review here). So trust me, this is almost certainly not fun and games for them; it’s difficult, painful work with little long-term reward.

My point is that even though porn and other pay-to-play sex industry activities may look great to you as a consumer, they’re not nearly as much fun for the sex workers. In fact, the sex you see tends to feel more demeaning and abusive to them than pleasurable. But hey, it’s just a job right? Everyone has to have one. Still, it’s worth keeping in mind that while your focus is on a great rack and a slinky pair of legs, beyond those hot body parts there may well be a woman who is struggling to simply keep her head above water.

Often, one of the most difficult aspects of helping a guy who’s in trouble for cheating is getting him to view infidelity for what is. Either he doesn’t acknowledge what he’s done as cheating, or he can’t understand why his significant other won’t just accept what has happened, including “her part” in it, and immediately forgive him, perhaps even understanding why he did it.

So if you’re like most cheating men, you’ll rationalize, minimize, and justify your sex play—blaming everyone and everything but yourself for your actions and the pickle in which you now find yourself. Perhaps you have thought or said things like the following:

• “Every guy wants to have sex with other women. And when the opportunity arises, he acts on it.”
• “If my job wasn’t so stressful, I wouldn’t need the release that porn gives me.”
• “I’m only sexting and flirting. Where’s the harm in that?
• I don’t meet up with any of these women in person. It’s just a game to me.”
• “My dad looked at porn and went to strip clubs, and it wasn’t a big deal. Well, I have webcam chats and interactive sex. What’s the difference?”
• “If my wife hadn’t gained so much weight and stopped enjoying sex, I wouldn’t have even thought about going elsewhere.”
• “If the police had been out chasing real criminals, I wouldn’t have gotten caught in that prostitution sting. Damn cops!”
• “Monogamy means no romantic connections, like no kissing, no cuddling, and no getting attached. Well, a lap dance in a strip club is hardly a romantic connection. It’s just what guys do for fun.”

In the therapy business, we have a name for this type of reasoning. We call it denial. From a psychotherapy perspective, denial is a series of internal lies and deceits that people tell themselves to make their questionable behavior seem okay. Typically, each self-deception is supported by one or more rationalizations, with each rationalization bolstered by still more falsehoods. And so it goes.

When viewed from a distance, denial is about as structurally sound as a house of cards in a stiff breeze, yet most cheaters behave as if they’re living in an impenetrable bomb shelter. Without a doubt, an impartial observer could easily see through the smokescreen, but most unfaithful men either cannot or will not, choosing instead to ignore the seriousness and potential consequences of their actions so they can comfortably carry on with their cheating. And this willful ignorance can go on for years—usually continuing until their infidelity is discovered, and often beyond that.

Standard-Issue Denial

The most common type of denial, used by almost every man who cheats, is built on the following lie: What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her. Frankly, I am amazed by the fact that cheating men are almost always able to convince themselves that this statement is true. It isn’t! In reality, even though your spouse may have had no idea that you were sleeping around, it is almost certain that she felt and experienced some degree of emotional and even physical distancing on your part. Sadly, she may have blamed herself for this, wondering what she had done to create this rift.

YOUR KIDS ARE HURTING, TOO!

Children also notice emotional distancing in their care- givers. They wonder why Daddy seems so uninterested, why he’s not as fun and available as he used to be, and why he and Mommy don’t hug all the time like they used to. And children are even more likely than spouses to internalize the blame for this divide. Despite their young age, kids know that something is wrong, but they mistakenly think it is somehow their fault. To young kids, parents are perfect, so if something goes wrong they assume that it must be their fault. As the days pass, children of all ages start to feel less important, less special, and less wanted, which does a pretty serious number on their self-esteem. Therefore, rationalizing that “even if I was shitty to my wife, at least I never let it affect the kids” is just smoke and mirrors.

I know that you really don’t want to think about this aspect of your situation. But it’s true, and there’s no sense in pretending that it isn’t. When you cheat, you hurt your kids as much as you hurt your spouse, and sometimes more.

In therapy sessions, regardless of the nature of the lies that my unfaithful male clients tell themselves (and me) to justify their sexual infidelity, I generally respond with one very simple question, and I will now pose this question to you: If your behavior wasn’t cheating, then why were you keeping it a secret from your partner?

If you’re like most cheating men, you have an easy answer for this: “I didn’t want to upset her or cause her any pain.” But were you really trying to protect your significant other from pain, or were you more focused on protecting yourself from being found out so you could continue doing whatever you wanted with whomever you wanted?

The correct answer to this question, in case you’re wondering, is that you were almost assuredly trying to protect yourself (and your cheating), not your mate.

Occasionally, when an unfaithful man seems especially self-focused and determined to believe his own lies, no matter how ridiculous they sound to an impartial observer (i.e., me), I suggest that his sexual behavior might be perfectly fine within the boundaries of his relationship if only his partner knew about his actions up front and agreed that they were okay. I then suggest that if he and his mate can mutually agree, without coercion of any sort, that certain extramarital sexual behaviors are acceptable, then so be it. In such cases, he can continue in good conscience with what he’s doing.

Picture the following: On your way out the door you say, “Honey, I’ve been feeling sexually deprived lately. Actually, I’ve been feeling this way ever since the kids came along. So instead of going to that work conference I told you about, I’m going to buy some booze and cocaine, hire a couple of sex workers, and party in a hotel all weekend. You can reach me by cell if you need me.”

Guess what? In my twenty-plus years as a therapist I have never, not even once, had a cheating client take me up on my suggestion to be open and forthright with his partner. Nor have I ever expected that to happen. And why would I? If any of these clients was in a relationship in which he thought his spouse would accept his extracurricular sexual activities, he’d surely have broached the topic with her already. And my guess, based on the fact that you are reading this book, is that you are no different. If you thought that your significant other would be okay with your sextracurricular activity, you’d have told her about it up front, and you wouldn’t be in the doghouse.

The simple truth is that if you want an open relationship, it’s not necessarily an unobtainable goal. But it’s important to approach that with integrity, which means that you have to discuss it with your spouse first. Being in a healthy relationship means that each partner has an equal right to know about anything important. If you shudder at the mere thought of this approach, it’s probably because you’re fairly certain your mate would put the kibosh on this idea. In addition, you’d alert her to your desires, and then she’d be keeping watch, which would make cheating a lot more difficult to get away with. And who needs that hassle? Or maybe you want to sleep around, but you’d prefer your partner stay home, blissful in her ignorance and completely faithful to you.

KINK AND SAME-SEX ACTIVITY

Lots of guys have an interest in kink (bondage and discipline, sadomasochism, feet, leather, and the like) and/or sex with other men or transgender people. And many would prefer that their mate not know about this, thinking that she might reject them because of it. So they secretly act out their desires without their spouse’s knowledge. To make this okay, they tell themselves, Getting a spanking from a dominatrix is not cheating, because she never actually touches me. So what if I masturbate immediately afterward? Or they think, Messing around with another guy in the steam room at the gym is just messing around, not cheating. If I was with a woman, that would be cheating, but guys don’t count.

If you’re denying the fact that you’ve cheated with thoughts like these, I suggest you remember that infidelity is as much about lying and keeping secrets as it is about any actual sex act.

So maybe you should run your clandestine desires and behaviors past your significant other to see what she thinks. If it’s a fetish you’re into, she might surprise you and agree to indulge it. If it’s same-sex behavior, she will probably, at the very least, want to know about this. She might even agree that you can indulge this desire within certain limits, though it’s more likely she will say, “No way, that’s the same as any other cheating.” Either way, you can have an intelligent conversation with your significant other that will almost certainly bring you closer over time instead of pushing you apart (as you might have feared). In all cases, what your partner won’t be willing to support is continued lying and secret keeping.

Beyond Denial: The Real Reasons You Cheat

As discussed above, most men who cheat on their intimate partners justify their behavior with all sorts of ridiculous excuses, few of which hold up in the cold light of day. Sadly, even when these lies are debunked, plenty of men continue cheating. This, of course, raises the following questions: Why did you really start cheating? And why did you continue to do so even in the face of profoundly unwanted potential consequences like divorce, loss of parental contact, loss of social standing, and more?

Generally, when you engage in sexual infidelity, you do so for one or more of the following (relatively unflattering) reasons:

• Insecurity. You feel too old (or too young), not handsome enough, not rich enough, not smart enough, or not powerful enough. As a result, you seek validation from women other than your mate, using their spark of interest to feel wanted, desired, and worthy. You use extramarital sex to bolster your flagging ego and feel better about yourself.
• Unfettered impulse. You never thought much about cheating until buxom Brenda hit on you at the office party, letting you know she was up for “it” whenever and wherever. So without even thinking about what your behavior might do to your primary relationship, you went for it.
• Psychological trauma. You are re-enacting and/or latently responding to unresolved childhood traumas: neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, or sexual abuse. Essentially, your childhood and adolescent wounds have created intimacy issues that leave you unable and/or unwilling to fully commit to one person. You might also be using the excitement and distraction of sexual infidelity as a way to soothe the pain of these old, unhealed wounds.
• Terminal uniqueness. You feel deserving of something special that is just for you: a prostitute, a few hours with pornography, an emotional affair, or a sexual affair. You convince yourself that you are put-upon in some way by the people in your life, and you use this to justify your infidelity.
• Lack of male social support. Over time you have undervalued your need for supportive friendships with other men, expecting your social and emotional needs to be met entirely by your significant other. And when she inevitably fails in that duty, you look elsewhere.
• Biology. You believe it is a man’s evolutionary right or imperative to spread his seed as widely as possible. And maybe it is. However, acting on this belief conflicts with your commitment to monogamy and breaches relationship trust, which is why you’re now in the doghouse.
• Unrealistic expectations. You believe that your partner should meet your every whim and desire, sexual and otherwise, 24/7, regardless of how she is feeling at any particular moment. You fail to understand that she has a life of her own, with thoughts and feelings and needs that don’t always involve you. When your expectations are not met, you seek external fulfillment.
• It’s over, version 1. You want to end your current relationship. However, instead of just telling your significant other that you’re unhappy and want to break things off, you cheat and force her to do the dirty work. This might seem like the easy way out, but it’s not. (If you’re reading this book, this probably does not apply to you.)
• It’s over, version 2. You want to end your current relationship. However, you don’t actually want to leave until you’ve got another one lined up. So you set the stage for your next relationship while you are still in the first one—only you do this without letting your current partner know that she is being used and strung along in this way. (Once again, if you’re reading this book, this probably does not apply to you.)
• Limerence. You don’t understand the difference between romantic intensity and long-term love. You fail to understand that in healthy long-term relationships the rush of early romance (limerence) is replaced over time with less intense but ultimately more meaningful forms of connection.
• Co-occurring issues. Maybe you have an ongoing problem with alcohol and/or drugs that affects your decision making, resulting in regrettable sexual decisions. Or maybe you have a problem like sexual addiction, which means that you compulsively engage in sexual fantasies and activities as a way to numb out and avoid life. (This desire for escape is also why alcoholics drink, drug addicts get high, and compulsive gamblers place bets.)
• Putting yourself first. Your primary consideration is for yourself and yourself alone. You can therefore lie and keep secrets without remorse or regret as long as it gets you what you want. It’s possible that you never intended to be monogamous. Rather than seeing your vow of monogamy as a sacrifice made to and for your relationship, you view it as something to be avoided and worked around.

There is a small amount of scientific evidence suggesting that certain people may be genetically predisposed toward infidelity. That is, a small number of men and women are genetically predisposed to produce and/or process various pleasure-related neurochemicals in slightly atypical ways that make cheating more likely. So now you might be thinking about taking this book over to your mate, waving it in her face, and saying, “See, it’s not my fault. Some guys are genetically predisposed to cheat.”

A strong suggestion here: Do not do that! That is the sort of thing that will alienate your spouse and cause her to become very, very angry.

Anyway, you are probably not genetically predisposed toward infidelity. Most likely, you behaved the way you did for one or more of the reasons listed above. And even if a genetic predisposition did play into your behavior, you don’t get a free pass. After all, a correlation between certain genetic variations and promiscuity does not mean that these variations automatically and inherently lead to sexual infidelity. For an analogy, consider alcohol. Plenty of people are genetically predisposed toward alcoholism, but only a small percentage become alcoholic because many other factors are in play (e.g., environment, willpower, life experience, resiliency to turmoil). The same is true with a genetic predisposition toward promiscuity. Other factors are in play, including your vow and view of monogamy. So regardless of your genetics, you maintain free will when it comes to sexual behavior. You always have a choice.

Note: Your significant other doesn’t really care why you cheated (even if she asks). What she cares about is that you hurt her (and the rest of your family) by doing it. So from her perspective, as well as from the perspective of saving your relationship, whether you are genetically predisposed toward infidelity or just a strongly self- focused person who didn’t care much for monogamy does not matter. What matters is what you are going to do in the future—what kind of husband, lover, friend, spouse, parent, and partner you are going to be moving forward.

For most men there is no single factor that drives the decision to cheat. It is actually possible that the reasons you cheated are not listed above. It is also possible that your reasons for cheating evolved over time, as your life circumstances changed. Regardless of your reasons for cheating, you didn’t have to do it. You had many other options: seeking couple’s therapy, taking up golf, being open and honest with your wife and working to improve the relationship, or even separating and/or getting divorced. There are always choices that don’t involve degrading and potentially ruining your integrity and the life that you and your spouse have created. Nevertheless, knowing why you cheated can be helpful in terms of not repeating this behavior in the future.

SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES

Over the years I have come to realize that there are occasionally legitimate reasons for a man wanting to be sexual outside his primary relationship. I believe that it’s important to recognize the following situations:

• Your partner has profound physical problems that prevent her from having, desiring, and/or enjoying sex.
• Your partner consistently refuses to have sex or is reviled by the experience of sex, and she is not willing to work on the underlying psychological cause(s) of her aversion.
• You and your partner are separated for long periods because of career demands, family needs, or other commitments.

These are legitimate reasons for opening up your relationship in one way or another. However, there is no excuse for doing this in secret. If you truly love your spouse, and she is psychologically capable of having and tolerating an informed conversation on this matter, then that is the way to go. If she is not psychologically capable of such a conversation, you should at least consult with a trusted therapist or spiritual advisor.

Consider Sam and Mary. After Mary was paralyzed from the neck down in a diving accident, she was unable to perform sexually, and she was no longer interested in sex. For Sam, of course, this was a problem. Because they loved each other very much and had no interest in ending their marriage, they were able to agree on certain sexual boundaries. For instance, Sam could watch and masturbate to pornography, and if he truly felt the need for physical contact he could hire an escort. He did not have to tell Mary about his use of porn or escorts, but he did have to be honest afterward if she asked him where he’d been or what he’d been doing. Two decades later, they are still happily married.

Consider also the case of Jack. Jack was married to a woman who became chronically mentally ill to the point where she needed to be institutionalized. He felt unable to divorce her because his insurance paid for her care and treatment. But he also knew that she would never again be well enough for healthy and enjoyable physical intimacy.

He wanted to start dating and being sexual again, but not without his wife’s knowledge. However, her primary therapist believed that the shock of this might cause further deterioration in her condition. After speaking with his own therapist and the pastor at his church, he decided to move forward romantically without telling his wife and without feeling guilty about that. After all, he had done (and continued to do) everything possible to love and care for her, and now it was time to love and care for himself.

Monogamy and fidelity are not absolutes in and of themselves. Life happens, people change, and there are plenty of special circumstances in which it makes sense to consider sex outside a committed primary relationship. However, this can and should be done with integrity and an open heart.

The Man in the Mirror

Maybe you are now ready to accept the reality that you cheated, that your actions caused others (whom you claim to love) actual harm, and that your choice to cheat may not have been one of your best decisions. If so, it is time to take an objective look in the mirror. But be warned: you might not like what you see. Instead of the bright, shiny, smiling, trustworthy, loving man you’re hoping for, you are likely to see the following:

• Secrets and lies. You were not open about your sextracurricular activities. If and when you were caught in a lie or a secret, you attempted to cover it up with still more lies and secrets. And you seemed to not care how much this upset your significant other.
• Manipulation. You tried to hide your behavior by convincing your spouse to believe all sorts of lame and unlikely excuses. You were incredibly persistent with this. You kept at it until she wore down and gave in. You tried to make her believe that she was the one with a problem (e.g., lack of trust, imagining things).
• Broken promises. You promised your wife that you would be more present in your relationship. And you even followed through for a few days or weeks. But eventually you pulled away again, giving in to the allure of illicit sexual behavior.
• Mood swings. Sometimes you were extremely loving and happy in your primary relationship. Unfortunately, these interludes were followed by periods of irritability and disconnection. If questioned, you blamed your mood swings on the actions of others or events beyond your control.
• Emotional detachment. You were more involved with affairs, prostitutes, pornography, sexting, chat rooms, hookup apps, and similar sextracurricular activities than with your spouse.
• Financial issues. Extramarital sex costs money. Even if you have a job that pays well, you may have found yourself living on the edge financially. Perhaps you were late paying bills, or you ignored your financial obligations altogether. Meanwhile, you told your partner blatant lies about your expenditures to conceal your infidelity.
• Damaged reputation. Because your sexual activities were not as secret as you would have liked or thought, you lost standing with neighbors, coworkers, bosses, subordinates, and even friends.
• Emotional withdrawal. You avoided talking about problems in your relationship because you didn’t want to even consider changing your behavior. Your consistent reaction to any concern expressed by your significant other was anger, denial, defensiveness, and/or blaming. You seemed not to care how much this upset her.
• Damaged health and self-esteem. You may have contracted a sexually transmitted disease or some other communicable infection. You may also have been arrested, fired, or otherwise disciplined. If so, your health and self-image have suffered.

It’s not a pretty picture, is it? But that’s what you’ll see when you look honestly at your behavior. No, of course you never intended to do things like the following:

• Harm your primary relationship
• Alienate your family
• Ignore your kids
• Potentially expose your children to sexual images and information
• Risk your career and social standing
• Blame your bad behavior on people you love
• Mangle your finances
• Fight constantly with your significant other
• Fill yourself with shame, self-hatred, and remorse
• Push the self-destruct button on everything that matters most to you

Nevertheless, you now find yourself dealing with these or similar circumstances, arriving there incrementally (or maybe very quickly), as what initially seemed like a manageable situation slipped through your fingers.

As your attempts at self-protection increased, you became less and less able (and less willing) to see the connection between your increasing personal problems and your sexual behavior. You grew increasingly deaf to the complaints, concerns, and criticisms of those around you—even those you professed to love—and you correspondingly devalued and dismissed (and/or blamed) those who tried to point out the problem. You wanted to have your cake and eat it, too, so you opted for offense as your best defense, accusing (in your head or aloud) your betrayed partner of nagging, lacking trust, being prudish and restrictive, failing to understand you, and just plain asking for too much. And you did this not because you truly don’t care, but to justify and protect your infidelity. What you forgot, however, was the importance of safeguarding hearth and home and your past promise of fidelity, because, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, those things, much more than your extracurricular sexual exploits, are the most important facets of your life.

QUESTIONS FOR

Reflection

• How often did your cheating occur, and why? Do you know what might have triggered it?

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• How did you justify your behavior to yourself? How did you justify your behavior to others who knew about or suspected it?

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• Do you think your spouse had a sense that something was amiss even before she learned about your cheating? If so, for how long? And what lies did you tell her to throw her off the track?

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