7 GA

Dear Diary,

Things haven’t been great between Lester and me lately. We’re constantly arguing about how he needs to do something with his life, but there’s not an ounce of ambition in his hollow bones. All he does is sit at home and eat junk food all day while I’m at work. He’s gotten so fat he’s practically the size of a horse. So, I decided to use him like a horse!

For years, my main method of transportation has been magical teleportation, and I’ve never been good at it. I always end up inside a wall or a cabinet—especially when I have a hangover. So, one afternoon I brought home reins and a saddle and strapped up m’gander! I was going to make use of him if it killed me.

Lester wasn’t thrilled by the idea. He had one look at himself in the mirror and shook his head. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he squawked.

“Come on, let’s do a test flight before the winds change!”

Our first takeoff was pretty easy. Lester insisted he needed a running start with my added weight, but I think he was being difficult on purpose. Turns out Lester is a decent flyer, although I would never tell him that because it would go straight to his head. He didn’t take directions well, so I just jerked on the reins until he listened. I’m surprised they didn’t break off.

Believe it or not, Lester’s not the first winged creature I’ve piloted. During the Dragon Age, I used to fly a dragon named Schnapps. Boy was he ugly! He had the face of a boar, wings like a bat, the body of a salamander, and the temper of a wet cat. I had to give him up after he ate one of my coworkers—you know, workplace politics.

I had forgotten how wonderful it felt to fly. The best part of riding Lester was that everyone looking up from below just thought he was a regular bird in the sky. They had no idea this wacky old lady was riding on his back. This will be useful the next time a bounty hunter is tailing me.

Landing was not Lester’s strong suit. After our first flight, he hit the ground so hard I was thrown off his back and somersaulted through a muddy strip of land. I think it was calculated on his part. I’ve never heard a goose laugh so hard.

Our second landing was even worse! We crashed into the roof of a schoolhouse, terrifying and emotionally scarring two dozen schoolchildren. It was a mess! There were feathers and pencils everywhere. I’ve been getting nasty letters from their parents all week. I’m sure we’ll get blamed for every issue their children have in the future.

We’ve had a rocky start, but we’ll get the hang of it!