Forewarning Foreword

Well, the time has come. The confidentiality agreements have expired, the cease-and-desist letters have stopped coming in, the dynasties I’ve been avoiding are dying out, and all the old mob bosses I owe money to are behind bars. Look out, world; Mother Goose is finally publishing a memoir!

I’ve never been a big fan of autobiographies. If I wanted to hear a bunch of whiny stories from insignificant, attention-seeking know-it-alls, I’d just have lunch with Little Miss Muffet. It takes something special to capture my attention. I’m talking unbelievable adventures with remarkable people, fascinating places in chaotic times, unusual predicaments and sequences of events, and highly questionable evidence to back up the author’s accountability. I guess that’s why I decided to reread my own diary!

Boy, am I glad I kept one! I had forgotten most of the crazy shenanigans I got into over the years. That’s what one too many pub brawls with talking animals and late-night ragers with enchanted silverware will do to your memory.

It’s been a hoot reliving some of my best and worst moments. So entertaining, in fact, I felt guilty not sharing it with the rest of the world. It won’t do anyone any good if I keep them to myself, and Lester is tired of hearing them over and over again. By popular demand, here is a selection of my favorite memories plucked straight from the fading parchment of my crumbling diary. (You know you’re old when you’ve outlived leather.)

Now, just like everything I’m involved with, this diary should come with a warning. People tend to be picky when it comes to “history,” so if you’re going to be a snob about “accuracy,” find something else to read. And if there are any so-called “scholars” out there who doubt me, let me be very clear: I was there, I know what I saw, and I know what I lived through. If my memories contradict the history you’ve been taught or the history you teach, that’s not my problem.

Just like they say, “History is invented by those who outdrank the other witnesses.” Or maybe I’m the one who said that? Anyhoo, I’m sure all your questions will be answered in the pages ahead. Enjoy!