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I went back to the kitchen to get my own food.
While crunching my way through more bacon and toast than you'd expect for a slender guy such as myself, I got to thinking. There was one person who would know immediately that we'd slept together. Namely, the other shifter who worked at the precinct: Riley.
Riley was a big, shy wolf shifter. I'd been hired because he was too sensitive for homicide work. Apparently, I was getting to be too sensitive for it myself, so I could hardly judge him for that. In fact, I didn't judge him at all, but I did stay away from him.
Riley had a way of looking at you like he thought you were going to take a baseball bat and start beating him if he looked at you wrong. And he was a big, tough guy. He just wasn't very tough on the inside. He'd been smacked around by life, and I knew more than I wanted to know about it, just from a few things Tomas, his work partner, had dropped.
Tomas was protective of Riley, and heaven knows he needed it. So was Justin Barnes, who was married to Riley. I just didn't like having anyone look at me like I was that terrifying, shifter or not, so I avoided Riley almost completely. He certainly avoided me.
But he would know that Robert and I had slept together, when we showed up at work, whether we came in separately or not, whether we pretended never to have met before or not. He wouldn't confront me about it; he'd be too nervous. He wouldn't cause me trouble on purpose, I was sure of that, but he might end up telling Tomas or Justin, and that could cause trouble.
I didn't put it past Justin to make trouble for my love life just to be a prickly stickler for the rules, but Tomas was my friend. He'd only be concerned about me—but he would be concerned. He was always thinking about the ethics of situations and how to protect his partner. And, well, he'd had to help me out a couple of times on the job, when I couldn't deal with something on my own. He and his boyfriend had spent the evening with me, and even the night, one time when I had a really, really bad day and had to walk off the job. I wasn't proud of that, but I was grateful. He'd do right by me, as long as he had a heads-up.
I got out my phone and pulled up Tomas's number while I ate. I hesitated for only a moment. I could call Riley instead and tell him personally, but I thought it would go over better to tell Tomas, as a go-between. Riley and I weren't close, and I think sometimes he had to psych himself up to talk to me. He was a sweet guy, but had a nervous, sensitive personality, and he'd been afraid of me when I first started working at the precinct. Me! I'm not exactly scary. But once I knew him better, I wasn't offended by that. He was just a nervous, easily-startled guy. Tomas was a good partner for him, because he was so calm and even-tempered.
Tomas was one of the cleverest and nicest people I'd ever met, and yes, also one of the hottest. He was ace, and he had a boyfriend, and he had never been even slightly interested in me that way, but I couldn't be around Tomas without remembering that he was one of the hottest people in the world. You couldn't help noticing every single time you looked at him. It was like staring into the sun, or seeing a movie star in person.
Anyway, I thought Tomas would prefer it if I called him and he could tell Riley, and they wouldn't worry about it or me. He didn't have to know specifics, just that yes, I'd hooked up with someone who would be at the precinct today, and he shouldn't worry, because it was all happy, safe, and consensual—and our private business.
I gave Tomas a text first, in case he was still asleep, or sharing a moment with his boyfriend, Auden.
I thought about Robert again and smiled. Here I was planning damage control for his career. He'd been so good to me, I didn't want to fuck up his life in any way whatsoever.
I texted Tomas to call me before he left for work, and he did, a few moments later. Good. Robert had come out of the bathroom and started eating by then. I kept my voice down so I wouldn't disturb him.
"Tomas? Hi. I'm glad I caught you."
"Sure. What's up?" He stifled a yawn.
"I had the best night with someone, and let's just say that Riley will know about it today. I'd prefer if he kept it to himself. Everything consensual, so he really doesn't need to go blaring it around the precinct."
"Of course," said Tomas, after a pause. He sounded more awake already. "Can I ask who?"
"Nobody you know. He's an investigator or something. It doesn't matter. I just don't think either of us should get in trouble for it. We had fun, and it was lovely."
"Do you think you'll be seeing him again?" asked Tomas.
"We haven't had that conversation yet. But I hope so. He's really nice." I couldn't say everything he was over the phone, much less to Tomas. So 'nice' would have to do for now. But I was blushing a little, telling Tomas, and I felt about two seconds away from gushing about Robert. "Well, I'll let you go. Just remember to tell Riley. Okay, bye!"
"Okay," said Tomas cautiously. "But, Cody, he isn't the investigator from the Shifters and Partners organization, is he? The one who's scheduled to visit this week and check up on yours and Riley's working conditions?"
It was my turn to pause. "I didn't really ask. I wasn't that interested."
"Hm. Well, it sounds like a conflict of interest, but I guess it isn't. Even if that's who he is, it wouldn't stop him from investigating your working conditions. Might make him even more motivated if he really likes you. To make sure you're safe."
I thought guiltily about how I'd basically said I hated my job and was thinking of quitting. I tried to think of the exact words I'd used. What had they been? Come to think of it, he'd seemed interested in that, before we got more personal about things and work mattered less and less.
"I suppose I should ask him," I said, not sounding very thrilled with the idea. A serious talk, when I just wanted to enjoy what we'd had last night, and end on a good note so he'd consider the possibility of seeing me again?
"It doesn't matter to me," said Tomas. "I'll stay out of it. I know you can remain professional, and that's all that matters. Thank you for letting me know so I can warn Riley."
"Yeah, he's the sort to worry. He'd probably get it into his head that I was coerced or something." I may have snorted.
"Riles knows you're no pushover, but he's been hurt enough himself that probably would be the first place his mind would go."
That sobered me up. "Poor guy."
Tomas cleared his throat. "He wouldn't have wanted me to say that. I'm sorry. I'm not quite awake yet, or I'd be more careful about what I said. I'd better go."
"Okay. I won't spread it around. I'll see you later." We hung up.
I stood in the kitchen thinking about Riley. Every time I really started to dislike him, I found another reason that I couldn't. It would be nice if he felt the same way about me. Oh, well.
I thought about what Tomas had said. Could Robert be here to investigate for the Shifters and Partners association? It will be an interesting situation for sure, if that was the case. Kind of funny, too.
Well, even if he was, I didn't think he would find anything wrong at the precinct. They did their due diligence. Riley and I were not abused or taken advantage of. Just because I had a problem with my job, well, it was my problem.
Apparently, I was leaning towards quitting. Did I really want to quit? No. But I didn't like my other options much, either.
I just hoped that Robert wouldn't try to push a partner on me. It wouldn't be the right fit for me, and it would make me not like him quite as much if he turned out to be pushy like that, trying to tell me that I needed something I really didn't want in my life.
It would be different if I could have a partner like Tomas. But there was only one Tomas, and he wasn't mine.
That sounds way more dog-in-the-manger than I mean it to sound, because he's my friend, and I know he'd help me if he ever needed it. In fact, he has. He's helped me a lot, and I'm grateful. But I would feel so stupid if I had to depend on someone every single day just to do my job the way that poor Riley does.
It was a mixed-up way to feel. I knew I should probably talk to someone about why that felt so important to me, but I really hadn't figured out who to talk to yet or taken any steps at all. Typical of me, I suppose. To have all these thoughts and feelings. To want to change things but not know which way to go, and so ending up just standing still.
Though Robert had his own issues, I could tell. He's been pretty discouraged with his job, too. And he was a complicated guy, I could tell. He held himself so carefully, like he was using every ounce of his might to be sure he never heard a soul. And he seemed to have a lot of might, and a lot to give.
I couldn't imagine what could have taken such a toll on him that would make him feel like he might be running out of pieces of himself to give. But was giving it anyway, just going on and plowing through and doing his work no matter what.
Sounded kind of sad when I thought like that. Did I do that? I didn't think so. My reasons for not making changes to my professional life, and sometimes to my personal life, we're more about indecision than feeling like I had to keep the status quo or prove something. Though I did sometimes feel like I had to prove my worth to the precinct that had hired me for a special job. Working with murder homicide and other violent crimes was not easy. But it was my job. It was my reason and purpose for being there. To crap out now would feel like a betrayal.
It would also mean that I was frankly as weak as Riley. And I didn't have Riley's excuses or challenges in my own life. I was a regular guy, fairly strong, pretty much okay. So I should be able to do the work that I was hired to do. If I couldn't do it anymore, what good was I?
I would have to start all over again, somewhere else, doing something else, feeling as if I had let down a whole precinct—Riley, Tomas, and the rest. And myself.
I would wonder if I should have joined the Shifters and Partners organization in the first place. In fact, sometimes I wondered about that already, but at least I'd been able to do the work so far. I had proved myself. It was just that proving myself couldn't be my only reason for doing this forever, not if it was this hard, not if it took such a toll on me.
I still had to figure out what I was going to do, how I was going to proceed, what I should change about my life to make it more sustainable. To make it something I could live with, and not just endure.
The fact that Robert might be here to investigate the precinct didn't actually change anything that was going on here, the fact that it was aboveboard, the fact that Riley had appropriate help and consideration. The fact that I was doing my job, but it was getting harder. And the fact that I was thinking of quitting.
This wasn't important right now. I needed to get ready for the day. I needed to see that Robert was okay and make sure I didn't fuck it up before he left. We'd had a good thing here, yesterday and last night. It had felt special, important. I'd sure like to see more of him in the future.